Parents of boys who became incels

[Anonymous]

I have a 13 year old DS who I love dearly. I worry all the time about the world he is growing up in. We keep close tabs on friends and online activity but I really worry that he is going to be influenced by terrible outside sources one way or the other. I can't be everywhere and he needs to grow up with some freedom and self autonomy. But I worry.

Parents who had boys who became incels or failed to launch. Were there signs that you missed? Were you able to intervene? Did they come out of it and change? What would you do differently?

[Anonymous]

Boys need
A mom at home.
Almost zero screen time.
Male and female friends, in real life.
A good education, either at home or in a private school.
Lots of fresh air every day.

If you're not doing that, you're gonna have a bad time. Bottom line.

[Anonymous]

Teach kindness and empathy and generosity. Teach him to manage feelings of anger. Give him a pathway to financial success that doesn’t involve greed or stepping on others to get ahead. Teach him that being a man is not about being tough or aggressive.

[Anonymous]

Have you wanted the show Adolescence on Netflix? I assume that's where this is coming from.

I think that was a very specific situation, and nothing the parents did or didn't do caused it. They should have better addressed his anger and control; but I don't believe from that fictionalized case that being an incel was caused by his parents.

For my son's, they see a respectful household. We respect all people and their boundaries. More rights for women and equality for all races, genders, sexual orientations does not mean less rights for straight, biological males. That respect goes both ways. They see kindness in action and verbalized.

[Anonymous]

I would be more concerned about the nuances they pick up in the manosphere, rather than your kid being an actual incel.

[Anonymous]

I have one family friend who has a son who became a bit of an incel. Or at least I think what OP is talking about. His parents were VERY controlling. He grew up sheltered (wasn't allowed to ride the bus not only to school but also to high school sports games because mom didn't want him hearing boy talk). She was proud of how naive she kept him. Well, he went off to college and went a bit crazy with his freedom, but he didn't have the social skills to match with the freedom he wanted. He turned bitter and angry and when I first saw him his summer after freshman year (we are only 5 years apart) , it was a little scary how angry he was at everyone (especially women) for how his life was going. There was NO self accountability. I know that goes beyond incel but....yikes. I don't know what has happened to him since. There was an incident the following year and my family and most people that I'm still in contact with from that part of my life are no longer in contact with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Boys need
A mom at home.
Almost zero screen time.
Male and female friends, in real life.
A good education, either at home or in a private school.
Lots of fresh air every day.

If you're not doing that, you're gonna have a bad time. Bottom line.

My husband is a former incel. Growing up , he lacked all of the above and it made him angry and stuck in that failure to launch way. Pp 's list is really a good one. Dh is now 43 happily married because of handsome and smart and was able to grow out of the awful home life. But as a young man missing 100% of pp's list , he was an incel. The environmental part is clear as day for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Boys need
A mom at home.
Almost zero screen time.
Male and female friends, in real life.
A good education, either at home or in a private school.
Lots of fresh air every day.

If you're not doing that, you're gonna have a bad time. Bottom line.

I found the right wing incel. Be for real. Mom at home isn't happening in this economy. Public schools have better educated teachers than private schools that require minimal education and training.

I want responses from real people who live in the real world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you wanted the show Adolescence on Netflix? I assume that's where this is coming from.

I think that was a very specific situation, and nothing the parents did or didn't do caused it. They should have better addressed his anger and control; but I don't believe from that fictionalized case that being an incel was caused by his parents.

For my son's, they see a respectful household. We respect all people and their boundaries. More rights for women and equality for all races, genders, sexual orientations does not mean less rights for straight, biological males. That respect goes both ways. They see kindness in action and verbalized.

Yes, Adolescence scared me and has been on my mind all day. I worry for my son but really all boys that are this influential stage. The internet is full of terrible people. Thank you for your response.

[Anonymous]

Make sure your kid doesn't have a sense of entitlement, at all.

You can't be an incel if you don't think you're entitled to anything (including friendship) just because you want it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Boys need
A mom at home.
Almost zero screen time.
Male and female friends, in real life.
A good education, either at home or in a private school.
Lots of fresh air every day.

If you're not doing that, you're gonna have a bad time. Bottom line.

STFU. Seriously.

Yeah, I'm wrong. F around and find out, I guess.

[Anonymous]

They need to know that they matter. They need to contribute to the household by doing chores, be involved in volunteer work with the family, get a job when old enough, be part of something. For lots of boys that can be a sports team but it can be any place the boy is recognized as a valuable contributor.

Part of that can include recognizing and reinforcing their strengths. That TV show highlighted that the boy and dad kept trying to find sports he was good at and the dad was ashamed of him for not being good at sports. Then the boy found that he was good at drawing but they didn't encourage that. He dropped it as he got sucked into computer/social media/games. What might have been the outcome if he got more recognition of his artistic ability, the parents helped him find art classes outside of school, he got to make drawings for the school newspaper, etc.

The book "Never Enough" really focuses on this concept of mattering (for both girls and boys)
https://www.thematteringmovement.com/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Boys need
A mom at home.
Almost zero screen time.
Male and female friends, in real life.
A good education, either at home or in a private school.
Lots of fresh air every day.

If you're not doing that, you're gonna have a bad time. Bottom line.

I found the right wing incel. Be for real. Mom at home isn't happening in this economy. Public schools have better educated teachers than private schools that require minimal education and training.

I want responses from real people who live in the real world.

I know. Public schools have been doing a great job.

Sarcasm aside, your Mom at home is impossible remark is a myth. My family does it on low six-figures, but I know families that do it with Dad earning anywhere between 75k and 600k. Just scale your lifestyle, prioritize the important things first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Boys need
A mom at home.
Almost zero screen time.
Male and female friends, in real life.
A good education, either at home or in a private school.
Lots of fresh air every day.

If you're not doing that, you're gonna have a bad time. Bottom line.

I found the right wing incel. Be for real. Mom at home isn't happening in this economy. Public schools have better educated teachers than private schools that require minimal education and training.

I want responses from real people who live in the real world.

I know. Public schools have been doing a great job.

Sarcasm aside, your Mom at home is impossible remark is a myth. My family does it on low six-figures, but I know families that do it with Dad earning anywhere between 75k and 600k. Just scale your lifestyle, prioritize the important things first.

Yeah no. I'm not putting this on women and moms. Dads need to step up. If you had said a parent at home, I might have
considered your point of view. But you i specifically singling out moms and by extension women, no I don't take you seriously. Why can't a father stay at him? What if the woman earns more and it's in the family's interest for her to keep her job.

YOU sound like the incel.

[Anonymous]

Exposure to diversity of people and open minded and not rigid or orthodox thinking helps reduce entitlement aspect.