Anyone else not proud of their adult child?

[Anonymous]

OP, our DD also left college after a year because they didn’t like their school. What we did with her was explore options, DD went to therapy, and we created a plan. Lack of inertia can be hard to overcome and it sounds like that might be where your DD is.

What is your DD’s plan?

If she won’t see a therapist, maybe find her an EF/career coach. I would be focusing my energy on trying to help her figure out what she wants to do and create a plan.

[Anonymous]

Ugh your mentality is garbage. Her job in life is not to make you proud. Just love her, support, and encourage her the best you can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ugh your mentality is garbage. Her job in life is not to make you proud. Just love her, support, and encourage her the best you can.

No. You are wrong. Whether or not we admit it publicly, that is our kids’ jobs. My immigrant family would agree with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh your mentality is garbage. Her job in life is not to make you proud. Just love her, support, and encourage her the best you can.

No. You are wrong. Whether or not we admit it publicly, that is our kids’ jobs. My immigrant family would agree with that.

I know this gets said on here a lot, but I feel sorry for your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t see what being extroverted vs. introverted has to do with anything. That seems like a personal preference on your part.

But yeah. Honestly, I would probably be disappointed and frustrated if this was what my kid was doing but ONLY because she was a very strong student in high school and now early college. If she’d always struggled academically, it wouldn’t be a surprise and I’d probably have already had some other suggestions up my sleeve. Was she a strong student academically and something happened that changed it?

If so, I’d probably see what was going on. But it kind of doesn’t sound like that. It sounds like your kid doesn’t really know what she wants to do. I don’t think I really knew what I wanted to do at 21 (still don’t really) so it’s all about helping her get options.

Is she open to accepting help from you? If so, I wonder if a trade is more something she’d want. Or maybe some internships. Things to get her to think about her future. But if she’s not open then there isn’t much you can do. Certainly there’s nothing wrong with leading an honest life paying your bills. I can understand wanting more for you kid, especially depending on your own background, but people do have their own personalities.

It sounds to me just from what you’ve said that it’s a combo of immaturity and not being into school. So I’d try to give her some experiences to build on as she gets a little older.

Op here and I love this. Suggestions as to what experiences she can build on would be?

Omg you’re such a weak parent. Do some of the work yourself. No one here knows your child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound awful

Awful for judging, without understanding her child could have a condition for which a patient needs accompaniment to get diagnosed and treated. And no, suggesting therapy is NOT the right start for this conversation. When someone is not functional, they need a physical check-up, then a psychology check-up. The therapy has to be tailored to the diagnosis, so you need the diagnosis first.

I feel so sad whenever children don't get the support they need from their parents. It's not like your child is a violent and aggressive patient who hits their parents and siblings. There are some tragic cases where parents cannot help their child, even if they want to.

But OP can, and she doesn't. It's a shame.

OP might also have untreated conditions that prevent her from seeing these things in her daughter. Afterall, a good chunk of our generation grew up without diagnoses or any kind of help or recognition that things might be difficult for them. Then they became parents, but are somehow magically supposed to be able to help and support their kids in ways they never received support or in areas they didn’t know existed. Lemme guess - it’s all the mom’s fault too.

I’m the PP you replied to.

I had untreated ADHD, yet I got my kid diagnosed with ADHD/ASD at an early age, coached and tutored him myself in elementary, fought my ADHD/ASD husband, who was in major denial, to get my son on meds, then hired tutors for secondary school, while continuing to be his executive function coach. 18 years of having a whole other full time job: not 9-5. Morning before school, afternoon and evening after school. All day on weekends.

So no. I judge mothers AND fathers who neglect the special needs of their kids. It was a major sacrifice for me, but the only way my very impacted kid could have a chance at college (where he is now), and a chance at financial stability.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t see what being extroverted vs. introverted has to do with anything. That seems like a personal preference on your part.

But yeah. Honestly, I would probably be disappointed and frustrated if this was what my kid was doing but ONLY because she was a very strong student in high school and now early college. If she’d always struggled academically, it wouldn’t be a surprise and I’d probably have already had some other suggestions up my sleeve. Was she a strong student academically and something happened that changed it?

