When a friend asks for something of yours

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you just give it to them if they are your friend?

I think I may be on the selfish side because I don’t like giving my cherished possessions away. I’ve also heard that it’s bad luck to keep the things that others covet. I buy very little and usually the things I have, I hold onto forever.

Basically, my friend has been pressuring me to give her this one of a kind vintage movie poster that my husband had professionally framed in a cherry wood frame in our earlier years of dating, and gifted to me as a birthday gift. He was pretty poor then so it was a very significant gift because I’d guess the framing must have cost a lot and he knew I liked the movie.

My friend is also a big fan of this movie, probably more so than I am, and so she feels she is more deserving of this poster because I don’t love the movie as much as she does. The first time she asked at our housewarming party, when it was up on our wall, I was pretty incredulous that she had the gall to even ask because that’s something I’d never do. I flatly said no.

But she has been asking me for this poster for years, every time she sees it. And I get the feeling SHE is incredulous that I keep refusing to give it to her, and she’s always made snide comments here and there, more about other people she thinks are selfish and self centered. And she’s made a few comments about me as well- more along the lines that I’m not a good friend. Things like not picking up the phone reliably when she calls, or not being thoughtful like she is. She also claims I’m autistic, which I’m not.

Anyway I’ve told her repeatedly that it has special meaning to me and I do actually love the movie. And so now she has made me promise that I put it in my will to give to her. Now whenever I look at this poster I have negative feelings of guilt and I go back and forth on whether I should just suck it up and give it to her. Otherwise the only way she’ll get to enjoy it is if I die an early death. Every time I look at it I feel bad about myself that I may be a selfish and sucky friend. I told my husband about it and he basically said he’d be mad if I gave it away because it was a special gift from him. So it’s really a no-win situation.

So my question is WWYD in the same situation?

I have a hard time believing this is real or that you are not overreacting to her jokes of wanting the poster. BUT, people never cease to amaze so let's assume it's true. This is partly on you for making this a bigger deal and not shutting it down:

"Larla, you have mentioned this many times. I can't tell if you're joking or not. But, in case I wasn't clear, I'm NEVER giving this to you or anyone b/c it's special to me. And it's making me uncomfortable that you keep asking me. So can you please stop."

The. end.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You know, after typing all that out, I think the real problem is that I’m letting my friend control how I feel about this poster. I have a problem with the idea she has a negative image of me and it’s hard for me to sit with that uncomfortable feeling. So to make that feeling go away, I’m thinking I might fix it by just giving it to her. But then I’d have to sit with the feeling that my husband would be really hurt that gave it away. All of this is focused on people pleasing in some way. Which maybe is selfish on my part. And people pleasing is not a good trait.

I feel like I need to get a place to be able to say no without feeling guilty or bad about myself. And without also being angry at my friend for making me feel that way either. You know, like radical acceptance of her and her quirks and also not just acknowledging that I have my own desires but honoring them as well- without the guilt! It is so hard though not to feel the guilt.

No. No no no. You don’t have to accept this “friend.” The reason why people are calling the friend crazy and your guilty reaction odd is that NONE of us has a friend who has begged to be given a possession of ours. This has not happened to anyone who has responded, I guarantee it. In your position, we would feel incredulous at the ask, not guilty bc we didn’t give into it. This is not a healthy relationship. Don’t accept it.

Hmmm. I think I really needed to hear this! Thank you. That was my initial reaction too, but then the more she kept asking me, I felt more and more like I was being the odd, selfish one.

Not odd or selfish. But you do own part of this in letting it go on so long. You should have had some balls and just told her no and stop asking. Instead, she's been living rent free in your head. That's a you issue.

[Anonymous]

That’s not a friend thing to do, sounds like she thinks she’s at gallery/estate sale/business.

[Anonymous]

With technology today just make a copy of it and give it to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm speaking to you as a people-pleaser in recovery, to someone who I think has the same affliction. It will be long, but I'm going to tell the whole journey in case some of it resonates and rattles something loose in you.

Like you, I was raised to always accommodate the needs of others over my own, even (or perhaps especially) when those needs are over-the-top, aggressive, very imposing, or even upsetting to me. I grew up in a family of very emotionally immature people and learned from very young that one survival path for me was to have no needs of my own and be as accommodating as possible.

