Anyone else not proud of their adult child?

[Anonymous]

What would be an example of something she could be doing that you’d be proud of , OP?

[Anonymous]

It sounds like this kid was thrown Adderall, but never accompanied in their growth: they never learned study skills, or delayed gratification, or any kind of stamina or resilience.

Where do you think kids get those skills, OP?

Their parents.

If you sat down with her after school, and coached her to improve executive function and academics, or hired EF coaches and tutors for years, then I have nothing to reproach you with.

But if you thought meds would do the work for you, not quite. Medication focuses the brain so that it can be receptive to the influences you want. BUT THEN YOU NEED TO PROVIDE THE INFLUENCE, otherwise the kid will just focus on their social media instead of handing in their homework

It's not too late, OP, but you'll need a plan with carrot and stick.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're lucky she's not a deadbeat.

If she's responsible, ask her to take on more chores to help her prepare for solo living.

Did she like the college and fail out? Or was she unhappy and left?

I don't think today's society does a great job at helping people figure out what is meaningful in life.

Remember that for most of human history, your daughter's role would have been wife, mother, homemaker. However you feel about that, those roles are more intuitive than a modern career path.

DP

She is a deadbeat, failure to launch, whatever you want to call it.

It's not society's job to help her figure out a meaningful life. It's literally her parent's and her responsibility.

OP , you need to ask her to support herself of she is not meeting your requirements. I.e, if you don't work towards a career, I'm not paying for living expenses, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound awful

Awful for judging, without understanding her child could have a condition for which a patient needs accompaniment to get diagnosed and treated. And no, suggesting therapy is NOT the right start for this conversation. When someone is not functional, they need a physical check-up, then a psychology check-up. The therapy has to be tailored to the diagnosis, so you need the diagnosis first.

I feel so sad whenever children don't get the support they need from their parents. It's not like your child is a violent and aggressive patient who hits their parents and siblings. There are some tragic cases where parents cannot help their child, even if they want to.

But OP can, and she doesn't. It's a shame.

OP might also have untreated conditions that prevent her from seeing these things in her daughter. Afterall, a good chunk of our generation grew up without diagnoses or any kind of help or recognition that things might be difficult for them. Then they became parents, but are somehow magically supposed to be able to help and support their kids in ways they never received support or in areas they didn’t know existed. Lemme guess - it’s all the mom’s fault too.

[Anonymous]

So, a part time job and 2 classes is not enough? That’s how I got through grad school. Or maybe it sounds like you’re objecting to how she uses her free time? If she had a full-time job and lived alone then she would probably scroll through TikTok at home after work. At least she’s pursuing college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does she have a passion for anything?

Bump

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: Overwhelmed in college and inattention to daily tasks?

That stinks to high heaven of untreated inattentive ADHD…

You should get her evaluated. ADHD is the mental health disorder that’s easiest to medicate. She could go back to school, potentially. It would greatly improve her financial outlook.

This

And get her an exec functioning coach and a career coach.

She needs to make some goals and plans towards said goals.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, op WOW. What have you done to encourage her to grow instead of just judging her?

When will she be finished with college?

Didn’t she drop out after one year?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Just wow.

OP you could maybe help by getting her evaluated for ADHD but otherwise keep your judgment and disdain to yourself.

It’s ok to be disappointed at disappointments!

Ultimately Op will have to detach from her expectations that her daughter will graduate college or build a career. Many of us have had to do that for one or more children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As long as she is cute, then she can find a man, and she will be his problem soon enough.

WTF

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Original poster here. Do I really sound toxic? In my daughters 21 years I have only encouraged her, get help for her (she does have adhd and takes adderall), and help her pursue any interest she has had, ultimately is now doing nothing except for scrolling on TikTok between school (her two cc classes) and part time work, and like I said the occasional helping out. Seriously, is this considered ok? Like leave her alone and let her just sit in her room between school and work?

Of course I have tried suggesting therapy, a coach or something to help her. I don’t do that anymore, because I don’t want to nag her and she knows that if she wants some help, she can just ask and I’ll help her find it.

What does the father think or say about this all? Is he a positive influence or a negative one or simply absent/not care?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband.

He cannot accept that one of his children has low processing speed with no social initiative: DS has an ADHD and ASD diagnosis, and learning disabilities, but what's really noticeable is the slowness of his thinking in daily interactions and lack of observation or participation in anything social. DS needed accommodations in K-12 and still receives accommodations in college.

