Should grandma go to birthday party or visit with newborn?

[Anonymous]

I'm confused.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - in response to 23:11

The ask came on the day of the birth - but child does not ask you to come that day but the following day, which falls on the other grandchild's birthday. Child is assuming that the answer will be yes to a visit at the requested time.

The child giving birth does not want to immediately have multiple visitors with the newborn due to concerns about illness, probably will be a few weeks before sibling and their family will meet them. Grandparent is the only one invited to meet them right now.

History: Two kids get along ok but are not particularly close. Can go months without talking, but haven't really argued. They haven't seen each other in person in a couple years but do a group FaceTime holidays. Their older kids have met once or twice.

The child with the birthday kid is more laid back and usually happy to go along for the sake of family harmony. Child giving birth tends to express preferences more forcefully and has at times cut off family members temporarily if they don't feel they are being treated appropriately.

My sister would pull a stunt like this, purposefully making a request that conflicts with a pre-arranged get together between my mother and my kids. She’s done this so many times, it’s manipulative and intentional.

I’m team birthday party here. I’m sorry the other DD gave birth early, but she should be grown up enough to understand that the grandmother can come one day later. GMAFB. Is this DD always like this? my guess is yes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Want to run this by the forum to see what you all think of this scenario. Imagine that you are a grandparent planning to visit one of your grandkids for a birthday - the visit was planned in advance, parents have made some preparations for this visit, it's on the child's actual birthday and there's a party/gathering with just the grandkids, their parents, and the grandparent. Small enough that your absence will be noticed by your kid and their spouse, but the birthday kid is young enough that they may not notice.

Your other child gives birth unexpectedly a couple weeks early and asks you to come visit - this falls on the day of the birthday party. You have been somewhat on bad terms with this child for a few months, but not "estranged" per se, just an argument. You wish to reconcile.
Do you go and visit the newborn, stick with birthday plans, or something else? Would be very difficult but not impossible to do both in one day - probably would be 6 hours of driving.

How do you communicate this with whichever child you're not going to see that day?
Both of the grandchildren are young enough that they won't care or remember, but it's more about your relationship with your two kids.
Flipping the scenario, would either child have the right to be put out if the grandparent can't visit, or is it reasonable to chalk it up to awkward timing and everyone lets it go?

How would past patterns of behavior from the grandparent affect your reacting in either child's position (i.e. cancelling past visits on holidays/important days due to circumstance not entirely within the grandparent's control)?

Sorry to be ambiguous to my role in this scenario, I want a completely unbiased reaction - I've tried to be objective.

You are the birthday parent. That’s clear!

Considering that birth is a major event, and the mother that gave birth can still die right after giving birth, I’d say that the birth takes precedent.

And it’s her daughter giving birth, not her daughter in law. So still your child takes precedent over your grandchild.

On top of that your kid won’t remember. You’ll get over it too once a few years pass.

Be generous in your heart.

Happy birthday to your kid!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd do the six hours of driving.

Grandma is at least 60. You want a 60 year old to go to one party, at least 1 he of driving, attend the party for a couple of hours, drive 6 hrs to get to the other daughter, stay with her at least 1 hr, and then what?

You are so cruel and have such unreasonable expectations from people. When was last time you did that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - in response to 23:11

The ask came on the day of the birth - but child does not ask you to come that day but the following day, which falls on the other grandchild's birthday. Child is assuming that the answer will be yes to a visit at the requested time.

The child giving birth does not want to immediately have multiple visitors with the newborn due to concerns about illness, probably will be a few weeks before sibling and their family will meet them. Grandparent is the only one invited to meet them right now.

History: Two kids get along ok but are not particularly close. Can go months without talking, but haven't really argued. They haven't seen each other in person in a couple years but do a group FaceTime holidays. Their older kids have met once or twice.

The child with the birthday kid is more laid back and usually happy to go along for the sake of family harmony. Child giving birth tends to express preferences more forcefully and has at times cut off family members temporarily if they don't feel they are being treated appropriately.

My sister would pull a stunt like this, purposefully making a request that conflicts with a pre-arranged get together between my mother and my kids. She’s done this so many times, it’s manipulative and intentional.

I’m team birthday party here. I’m sorry the other DD gave birth early, but she should be grown up enough to understand that the grandmother can come one day later. GMAFB. Is this DD always like this? my guess is yes.

SHE JUST GAVE BIRTH UNEXPECTEDLY EARLY. How selfish can you be?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - in response to 23:11

The ask came on the day of the birth - but child does not ask you to come that day but the following day, which falls on the other grandchild's birthday. Child is assuming that the answer will be yes to a visit at the requested time.

The child giving birth does not want to immediately have multiple visitors with the newborn due to concerns about illness, probably will be a few weeks before sibling and their family will meet them. Grandparent is the only one invited to meet them right now.

History: Two kids get along ok but are not particularly close. Can go months without talking, but haven't really argued. They haven't seen each other in person in a couple years but do a group FaceTime holidays. Their older kids have met once or twice.

The child with the birthday kid is more laid back and usually happy to go along for the sake of family harmony. Child giving birth tends to express preferences more forcefully and has at times cut off family members temporarily if they don't feel they are being treated appropriately.