I started to recognize the problems with this in my 20s, though didn't realize it was people pleasing. I had a serious romantic relationship that fell apart and my partner accused me of being needy, which really hurt me because I work so hard to NOT be needy. I started seeing a therapist who started to scratch the surface of the dysfunction from my childhood and how I was carrying it forward. The biggest take away from that therapist was the idea that maybe it was okay to be "needy" if it helped me realize I do in fact have needs. And also to start thinking about how the people around me respond to my needs, and the balance of power in my relationships -- who sets the tone? whose emotions dominate? how do they respond to my emotions, especially my negative emotions, and so on? These were all good questions to wrestle with. I did, I got over that ex and also left a really unsatisfying job for one with more potential, and I thought "ah, I'm fixed!"

Haha, I was not fixed. In my 30s, I found myself in multiple relationships (a significant other, several friendships, and two workplace mentorships) that I now recognize as dysfunctional. I was still accommodating others all the time while not having my own needs met, despite being more conscious of this dynamic. I turns out these tendencies are so engrained that it happens unconsciously for me, so it's hard to change. I convince myself that I'm happy with things that just coincidentally make others happy, especially the most demanding people in my life. It was WAY harder to stop this than I originally anticipated.

At this part I started to realize something. I'm going to bold it because I think it's most relevant to your present struggle: Lifelong people pleasers like you and me tend to attract people into our lives who are eager to use and abuse our people pleasing tendencies, and especially people who know precisely which buttons to push (guilt, implying we are bad people, withholding affection or friendship) to coerce us into giving them what they want. They find us. Realizing this sucks because you realize that you have people in your life who are mainly attracted to you because they know you will roll over and give them what you want at your own expense. THESE PEOPLE ARE USERS. They may have redeeming qualities, but they have dysfunction, and it is perfectly tailored to take advantage of your dysfunction.

I am in my 40s now and I still struggle with these issues. I've been through three rounds of therapy and will go through more. Each new life stage and situation creates more opportunities for me to fall back into these habits and then to have to relearn how to stand up for myself and extract myself from these situations again. But the one thing I am finally becoming better at is recognizing the users who see me as a mark.

Your friend is a user. She is intentionally trying to make you feel guilty to induce you to give her something you don't want to give her. She is creating conflict in your marriage by inserting her own needs into YOUR marriage. She is using a whole range of tools -- passive aggression, guilt tripping, undermining your self worth, self-aggrandizement, perceived quid pro quo (which isn't actually quid pro quo -- she never gives you anything she isn't eager to part with). She has likely honed these skills over a lifetime, since childhood, just like your people pleasing has been refined since a very young age.

Standing up to this person, saying no as many times as you need to when she tries to take advantage of you, and not allowing her dysfunction to cause you emotional pain and relationship strife, will be an incredibly valuable experience for you. Do it now, with this person, and it will help you practice for all the future people who will try to take advantage of you. Focus on your friends and family who don't try to use you in this way. Invest in those relationships. Let this particular friendship go, though. She is bad for you.

OP here. Thanks for sharing this. It 100 percent resonates. And I needed to hear this, especially now. This is all stuff I've worked on in therapy as well, but it's been a few years, and this was a good reminder. Old habits die hard. And you are so right that nothing is quite fixed - the people keep popping up in unexpected places in different forms, and I have to stay vigilant to keep protecting myself from being used.

I never quite thought of my cousin in the same category as that, but the way you described it, I realize she definitely uses ALL those tricks as well. The common thread that always feels like a knife through the heart is their rejection or judgment when I don't deliver exactly what they need or want in the moment.

I think I put my guard down with this friend who was asking me for the poster (which happened a year ago). Either I got much better at setting boundaries and avoiding "unprotected" solo time with her, and she no longer considered me an easy target, or she has gotten better through therapy. But things "generally" are better than how they used to be.

However: I managed to get myself in a situation now where I've committed to a trip that will require some alone with her, so even though I mostly forgot about my caution, my body is sending me big warning signs and I'm feeling anxiety. She throws weird curveballs at me when we are alone together.. Things like "splitting" where she talks bad about mutual friends with me, or bringing up some past incident when I had failed to meet her need in some very significant way (said to me as parenting advice on how to deal with my child, to enlighten me about my flaws).

Don't go on vacation with this person.

