How fair are my wants/wishes??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hubby and I have had a pretty strong and great marriage until our little tornado came and our marriage hit a pause. We are getting back into the swing of things and each created a list of wants and wishes. His list was more quality time and sex. Mine was quality time and alone time. I told him I’m more than willing to be more sexually available as long as I get one night a week and a chunk of the weekend as uninterrupted time. I also want date nights twice a month. I think my wants are very reasonable but hubby said twice a month date nights is a little excessive with us both being so busy. I told him the only way he gets a lot of sex is I feel wined and dined and dated. Fair??

That's not the only way. Other women may not have the same requirements.

Well, it's the only way for HER, and he's married to her, not other women.

Sometimes I really wonder about the people on this website.

I’m guessing her husband cheated and now she thinks all men cheat.

[Anonymous]

Is what you're looking for more emotional intimacy? I've never been a fan of the whole "wining and dining" mentality but I get the idea of needing date nights for the emotional intimacy. DH and I have a date at least once a month, more if we can make it work with our schedules. But we have "at home date nights" often. We get take out and a bottle of wine. Electronics go away. We just sit and talk, maybe play a game or do a puzzle. But we just spend the night focused on each other. So, if the wining and dining is more about the emotional intimacy side of things, that's always an option too

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old is your child?

Do you already have an established babysitter?

He just turned 13 weeks. We have a weekly sitter while I work that can do date nights for us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hubby and I have had a pretty strong and great marriage until our little tornado came and our marriage hit a pause. We are getting back into the swing of things and each created a list of wants and wishes. His list was more quality time and sex. Mine was quality time and alone time. I told him I’m more than willing to be more sexually available as long as I get one night a week and a chunk of the weekend as uninterrupted time. I also want date nights twice a month. I think my wants are very reasonable but hubby said twice a month date nights is a little excessive with us both being so busy. I told him the only way he gets a lot of sex is I feel wined and dined and dated. Fair??

That's not the only way. Other women may not have the same requirements.

Wellit's the only way for HER, and he's married to her, not other women.

Sometimes I really wonder about the people on this website.

Yes, that's the point. He doesn't have to have sex with her if others will give it to him without all the requirements. He also doesn't have to stay married to her. Just some things for OP to think about.

My husband is not going to end our marriage over this. Thanks for the laugh though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The fact he has to earn sex is not going to bode well. That is like him saying I will do more aroung the house every time you have sex with me. Using sex to manipulate and get what you want isn't a healthy relationship.

You guys should work with someone if you want this to last. I think your wants are excessive and your holding sex over his head as something he only gets if he earns it is really nasty.

Sex should be someone you both want together. You ant him to spend money on you and give you time alone - both things that are only about you. But all he gets in return is you will allow him access to your body if he spends enough money and leaves you alone for enough hours

This is my take. There is nothing wrong about wanting date nights. DH and I make sure we have a couple a month. But something about the way the OP is written just makes me think this won't end well. Making stuff transactional like this just never seems like a good idea. He should want to have date nights and not just because he will get to have sex. And she should want to have sex without him spending money on her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The fact he has to earn sex is not going to bode well. That is like him saying I will do more aroung the house every time you have sex with me. Using sex to manipulate and get what you want isn't a healthy relationship.

You guys should work with someone if you want this to last. I think your wants are excessive and your holding sex over his head as something he only gets if he earns it is really nasty.

Sex should be someone you both want together. You ant him to spend money on you and give you time alone - both things that are only about you. But all he gets in return is you will allow him access to your body if he spends enough money and leaves you alone for enough hours

He doesn’t have to earn sex. I will have sex with him without a date nights. I always liked the experience and feel it’s extra special now that I don’t feel that great with my new body. It’s more the experience of getting all dressed up for me.

The me time is just really important.

I do want quality time with him. This doesn’t always include a date night. This includes just watching our shows together, a nice walk after dinner, cuddling in bed before sleep, etc.

[Anonymous]

2 date nights a month is totally and completely reasonable.

Especially with ONE kid, one weekday evening and one chunk of a weekend day of alone time is also super reasonable. That may go down a bit if you have a second, particularly for the first few months.

I would just say that if you’re pushing for 100% of what you want, you should absolutely do 100% of what he wants. If he’s saying every other day sex, you should meet him on that. If you want him to compromise on sex frequency, you’re going to need to compromise on date nights.

Also - you prob need to do the leg work on the date nights (babysitter logistics, at least ideas for activities, reservations, etc)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think making it transactional isn't going to work.

Making it transactional worked great for us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The fact he has to earn sex is not going to bode well. That is like him saying I will do more aroung the house every time you have sex with me. Using sex to manipulate and get what you want isn't a healthy relationship.

You guys should work with someone if you want this to last. I think your wants are excessive and your holding sex over his head as something he only gets if he earns it is really nasty.

Sex should be someone you both want together. You ant him to spend money on you and give you time alone - both things that are only about you. But all he gets in return is you will allow him access to your body if he spends enough money and leaves you alone for enough hours

He doesn’t have to earn sex. I will have sex with him without a date nights. I always liked the experience and feel it’s extra special now that I don’t feel that great with my new body. It’s more the experience of getting all dressed up for me.

The me time is just really important.

I do want quality time with him. This doesn’t always include a date night. This includes just watching our shows together, a nice walk after dinner, cuddling in bed before sleep, etc.

