How fair are my wants/wishes??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old is your child?

Do you already have an established babysitter?

He just turned 13 weeks. We have a weekly sitter while I work that can do date nights for us.

Oh you have a brand newborn baby. Of course that will make your marriage more challenging. I agree date nights are good, but otherwise you both need to majorly reduce your expectations. Give it until the baby is at least a year and then reassess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The fact he has to earn sex is not going to bode well. That is like him saying I will do more aroung the house every time you have sex with me. Using sex to manipulate and get what you want isn't a healthy relationship.

You guys should work with someone if you want this to last. I think your wants are excessive and your holding sex over his head as something he only gets if he earns it is really nasty.

Sex should be someone you both want together. You ant him to spend money on you and give you time alone - both things that are only about you. But all he gets in return is you will allow him access to your body if he spends enough money and leaves you alone for enough hours

He doesn’t have to earn sex. I will have sex with him without a date nights. I always liked the experience and feel it’s extra special now that I don’t feel that great with my new body. It’s more the experience of getting all dressed up for me.

The me time is just really important.

I do want quality time with him. This doesn’t always include a date night. This includes just watching our shows together, a nice walk after dinner, cuddling in bed before sleep, etc.

You said he has to wine and dine you if he wants sex. That is earning sex. What are you giving him from all of this other than duty sex when he spent enough money on you? Seems it is just about your wants and not at all about him. I doubt he really wants your sex as payment back for the money he spends on you - but that is all you think he should get? He probably wants sex with a wife who is attracted to him and wants to have sex with him. Just like if he said you have to have enough sex with him to earn a dinner out - you aren't going to really enjoy that date night when you know he just did it as payment back to you for having sex with him.

I don’t think I’m explaining it well. The date nights are not just for sex. I want the date nights for the closeness and to feel like us again. I love him and feel incredibly attracted to him. He knows I find him attractive because I constantly tell him and show him. We are super affectionate with each other.

I will enjoy the date nights. Being able to dress up and feel a little like my old self. Enjoying the experience of just going out and being able to talk uninterrupted. Being able to spend time together just us while feeling sexy and like a real human is what I want.

I’ve felt very much unlike myself these past couple of months. My body changed and I just don’t feel sexy. I feel shuttered in. I want to feel like myself again.

[Anonymous]

I don't really get what the issue is. You both want quality time. Great. Sounds like you're in a slump because you don't like your post partum body and don't get out at all. You don't need your husband to fix that. Go out with friends. Join an activity. Make a life for yourself outside of mom and wife. Date nights are completely reasonable but I hate the term "wine and dine". You want quality and intimate time together. It's not a transaction where he spends X amount on you so you put out. And if he doesn't do enough, you won't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The fact he has to earn sex is not going to bode well. That is like him saying I will do more aroung the house every time you have sex with me. Using sex to manipulate and get what you want isn't a healthy relationship.

You guys should work with someone if you want this to last. I think your wants are excessive and your holding sex over his head as something he only gets if he earns it is really nasty.

Sex should be someone you both want together. You ant him to spend money on you and give you time alone - both things that are only about you. But all he gets in return is you will allow him access to your body if he spends enough money and leaves you alone for enough hours

This is my take. There is nothing wrong about wanting date nights. DH and I make sure we have a couple a month. But something about the way the OP is written just makes me think this won't end well. Making stuff transactional like this just never seems like a good idea. He should want to have date nights and not just because he will get to have sex. And she should want to have sex without him spending money on her.

Agree with both these. But something about this thread and op's responses seems trollish, so I'm not going to give anymore thought to it.

I’m not a troll. I’m not the best at explaining myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The fact he has to earn sex is not going to bode well. That is like him saying I will do more aroung the house every time you have sex with me. Using sex to manipulate and get what you want isn't a healthy relationship.

You guys should work with someone if you want this to last. I think your wants are excessive and your holding sex over his head as something he only gets if he earns it is really nasty.