She has borderline personality disorder. You'll feel like you are arguing in circles trying to get out of their traps. The only thing to do is avoid them, and "gray rock" when you have to interact (don't reveal anything, don't get involved in emotional conversations, be very very boring and detached).

These people don't respond to insight. They only respond to boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm speaking to you as a people-pleaser in recovery, to someone who I think has the same affliction. It will be long, but I'm going to tell the whole journey in case some of it resonates and rattles something loose in you.

Like you, I was raised to always accommodate the needs of others over my own, even (or perhaps especially) when those needs are over-the-top, aggressive, very imposing, or even upsetting to me. I grew up in a family of very emotionally immature people and learned from very young that one survival path for me was to have no needs of my own and be as accommodating as possible.

I started to recognize the problems with this in my 20s, though didn't realize it was people pleasing. I had a serious romantic relationship that fell apart and my partner accused me of being needy, which really hurt me because I work so hard to NOT be needy. I started seeing a therapist who started to scratch the surface of the dysfunction from my childhood and how I was carrying it forward. The biggest take away from that therapist was the idea that maybe it was okay to be "needy" if it helped me realize I do in fact have needs. And also to start thinking about how the people around me respond to my needs, and the balance of power in my relationships -- who sets the tone? whose emotions dominate? how do they respond to my emotions, especially my negative emotions, and so on? These were all good questions to wrestle with. I did, I got over that ex and also left a really unsatisfying job for one with more potential, and I thought "ah, I'm fixed!"

Haha, I was not fixed. In my 30s, I found myself in multiple relationships (a significant other, several friendships, and two workplace mentorships) that I now recognize as dysfunctional. I was still accommodating others all the time while not having my own needs met, despite being more conscious of this dynamic. I turns out these tendencies are so engrained that it happens unconsciously for me, so it's hard to change. I convince myself that I'm happy with things that just coincidentally make others happy, especially the most demanding people in my life. It was WAY harder to stop this than I originally anticipated.

At this part I started to realize something. I'm going to bold it because I think it's most relevant to your present struggle: Lifelong people pleasers like you and me tend to attract people into our lives who are eager to use and abuse our people pleasing tendencies, and especially people who know precisely which buttons to push (guilt, implying we are bad people, withholding affection or friendship) to coerce us into giving them what they want. They find us. Realizing this sucks because you realize that you have people in your life who are mainly attracted to you because they know you will roll over and give them what you want at your own expense. THESE PEOPLE ARE USERS. They may have redeeming qualities, but they have dysfunction, and it is perfectly tailored to take advantage of your dysfunction.

I am in my 40s now and I still struggle with these issues. I've been through three rounds of therapy and will go through more. Each new life stage and situation creates more opportunities for me to fall back into these habits and then to have to relearn how to stand up for myself and extract myself from these situations again. But the one thing I am finally becoming better at is recognizing the users who see me as a mark.

Your friend is a user. She is intentionally trying to make you feel guilty to induce you to give her something you don't want to give her. She is creating conflict in your marriage by inserting her own needs into YOUR marriage. She is using a whole range of tools -- passive aggression, guilt tripping, undermining your self worth, self-aggrandizement, perceived quid pro quo (which isn't actually quid pro quo -- she never gives you anything she isn't eager to part with). She has likely honed these skills over a lifetime, since childhood, just like your people pleasing has been refined since a very young age.

Standing up to this person, saying no as many times as you need to when she tries to take advantage of you, and not allowing her dysfunction to cause you emotional pain and relationship strife, will be an incredibly valuable experience for you. Do it now, with this person, and it will help you practice for all the future people who will try to take advantage of you. Focus on your friends and family who don't try to use you in this way. Invest in those relationships. Let this particular friendship go, though. She is bad for you.

OP here. Thanks for sharing this. It 100 percent resonates. And I needed to hear this, especially now. This is all stuff I've worked on in therapy as well, but it's been a few years, and this was a good reminder. Old habits die hard. And you are so right that nothing is quite fixed - the people keep popping up in unexpected places in different forms, and I have to stay vigilant to keep protecting myself from being used.

I never quite thought of my cousin in the same category as that, but the way you described it, I realize she definitely uses ALL those tricks as well. The common thread that always feels like a knife through the heart is their rejection or judgment when I don't deliver exactly what they need or want in the moment.

