When a friend asks for something of yours

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd get rid of the friend. Unbelievably entitled

For more context, she is the friend in our group that is always doing things for others. She is a type a organizer. She hosts gatherings. She organized my baby shower. And she has given me tons of baby hand me downs.

Ya, this is a type. They do this to allow them to think of themselves as good people. She likely has a personality disorder.

Listen to the fact that she is making you feel guilty -- why are you willing to have a relationship with someone who makes you feel guilty and bad?

Good luck. I tried to slow fade someone like this in my life and she clung like a barnacle. When I told her straight out that I felt uncomfortable with our dynamic, she lost her mind, trashed me to mutual friends, etc.

We’ve had this same dynamic. We’ve had some falling out incidents but she’s always made her way back into my life, mostly because we have the same friends. I do think she may have a personality disorder but she is getting therapy. For a while I was her go to therapist but that was incredibly draining and not good for either of us.

I'm PP and oh my goodness is this familiar.

I have had therapy and I realized something -- while that friend did have a personality disorder, I realized that I attracted people with that personality type because my mom is like that, too. So it was on me, too, accepting that kind of neediness.

That's why so many people chiming in think it sounds like a crazy situation -- healthy people actually don't tolerate these personalities at all. But we do.

Therapy really helped me figure that out, and also figure out how to kindly and firmly say no and protect my energy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No offense OP but this post is SO crazy that it cannot be true!!?? 😶‍🌫️

Okay but I WILL bite.
If this is actually a legitimate issue then you need to steer clear of this so-called “friend.”

Because friends do not ask for other friend’s personal possessions.
At all.

And they most definitely do not mention what they want you to leave them in your will!!

I could just be making a bigger deal of it than it is. To be fair, it's not like she's begging me for the picture every time she sees me. And she has only come over to my house and seen the picture maybe 3 times, and she just comments on it when she sees it. So maybe she means it as a joke or whatever when she says she deserves this poster more than I do because she is a "true" fan and that she calls dibs on it when I die and that I should put it in my will for her. She says crazy stuff like this all the time, and she is kind of half joking half serious. And maybe it is just my own issue, that it makes me feel uncomfortable when she brings it up.

No, even those “jokes” are completely out of line. You need to stop trying to justify her outrageous behavior.

[Anonymous]

DCUM is never unanimous unless it’s BAD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mean, that’s bats**t to harass you like that. But the fact that you actually feel guilty about it is very concerning. Drop the friend and maybe try some therapy to understand why you would question yourself instead of her.

+100
- a therapist

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No offense OP but this post is SO crazy that it cannot be true!!?? 😶‍🌫️

Okay but I WILL bite.
If this is actually a legitimate issue then you need to steer clear of this so-called “friend.”

Because friends do not ask for other friend’s personal possessions.
At all.

And they most definitely do not mention what they want you to leave them in your will!!

I could just be making a bigger deal of it than it is. To be fair, it's not like she's begging me for the picture every time she sees me. And she has only come over to my house and seen the picture maybe 3 times, and she just comments on it when she sees it. So maybe she means it as a joke or whatever when she says she deserves this poster more than I do because she is a "true" fan and that she calls dibs on it when I die and that I should put it in my will for her. She says crazy stuff like this all the time, and she is kind of half joking half serious. And maybe it is just my own issue, that it makes me feel uncomfortable when she brings it up.

Do you tend to take things VERY literally, OP? Perhaps that’s why she “jokes” that you are autistic? (Not funny, but it sounds like she has an obnoxious sense of humor and enjoys teasing you). It’s possible she has no idea that you are taking this so seriously.

[Anonymous]

I did not read the whole thread, but a lot. Even the title is telling.
Your title to this thread assumes that often, or often enough friends ask for other friends possessions.
This is not typical and it's telling that you assume it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd get rid of the friend. Unbelievably entitled

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You do not owe her anything. I don’t think she’s your friend. Giving you hand me downs doesn’t mean she’s a selfless person.

You need to stop talking about the poster—shut her down. She brings it up and you say “you have asked and I have answered. This is my poster and you need to stop asking me for it. Im done, don’t ask me again.”

And don’t talk about putting it in your will for goodness sake. She’s weird.

This. I know it sounds odd but many people take a perverse pleasure in hand me downs because it puts them in a one-up position and makes them feel better off than you and benevolent.

I too would ditch the friend. You need to get comfortable with your FIRM “no and stop asking me or I am going to have to step back from this friendship. My and my husbands feelings are more important to me than yours in this situation.” You are not indebted to her for her *gifts* to you.

