Anyone else not proud of their adult child?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As long as she is cute, then she can find a man, and she will be his problem soon enough.

Disgusting!

Are you from some fundamentalist society?

Women are full-fledged humans, just like men. They are not chattel to be housed and fed.

[Anonymous]

She’s kind and helpful. She manages to hold down some paid work dealing with the public. So I agree with your friend she has some things going for her and she is young.

But I also think you need to accept that the path your other child took will not be the same path for this child. College —> high power career is not for everyone. Perhaps she is happy with not chasing more and more “success.”

I’d mostly focus on helping her get a peer group. That would be the most worrisome part to me. Once she has a group and connections to opportunities and ability to see various job paths, she may come up with her own thing. And yes get her checked for ADHD.

[Anonymous]

If my kid is average / below average in college but they will graduate, I am going to suggest enlisting in the military as an officer.

[Anonymous]

Military will straighten them out.

[Anonymous]

One way to solve this is for her to start paying rent and give her a move out by date. She does not need to do anything right now, because you’re bank rolling her. She can do job corps, military, or working in admin staff/medical office. My parents stopped bank rolling when I was 16. Food was provided, but everything else I needed to work for.

[Anonymous]

Did she have any interests in HS? For instance maybe if she liked theatre she can work or volunteer in one. Maybe something creative is more her vibe? Maybe look for some internships ?

[Anonymous]

I think so much of parenting an adult child is having reasonable expectations. My mother will tell you parenting is such a disappointment. We went to top Universities (which she demanded), got good grades, good jobs, 2 of us married and had kids and really nothing is enough and she is constantly comparing to that one friend who's kids are even more accomplished and dote on her more.

One of my kids has SN which was devastating for mom and she admitted it to no one and pretty much didn't want us out in public with her. He's doing great. it has been a ton of work, interventions, tutoring, finding the right activities to make friends. He's in college-but what mom considers "a bottom feeder." We are so thrilled. I would love to see him be able to have a job, keep friends, live independently and maybe even marry, but will love him no matter what as long as he continues to be a good citizen. I have reasonable expectations for him and he is already exceeding them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Original poster here. Do I really sound toxic? In my daughters 21 years I have only encouraged her, get help for her (she does have adhd and takes adderall), and help her pursue any interest she has had, ultimately is now doing nothing except for scrolling on TikTok between school (her two cc classes) and part time work, and like I said the occasional helping out. Seriously, is this considered ok? Like leave her alone and let her just sit in her room between school and work?

Of course I have tried suggesting therapy, a coach or something to help her. I don’t do that anymore, because I don’t want to nag her and she knows that if she wants some help, she can just ask and I’ll help her find it.

What does the father think or say about this all? Is he a positive influence or a negative one or simply absent/not care?

Yes, who is this partner? A critical step-father? I would research community college programs/certificates that result in a job, (like ultrasound technician) and let/demand she make a choice. Don’t go the private route as too expensive. General education classes without a career in mind probably not ideal for your daughter.

[Anonymous]

Consider the military, where she will get the structure and discipline that she needs.

[Anonymous]

Well dayummmmm
I would hazard a guess that she may not be proud of you either.
As a parent, your goal should be to guide , support and to provide wisdom for their growth, not sit in your a**es waiting for them to make you proud.
She is 21 for God’s sake, not 61.
She is still trying to figure it, her prefrontal cortex is still not fully developed( and neither is yours from the sound of it)

She sounds like with her social and academic struggles there could be an underlying issue, ADHD, Autism spectrum, paralyzing anxiety, any number of things.
Do you talk to her about how she feels or just about how YOU feel about what you perceive as her lack of accomplishments?
Have you suggested therapy and made it clear you would support her in that journey?
Have you made it clear that she seems to be struggling and that you are here to help in whatever way she needs?
Have you told her that you love her for HER, not anything she does or does not do?
Momma you need some help realizing that parenting is not an ego fest!

[Anonymous]

Be proud of this:

- She was born
- she woke up this morning
- she has survived your selfish way of parenting
- That she saw her school struggles and made the smart decision to step away because it was not
- Despite what appears to be some anxiety she is not self medicating with drugs and alcohol
- She has a job
- She helps around the house
-She is your child
- She puts up with your judgment

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband.

He cannot accept that one of his children has low processing speed with no social initiative: DS has an ADHD and ASD diagnosis, and learning disabilities, but what's really noticeable is the slowness of his thinking in daily interactions and lack of observation or participation in anything social. DS needed accommodations in K-12 and still receives accommodations in college.

Unless it's a greeting, every interaction with our 19 year old son ends with my husband disparaging him in an irritated tone of voice. I find it incredibly sad and disrespectful that my husband behaves in this way. It's been like this since my son was a preschooler, and it became apparent that he had delays and would never be quite "normal".

My son has actually had incredible academic success despite his disabilities. My husband somehow credits "his" parenting and tutoring, and forgets that his son did all the work. DS is asocial, easily fatigued, and never initiates any chore or any social act. But he always does what he's asked to do, and that is a mark of goodwill and good nature that I value, unlike my husband. I can count on the fingers of one hand the number of times my son has had a tantrum, in all his 19 years of life. He's an exceptionally calm and compliant person.

Your daughter has inherited a genetic combination which has molded her personality, OP. I'm not going to speculate on whether she could be subclinical or clinical for certain diagnoses. What matters is that you respect her for who she is and accept that she needs time to come into her own, whatever "her own" may be.

And you allowed your child to be mistreated his entire childhood?????
You are as bad as your husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think the OP worries are ridiculous. Overwhelmed at a good college and then average at community college and not social is cause for concern.
She is demonstrating lack of ambition and work ethic.

Shut up

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think the OP worries are ridiculous. Overwhelmed at a good college and then average at community college and not social is cause for concern.
She is demonstrating lack of ambition and work ethic.

NP. Well, she didn’t come home and vegetate in her room; she enrolled in school and got a job. She’s only 21, some kids figure things out at a bit later, which is fine. I guess I’m not seeing the red flags. College isn’t for everyone.

[Anonymous]

And your post is all about you, OP - there’s no concern for her. It’s all about whether or not she’s “making you proud.” That has a narcissistic bent. Honestly, I wonder if you are a troll. And because I said that, I have to follow up with a report to Jeff.