I think I put my guard down with this friend who was asking me for the poster (which happened a year ago). Either I got much better at setting boundaries and avoiding "unprotected" solo time with her, and she no longer considered me an easy target, or she has gotten better through therapy. But things "generally" are better than how they used to be.

However: I managed to get myself in a situation now where I've committed to a trip that will require some alone with her, so even though I mostly forgot about my caution, my body is sending me big warning signs and I'm feeling anxiety. She throws weird curveballs at me when we are alone together.. Things like "splitting" where she talks bad about mutual friends with me, or bringing up some past incident when I had failed to meet her need in some very significant way (said to me as parenting advice on how to deal with my child, to enlighten me about my flaws).

Don't go on vacation with this person.

She has borderline personality disorder. You'll feel like you are arguing in circles trying to get out of their traps. The only thing to do is avoid them, and "gray rock" when you have to interact (don't reveal anything, don't get involved in emotional conversations, be very very boring and detached).

These people don't respond to insight. They only respond to boundaries.

I’ve already committed.
She is in therapy now so maybe she’s better? Second chances? And I’m better equipped to deal with nonsense now too.

I just need some ground rules from myself so I don’t forget and let my guard down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm speaking to you as a people-pleaser in recovery, to someone who I think has the same affliction. It will be long, but I'm going to tell the whole journey in case some of it resonates and rattles something loose in you.

Like you, I was raised to always accommodate the needs of others over my own, even (or perhaps especially) when those needs are over-the-top, aggressive, very imposing, or even upsetting to me. I grew up in a family of very emotionally immature people and learned from very young that one survival path for me was to have no needs of my own and be as accommodating as possible.

I started to recognize the problems with this in my 20s, though didn't realize it was people pleasing. I had a serious romantic relationship that fell apart and my partner accused me of being needy, which really hurt me because I work so hard to NOT be needy. I started seeing a therapist who started to scratch the surface of the dysfunction from my childhood and how I was carrying it forward. The biggest take away from that therapist was the idea that maybe it was okay to be "needy" if it helped me realize I do in fact have needs. And also to start thinking about how the people around me respond to my needs, and the balance of power in my relationships -- who sets the tone? whose emotions dominate? how do they respond to my emotions, especially my negative emotions, and so on? These were all good questions to wrestle with. I did, I got over that ex and also left a really unsatisfying job for one with more potential, and I thought "ah, I'm fixed!"

Haha, I was not fixed. In my 30s, I found myself in multiple relationships (a significant other, several friendships, and two workplace mentorships) that I now recognize as dysfunctional. I was still accommodating others all the time while not having my own needs met, despite being more conscious of this dynamic. I turns out these tendencies are so engrained that it happens unconsciously for me, so it's hard to change. I convince myself that I'm happy with things that just coincidentally make others happy, especially the most demanding people in my life. It was WAY harder to stop this than I originally anticipated.

At this part I started to realize something. I'm going to bold it because I think it's most relevant to your present struggle: Lifelong people pleasers like you and me tend to attract people into our lives who are eager to use and abuse our people pleasing tendencies, and especially people who know precisely which buttons to push (guilt, implying we are bad people, withholding affection or friendship) to coerce us into giving them what they want. They find us. Realizing this sucks because you realize that you have people in your life who are mainly attracted to you because they know you will roll over and give them what you want at your own expense. THESE PEOPLE ARE USERS. They may have redeeming qualities, but they have dysfunction, and it is perfectly tailored to take advantage of your dysfunction.

I am in my 40s now and I still struggle with these issues. I've been through three rounds of therapy and will go through more. Each new life stage and situation creates more opportunities for me to fall back into these habits and then to have to relearn how to stand up for myself and extract myself from these situations again. But the one thing I am finally becoming better at is recognizing the users who see me as a mark.

Your friend is a user. She is intentionally trying to make you feel guilty to induce you to give her something you don't want to give her. She is creating conflict in your marriage by inserting her own needs into YOUR marriage. She is using a whole range of tools -- passive aggression, guilt tripping, undermining your self worth, self-aggrandizement, perceived quid pro quo (which isn't actually quid pro quo -- she never gives you anything she isn't eager to part with). She has likely honed these skills over a lifetime, since childhood, just like your people pleasing has been refined since a very young age.

