When a friend asks for something of yours

[Anonymous]

Are you still in therapy? If your friend hasn't asked in a year and you're making a post about it, maybe it's time for a new therapist.

[Anonymous]

I don't think I have ever had a friend ask for something of mine, other than perhaps a copy of a recipe.

This person is not your friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you still in therapy? If your friend hasn't asked in a year and you're making a post about it, maybe it's time for a new therapist.

I had therapy for 2 years, and it's been about a couple years since I stopped my sessions.

[Anonymous]

Hunt down the same poster (Ebay?), buy it probably dirt cheap, get it framed or find a frame in a thrift shop, and give as a gift for her birthday. Problem solved, and you get to keep the friendship. Not sure if the friendship is worth keeping, though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's weird but I had a friend who was similar. I think she expected me to treat her to things because I had more money maybe, and made comments where she openly coveted things of mine--I remember thinking that if I offered them to her she would take them. I think she was hinting around to see what I would do. She made a comment one time to the effect that something I had looked like it was something she would own but not me, which felt kind of insulting. I had known her off and in since childhood so I stayed friends longer tgan I should have. Eventually she ghosted me which was fine. She had other friends and they took her on trips or she stayed at their beach houses and stuff like that. I think when she realized she couldn't really use me, I didn't matter to her.

The person is a user. Do not give her your possessions.

Yes! - that was exactly her point. That this framed poster was something that was more perfectly suited for HER, not ME and therefore she deserved to have it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hunt down the same poster (Ebay?), buy it probably dirt cheap, get it framed or find a frame in a thrift shop, and give as a gift for her birthday. Problem solved, and you get to keep the friendship. Not sure if the friendship is worth keeping, though.

Why do some of you keep suggesting this? No way should op do this as a way to appease her friend whose request was incredibly inappropriate. This just rewards the friend's terrible behavior and does nothing to address the real issue which is setting boundaries when people behave inappropriately. Why should op spend her time and money tracking down a copy of this poster because someone else was aggressive about trying to claim it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You know, after typing all that out, I think the real problem is that I’m letting my friend control how I feel about this poster. I have a problem with the idea she has a negative image of me and it’s hard for me to sit with that uncomfortable feeling. So to make that feeling go away, I’m thinking I might fix it by just giving it to her. But then I’d have to sit with the feeling that my husband would be really hurt that gave it away. All of this is focused on people pleasing in some way. Which maybe is selfish on my part. And people pleasing is not a good trait.

I feel like I need to get a place to be able to say no without feeling guilty or bad about myself. And without also being angry at my friend for making me feel that way either. You know, like radical acceptance of her and her quirks and also not just acknowledging that I have my own desires but honoring them as well- without the guilt! It is so hard though not to feel the guilt.

I wouldn't show radical acceptance to a person who is off the chain inappropriate. She knows she has some power over you because she organizes things and is trying to stiff arm you. She isn't a good person. I don't have a single friend who would expect me to hand her my any of my possessions. Feel guilty that you are planning on stealing something from your husband to give to someone who has no rights to the item.

Get therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You do not owe her anything. I don’t think she’s your friend. Giving you hand me downs doesn’t mean she’s a selfless person.

You need to stop talking about the poster—shut her down. She brings it up and you say “you have asked and I have answered. This is my poster and you need to stop asking me for it. Im done, don’t ask me again.”

And don’t talk about putting it in your will for goodness sake. She’s weird.

I do have to keep reminding myself that she’s one of my “arm’s length” friends. Good boundaries keep it better for both of us. But I do think the problem lies with me in that I’m letting it bother me so much. I’m sure others would just dismiss it like the crazy request that it is, but for me, yes I do take the request seriously and I’ve been experiencing angst over it and over not giving something to a friend that she obviously really wanted.

No, most of us would be very bothered by it. What she is doing isn't a small annoying thing. It shows she is incredibly inappropriate and is obsessed. She is so off, I would avoid her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No offense OP but this post is SO crazy that it cannot be true!!?? 😶‍🌫️

Okay but I WILL bite.
If this is actually a legitimate issue then you need to steer clear of this so-called “friend.”

Because friends do not ask for other friend’s personal possessions.
At all.

And they most definitely do not mention what they want you to leave them in your will!!

I could just be making a bigger deal of it than it is. To be fair, it's not like she's begging me for the picture every time she sees me. And she has only come over to my house and seen the picture maybe 3 times, and she just comments on it when she sees it. So maybe she means it as a joke or whatever when she says she deserves this poster more than I do because she is a "true" fan and that she calls dibs on it when I die and that I should put it in my will for her. She says crazy stuff like this all the time, and she is kind of half joking half serious. And maybe it is just my own issue, that it makes me feel uncomfortable when she brings it up.

Do you tend to take things VERY literally, OP? Perhaps that’s why she “jokes” that you are autistic? (Not funny, but it sounds like she has an obnoxious sense of humor and enjoys teasing you). It’s possible she has no idea that you are taking this so seriously.

Oh no, the autism comment was not a joke. She said it matter of factly like of course I’m autistic, and by the way, my husband is too and that’s how we found each other. I didn’t even know how to respond to that one. But she’s pretty much diagnosed most of the women in her life with something.

I would communicate with her directly as an adult. My response would be "wow, what a rude comment. I'm offended by your comment. How inappropriate. "

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d look on the internet for the same poster and get it for her.

It’s very aggressive and not being a friend for her to keep pressuring you and asking you about it. That’s bizarre.

It's more bizarre that you expect op to get the poster for her. Who are you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Find the vintage poster on eBay or the like and buy it to surprise her one day. Do not give her your beloved one.

Why are you suggesting op feed this entitlement? This is sick, twisted behavior in and of itself.

[Anonymous]

OMG, send her a link to the same poster on eBay and then tell her to lose your number.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The fact you have had three friends like this means there is something going on with you that you put up with this nonsense. I’m not blaming you — these people are terrible. But I’m 51 with lots of friends over many years. No one has ever asked me something like this. I do think you need more insight as to why you remain friends with people like this.

Many of us learn these behaviors from one of our parents so the behavior is familiar and we don't shy away from it as other people might, even if it makes us uncomfortable. OP - the first step is to acknowledge that your friend's behavior makes you really uncomfortable. The next step is to ask yourself why you invited someone like this into your life. And then you work on learning to build boundaries in your relationships and not to say yes when you really want to say no. Who cares that this person does so much for others. That doesn't actually make them a good person. Selflessness can be a good trait but not always. They feed off people like you who think you must be crazy to say no to someone who is seemingly so generous to others with their time. You are not a bad person for having manipulative people in your life but you can definitely learn how to stop the cycle once you understand why you do this.

I thought about this, and whether it was true. My parents never took my stuff. But I also I never really had ownership over anything until I was closer to 18.

This is fairly typical right? In other words, up until I was close to an adult, I never picked out anything for myself, although things were bought for me. And also, things would just disappear from my room without a word.

Sigh... You have to be a troll.

[Anonymous]

I read the title and beginning and was thinking of a friend who asked to borrow my folding table the other day for her daughter’s grad party. Of course I was happy to lend it to my friend.

Then I finished reading and your friend is nuts. I can’t imagine a friend ever asking to take a poster off my wall to permanently give to them. It’s an unreasonable request

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd get rid of the friend. Unbelievably entitled

DUMP friend. She sounds truly awful.