My sister would pull a stunt like this, purposefully making a request that conflicts with a pre-arranged get together between my mother and my kids. She’s done this so many times, it’s manipulative and intentional.

I’m team birthday party here. I’m sorry the other DD gave birth early, but she should be grown up enough to understand that the grandmother can come one day later. GMAFB. Is this DD always like this? my guess is yes.

Giving birth earlier than expected is not a “stunt,” you selfish moron.

[Anonymous]

I understand about giving birth early but most likely she also knew there sibling was having a birthday party for there niece/nephew and syill asked you to visit that day making ypu choose. I would assume child specifically asked you to visit that day to stick it to sibling to show who you care about more if you didn't attend the party.

Your screwed either way nomatter what you choose to do. One child will be disappointed.

As for the poster who said you could die after childbirth and use that as an excuse is silly as the child having the party could also die from an accident.

[Anonymous]

You committed to party. New baby visit has to wait.

If you do the opposite it’s absolutely going to cause some slight rif between those two families.

[Anonymous]

How is the is a question
The newborn will be there another day

You made a commitment OP stop being ridiculous


If this is the only day you can visit the newborn then don’t because that’s not a relationship that’s a manipulation

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - in response to 23:11

The ask came on the day of the birth - but child does not ask you to come that day but the following day, which falls on the other grandchild's birthday. Child is assuming that the answer will be yes to a visit at the requested time.

The child giving birth does not want to immediately have multiple visitors with the newborn due to concerns about illness, probably will be a few weeks before sibling and their family will meet them. Grandparent is the only one invited to meet them right now.

History: Two kids get along ok but are not particularly close. Can go months without talking, but haven't really argued. They haven't seen each other in person in a couple years but do a group FaceTime holidays. Their older kids have met once or twice.

The child with the birthday kid is more laid back and usually happy to go along for the sake of family harmony. Child giving birth tends to express preferences more forcefully and has at times cut off family members temporarily if they don't feel they are being treated appropriately.

My sister would pull a stunt like this, purposefully making a request that conflicts with a pre-arranged get together between my mother and my kids. She’s done this so many times, it’s manipulative and intentional.

I’m team birthday party here. I’m sorry the other DD gave birth early, but she should be grown up enough to understand that the grandmother can come one day later. GMAFB. Is this DD always like this? my guess is yes.

Giving birth earlier than expected is not a “stunt,” you selfish moron.

Lovely. My sister has entered the chat.

[Anonymous]

I would definitely visit both. My birthday grandchild will remember the moments shared with his/her grandparents. Time flies and we need to squeeze every single precious moment.

[Anonymous]

Stay the night before near new grandbaby, do earliest visit as possible, bring gifts for both then drive to party!
This is safer too because you could be exposed more germs if you are around so many people before visiting baby.
If lunch party then go there first drop off gift then leave early, NBD.
Go visit baby...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - in response to 23:11

The ask came on the day of the birth - but child does not ask you to come that day but the following day, which falls on the other grandchild's birthday. Child is assuming that the answer will be yes to a visit at the requested time.

The child giving birth does not want to immediately have multiple visitors with the newborn due to concerns about illness, probably will be a few weeks before sibling and their family will meet them. Grandparent is the only one invited to meet them right now.

History: Two kids get along ok but are not particularly close. Can go months without talking, but haven't really argued. They haven't seen each other in person in a couple years but do a group FaceTime holidays. Their older kids have met once or twice.

The child with the birthday kid is more laid back and usually happy to go along for the sake of family harmony. Child giving birth tends to express preferences more forcefully and has at times cut off family members temporarily if they don't feel they are being treated appropriately.

My sister would pull a stunt like this, purposefully making a request that conflicts with a pre-arranged get together between my mother and my kids. She’s done this so many times, it’s manipulative and intentional.

I’m team birthday party here. I’m sorry the other DD gave birth early, but she should be grown up enough to understand that the grandmother can come one day later. GMAFB. Is this DD always like this? my guess is yes.

I have a sibling as such.
It’s absolutely draining.

We absolutely ignor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stay the night before near new grandbaby, do earliest visit as possible, bring gifts for both then drive to party!
This is safer too because you could be exposed more germs if you are around so many people before visiting baby.
If lunch party then go there first drop off gift then leave early, NBD.
Go visit baby...

+1
Was just going to post this. If the visit with the newborn is just a “visit” you do that first, before seeing a bunch of other people. Then go visit the birthday kid. Even if you miss the actual party, you can spend time with them later in the day or the following day.

If the new mom actually needs support for several days, then go to the birthday party first.

Either way, figure out how to do both. Both sisters need to realize that both events are important and grandma will do her best to support both daughters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How is the is a question
The newborn will be there another day

You made a commitment OP stop being ridiculous


If this is the only day you can visit the newborn then don’t because that’s not a relationship that’s a manipulation

This is my read as well. OP seems to not want to answer questions which would clarify. That is, is newborn baby in hospital, or at home with the new mom? Is this a first baby for this mom, and is the mom at home with a partner who can help?

I would kindly explain that I can’t come on that day but will be there the next, and will help out etc. I am done with being manipulated by people, and this sounds just like that to me with conflicting demands. One kid has been on good terms with you and is a reasonable human- respect how wonderful that is, and prioritize them.