When a friend asks for something of yours

[Anonymous]

Op, take a picture of the poster and enlarge it then frame it as a joke ...I think your friend will get it and the joke is on her, 😂😆

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No offense OP but this post is SO crazy that it cannot be true!!?? 😶‍🌫️

Okay but I WILL bite.
If this is actually a legitimate issue then you need to steer clear of this so-called “friend.”

Because friends do not ask for other friend’s personal possessions.
At all.

And they most definitely do not mention what they want you to leave them in your will!!

I could just be making a bigger deal of it than it is. To be fair, it's not like she's begging me for the picture every time she sees me. And she has only come over to my house and seen the picture maybe 3 times, and she just comments on it when she sees it. So maybe she means it as a joke or whatever when she says she deserves this poster more than I do because she is a "true" fan and that she calls dibs on it when I die and that I should put it in my will for her. She says crazy stuff like this all the time, and she is kind of half joking half serious. And maybe it is just my own issue, that it makes me feel uncomfortable when she brings it up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You know, after typing all that out, I think the real problem is that I’m letting my friend control how I feel about this poster. I have a problem with the idea she has a negative image of me and it’s hard for me to sit with that uncomfortable feeling. So to make that feeling go away, I’m thinking I might fix it by just giving it to her. But then I’d have to sit with the feeling that my husband would be really hurt that gave it away. All of this is focused on people pleasing in some way. Which maybe is selfish on my part. And people pleasing is not a good trait.

I feel like I need to get a place to be able to say no without feeling guilty or bad about myself. And without also being angry at my friend for making me feel that way either. You know, like radical acceptance of her and her quirks and also not just acknowledging that I have my own desires but honoring them as well- without the guilt! It is so hard though not to feel the guilt.

Ding ding ding, OP. Exactly what a therapist would tell you.

[Anonymous]

Your friend is CRAZY. The poster is yours. I would drop this friend today.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd get rid of the friend. Unbelievably entitled

For more context, she is the friend in our group that is always doing things for others. She is a type a organizer. She hosts gatherings. She organized my baby shower. And she has given me tons of baby hand me downs.

So what? I'm a Type A organizer, we host most of the parties in our friend group, I've thrown countless showers and birthday dinners, and I give away my kids' clothes to friends but that doesn't entitle me to a damn thing.

[Anonymous]

Again, extremely depressing that I have not made a single friend in three years despite hosting, doing favors and constantly putting myself out there and complete wackos like this have friend groups who are loath to disappoint them. The last one was the lady who was asking her friend group for "donations" of concert tickets and manicures to cheer her up after a divorce or something. WTF??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You know, after typing all that out, I think the real problem is that I’m letting my friend control how I feel about this poster. I have a problem with the idea she has a negative image of me and it’s hard for me to sit with that uncomfortable feeling. So to make that feeling go away, I’m thinking I might fix it by just giving it to her. But then I’d have to sit with the feeling that my husband would be really hurt that gave it away. All of this is focused on people pleasing in some way. Which maybe is selfish on my part. And people pleasing is not a good trait.

I feel like I need to get a place to be able to say no without feeling guilty or bad about myself. And without also being angry at my friend for making me feel that way either. You know, like radical acceptance of her and her quirks and also not just acknowledging that I have my own desires but honoring them as well- without the guilt! It is so hard though not to feel the guilt.

I think you may want to explore some therapy to figure out why you think you should have to give this to her? I wouldn't even entertain a request like this and I certainly wouldn't ruminate over it like you have. Did you grow up with an emotionally abusive parent? Were the peacekeeper in your family between a sibling and your parents who fought a lot? Is your husband controlling? There is something going on with you because while your friend is ridiculous and completely inappropriate, your reaction is also not normal and it may benefit you to get to the root of this issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hope you can turn the poster into a symbol of boundaries and self respect by not giving it to her

YES. I need to redefine what this poster means to me. Not a failure as a friend. But me honoring my own boundaries and desires.