Standing up to this person, saying no as many times as you need to when she tries to take advantage of you, and not allowing her dysfunction to cause you emotional pain and relationship strife, will be an incredibly valuable experience for you. Do it now, with this person, and it will help you practice for all the future people who will try to take advantage of you. Focus on your friends and family who don't try to use you in this way. Invest in those relationships. Let this particular friendship go, though. She is bad for you.

OP here. Thanks for sharing this. It 100 percent resonates. And I needed to hear this, especially now. This is all stuff I've worked on in therapy as well, but it's been a few years, and this was a good reminder. Old habits die hard. And you are so right that nothing is quite fixed - the people keep popping up in unexpected places in different forms, and I have to stay vigilant to keep protecting myself from being used.

I never quite thought of my cousin in the same category as that, but the way you described it, I realize she definitely uses ALL those tricks as well. The common thread that always feels like a knife through the heart is their rejection or judgment when I don't deliver exactly what they need or want in the moment.

I think I put my guard down with this friend who was asking me for the poster (which happened a year ago). Either I got much better at setting boundaries and avoiding "unprotected" solo time with her, and she no longer considered me an easy target, or she has gotten better through therapy. But things "generally" are better than how they used to be.

However: I managed to get myself in a situation now where I've committed to a trip that will require some alone with her, so even though I mostly forgot about my caution, my body is sending me big warning signs and I'm feeling anxiety. She throws weird curveballs at me when we are alone together.. Things like "splitting" where she talks bad about mutual friends with me, or bringing up some past incident when I had failed to meet her need in some very significant way (said to me as parenting advice on how to deal with my child, to enlighten me about my flaws).

Don't go on vacation with this person.

She has borderline personality disorder. You'll feel like you are arguing in circles trying to get out of their traps. The only thing to do is avoid them, and "gray rock" when you have to interact (don't reveal anything, don't get involved in emotional conversations, be very very boring and detached).

These people don't respond to insight. They only respond to boundaries.

I’ve already committed.
She is in therapy now so maybe she’s better? Second chances? And I’m better equipped to deal with nonsense now too.

I just need some ground rules from myself so I don’t forget and let my guard down.

"Some techniques a person might use when grey rocking include:

giving short, noncommittal, or one-word answers
keeping interactions short
avoiding arguing, no matter what someone says or does to provoke it
keeping personal or sensitive information private
showing no emotion or vulnerability
minimizing contact, such as by waiting long periods of time before responding to texts or leaving a call as quickly as possible"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd get rid of the friend. Unbelievably entitled

For more context, she is the friend in our group that is always doing things for others. She is a type an organizer. She hosts gatherings. She organized my baby shower. And she has given me tons of baby hand me downs.

I don’t care what she’s done. She’s being rude and imposing and bordering on bullying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You know, after typing all that out, I think the real problem is that I’m letting my friend control how I feel about this poster. I have a problem with the idea she has a negative image of me and it’s hard for me to sit with that uncomfortable feeling. So to make that feeling go away, I’m thinking I might fix it by just giving it to her. But then I’d have to sit with the feeling that my husband would be really hurt that gave it away. All of this is focused on people pleasing in some way. Which maybe is selfish on my part. And people pleasing is not a good trait.

I feel like I need to get a place to be able to say no without feeling guilty or bad about myself. And without also being angry at my friend for making me feel that way either. You know, like radical acceptance of her and her quirks and also not just acknowledging that I have my own desires but honoring them as well- without the guilt! It is so hard though not to feel the guilt.

It’s called people pleasing and she knows you are one. Set an internal boundary for yourself. Just say it was a gift and I’m giving it away. If she asks again repeat the same. It’s called broken record. This person is terrible. You’re letting her continue on. She’s hoping you’ll give in. Maybe all her organizing is about control. Ever considered this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would you consider finding a copy and gifting it to her for a bday or something like that? I wonder if her jealousy stems from the effort your husband put in.

I do have a friend who travels and has some incredible art. I don't cover much, but am definitely jealous of some of her purchases. Not the price, but her eye for buying pieces.

I actually looked online. The vintage originals are actually very rare and valuable. I’ve seen one in much poorer condition posted for $1200. My husband got it for free from a friend who was an artist and collector.

I do think there’s something to what you said. She always complains that her husband buys the absolute worst gifts.