[Anonymous]

I have several type A organizer friends who go out of their way to help me and others who would NEVER ask for this. Completely bizarre and inappropriate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd get rid of the friend. Unbelievably entitled

For more context, she is the friend in our group that is always doing things for others. She is a type a organizer. She hosts gatherings. She organized my baby shower. And she has given me tons of baby hand me downs.

Ya, this is a type. They do this to allow them to think of themselves as good people. She likely has a personality disorder.

Listen to the fact that she is making you feel guilty -- why are you willing to have a relationship with someone who makes you feel guilty and bad?

Good luck. I tried to slow fade someone like this in my life and she clung like a barnacle. When I told her straight out that I felt uncomfortable with our dynamic, she lost her mind, trashed me to mutual friends, etc.

We’ve had this same dynamic. We’ve had some falling out incidents but she’s always made her way back into my life, mostly because we have the same friends. I do think she may have a personality disorder but she is getting therapy. For a while I was her go to therapist but that was incredibly draining and not good for either of us.

I'm PP and oh my goodness is this familiar.

I have had therapy and I realized something -- while that friend did have a personality disorder, I realized that I attracted people with that personality type because my mom is like that, too. So it was on me, too, accepting that kind of neediness.

That's why so many people chiming in think it sounds like a crazy situation -- healthy people actually don't tolerate these personalities at all. But we do.

Therapy really helped me figure that out, and also figure out how to kindly and firmly say no and protect my energy.

This. And move on from this person, OP. Certainly never have them in your home again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you just give it to them if they are your friend?

I think I may be on the selfish side because I don’t like giving my cherished possessions away. I’ve also heard that it’s bad luck to keep the things that others covet. I buy very little and usually the things I have, I hold onto forever.

Basically, my friend has been pressuring me to give her this one of a kind vintage movie poster that my husband had professionally framed in a cherry wood frame in our earlier years of dating, and gifted to me as a birthday gift. He was pretty poor then so it was a very significant gift because I’d guess the framing must have cost a lot and he knew I liked the movie.

My friend is also a big fan of this movie, probably more so than I am, and so she feels she is more deserving of this poster because I don’t love the movie as much as she does. The first time she asked at our housewarming party, when it was up on our wall, I was pretty incredulous that she had the gall to even ask because that’s something I’d never do. I flatly said no.

But she has been asking me for this poster for years, every time she sees it. And I get the feeling SHE is incredulous that I keep refusing to give it to her, and she’s always made snide comments here and there, more about other people she thinks are selfish and self centered. And she’s made a few comments about me as well- more along the lines that I’m not a good friend. Things like not picking up the phone reliably when she calls, or not being thoughtful like she is. She also claims I’m autistic, which I’m not.

Anyway I’ve told her repeatedly that it has special meaning to me and I do actually love the movie. And so now she has made me promise that I put it in my will to give to her. Now whenever I look at this poster I have negative feelings of guilt and I go back and forth on whether I should just suck it up and give it to her. Otherwise the only way she’ll get to enjoy it is if I die an early death. Every time I look at it I feel bad about myself that I may be a selfish and sucky friend. I told my husband about it and he basically said he’d be mad if I gave it away because it was a special gift from him. So it’s really a no-win situation.

So my question is WWYD in the same situation?

Keep the husband.
Cut off the weirdo.
Get therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd get rid of the friend. Unbelievably entitled

For more context, she is the friend in our group that is always doing things for others. She is a type an organizer. She hosts gatherings. She organized my baby shower. And she has given me tons of baby hand me downs.

Distance and cultivate friendships outside this group.

[Anonymous]

In 47 years of life, no friend has ever asked me to give them something I own. This is not normal, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I honestly wonder if she does controlling stuff like this to other people in the group. It sounds sort of mean girls. Is that something the lead girl does in the movie? Make the other girls give her stuff she likes? Don’t make her feel bad about you. This is a her problem. In lacking boundaries and maybe being an abuser of power.

Yeah it sounds like a bet between 2 mean girls. “She’s such a loser. I bet I can make her give me that treasured poster off her wall.” “What? You’re crazy.” “No really, watch me. She’ll do it.”

Agree. I’d reevaluate this group, OP.

[Anonymous]

It's not "on the selfish side" to not give away your belongings, cherished or not, just because someone else asks for them. You and your friend both have issues with boundaries. I was a people pleaser for a very long time until I realized that saying no to someone might cause me momentary discomfort but that momentary discomfort was far preferable to saying yes and then resenting the person or situation forever more and letting them live in my head. You don't need to make excuses. If she brings it up again I would say "you've brought this up a few times. I am not giving you the poster. Please stop asking." you don't need to help her find a copy of the poster. you don't need to feel "guilty". you don't need to justify to yourself or to her why you don't want to give this poster to her at any time down the road.