Reply to Why do people blame their siblings over parental favoritism? What is the appropriate response?

Forum Index » Family Relationships

Reply to "Why do people blame their siblings over parental favoritism? What is the appropriate response?"

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][b]It's very hard for a child to blame a parent for this type of dysfunctional behavior. [/b]First of all, we are all basically biologically programmed to not bite the hand that feeds us out of survival. Second, if your sisters as children were able to directly hold your parents responsible, it would mean accepting at a very deep level that the parents do/did love you more than your sisters. That's a painful thing to accept, even as an adult.

If your parents favored you, they taught you/your sisters that parental love is a finite resource and something to compete over. This has likely affected your worldview in many ways.

Dysfunctional families create so many really deep seated dynamics that can be hard to untangle. "Siblings Without Rivalry" is a parenting book but it helped me understand some of the dynamics in my family of origin. You would probably need to read specifically about dysfunctional families if you really want to dig deeper and understand those dynamics.

Honestly, it seems a bit that your response glosses over the situation with "well, I was just an easier kid" but that doesn't really explain why your sisters both felt less-than in your parents' eyes. It actually feels a bit like you are doing the same thing you say your sisters are doing ... you are blaming the sisters instead of looking at how truly and deeply messed up it is for a parent to favor one sibling over the others. Do you see how you are also giving your parents a pass for their behavior? [/quote]

I totally blame my mom for all this behavior.  I didn't as a child, but as an adult I hold her 80% accountable.  Everyone else shares the remaining 20% blame in my mind.

And I totally agree with you that OP's glossing over being the easier child is false.  It's probably part of the family dysfunction.  I was actually the easiest child, never in trouble, excelled at everything and it made my parent jealous and put me down all the time.  Our family dysfunction is to trash any of my accomplishments as if I didn't earn them and just got lucky.  The golden child's accomplishments are held on a pedestal, even if they really belong to someone else.[/quote]

All of this. Being the ignored child means being the EASIEST child. That was me. My brothers were constantly getting into trouble and getting bailed out, my sister was the golden child who was given all the positive attention, and my job was to have no problems or needs. I got good grades, was incredibly self-sufficient, and kept to myself. I only discovered as an adult what the total lack of parental attention or guidance did to me. I have struggled intensely with self worth issues as an adult. I think I did okay as long as I was still in school because there are built in methods of validation when you are in school -- I worked for good grades, teacher praise, and towards degrees. Once that scaffolding went away though, I was totally lost. I'm in my 40s now and still often plagued with the feeling that I have no value and no one cares about me. I have done years of therapy to address negative self talk but I still struggle with it when I'm tired or stressed. A few years back I had a conflict with a friend and she lashed out at me by saying things like "no one cares about you" and "you just don't get how unimportant you are." It was a very dark time for me and I started having suicidal ideation because I felt like she was confirming what I'd been taught since I was a baby by my family -- that I don't matter and have no value.

[b]I get that feeling blamed or resented by a sibling must be hard but I really just cannot communicate how dark it is to grow up as the child who has no role, no value, is not allowed to expect attention or help of any kind. And then to have to try and scaffold up some kind of self worth for yourself, on your own, as an adult? It's so hard. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.[/b][/quote]

This is the story of my life too.  I'm very successful and constantly seek external validation.  I feel invisible most of the time and when I'm in a good place and not considering suicide, I actually wish I'd never been born.  I recently told my sister I'm sure I won't go to hell; I'm already here. [/quote]

If you are still reading, place pick up the book "Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving" by Pete Walker. It may help you; it helped me. [/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics