Husband and his partner

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's not being "cool girl", OP. If you wouldn't feel this way with this arrangement with a male partner, it's a you problem. Yes, running a business is 9 hours of communication a day, why is this so shocking to you?

OP: Well, it wasn’t always like this. We have had a huge decrease in the amount of sex we have since their communication ramped up to where it is now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have 15 lpartners at work and we talk to each other about vacations, how we are feeling, what we did over the weekend, bounding ideas of reach other, etc. he isn’t her boss — he’s her partner. The only thing that seems very different is that there are only 2 of them. If their business is successful and making money and their personal friendship allows the business to thrive, I don’t see a real issue. (If they are not doing well because they spend too much time chatting, that’s a different issue.)

I just can’t see how you benefit by making a big deal about this “emotional affair.” Obviously it improves his mood to have a friend that he is in business with. Do you want him in a worse mood? Do you want his business to dissolve because they feel awkward around each other? What do you gain by telling him he can’t talk to his business partner so much? It seems to me you gain nothing and potentially lose a lot.

Finall question—would you feel this way if it was a male partner?

This. If it’s same sex, you know you would think it’s just friendship. But it’s the opposite sex, so it’s an “emotional affair.”
OP, insecurity is so unattractive.

OP: I’m really over the “cool girl”, go with the flow type of persona people try to push on women. “Insecurity is so unattractive”; great. I don’t honestly care about what’s attractive. What I care about is the respect and love my husband and I have for each other in our marriage. If something makes me feel uncomfortable, I don’t give a shit if it’s unattractive to discuss or makes me look insecure. My happiness, my satisfaction with my marriage, and my personhood is worth looking insecure over. Imagine caring how you look when you’re hurting inside and too scared to talk to your spouse because “it’s unattractive”. Pass.

Me, me, me. My, my, my. What about your husband’s happiness? He clearly has a good working relationship with this woman. Do you honestly want to blow up his professional life just because it makes you uncomfortable?

Don’t worry, no one has ever mistaken you for a cool girl. You’re the stage 5 clinger that most men were smart enough to avoid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not being "cool girl", OP. If you wouldn't feel this way with this arrangement with a male partner, it's a you problem. Yes, running a business is 9 hours of communication a day, why is this so shocking to you?

OP: Well, it wasn’t always like this. We have had a huge decrease in the amount of sex we have since their communication ramped up to where it is now.

Oh, here come the explanations and excuses…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not being "cool girl", OP. If you wouldn't feel this way with this arrangement with a male partner, it's a you problem. Yes, running a business is 9 hours of communication a day, why is this so shocking to you?

OP: Well, it wasn’t always like this. We have had a huge decrease in the amount of sex we have since their communication ramped up to where it is now.

I would maybe lead with this. Why aren't we having sex as much instead of attacking his business

[Anonymous]

Go with your gut.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ah, yes. Another small business owner using the fragility of their company to excuse an affair/inappropriate behavior. I was married to a man who was sleeping with his business partner for years. Any time I tried to talk about the inappropriateness of their work relationship, I got shut down. “Don’t you want a roof over your head? Don't you want food on the table for the children? Don't interfere with that.”

Small business owners use their lack of an HR department as a way to run rampant with inappropriate behavior. Although, it sounds like the business partner is driving the contact. Either way, I have lived this, OP. You’re not crazy for wanting your husband and his business associate to remain professional.

So, you interfered with that? How did it work out for you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have 15 lpartners at work and we talk to each other about vacations, how we are feeling, what we did over the weekend, bounding ideas of reach other, etc. he isn’t her boss — he’s her partner. The only thing that seems very different is that there are only 2 of them. If their business is successful and making money and their personal friendship allows the business to thrive, I don’t see a real issue. (If they are not doing well because they spend too much time chatting, that’s a different issue.)

I just can’t see how you benefit by making a big deal about this “emotional affair.” Obviously it improves his mood to have a friend that he is in business with. Do you want him in a worse mood? Do you want his business to dissolve because they feel awkward around each other? What do you gain by telling him he can’t talk to his business partner so much? It seems to me you gain nothing and potentially lose a lot.

Finall question—would you feel this way if it was a male partner?

This. If it’s same sex, you know you would think it’s just friendship. But it’s the opposite sex, so it’s an “emotional affair.”
OP, insecurity is so unattractive.

OP: I’m really over the “cool girl”, go with the flow type of persona people try to push on women. “Insecurity is so unattractive”; great. I don’t honestly care about what’s attractive. What I care about is the respect and love my husband and I have for each other in our marriage. If something makes me feel uncomfortable, I don’t give a shit if it’s unattractive to discuss or makes me look insecure. My happiness, my satisfaction with my marriage, and my personhood is worth looking insecure over. Imagine caring how you look when you’re hurting inside and too scared to talk to your spouse because “it’s unattractive”. Pass.

