Anyone else not proud of their adult child?
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Anonymous
| I have a daughter who is 21. She left a good college after one year because she was overwhelmed and could not keep up. She has always done things half assed, and barely gets by. Since leaving college 18 months ago, she has gone to community college and done average there, work a job at a coffee shop and that’s pretty much it. Nothing else. She is sweet and cute but has no friends because it’s hard to meet people. She did have a boyfriend, but they just broke up so now she truly has no one. But she doesn’t try either. She just never seems to do anything that makes me proud. The best thing she does is take out the trash and empty the dishwasher without being asked. I feel that age 21 she should be doing a bit more. I was just out with my friend who says, well she’s doing the minimum of staying out of trouble working and going to school. And she doesn’t do drugs or alcohol and isn’t a problem. I just don’t see much adulting going on and I’m a little worried that this is going to be her whole story in life. I just can’t say I’m proud of her, like my other daughter who works really hard and is outgoing and tries to meet people. Am I being impatient? Does anyone have any advice? She is only 21, but both me and my partner say how we just don’t see change since she left school. |
Anonymous
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You're lucky she's not a deadbeat.
If she's responsible, ask her to take on more chores to help her prepare for solo living. Did she like the college and fail out? Or was she unhappy and left? I don't think today's society does a great job at helping people figure out what is meaningful in life. Remember that for most of human history, your daughter's role would have been wife, mother, homemaker. However you feel about that, those roles are more intuitive than a modern career path. |
Anonymous
| Does she have a passion for anything? |
Anonymous
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In the current generation people start adulting at 27.
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Anonymous
| She's your daughter. And, the best thing is that she's clear of addictions and the like. But instead of framing it through disappointment, maybe get more invested in what is blocking her from doing what she wants to do. There's maybe some depression or social anxiety going on, or issues with self-image. One idea might be to just get together and just try to suss out the source of her frustrations/inertia. I'm sensing she can't be happy with the situation either... |
Anonymous
| Be patient with her. She’s only 21. Enjoy the time you have with her at home and encourage her. Thank God she does not do drugs! |
Anonymous
| Help her find a part time job at a large company where she can learn something useful towards a career. Get away from Starbucks. Make sure she completes her degree from nova quickly. Set her up for success. |
Anonymous
| Instead of judging her, why not approach the situation from a position of wanting to understand what's going on? You need to build a positive relationship with her and get her to open up regarding her thoughts, goals, dreams, plans, concerns. |
Anonymous
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My husband.
He cannot accept that one of his children has low processing speed with no social initiative: DS has an ADHD and ASD diagnosis, and learning disabilities, but what's really noticeable is the slowness of his thinking in daily interactions and lack of observation or participation in anything social. DS needed accommodations in K-12 and still receives accommodations in college. Unless it's a greeting, every interaction with our 19 year old son ends with my husband disparaging him in an irritated tone of voice. I find it incredibly sad and disrespectful that my husband behaves in this way. It's been like this since my son was a preschooler, and it became apparent that he had delays and would never be quite "normal". My son has actually had incredible academic success despite his disabilities. My husband somehow credits "his" parenting and tutoring, and forgets that his son did all the work. DS is asocial, easily fatigued, and never initiates any chore or any social act. But he always does what he's asked to do, and that is a mark of goodwill and good nature that I value, unlike my husband. I can count on the fingers of one hand the number of times my son has had a tantrum, in all his 19 years of life. He's an exceptionally calm and compliant person. Your daughter has inherited a genetic combination which has molded her personality, OP. I'm not going to speculate on whether she could be subclinical or clinical for certain diagnoses. What matters is that you respect her for who she is and accept that she needs time to come into her own, whatever "her own" may be. |
Anonymous
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Overwhelmed in college and inattention to daily tasks?
That stinks to high heaven of untreated inattentive ADHD… You should get her evaluated. ADHD is the mental health disorder that’s easiest to medicate. She could go back to school, potentially. It would greatly improve her financial outlook. |
Anonymous
Right?! It's kind of ridiculous |
Anonymous
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OP you are the problem your kid is fine.
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Anonymous
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Wow, op WOW. What have you done to encourage her to grow instead of just judging her?
When will she be finished with college? |
Anonymous
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I don't think the OP worries are ridiculous. Overwhelmed at a good college and then average at community college and not social is cause for concern.
She is demonstrating lack of ambition and work ethic. |
Anonymous
This is a great idea. Help her into a professional setting and out of Starbucks. |