Assuming she is UMC, the poster, even in very good condition, is something she can afford if she really wanted it. Her jealousy is about the story behind it, not the poster.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm speaking to you as a people-pleaser in recovery, to someone who I think has the same affliction. It will be long, but I'm going to tell the whole journey in case some of it resonates and rattles something loose in you.

Like you, I was raised to always accommodate the needs of others over my own, even (or perhaps especially) when those needs are over-the-top, aggressive, very imposing, or even upsetting to me. I grew up in a family of very emotionally immature people and learned from very young that one survival path for me was to have no needs of my own and be as accommodating as possible.

I started to recognize the problems with this in my 20s, though didn't realize it was people pleasing. I had a serious romantic relationship that fell apart and my partner accused me of being needy, which really hurt me because I work so hard to NOT be needy. I started seeing a therapist who started to scratch the surface of the dysfunction from my childhood and how I was carrying it forward. The biggest take away from that therapist was the idea that maybe it was okay to be "needy" if it helped me realize I do in fact have needs. And also to start thinking about how the people around me respond to my needs, and the balance of power in my relationships -- who sets the tone? whose emotions dominate? how do they respond to my emotions, especially my negative emotions, and so on? These were all good questions to wrestle with. I did, I got over that ex and also left a really unsatisfying job for one with more potential, and I thought "ah, I'm fixed!"

Haha, I was not fixed. In my 30s, I found myself in multiple relationships (a significant other, several friendships, and two workplace mentorships) that I now recognize as dysfunctional. I was still accommodating others all the time while not having my own needs met, despite being more conscious of this dynamic. I turns out these tendencies are so engrained that it happens unconsciously for me, so it's hard to change. I convince myself that I'm happy with things that just coincidentally make others happy, especially the most demanding people in my life. It was WAY harder to stop this than I originally anticipated.

At this part I started to realize something. I'm going to bold it because I think it's most relevant to your present struggle: Lifelong people pleasers like you and me tend to attract people into our lives who are eager to use and abuse our people pleasing tendencies, and especially people who know precisely which buttons to push (guilt, implying we are bad people, withholding affection or friendship) to coerce us into giving them what they want. They find us. Realizing this sucks because you realize that you have people in your life who are mainly attracted to you because they know you will roll over and give them what you want at your own expense. THESE PEOPLE ARE USERS. They may have redeeming qualities, but they have dysfunction, and it is perfectly tailored to take advantage of your dysfunction.

I am in my 40s now and I still struggle with these issues. I've been through three rounds of therapy and will go through more. Each new life stage and situation creates more opportunities for me to fall back into these habits and then to have to relearn how to stand up for myself and extract myself from these situations again. But the one thing I am finally becoming better at is recognizing the users who see me as a mark.

Your friend is a user. She is intentionally trying to make you feel guilty to induce you to give her something you don't want to give her. She is creating conflict in your marriage by inserting her own needs into YOUR marriage. She is using a whole range of tools -- passive aggression, guilt tripping, undermining your self worth, self-aggrandizement, perceived quid pro quo (which isn't actually quid pro quo -- she never gives you anything she isn't eager to part with). She has likely honed these skills over a lifetime, since childhood, just like your people pleasing has been refined since a very young age.

Standing up to this person, saying no as many times as you need to when she tries to take advantage of you, and not allowing her dysfunction to cause you emotional pain and relationship strife, will be an incredibly valuable experience for you. Do it now, with this person, and it will help you practice for all the future people who will try to take advantage of you. Focus on your friends and family who don't try to use you in this way. Invest in those relationships. Let this particular friendship go, though. She is bad for you.

OP here. Thanks for sharing this. It 100 percent resonates. And I needed to hear this, especially now. This is all stuff I've worked on in therapy as well, but it's been a few years, and this was a good reminder. Old habits die hard. And you are so right that nothing is quite fixed - the people keep popping up in unexpected places in different forms, and I have to stay vigilant to keep protecting myself from being used.

I never quite thought of my cousin in the same category as that, but the way you described it, I realize she definitely uses ALL those tricks as well. The common thread that always feels like a knife through the heart is their rejection or judgment when I don't deliver exactly what they need or want in the moment.

I think I put my guard down with this friend who was asking me for the poster (which happened a year ago). Either I got much better at setting boundaries and avoiding "unprotected" solo time with her, and she no longer considered me an easy target, or she has gotten better through therapy. But things "generally" are better than how they used to be.