Me, me, me. My, my, my. What about your husband’s happiness? He clearly has a good working relationship with this woman. Do you honestly want to blow up his professional life just because it makes you uncomfortable?

Don’t worry, no one has ever mistaken you for a cool girl. You’re the stage 5 clinger that most men were smart enough to avoid.

Sounds like the female business partner has entered the chat.

[Anonymous]

I’m a very pragmatic person. Most people would call me quiet or reserved. I don’t often bring issues up with my spouse unless they’re quite serious, and I come armed with a solution. I think in 12 years of marriage, I’ve had a Sit Down conversation about something concerning me 3 or 4 times.

In my opinion, this is a serious issue, and I would be gearing up to discuss it. I don’t know if your husband is having an inappropriate relationship with his business partner, but I do know he’s doing a few things: 1) he is setting up a scenario where an inappropriate relationship can easily occur, 2) he is not being respectful of his marriage (I am very religious, so this is just my opinion, but I think his long, personal, all-day talks and lack of boundaries with the female colleague is extremely disrespectful to a marriage), and 3) he is pitting you, his wife, against a female colleague and creating deep, long term rifts and distrust by allowing this to continue in front of your face.

Now, I think you have to decide what you want, OP. When you sit down to talk with him, what are you wanting to achieve? He still has to communicate with her. That’s non-negotiable. But don’t be gaslit or fooled into thinking that the options are either the status quo or something extreme. Men have a tendency to do this when you push them. “What do you want? I guess I’ll just never talk to her again.” I’m sure you’ve seen it.

He is a grown man and is fully capable of implementing boundaries and demonstrating appropriate communication with his peers. You are not asking too much. Believe me, OP, your husband would be extremely uncomfortable if the tables were turned and you were giggling on the phone with one specific male coworker for 9 hours a day. He would have no issue telling you about how YOU need to be more respectful of the marriage.

So, sit down and think about what you want from the discussion. I do not think this is normal business behavior, and I think they’re dancing on the line of inappropriateness. Everyone has different boundaries for these things. Mine probably fall somewhere closer to yours because I would feel equally disturbed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have 15 lpartners at work and we talk to each other about vacations, how we are feeling, what we did over the weekend, bounding ideas of reach other, etc. he isn’t her boss — he’s her partner. The only thing that seems very different is that there are only 2 of them. If their business is successful and making money and their personal friendship allows the business to thrive, I don’t see a real issue. (If they are not doing well because they spend too much time chatting, that’s a different issue.)

I just can’t see how you benefit by making a big deal about this “emotional affair.” Obviously it improves his mood to have a friend that he is in business with. Do you want him in a worse mood? Do you want his business to dissolve because they feel awkward around each other? What do you gain by telling him he can’t talk to his business partner so much? It seems to me you gain nothing and potentially lose a lot.

Finall question—would you feel this way if it was a male partner?

This. If it’s same sex, you know you would think it’s just friendship. But it’s the opposite sex, so it’s an “emotional affair.”
OP, insecurity is so unattractive.

OP: I’m really over the “cool girl”, go with the flow type of persona people try to push on women. “Insecurity is so unattractive”; great. I don’t honestly care about what’s attractive. What I care about is the respect and love my husband and I have for each other in our marriage. If something makes me feel uncomfortable, I don’t give a shit if it’s unattractive to discuss or makes me look insecure. My happiness, my satisfaction with my marriage, and my personhood is worth looking insecure over. Imagine caring how you look when you’re hurting inside and too scared to talk to your spouse because “it’s unattractive”. Pass.

Me, me, me. My, my, my. What about your husband’s happiness? He clearly has a good working relationship with this woman. Do you honestly want to blow up his professional life just because it makes you uncomfortable?

Don’t worry, no one has ever mistaken you for a cool girl. You’re the stage 5 clinger that most men were smart enough to avoid.

The gaslighter arrives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have 15 lpartners at work and we talk to each other about vacations, how we are feeling, what we did over the weekend, bounding ideas of reach other, etc. he isn’t her boss — he’s her partner. The only thing that seems very different is that there are only 2 of them. If their business is successful and making money and their personal friendship allows the business to thrive, I don’t see a real issue. (If they are not doing well because they spend too much time chatting, that’s a different issue.)

I just can’t see how you benefit by making a big deal about this “emotional affair.” Obviously it improves his mood to have a friend that he is in business with. Do you want him in a worse mood? Do you want his business to dissolve because they feel awkward around each other? What do you gain by telling him he can’t talk to his business partner so much? It seems to me you gain nothing and potentially lose a lot.

Finall question—would you feel this way if it was a male partner?

This. If it’s same sex, you know you would think it’s just friendship. But it’s the opposite sex, so it’s an “emotional affair.”
OP, insecurity is so unattractive.

