When a friend asks for something of yours

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You do not owe her anything. I don’t think she’s your friend. Giving you hand me downs doesn’t mean she’s a selfless person.

You need to stop talking about the poster—shut her down. She brings it up and you say “you have asked and I have answered. This is my poster and you need to stop asking me for it. Im done, don’t ask me again.”

And don’t talk about putting it in your will for goodness sake. She’s weird.

I do have to keep reminding myself that she’s one of my “arm’s length” friends. Good boundaries keep it better for both of us. But I do think the problem lies with me in that I’m letting it bother me so much. I’m sure others would just dismiss it like the crazy request that it is, but for me, yes I do take the request seriously and I’ve been experiencing angst over it and over not giving something to a friend that she obviously really wanted.

[Anonymous]

I cannot imagine being friends with someone like that.

I'd say one last time: The poster was a gift from my husband. It is meaningful to the two of us, and I have no plans to give it away. I'm also done discussing this.

Then if she brings it up again, give her a blank look and completely change the subject as if you hadn't heard her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd get rid of the friend. Unbelievably entitled

For more context, she is the friend in our group that is always doing things for others. She is a type a organizer. She hosts gatherings. She organized my baby shower. And she has given me tons of baby hand me downs.

Ya, this is a type. They do this to allow them to think of themselves as good people. She likely has a personality disorder.

Listen to the fact that she is making you feel guilty -- why are you willing to have a relationship with someone who makes you feel guilty and bad?

Good luck. I tried to slow fade someone like this in my life and she clung like a barnacle. When I told her straight out that I felt uncomfortable with our dynamic, she lost her mind, trashed me to mutual friends, etc.

[Anonymous]

Put it in a private space in your house so that she stops seeing it. If she still asks about it tell her it's in a private place so you can gaze at it adoringly. She'll eventually forget about it.

[Anonymous]

Would you consider finding a copy and gifting it to her for a bday or something like that? I wonder if her jealousy stems from the effort your husband put in.

I do have a friend who travels and has some incredible art. I don't cover much, but am definitely jealous of some of her purchases. Not the price, but her eye for buying pieces.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Put it in a private space in your house so that she stops seeing it. If she still asks about it tell her it's in a private place so you can gaze at it adoringly. She'll eventually forget about it.

Don't do this. F her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You know, after typing all that out, I think the real problem is that I’m letting my friend control how I feel about this poster. I have a problem with the idea she has a negative image of me and it’s hard for me to sit with that uncomfortable feeling. So to make that feeling go away, I’m thinking I might fix it by just giving it to her. But then I’d have to sit with the feeling that my husband would be really hurt that gave it away. All of this is focused on people pleasing in some way. Which maybe is selfish on my part. And people pleasing is not a good trait.

I feel like I need to get a place to be able to say no without feeling guilty or bad about myself. And without also being angry at my friend for making me feel that way either. You know, like radical acceptance of her and her quirks and also not just acknowledging that I have my own desires but honoring them as well- without the guilt! It is so hard though not to feel the guilt.

No. No no no. You don’t have to accept this “friend.” The reason why people are calling the friend crazy and your guilty reaction odd is that NONE of us has a friend who has begged to be given a possession of ours. This has not happened to anyone who has responded, I guarantee it. In your position, we would feel incredulous at the ask, not guilty bc we didn’t give into it. This is not a healthy relationship. Don’t accept it.

Hmmm. I think I really needed to hear this! Thank you. That was my initial reaction too, but then the more she kept asking me, I felt more and more like I was being the odd, selfish one.

[Anonymous]

I think it’s rude for friend to try to get something if yours. She can get her own. I do not give friends my belongings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Would you consider finding a copy and gifting it to her for a bday or something like that? I wonder if her jealousy stems from the effort your husband put in.

I do have a friend who travels and has some incredible art. I don't cover much, but am definitely jealous of some of her purchases. Not the price, but her eye for buying pieces.

I actually looked online. The vintage originals are actually very rare and valuable. I’ve seen one in much poorer condition posted for $1200. My husband got it for free from a friend who was an artist and collector.

I do think there’s something to what you said. She always complains that her husband buys the absolute worst gifts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd get rid of the friend. Unbelievably entitled

For more context, she is the friend in our group that is always doing things for others. She is a type a organizer. She hosts gatherings. She organized my baby shower. And she has given me tons of baby hand me downs.

Ya, this is a type. They do this to allow them to think of themselves as good people. She likely has a personality disorder.

Listen to the fact that she is making you feel guilty -- why are you willing to have a relationship with someone who makes you feel guilty and bad?

Good luck. I tried to slow fade someone like this in my life and she clung like a barnacle. When I told her straight out that I felt uncomfortable with our dynamic, she lost her mind, trashed me to mutual friends, etc.

We’ve had this same dynamic. We’ve had some falling out incidents but she’s always made her way back into my life, mostly because we have the same friends. I do think she may have a personality disorder but she is getting therapy. For a while I was her go to therapist but that was incredibly draining and not good for either of us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would you consider finding a copy and gifting it to her for a bday or something like that? I wonder if her jealousy stems from the effort your husband put in.

I do have a friend who travels and has some incredible art. I don't cover much, but am definitely jealous of some of her purchases. Not the price, but her eye for buying pieces.

I actually looked online. The vintage originals are actually very rare and valuable. I’ve seen one in much poorer condition posted for $1200. My husband got it for free from a friend who was an artist and collector.

I do think there’s something to what you said. She always complains that her husband buys the absolute worst gifts.

I meant a copy copy, not an original. But honestly, this is her problem not years. If you are feeling ballsy, you might say, "I love to death, but can I ask why do you insist on asking for a sentimental gift my husband gave me? I will never give it to you and I wish you would stop asking."

I had a friend who I kept suggesting she retire because I was jealous she could. I found out I was annoying her and I apologized and acknowledged I was projecting. We are still close friends.

[Anonymous]

You need more therapy. Normal people don’t ask a friend to give them their home decor. Normal people don’t ask friends to hand over gifts they got from their husbands. And normal people don’t entertain those requests for even a second.

[Anonymous]

My friends don’t ask me for things… They typically have their own… if they did the answer would be no.

You should also end that beggy friendship.

[Anonymous]

No offense OP but this post is SO crazy that it cannot be true!!?? 😶‍🌫️

Okay but I WILL bite.
If this is actually a legitimate issue then you need to steer clear of this so-called “friend.”

Because friends do not ask for other friend’s personal possessions.
At all.

And they most definitely do not mention what they want you to leave them in your will!!

[Anonymous]

You are both weird with weird things going on in your life.
I don't have friends who ask for my staff and definitely not for years. Once would be enough. I also don't have stuff they would want. Not sure what came first.
Not part of any free stuff group as they all were more trouble that worth it.
Simply your life.