If so, I’d probably see what was going on. But it kind of doesn’t sound like that. It sounds like your kid doesn’t really know what she wants to do. I don’t think I really knew what I wanted to do at 21 (still don’t really) so it’s all about helping her get options.

Is she open to accepting help from you? If so, I wonder if a trade is more something she’d want. Or maybe some internships. Things to get her to think about her future. But if she’s not open then there isn’t much you can do. Certainly there’s nothing wrong with leading an honest life paying your bills. I can understand wanting more for you kid, especially depending on your own background, but people do have their own personalities.

It sounds to me just from what you’ve said that it’s a combo of immaturity and not being into school. So I’d try to give her some experiences to build on as she gets a little older.

Op here and I love this. Suggestions as to what experiences she can build on would be?

Omg you’re such a weak parent. Do some of the work yourself. No one here knows your child.

Np. Don’t be such a prick.

Op- travel, classes, volunteering, peace corps, etc.

[Anonymous]

I always giggle when someone like the PP suggests a failure-to-launch AC joining the Peace Corps. It is incredibly selective and very difficult to be chosen for a slot!
Posts like these illustrate how many non-DC folks are on this board.

[Anonymous]

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh your mentality is garbage. Her job in life is not to make you proud. Just love her, support, and encourage her the best you can.

No. You are wrong. Whether or not we admit it publicly, that is our kids’ jobs. My immigrant family would agree with that.

And what is a parent's job?

If your kid fails to make you proud, then you failed as a parent, which means you fail to make your parents proud.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Help her find a part time job at a large company where she can learn something useful towards a career. Get away from Starbucks. Make sure she completes her degree from nova quickly. Set her up for success.

Don't knock Starbucks. My sister was a late bloomer for a variety of reasons. She's working at Starbucks and getting her bachelors degree for free plus she gets benefits at only 30 hours a week.

[Anonymous]

I'm not sure why people say it's the parents' fault. I know so many families of adult kids with one or two kids who launched easily and well after college, and others who floundered. You cannot fix someone's personality and inner drive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband.

He cannot accept that one of his children has low processing speed with no social initiative: DS has an ADHD and ASD diagnosis, and learning disabilities, but what's really noticeable is the slowness of his thinking in daily interactions and lack of observation or participation in anything social. DS needed accommodations in K-12 and still receives accommodations in college.

Unless it's a greeting, every interaction with our 19 year old son ends with my husband disparaging him in an irritated tone of voice. I find it incredibly sad and disrespectful that my husband behaves in this way. It's been like this since my son was a preschooler, and it became apparent that he had delays and would never be quite "normal".

My son has actually had incredible academic success despite his disabilities. My husband somehow credits "his" parenting and tutoring, and forgets that his son did all the work. DS is asocial, easily fatigued, and never initiates any chore or any social act. But he always does what he's asked to do, and that is a mark of goodwill and good nature that I value, unlike my husband. I can count on the fingers of one hand the number of times my son has had a tantrum, in all his 19 years of life. He's an exceptionally calm and compliant person.

Your daughter has inherited a genetic combination which has molded her personality, OP. I'm not going to speculate on whether she could be subclinical or clinical for certain diagnoses. What matters is that you respect her for who she is and accept that she needs time to come into her own, whatever "her own" may be.

Great post! Your son sounds wonderful, as do you. Your husband- not so much.- I am sorry.

[Anonymous]

My heart goes out to your daughter. You just said at this point in her life, “she truly has no one.” Yet you are taking time to post online that you are not proud of her. She has probably sensed that for a long fine, which has undoubtedly impeded her confidence and achievements.

Did she attend a college that you aspired to, but that was not a good fit for her?

Please learn to love her, though I do not understand how that is not your default sentiment. Seek counseling, to improve your ability to support her, before it is too late.

(She sounds like a good kid, despite the fact that we are meeting her through your eyes…which are sadly disparaging. )

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ugh your mentality is garbage. Her job in life is not to make you proud. Just love her, support, and encourage her the best you can.

How narcissistic can you be?!