Sex should be someone you both want together. You ant him to spend money on you and give you time alone - both things that are only about you. But all he gets in return is you will allow him access to your body if he spends enough money and leaves you alone for enough hours

He doesn’t have to earn sex. I will have sex with him without a date nights. I always liked the experience and feel it’s extra special now that I don’t feel that great with my new body. It’s more the experience of getting all dressed up for me.

The me time is just really important.

I do want quality time with him. This doesn’t always include a date night. This includes just watching our shows together, a nice walk after dinner, cuddling in bed before sleep, etc.

You said he has to wine and dine you if he wants sex. That is earning sex. What are you giving him from all of this other than duty sex when he spent enough money on you? Seems it is just about your wants and not at all about him. I doubt he really wants your sex as payment back for the money he spends on you - but that is all you think he should get? He probably wants sex with a wife who is attracted to him and wants to have sex with him. Just like if he said you have to have enough sex with him to earn a dinner out - you aren't going to really enjoy that date night when you know he just did it as payment back to you for having sex with him.

I don’t think I’m explaining it well. The date nights are not just for sex. I want the date nights for the closeness and to feel like us again. I love him and feel incredibly attracted to him. He knows I find him attractive because I constantly tell him and show him. We are super affectionate with each other.

I will enjoy the date nights. Being able to dress up and feel a little like my old self. Enjoying the experience of just going out and being able to talk uninterrupted. Being able to spend time together just us while feeling sexy and like a real human is what I want.

I’ve felt very much unlike myself these past couple of months. My body changed and I just don’t feel sexy. I feel shuttered in. I want to feel like myself again.

THIS is what you need to tell him. Not ridiculous things about being wined and dined. The getting back to feeling like yourself....that's the stuff he needs to know.

[Anonymous]

Your last sentence asks if it is fair that he only gets more sex if he completes the list of your wants and wishes. That is pretty clear. You explained yourself well - others just don't think it is fair. You asked if that kind of only giving him more sex if he does everything you want and people said no - that is transactional and earning sex. It isn't that you aren't explaining yourself well, it is that people don't agree with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hubby and I have had a pretty strong and great marriage until our little tornado came and our marriage hit a pause. We are getting back into the swing of things and each created a list of wants and wishes. His list was more quality time and sex. Mine was quality time and alone time. I told him I’m more than willing to be more sexually available as long as I get one night a week and a chunk of the weekend as uninterrupted time. I also want date nights twice a month. I think my wants are very reasonable but hubby said twice a month date nights is a little excessive with us both being so busy. I told him the only way he gets a lot of sex is I feel wined and dined and dated. Fair??

Date night twice a month seems very reasonable. Is your DH worried about the expense of a sitter?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The fact he has to earn sex is not going to bode well. That is like him saying I will do more aroung the house every time you have sex with me. Using sex to manipulate and get what you want isn't a healthy relationship.

You guys should work with someone if you want this to last. I think your wants are excessive and your holding sex over his head as something he only gets if he earns it is really nasty.

Sex should be someone you both want together. You ant him to spend money on you and give you time alone - both things that are only about you. But all he gets in return is you will allow him access to your body if he spends enough money and leaves you alone for enough hours

This is my take. There is nothing wrong about wanting date nights. DH and I make sure we have a couple a month. But something about the way the OP is written just makes me think this won't end well. Making stuff transactional like this just never seems like a good idea. He should want to have date nights and not just because he will get to have sex. And she should want to have sex without him spending money on her.

Sorry if I’m not explaining it well. He doesn’t need to spend money to have sex. We have had a lot of sex before and some after baby that doesn’t involve date nights. I’m really craving that time together where I feel like ourselves. I don’t ever get dressed up now and I think getting dressed up and sexy for him will help with being in the mood. It’s not transactional. He doesn’t have to earn sex. I want this on top of giving him what he needs.

I think you're giving him a lot of confusing singles.

"I want sex". Ok...I want to be wined and dined. I want to dress up and dress sexy and all that twice a month. But no I don't actually need that to have sex. Even though I'm telling you that's what I need. .

I also need a day and a chunk of the weekend by myself without you and baby.

It's all a little confusing.

Sorry I’m all over the pain. I feel like my mind is overwhelmed these days.