Unless it's a greeting, every interaction with our 19 year old son ends with my husband disparaging him in an irritated tone of voice. I find it incredibly sad and disrespectful that my husband behaves in this way. It's been like this since my son was a preschooler, and it became apparent that he had delays and would never be quite "normal".

My son has actually had incredible academic success despite his disabilities. My husband somehow credits "his" parenting and tutoring, and forgets that his son did all the work. DS is asocial, easily fatigued, and never initiates any chore or any social act. But he always does what he's asked to do, and that is a mark of goodwill and good nature that I value, unlike my husband. I can count on the fingers of one hand the number of times my son has had a tantrum, in all his 19 years of life. He's an exceptionally calm and compliant person.

Your daughter has inherited a genetic combination which has molded her personality, OP. I'm not going to speculate on whether she could be subclinical or clinical for certain diagnoses. What matters is that you respect her for who she is and accept that she needs time to come into her own, whatever "her own" may be.

I would divorce my husband over this. Does he lack all self awareness and basic knowledge about how his behavior impacts your son? How can you stay with him? I'd have zero respect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t see what being extroverted vs. introverted has to do with anything. That seems like a personal preference on your part.

But yeah. Honestly, I would probably be disappointed and frustrated if this was what my kid was doing but ONLY because she was a very strong student in high school and now early college. If she’d always struggled academically, it wouldn’t be a surprise and I’d probably have already had some other suggestions up my sleeve. Was she a strong student academically and something happened that changed it?

If so, I’d probably see what was going on. But it kind of doesn’t sound like that. It sounds like your kid doesn’t really know what she wants to do. I don’t think I really knew what I wanted to do at 21 (still don’t really) so it’s all about helping her get options.

Is she open to accepting help from you? If so, I wonder if a trade is more something she’d want. Or maybe some internships. Things to get her to think about her future. But if she’s not open then there isn’t much you can do. Certainly there’s nothing wrong with leading an honest life paying your bills. I can understand wanting more for you kid, especially depending on your own background, but people do have their own personalities.

It sounds to me just from what you’ve said that it’s a combo of immaturity and not being into school. So I’d try to give her some experiences to build on as she gets a little older.

Op here and I love this. Suggestions as to what experiences she can build on would be?

I’m the PP who responded to you. I’m not really sure because they would be so related to her. I have a close friend who did some farming internship in Thailand after college. He basically lived on farms for like 6 months and worked there for room and board. I’m not suggesting that—just that I’m sure there are so many things out in this world she could experience. But she’d have to have SOME interest, which I guess is part of the problem? I have a friend who worked on a cruise ship. One who worked on a ranch. If she does have an interest in any particular career, see what opportunities are available for her to work in it—even as a receptionist.

You said she knows she can ask for help and you don’t want to nag. But if you’re feeling this disappointed and she really is kind of lost, I think it’s time to say some things need to change but I’m going to help. I don’t have personal experience with ADHD but maybe the posters are right that it’s not being managed well.

[Anonymous]

She probably has some anxiety along with ADHD. It sounds to me like she needs support, scaffolding, and encouragement around that. She’s going to school and working, why not be proud of that? As for scrolling TikTok, if she’s really spending a ton of time she’s probably trying to soothe herself. Don’t compare her to her sibling. There is nothing wrong with being an introvert.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a daughter who is 21. She left a good college after one year because she was overwhelmed and could not keep up. She has always done things half assed, and barely gets by. Since leaving college 18 months ago, she has gone to community college and done average there, work a job at a coffee shop and that’s pretty much it. Nothing else. She is sweet and cute but has no friends because it’s hard to meet people. She did have a boyfriend, but they just broke up so now she truly has no one. But she doesn’t try either. She just never seems to do anything that makes me proud. The best thing she does is take out the trash and empty the dishwasher without being asked. I feel that age 21 she should be doing a bit more. I was just out with my friend who says, well she’s doing the minimum of staying out of trouble working and going to school. And she doesn’t do drugs or alcohol and isn’t a problem. I just don’t see much adulting going on and I’m a little worried that this is going to be her whole story in life. I just can’t say I’m proud of her, like my other daughter who works really hard and is outgoing and tries to meet people. Am I being impatient? Does anyone have any advice? She is only 21, but both me and my partner say how we just don’t see change since she left school.

Relax. Encourage. Pay for career counseling.