And the woman of my dreams just ruined it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve known of her for a long time. Honestly, have had a crush on her from afar for about 10 years but she never looked my way until now. She’s funny, smart, gorgeous, kind, has a great job, etc. Im pretty laid back but I told her I have I can’t stand it when a woman is naively friendly. She asked what constitutes as being as naively friendly because sometimes women have to do it to avoid being shot. I said if you are consciously sensing danger to the point you are worried about being shot then you aren’t being naively friendly. Naively friendly would be the opposite of that. Not sensing intentions or danger.

Then she said, I guess I should’ve specified that because we’re always on alert it can be unconscious, with or without present danger because we’ve been conditioned. Now flirting or not having boundaries with someone you have a platonic or business relationship with? That’s an absolute no…that’s why I asked what you view as friendly.

So clearly she’s a flirt, so that’s just ruined how I view her now. Sucks because I really liked her.

What the hell are you talking about dude? You sound like a chick. I know exactly what “naively friendly” is and some of my wife’s best friends are like this, she is too. When you hang out with other couples everybody mingles and interacts with everyone else in a mixed gender fashion, conversation gets interesting, and it’s a ton of fun, then everyone goes home with their spouse. But I’m not from here. Maybe you’re looking for the dmv experience where at parties the women get together and do their thing and the guys get together and talk about golf and work. don’t be an idiot. You’re overthinking it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Uh yeah I don’t understand this. She says basically she’s almost always friendly because of perceived danger (which I get and also love daily). How does this translate to flirting?! Seems like OP’s world view is if a woman is smiling and making friendly conversation = flirting. Trust me, OP — that’s not the case.

Op here. I told her that makes sense because clearly that’s not naive because she senses danger. What she said after that caused me to pause. Present danger or not, you’re still going to be friendly because you’ve been conditioned to be that way? So woman are conditioned to be friendly with men even if there’s no perceived danger? That makes no sense.

It makes perfect sense, you're just not very intelligent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Clearly she senses danger with you. And rightly so. Yikes.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Uh yeah I don’t understand this. She says basically she’s almost always friendly because of perceived danger (which I get and also love daily). How does this translate to flirting?! Seems like OP’s world view is if a woman is smiling and making friendly conversation = flirting. Trust me, OP — that’s not the case.

Op here. I told her that makes sense because clearly that’s not naive because she senses danger. What she said after that caused me to pause. Present danger or not, you’re still going to be friendly because you’ve been conditioned to be that way? So woman are conditioned to be friendly with men even if there’s no perceived danger? That makes no sense.

Google Gavin deBecker and the "gift of fear." Yes, women are conditioned to be nice and polite, even in situations that make them uncomfortable and fearful. It absolutely makes sense, and when she puts you in the friend zone you should understand that her "interest" in you was likely to avoid hurting your feelings.

I agree and believe that women are nice in situations they’re uncomfortable with. But what I’m having a hard time believing is that being friendly is a woman’s natural default?

So you've never met a mean girl or a b-iotch? Friendly is certainly not everyone's default. You may need to get out more. Join a club or something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ironic that this is exactly the terrifying kind behaviour that The Woman is talking about.

This exactly.
Everyone in this thread that doesn't understand what 'naively friendly' means, it is a way to protect ourselves (women) from men like OP.

I know what he means, but I like naively friendly women. They make life interesting. They basically interact with other men at gatherings (not the dmv thing where the women only talk to other women and men to other men) and have a tendency to push the conversational boundary. Then gets surprised when a guy who is like an engineer or something and doesn’t interact with women regularly makes a comment about her ass. But like I said, I think these kind of women are great.

[Anonymous]

Op, are you a woman?

[Anonymous]

OP sounds genuinely deranged.

[Anonymous]

please let this be a troll
please let this be a troll

[Anonymous]

Here's a very simple tip: Women do not like to be told what it's like to exist as female by men.

Had happened since the dawn of time.

[Anonymous]

Bateman? Is that you?

[Anonymous]

Yes OP, we are often conditioned to be friendly. Of all behavioral choices, it’s the most benign and contains plausible deniability because men can be unpredictable and irrational. See also such films as: you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Uh yeah I don’t understand this. She says basically she’s almost always friendly because of perceived danger (which I get and also love daily). How does this translate to flirting?! Seems like OP’s world view is if a woman is smiling and making friendly conversation = flirting. Trust me, OP — that’s not the case.

Op here. I told her that makes sense because clearly that’s not naive because she senses danger. What she said after that caused me to pause. Present danger or not, you’re still going to be friendly because you’ve been conditioned to be that way? So woman are conditioned to be friendly with men even if there’s no perceived danger? That makes no sense.

Some women are friendly. Some men are friendly. Did you fail Kindergarten OP.

[Anonymous]

Present danger or not, you’re still going to be friendly because you’ve been conditioned to be that way? So woman are conditioned to be friendly with men even if there’s no perceived danger?

I get this- most ‘red flag’ guys respond worse to females who are not friendly. I would be friendly but slightly reserved in the moment, but keep my distance from that person.

[Anonymous]

She’s kept you at arms distance for a decade and probably knows that getting any closer to you means a world of covert contracts and being silently judged for every single thing she does.

[Anonymous]

You have a preference. She doesn't meet it. That's not her fault. You spent a decade building her up in your mind and you did it inaccurately--again, not her fault. Stop dating her. She isn't going to change, you aren't going to change, it isn't going to get better, she didn't ruin anything. You'll both be happier if you let it go.