And the woman of my dreams just ruined it

[Anonymous]

Some advice (and not meant to be snarky): don’t put women on a pedestal. “Women of your dreams” makes her out to be some type of unicorn and that makes for a lopsided dynamic. She’s already occupied too much space in your head by you writing this long post. Dial up the next lucky lady and move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound insane and now she knows that about you, so good for her.

Holy f*%#! This. OP you sound like one of those guys who thinks he sees the world in some truly special or unique way and that you have standards based on your superior view of the world. This poor beautiful, kind woman needs to run. She'll soon be "naively friendly" to you because she fears for her safety. Eek.

[Anonymous]

So let’s get this straight. If we don’t smile and act friendly, we are frigid and we get commands to “smile , it can’t be that bad!” when we are walking down the street or drinking a coffee alone. If we DO smile and engage in friendly chit chat, we are being “naively friendly” and flirting. And also, by having a character flaw of some kind- pretty much a prerequisite for being human, by the way- we are “ruining” a man’s fantasy.

And you wonder why women are more and more frequently seeking out spaces that are female only.

[Anonymous]

Not to defend OP but she said was pretty stupid. If you think you’re in danger, that means you’re not being “naively friendly”, so he entire danger argument makes no sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She didn’t ruin anything. She’s a real human, not the imaginary woman of your dreams.

This.
Your rhetoric either informs your thinking…or reveals it.

And your rhetoric, OP, is a red flag. When you use language that puts the blame on her for your feelings (I.e., “SHE ruined it” rather than “my attraction for her is now not as strong due to my own biases and perception of flirtation”) then you are failing to recognize that she isn’t actually responsible for your reactions or interpretations of certain behaviors. You need to own that.
She is who she is and you either like her or you don’t. But SHE didn’t “ruin” YOUR attraction.
You simply made a judgment about her behavior that resulted in you no longer being attracted to her based on a standard that YOU chose to elevate above her other numerous qualities that you do admire.
And that’s fine.
But you need to own that you did that.
She didn’t do anything to “ruin” anything.

[Anonymous]

Uh yeah I don’t understand this. She says basically she’s almost always friendly because of perceived danger (which I get and also love daily). How does this translate to flirting?! Seems like OP’s world view is if a woman is smiling and making friendly conversation = flirting. Trust me, OP — that’s not the case.

[Anonymous]

Expectations are premeditated resentments, and unspoken expectations aren't the responsibility of the other party.

It's not another human's job to fulfill your dreams. They're dreams for a reason.

You need to snap back to the reality of everyone's flawed humanity, starting with your own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Uh yeah I don’t understand this. She says basically she’s almost always friendly because of perceived danger (which I get and also love daily). How does this translate to flirting?! Seems like OP’s world view is if a woman is smiling and making friendly conversation = flirting. Trust me, OP — that’s not the case.

Op here. I told her that makes sense because clearly that’s not naive because she senses danger. What she said after that caused me to pause. Present danger or not, you’re still going to be friendly because you’ve been conditioned to be that way? So woman are conditioned to be friendly with men even if there’s no perceived danger? That makes no sense.

[Anonymous]

You sound like a real winner. /s

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can’t make heads or tails of your post and I read it several times but it gave me a red flag feeling of concern for this woman. Kudos to PPs who seemed to have read the tea leaves and figured out what you meant. I have no idea what naively friendly means - you never explained and it’s creepy that you say this woman ruined something simply by being herself, or why you are perceiving her as a flirt.

+100

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Uh yeah I don’t understand this. She says basically she’s almost always friendly because of perceived danger (which I get and also love daily). How does this translate to flirting?! Seems like OP’s world view is if a woman is smiling and making friendly conversation = flirting. Trust me, OP — that’s not the case.

Op here. I told her that makes sense because clearly that’s not naive because she senses danger. What she said after that caused me to pause. Present danger or not, you’re still going to be friendly because you’ve been conditioned to be that way? So woman are conditioned to be friendly with men even if there’s no perceived danger? That makes no sense.

What planet do you live on? First, some women are naturally friendly, to everyone, which includes men. Second, yes, women are conditioned to be friendly, to everyone, which includes men.

If you want to live in a society where women only interact with men they are related to, go to Afghanistan. They’ve recently imposed a lot of rules on women that I think you’d be thrilled with.

If you want to live in a modern American society, you have to accept the fact that women are fully human and can have social interactions with other people, including men.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Uh yeah I don’t understand this. She says basically she’s almost always friendly because of perceived danger (which I get and also love daily). How does this translate to flirting?! Seems like OP’s world view is if a woman is smiling and making friendly conversation = flirting. Trust me, OP — that’s not the case.

Op here. I told her that makes sense because clearly that’s not naive because she senses danger. What she said after that caused me to pause. Present danger or not, you’re still going to be friendly because you’ve been conditioned to be that way? So woman are conditioned to be friendly with men even if there’s no perceived danger? That makes no sense.

Google Gavin deBecker and the "gift of fear." Yes, women are conditioned to be nice and polite, even in situations that make them uncomfortable and fearful. It absolutely makes sense, and when she puts you in the friend zone you should understand that her "interest" in you was likely to avoid hurting your feelings.

[Anonymous]

So OP, is she no longer the woman of your dreams?

Also, if she’s been the woman of your dreams for 10 years, does that mean you haven’t dated anyone in 10 years?

[Anonymous]

OP is probably one of those men who is only nice to women whom he is sexually interested in, so he assumes that all other men are like that, too. OP, some people, both men and women, are friendly and sociable to the opposite sex without wanting to boink them.

[Anonymous]

You’re probably destined to be alone, OP.