You need to go back to therapy

[Anonymous]

I honestly wonder if she does controlling stuff like this to other people in the group. It sounds sort of mean girls. Is that something the lead girl does in the movie? Make the other girls give her stuff she likes? Don’t make her feel bad about you. This is a her problem. In lacking boundaries and maybe being an abuser of power.

[Anonymous]

No, I don’t give “friends” things off my wall or clothes off my back when they demand them. Or even artwork I have that is NOT on my wall. She sounds certifiable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You do not owe her anything. I don’t think she’s your friend. Giving you hand me downs doesn’t mean she’s a selfless person.

You need to stop talking about the poster—shut her down. She brings it up and you say “you have asked and I have answered. This is my poster and you need to stop asking me for it. Im done, don’t ask me again.”

And don’t talk about putting it in your will for goodness sake. She’s weird.

I do have to keep reminding myself that she’s one of my “arm’s length” friends. Good boundaries keep it better for both of us. But I do think the problem lies with me in that I’m letting it bother me so much. I’m sure others would just dismiss it like the crazy request that it is, but for me, yes I do take the request seriously and I’ve been experiencing angst over it and over not giving something to a friend that she obviously really wanted.

Do you suffer from low self esteem? The problem (at least the initial problem) is your "friend." Her behavior is unacceptable. The fact that you're turning this into a problem with you is wild.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You know, after typing all that out, I think the real problem is that I’m letting my friend control how I feel about this poster. I have a problem with the idea she has a negative image of me and it’s hard for me to sit with that uncomfortable feeling. So to make that feeling go away, I’m thinking I might fix it by just giving it to her. But then I’d have to sit with the feeling that my husband would be really hurt that gave it away. All of this is focused on people pleasing in some way. Which maybe is selfish on my part. And people pleasing is not a good trait.

I feel like I need to get a place to be able to say no without feeling guilty or bad about myself. And without also being angry at my friend for making me feel that way either. You know, like radical acceptance of her and her quirks and also not just acknowledging that I have my own desires but honoring them as well- without the guilt! It is so hard though not to feel the guilt.

No. No no no. You don’t have to accept this “friend.” The reason why people are calling the friend crazy and your guilty reaction odd is that NONE of us has a friend who has begged to be given a possession of ours. This has not happened to anyone who has responded, I guarantee it. In your position, we would feel incredulous at the ask, not guilty bc we didn’t give into it. This is not a healthy relationship. Don’t accept it.

Hmmm. I think I really needed to hear this! Thank you. That was my initial reaction too, but then the more she kept asking me, I felt more and more like I was being the odd, selfish one.

You need to develop a strong sense of self. One that tells you that when someone acts like this that they are wrong and you do not have to accept it. I wonder who else in your life takes advantage of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I honestly wonder if she does controlling stuff like this to other people in the group. It sounds sort of mean girls. Is that something the lead girl does in the movie? Make the other girls give her stuff she likes? Don’t make her feel bad about you. This is a her problem. In lacking boundaries and maybe being an abuser of power.

Yeah it sounds like a bet between 2 mean girls. “She’s such a loser. I bet I can make her give me that treasured poster off her wall.” “What? You’re crazy.” “No really, watch me. She’ll do it.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Again, extremely depressing that I have not made a single friend in three years despite hosting, doing favors and constantly putting myself out there and complete wackos like this have friend groups who are loath to disappoint them. The last one was the lady who was asking her friend group for "donations" of concert tickets and manicures to cheer her up after a divorce or something. WTF??

Are you OP?

[Anonymous]

A bit more therapy to explore why you feel remotely guilty for wishing to keep something that belongs to you. It was rudely asked for and the no not well accepted. You should not be the one feeling bad here. Don't move it. Don't let her damage the love that was behind the gift. Don't believe she is more worthy of it. It is yours. Given to you by someone you love who loves you. You are worthy of keeping it - without guilt.