However: I managed to get myself in a situation now where I've committed to a trip that will require some alone with her, so even though I mostly forgot about my caution, my body is sending me big warning signs and I'm feeling anxiety. She throws weird curveballs at me when we are alone together.. Things like "splitting" where she talks bad about mutual friends with me, or bringing up some past incident when I had failed to meet her need in some very significant way (said to me as parenting advice on how to deal with my child, to enlighten me about my flaws).

Don't go on vacation with this person.

She has borderline personality disorder. You'll feel like you are arguing in circles trying to get out of their traps. The only thing to do is avoid them, and "gray rock" when you have to interact (don't reveal anything, don't get involved in emotional conversations, be very very boring and detached).

These people don't respond to insight. They only respond to boundaries.

I’ve already committed.
She is in therapy now so maybe she’s better? Second chances? And I’m better equipped to deal with nonsense now too.

I just need some ground rules from myself so I don’t forget and let my guard down.

Are you OP? No second chances. You are already caving and setting yourself up for abuse and manipulation.

Don't go. Let her call you every horrible thing. It will be the end.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You do not owe her anything. I don’t think she’s your friend. Giving you hand me downs doesn’t mean she’s a selfless person.

You need to stop talking about the poster—shut her down. She brings it up and you say “you have asked and I have answered. This is my poster and you need to stop asking me for it. Im done, don’t ask me again.”

And don’t talk about putting it in your will for goodness sake. She’s weird.

+1

Tell her to buy her own poster on EBay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Radical acceptance of someone who harasses you, makes you feel terrible about yourself and calls you autistic?

Is it possible she’s joking and you are taking it literally? Like the comment about the will - it’s hard to imagine she’s serious, because it’s just so ludicrous. Maybe she’s just teasing you at this point? But even that would be cruel, knowing that you are taking it seriously.

I mean, she says a lot of crazy stuff. Sometimes she’s half joking but she’s also serious that she wants this poster badly. She even told me she’s been searching online all over looking for something similar but hasn’t found one.

She is a terrible person, not only wanting a gift from your husband, but ruining the gift for you. Get rid of her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The fact you have had three friends like this means there is something going on with you that you put up with this nonsense. I’m not blaming you — these people are terrible. But I’m 51 with lots of friends over many years. No one has ever asked me something like this. I do think you need more insight as to why you remain friends with people like this.

Many of us learn these behaviors from one of our parents so the behavior is familiar and we don't shy away from it as other people might, even if it makes us uncomfortable. OP - the first step is to acknowledge that your friend's behavior makes you really uncomfortable. The next step is to ask yourself why you invited someone like this into your life. And then you work on learning to build boundaries in your relationships and not to say yes when you really want to say no. Who cares that this person does so much for others. That doesn't actually make them a good person. Selflessness can be a good trait but not always. They feed off people like you who think you must be crazy to say no to someone who is seemingly so generous to others with their time. You are not a bad person for having manipulative people in your life but you can definitely learn how to stop the cycle once you understand why you do this.

I thought about this, and whether it was true. My parents never took my stuff. But I also I never really had ownership over anything until I was closer to 18.

This is fairly typical right? In other words, up until I was close to an adult, I never picked out anything for myself, although things were bought for me. And also, things would just disappear from my room without a word.

No the behavior you learned was about not having boundaries and not being able to say no to people without feeling guilty.

Are you a Catholic from Asia?

OHHH. Yeah, that was 100 percent true. I was never allowed to say no. I would have gotten whooped by my parents. And yeah I would have been given a major guilt trip or made out to be a really bad selfish girl by my grandma and my aunts.

[Anonymous]

Had a similar experience infact experiences to be precise, of a person who i once called a 'Friend'. She desperately wanted the saree (Indian drape) that i wore for my 25th wedding anniversary. Believe it or not , At every phone call and at our coffee catchups she would mention that saree and that she wanted it. If she had a wedding to attend she would attempt to ask me for it. Sarees are in plenty sold in India and overseas and she could easily get one similar or even better, but for some reasons she was obsessed with that one saree . Until one day i told her that i had left it at my mothers place in India during one of my India visits. She would do the same when we went shopping, grab the stuff that i selected off from my hand. I was exactly in the same dilemma you have described ,as you are in . Fortunately something else happened and i was forced to disconnect the friendship. Finally the Universe helped