Alone time: I don’t feel like I ever get alone time just by myself. I’m either working or tending to the baby or cooking and cleaning and spending time with hubby. I just want a good couple of hours to read a book or just relax by myself is read of always feeling like I’m needed.

Sex: We have had plenty of sex without date nights before baby. We have had sex 5 times since baby without date nights. We will continue to have sex without a date night.

Date night: I like the experience. He will get sex with it a date night, but I do enjoy the experience of a date night.

We feel like we are finally getting back to normal and voiced what we need. I’m happy to give him all the sex and quality time he needs to be satisfied, but I also want the alone time and date nights to also feel satisfied. I feel like I give and I give and just need to put my needs in front again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old is your child?

Do you already have an established babysitter?

He just turned 13 weeks. We have a weekly sitter while I work that can do date nights for us.

Oh you have a brand newborn baby. Of course that will make your marriage more challenging. I agree date nights are good, but otherwise you both need to majorly reduce your expectations. Give it until the baby is at least a year and then reassess.

He’s no longer a newborn. Cut off is 12 weeks. I don’t want to put my marriage to side for my child. Our marriage was there before him and will be there after him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hubby and I have had a pretty strong and great marriage until our little tornado came and our marriage hit a pause. We are getting back into the swing of things and each created a list of wants and wishes. His list was more quality time and sex. Mine was quality time and alone time. I told him I’m more than willing to be more sexually available as long as I get one night a week and a chunk of the weekend as uninterrupted time. I also want date nights twice a month. I think my wants are very reasonable but hubby said twice a month date nights is a little excessive with us both being so busy. I told him the only way he gets a lot of sex is I feel wined and dined and dated. Fair??

Date night twice a month seems very reasonable. Is your DH worried about the expense of a sitter?

No, we can afford the sitter. We are just both busy with work, the baby, the house, and we help out his elderly grandparents whenever we can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's fair. When you say "tornado" do you mean "affair"?

No. That’s or joke name for our baby.

Marriage was a bad idea and having a baby was even worse.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why not compromise? One month do one date night, then the next do two, then the third month do one, etc.

This is the answer right here, and if OP had said it at the time her husband started to balk at the date night requests, they'd be on their way to a different dynamic by now.

[Anonymous]

You need to approach this differently. I get where you're coming from now, but you started off sounding like you were coming from a totally different area.

You need to sit down with your husband and tell him you're struggling a bit with adjusting to this new life. That you feel like you have no time to yourself and you're always doing the things you listed. He needs to step up and you need to get some time off. You also need to talk to him about how you're feeling not that great about yourself and how you miss being able to go out and dress up and just feel good about yourself. These are all normal and common things, especially since it sounds like you work from home so you're even more isolated. That's what's really going on. Not this "wining and dining" BS.

Some of this will be solved by him stepping up more so you get some time for yourself. And you need to make time as a couple. But you need to also need to work on yourself to either join an activity or get together with friends. You can't rely on your husband to make you feel good about yourself or for your socialization needs. You should be able to get out and do things on your own. Get dressed up and go to dinner or a show with friends.

[Anonymous]

I told him the only way he gets a lot of sex is I feel wined and dined and dated. Fair??

So you want him to pay for sex with wine and dates? Because that's literally what you said, and most people don't consider that "fair" in the context of a marriage. You're welcome to set your standards/fees wherever/however you'd like, but you're getting the feedback you asked for.

Also? "feeling wined and dined" isn't a thing someone else does to/for you. If you need an escape from yourself or your perception of yourself, which is what that is, do that for yourself. If you were habitually a "wine, dine, have a good time" kind of person, you may need to learn how to have good sex as yourself instead of putting on a role or being tipsy/drunk. Learn how to romance yourself. You're responsible for your own pleasure. The request for time alone to cultivate this is reasonable. The dynamic of "the only way he gets a lot of sex is if he pays me in booze and dates"... isn't great.

[Anonymous]

I would compromise with one date night a month. Two is a lot when you're busy and need a sitter. You can always increase later. Personally the time alone woukd be more important to me.