You said he has to wine and dine you if he wants sex. That is earning sex. What are you giving him from all of this other than duty sex when he spent enough money on you? Seems it is just about your wants and not at all about him. I doubt he really wants your sex as payment back for the money he spends on you - but that is all you think he should get? He probably wants sex with a wife who is attracted to him and wants to have sex with him. Just like if he said you have to have enough sex with him to earn a dinner out - you aren't going to really enjoy that date night when you know he just did it as payment back to you for having sex with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is what you're looking for more emotional intimacy? I've never been a fan of the whole "wining and dining" mentality but I get the idea of needing date nights for the emotional intimacy. DH and I have a date at least once a month, more if we can make it work with our schedules. But we have "at home date nights" often. We get take out and a bottle of wine. Electronics go away. We just sit and talk, maybe play a game or do a puzzle. But we just spend the night focused on each other. So, if the wining and dining is more about the emotional intimacy side of things, that's always an option too

I do love emotional intimacy but I’ve always love the feeling of being wined and dined. Nothing fancy but the experience of getting dressed up and looking sexy for him, a glass of wine, and then sex. We obviously have had sex without this but I just love the experience. It’s even more important now that I don’t feel that comfortable with my new body. I think it will help me relax more and be in the mood.

We have been doing some date nights in but I feel so shut in. I work from home and don’t really ever get out much. Being able to go out and eat, a walk in the park, or go to see a movie is what I really want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The fact he has to earn sex is not going to bode well. That is like him saying I will do more aroung the house every time you have sex with me. Using sex to manipulate and get what you want isn't a healthy relationship.

You guys should work with someone if you want this to last. I think your wants are excessive and your holding sex over his head as something he only gets if he earns it is really nasty.

Sex should be someone you both want together. You ant him to spend money on you and give you time alone - both things that are only about you. But all he gets in return is you will allow him access to your body if he spends enough money and leaves you alone for enough hours

This is my take. There is nothing wrong about wanting date nights. DH and I make sure we have a couple a month. But something about the way the OP is written just makes me think this won't end well. Making stuff transactional like this just never seems like a good idea. He should want to have date nights and not just because he will get to have sex. And she should want to have sex without him spending money on her.

Agree with both these. But something about this thread and op's responses seems trollish, so I'm not going to give anymore thought to it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:2 date nights a month is totally and completely reasonable.

Especially with ONE kid, one weekday evening and one chunk of a weekend day of alone time is also super reasonable. That may go down a bit if you have a second, particularly for the first few months.

I would just say that if you’re pushing for 100% of what you want, you should absolutely do 100% of what he wants. If he’s saying every other day sex, you should meet him on that. If you want him to compromise on sex frequency, you’re going to need to compromise on date nights.

Also - you prob need to do the leg work on the date nights (babysitter logistics, at least ideas for activities, reservations, etc)

Oh and PP here to add - what we do is have both designated out of the house date nights, and designated inside the house date nights. Inside the house - no babysitter needed, but we only do the bare minimum of chores and otherwise spend it together - cuddling, watching TV, board games (we’re big board gamers so this is a big thing for us), sometimes sex. That’s a cheap and easy way to get quality time and having the designated night works really well. (For us it’s Monday night date night at home, every other Friday date night out)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The fact he has to earn sex is not going to bode well. That is like him saying I will do more aroung the house every time you have sex with me. Using sex to manipulate and get what you want isn't a healthy relationship.

You guys should work with someone if you want this to last. I think your wants are excessive and your holding sex over his head as something he only gets if he earns it is really nasty.

Sex should be someone you both want together. You ant him to spend money on you and give you time alone - both things that are only about you. But all he gets in return is you will allow him access to your body if he spends enough money and leaves you alone for enough hours

This is my take. There is nothing wrong about wanting date nights. DH and I make sure we have a couple a month. But something about the way the OP is written just makes me think this won't end well. Making stuff transactional like this just never seems like a good idea. He should want to have date nights and not just because he will get to have sex. And she should want to have sex without him spending money on her.

Sorry if I’m not explaining it well. He doesn’t need to spend money to have sex. We have had a lot of sex before and some after baby that doesn’t involve date nights. I’m really craving that time together where I feel like ourselves. I don’t ever get dressed up now and I think getting dressed up and sexy for him will help with being in the mood. It’s not transactional. He doesn’t have to earn sex. I want this on top of giving him what he needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's fair. When you say "tornado" do you mean "affair"?

No. That’s or joke name for our baby.

Marriage was a bad idea and having a baby was even worse.

We love being married and love our child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The fact he has to earn sex is not going to bode well. That is like him saying I will do more aroung the house every time you have sex with me. Using sex to manipulate and get what you want isn't a healthy relationship.

You guys should work with someone if you want this to last. I think your wants are excessive and your holding sex over his head as something he only gets if he earns it is really nasty.

Sex should be someone you both want together. You ant him to spend money on you and give you time alone - both things that are only about you. But all he gets in return is you will allow him access to your body if he spends enough money and leaves you alone for enough hours

This is my take. There is nothing wrong about wanting date nights. DH and I make sure we have a couple a month. But something about the way the OP is written just makes me think this won't end well. Making stuff transactional like this just never seems like a good idea. He should want to have date nights and not just because he will get to have sex. And she should want to have sex without him spending money on her.

Sorry if I’m not explaining it well. He doesn’t need to spend money to have sex. We have had a lot of sex before and some after baby that doesn’t involve date nights. I’m really craving that time together where I feel like ourselves. I don’t ever get dressed up now and I think getting dressed up and sexy for him will help with being in the mood. It’s not transactional. He doesn’t have to earn sex. I want this on top of giving him what he needs.

I think you're giving him a lot of confusing singles.

"I want sex". Ok...I want to be wined and dined. I want to dress up and dress sexy and all that twice a month. But no I don't actually need that to have sex. Even though I'm telling you that's what I need. .

I also need a day and a chunk of the weekend by myself without you and baby.

It's all a little confusing.