Parents of boys who became incels

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:18:17 again.

There's an article in the NYT today about the childhoods of two young adults who nearly participated in a synagogue mass shooting. It really resonated with me, because the article clearly lays out the multiple disorders that these kids showed as children. Anger management problems, impulsivity, lack of socio-emotional development. It's all ADHD/ASD profiles with explosive anger issues mixed in, or schizophrenia. I am persuaded that "incels" are boys whose psychological disorders were never treated, or who could not be successfully treated, despite all efforts.

My son has never had anger issues, which is atypical for his profile. So I'm not too concerned with him becoming a violent incel. But he has a higher risk than a neurotypical person of becoming a cloistered individual who never socializes and becomes bitter and jaded.

Link?

PP you replied to. here's a gift article:
https://www.nytimes.com/2025/03/23/nyregion/synagogue-shooting-plot.html?unlocked_article_code=1.6U4.P7Ca.wHyFQJQARP8P&smid=url-share

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They need to know that they matter. They need to contribute to the household by doing chores, be involved in volunteer work with the family, get a job when old enough, be part of something. For lots of boys that can be a sports team but it can be any place the boy is recognized as a valuable contributor.

Part of that can include recognizing and reinforcing their strengths. That TV show highlighted that the boy and dad kept trying to find sports he was good at and the dad was ashamed of him for not being good at sports. Then the boy found that he was good at drawing but they didn't encourage that. He dropped it as he got sucked into computer/social media/games. What might have been the outcome if he got more recognition of his artistic ability, the parents helped him find art classes outside of school, he got to make drawings for the school newspaper, etc.

The book "Never Enough" really focuses on this concept of mattering (for both girls and boys)
https://www.thematteringmovement.com/

This is good advice. I would add, they need to learn to fail, apologize, and not get picked, without it being a crisis. Part of that is experience (letting them fail) but a lot of it is letting them see you fail, and maing sure they see you apologize. And telling them stories about times you were wrong or embarrassed. I learned so much from my dad talking about his own screw-ups, and the ways he hurt people's feelings and they hurt his feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Boys need
A mom at home.
Almost zero screen time.
Male and female friends, in real life.
A good education, either at home or in a private school.
Lots of fresh air every day.

If you're not doing that, you're gonna have a bad time. Bottom line.

I found the right wing incel. Be for real. Mom at home isn't happening in this economy. Public schools have better educated teachers than private schools that require minimal education and training.

I want responses from real people who live in the real world.

I know. Public schools have been doing a great job.

Sarcasm aside, your Mom at home is impossible remark is a myth. My family does it on low six-figures, but I know families that do it with Dad earning anywhere between 75k and 600k. Just scale your lifestyle, prioritize the important things first.

I’m a single mom with full custody. Dads choice. What am I supposed to do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Boys need
A mom at home.
Almost zero screen time.
Male and female friends, in real life.
A good education, either at home or in a private school.
Lots of fresh air every day.

If you're not doing that, you're gonna have a bad time. Bottom line.

I found the right wing incel. Be for real. Mom at home isn't happening in this economy. Public schools have better educated teachers than private schools that require minimal education and training.

I want responses from real people who live in the real world.

I know. Public schools have been doing a great job.

Sarcasm aside, your Mom at home is impossible remark is a myth. My family does it on low six-figures, but I know families that do it with Dad earning anywhere between 75k and 600k. Just scale your lifestyle, prioritize the important things first.

I’m a single mom with full custody. Dads choice. What am I supposed to do?

I sympathize. I don't know. People up-thread accuse me of being anti-woman for some reason, but the opposite is true. Our divorce laws are immoral and he should be required to support you in a fashion that does not require you to re-enter the workforce if you don't want to. That would be a major deterrent to this kind of situation, obviously.

If your situation happened to my daughter, I would give her reign of our house and my wife and I would move in to the studio apt above our garage. Do you have parents or relatives who could help like that?

[Anonymous]

I raised a son by myself. He's the opposite of anti-women. His father is has been MIA for most of his life. My DS is caring and thoughtful and generally appreciates everything he has.

