When a friend asks for something of yours

[Anonymous]

Do you just give it to them if they are your friend?

I think I may be on the selfish side because I don’t like giving my cherished possessions away. I’ve also heard that it’s bad luck to keep the things that others covet. I buy very little and usually the things I have, I hold onto forever.

Basically, my friend has been pressuring me to give her this one of a kind vintage movie poster that my husband had professionally framed in a cherry wood frame in our earlier years of dating, and gifted to me as a birthday gift. He was pretty poor then so it was a very significant gift because I’d guess the framing must have cost a lot and he knew I liked the movie.

My friend is also a big fan of this movie, probably more so than I am, and so she feels she is more deserving of this poster because I don’t love the movie as much as she does. The first time she asked at our housewarming party, when it was up on our wall, I was pretty incredulous that she had the gall to even ask because that’s something I’d never do. I flatly said no.

But she has been asking me for this poster for years, every time she sees it. And I get the feeling SHE is incredulous that I keep refusing to give it to her, and she’s always made snide comments here and there, more about other people she thinks are selfish and self centered. And she’s made a few comments about me as well- more along the lines that I’m not a good friend. Things like not picking up the phone reliably when she calls, or not being thoughtful like she is. She also claims I’m autistic, which I’m not.

Anyway I’ve told her repeatedly that it has special meaning to me and I do actually love the movie. And so now she has made me promise that I put it in my will to give to her. Now whenever I look at this poster I have negative feelings of guilt and I go back and forth on whether I should just suck it up and give it to her. Otherwise the only way she’ll get to enjoy it is if I die an early death. Every time I look at it I feel bad about myself that I may be a selfish and sucky friend. I told my husband about it and he basically said he’d be mad if I gave it away because it was a special gift from him. So it’s really a no-win situation.

So my question is WWYD in the same situation?

[Anonymous]

I'd get rid of the friend. Unbelievably entitled

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd get rid of the friend. Unbelievably entitled

For more context, she is the friend in our group that is always doing things for others. She is a type a organizer. She hosts gatherings. She organized my baby shower. And she has given me tons of baby hand me downs.

[Anonymous]

That doesn't matter. She is not entitled to any of your belongings, especially a sentimental gift from your spouse, just because she wants it. That's crazy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd get rid of the friend. Unbelievably entitled

For more context, she is the friend in our group that is always doing things for others. She is a type an organizer. She hosts gatherings. She organized my baby shower. And she has given me tons of baby hand me downs.

NP. That’s irrelevant. Her requests are nuts.

[Anonymous]

You know, after typing all that out, I think the real problem is that I’m letting my friend control how I feel about this poster. I have a problem with the idea she has a negative image of me and it’s hard for me to sit with that uncomfortable feeling. So to make that feeling go away, I’m thinking I might fix it by just giving it to her. But then I’d have to sit with the feeling that my husband would be really hurt that gave it away. All of this is focused on people pleasing in some way. Which maybe is selfish on my part. And people pleasing is not a good trait.

I feel like I need to get a place to be able to say no without feeling guilty or bad about myself. And without also being angry at my friend for making me feel that way either. You know, like radical acceptance of her and her quirks and also not just acknowledging that I have my own desires but honoring them as well- without the guilt! It is so hard though not to feel the guilt.

[Anonymous]

I mean, that’s bats**t to harass you like that. But the fact that you actually feel guilty about it is very concerning. Drop the friend and maybe try some therapy to understand why you would question yourself instead of her.

[Anonymous]

I hope you can turn the poster into a symbol of boundaries and self respect by not giving it to her

[Anonymous]

Radical acceptance of someone who harasses you, makes you feel terrible about yourself and calls you autistic?

Is it possible she’s joking and you are taking it literally? Like the comment about the will - it’s hard to imagine she’s serious, because it’s just so ludicrous. Maybe she’s just teasing you at this point? But even that would be cruel, knowing that you are taking it seriously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mean, that’s bats**t to harass you like that. But the fact that you actually feel guilty about it is very concerning. Drop the friend and maybe try some therapy to understand why you would question yourself instead of her.

I did 2 yrs of therapy! And I’m much more self aware. I have always struggled with any sense of self. Having my own identity, wants, desires. Always catering to others feelings and their desires. Somewhat stems from an abusive childhood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Radical acceptance of someone who harasses you, makes you feel terrible about yourself and calls you autistic?

Is it possible she’s joking and you are taking it literally? Like the comment about the will - it’s hard to imagine she’s serious, because it’s just so ludicrous. Maybe she’s just teasing you at this point? But even that would be cruel, knowing that you are taking it seriously.

I mean, she says a lot of crazy stuff. Sometimes she’s half joking but she’s also serious that she wants this poster badly. She even told me she’s been searching online all over looking for something similar but hasn’t found one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hope you can turn the poster into a symbol of boundaries and self respect by not giving it to her

YES. I need to redefine what this poster means to me. Not a failure as a friend. But me honoring my own boundaries and desires.

[Anonymous]

You do not owe her anything. I don’t think she’s your friend. Giving you hand me downs doesn’t mean she’s a selfless person.

You need to stop talking about the poster—shut her down. She brings it up and you say “you have asked and I have answered. This is my poster and you need to stop asking me for it. Im done, don’t ask me again.”

And don’t talk about putting it in your will for goodness sake. She’s weird.

[Anonymous]

I hope this is a troll bc your friend sounds insane.

If she’s part of a friend group I could understand how it could be difficult to fully drop her, but I would not invite her to your house ever again and no more 1-on-1 contact.

She approaches you in a group setting - “oh excuse me, I wanted to go catch up with [other friend]” and move away from her to another conversation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You know, after typing all that out, I think the real problem is that I’m letting my friend control how I feel about this poster. I have a problem with the idea she has a negative image of me and it’s hard for me to sit with that uncomfortable feeling. So to make that feeling go away, I’m thinking I might fix it by just giving it to her. But then I’d have to sit with the feeling that my husband would be really hurt that gave it away. All of this is focused on people pleasing in some way. Which maybe is selfish on my part. And people pleasing is not a good trait.

I feel like I need to get a place to be able to say no without feeling guilty or bad about myself. And without also being angry at my friend for making me feel that way either. You know, like radical acceptance of her and her quirks and also not just acknowledging that I have my own desires but honoring them as well- without the guilt! It is so hard though not to feel the guilt.

No. No no no. You don’t have to accept this “friend.” The reason why people are calling the friend crazy and your guilty reaction odd is that NONE of us has a friend who has begged to be given a possession of ours. This has not happened to anyone who has responded, I guarantee it. In your position, we would feel incredulous at the ask, not guilty bc we didn’t give into it. This is not a healthy relationship. Don’t accept it.