I just finished watching the show and those parents did nothing wrong. The boy seemed to lack empathy but masked it well. That plus his temper is what did him in. Add in bullying and you've got a perfect storm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I raised a son by myself. He's the opposite of anti-women. His father is has been MIA for most of his life. My DS is caring and thoughtful and generally appreciates everything he has.

I just finished watching the show and those parents did nothing wrong. The boy seemed to lack empathy but masked it well. That plus his temper is what did him in. Add in bullying and you've got a perfect storm.

Single mom who posted above, asking you to please share your tips and tricks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Boys need
A mom at home.
Almost zero screen time.
Male and female friends, in real life.
A good education, either at home or in a private school.
Lots of fresh air every day.

If you're not doing that, you're gonna have a bad time. Bottom line.

I found the right wing incel. Be for real. Mom at home isn't happening in this economy. Public schools have better educated teachers than private schools that require minimal education and training.

I want responses from real people who live in the real world.

I know. Public schools have been doing a great job.

Sarcasm aside, your Mom at home is impossible remark is a myth. My family does it on low six-figures, but I know families that do it with Dad earning anywhere between 75k and 600k. Just scale your lifestyle, prioritize the important things first.

I’m a single mom with full custody. Dads choice. What am I supposed to do?

I sympathize. I don't know. People up-thread accuse me of being anti-woman for some reason, but the opposite is true. Our divorce laws are immoral and he should be required to support you in a fashion that does not require you to re-enter the workforce if you don't want to. That would be a major deterrent to this kind of situation, obviously.

If your situation happened to my daughter, I would give her reign of our house and my wife and I would move in to the studio apt above our garage. Do you have parents or relatives who could help like that?

Look you have to know this isn’t realistic for most people. Most men don’t make enough to fully support two households and not everyone makes enough to support their adult daughter and her children, with a house set up to facilitate that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I raised a son by myself. He's the opposite of anti-women. His father is has been MIA for most of his life. My DS is caring and thoughtful and generally appreciates everything he has.

I just finished watching the show and those parents did nothing wrong. The boy seemed to lack empathy but masked it well. That plus his temper is what did him in. Add in bullying and you've got a perfect storm.

Single mom who posted above, asking you to please share your tips and tricks.

I think I would advise you to focus on raising a decent person. If my son was sad, he cried and nobody told him to stop crying or stop being a sissy. He heard me explain my feelings and it was normal to do so. I didn't make him do sports just because everyone else did. He did do an individual sport for years but when he wanted to quit, I supported that decision. I didn't get him a phone/iPad, etc until he was 13. It was mostly because I couldn't afford it but he also had no need for one. I took it away when I saw fit to do so. He had consequences for his behavior. He had regular chores from the time he was little. Laundry at age 8-9, emptying the dishwasher, vacuuming, etc. He worked from the time he was 16. He saved his money to buy what he wanted (gaming computer, car insurance, etc).

[Anonymous]

Don’t get divorced and the likelihood drops like 90% but no one wants to hear that

[Anonymous]

I don't care what they showed in Adolescence incels come from incels. This not some - oh didn't see that coming sort of thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don’t get divorced and the likelihood drops like 90% but no one wants to hear that

Divorce likely comes from the Dad being an incel or having traits like one.

[Anonymous]

I don’t you any of you have a grasp on what an incel is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t get divorced and the likelihood drops like 90% but no one wants to hear that

Divorce likely comes from the Dad being an incel or having traits like one.

Lol

[Anonymous]

It's a problem that the entire discussion in this thread is premised on an assumption that boys are almost inherently at risk of going off the rails and becoming bad. That assumption, which unfortunately has becoming deeply rooted in culture and especially in schools due to liberal political preferences, is the key driver for the problem you are worried about. Right now, girls are boosted and treated like the future at every turn, even in implausible situations. Look at the Super Bowl ads for one example, where, among other things, there was an ad where a minority female implausibly bested the entire men's football team (who were portrayed as hateful ogres throughout). Until you all learn to respect and value boys, expect bad results. Toxic femininity is real and a problem.

[Anonymous]

https://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/netflix-adolescence-teenagers-andrew-tate-manosphere-misogyny-b2720293.html

This article shares kids' perspectives on the issue. Touches on a lot of the same things mentioned in this thread (except at home parents)