OP: I’m really over the “cool girl”, go with the flow type of persona people try to push on women. “Insecurity is so unattractive”; great. I don’t honestly care about what’s attractive. What I care about is the respect and love my husband and I have for each other in our marriage. If something makes me feel uncomfortable, I don’t give a shit if it’s unattractive to discuss or makes me look insecure. My happiness, my satisfaction with my marriage, and my personhood is worth looking insecure over. Imagine caring how you look when you’re hurting inside and too scared to talk to your spouse because “it’s unattractive”. Pass.

Me, me, me. My, my, my. What about your husband’s happiness? He clearly has a good working relationship with this woman. Do you honestly want to blow up his professional life just because it makes you uncomfortable?

Don’t worry, no one has ever mistaken you for a cool girl. You’re the stage 5 clinger that most men were smart enough to avoid.

Sounds like the female business partner has entered the chat.

No, just someone who knows that no one person can be everything to their spouse. OP is on a path to torpedo her marriage and her financial stability if she insists that she dictate how her husband interacts with his BUSINESS PARTNER.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have 15 lpartners at work and we talk to each other about vacations, how we are feeling, what we did over the weekend, bounding ideas of reach other, etc. he isn’t her boss — he’s her partner. The only thing that seems very different is that there are only 2 of them. If their business is successful and making money and their personal friendship allows the business to thrive, I don’t see a real issue. (If they are not doing well because they spend too much time chatting, that’s a different issue.)

I just can’t see how you benefit by making a big deal about this “emotional affair.” Obviously it improves his mood to have a friend that he is in business with. Do you want him in a worse mood? Do you want his business to dissolve because they feel awkward around each other? What do you gain by telling him he can’t talk to his business partner so much? It seems to me you gain nothing and potentially lose a lot.

Finall question—would you feel this way if it was a male partner?

This. If it’s same sex, you know you would think it’s just friendship. But it’s the opposite sex, so it’s an “emotional affair.”
OP, insecurity is so unattractive.

OP: I’m really over the “cool girl”, go with the flow type of persona people try to push on women. “Insecurity is so unattractive”; great. I don’t honestly care about what’s attractive. What I care about is the respect and love my husband and I have for each other in our marriage. If something makes me feel uncomfortable, I don’t give a shit if it’s unattractive to discuss or makes me look insecure. My happiness, my satisfaction with my marriage, and my personhood is worth looking insecure over. Imagine caring how you look when you’re hurting inside and too scared to talk to your spouse because “it’s unattractive”. Pass.

Me, me, me. My, my, my. What about your husband’s happiness? He clearly has a good working relationship with this woman. Do you honestly want to blow up his professional life just because it makes you uncomfortable?

Don’t worry, no one has ever mistaken you for a cool girl. You’re the stage 5 clinger that most men were smart enough to avoid.

Sounds like the female business partner has entered the chat.

No, just someone who knows that no one person can be everything to their spouse. OP is on a path to torpedo her marriage and her financial stability if she insists that she dictate how her husband interacts with his BUSINESS PARTNER.

Why is this on OP? I’m confused why she’s going to wreck her marriage for speaking up. Her husband is the one being inappropriate.

[Anonymous]

I guess I’m a dissenter.

I don’t know if your DH is having an affair with his business partner or not.

But if he isn’t, this just sounds like a close colleague friendship to me. It wouldn’t bother me personally.

If he is, I don’t see how you monitoring or setting rules for his work relationships would help.

I guess I basically feel like cheating or not cheating is in the spouse’s hands. You can’t prevent it by policing his friendships. It’s on him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have 15 lpartners at work and we talk to each other about vacations, how we are feeling, what we did over the weekend, bounding ideas of reach other, etc. he isn’t her boss — he’s her partner. The only thing that seems very different is that there are only 2 of them. If their business is successful and making money and their personal friendship allows the business to thrive, I don’t see a real issue. (If they are not doing well because they spend too much time chatting, that’s a different issue.)

I just can’t see how you benefit by making a big deal about this “emotional affair.” Obviously it improves his mood to have a friend that he is in business with. Do you want him in a worse mood? Do you want his business to dissolve because they feel awkward around each other? What do you gain by telling him he can’t talk to his business partner so much? It seems to me you gain nothing and potentially lose a lot.

Finall question—would you feel this way if it was a male partner?

This. If it’s same sex, you know you would think it’s just friendship. But it’s the opposite sex, so it’s an “emotional affair.”
OP, insecurity is so unattractive.

OP: I’m really over the “cool girl”, go with the flow type of persona people try to push on women. “Insecurity is so unattractive”; great. I don’t honestly care about what’s attractive. What I care about is the respect and love my husband and I have for each other in our marriage. If something makes me feel uncomfortable, I don’t give a shit if it’s unattractive to discuss or makes me look insecure. My happiness, my satisfaction with my marriage, and my personhood is worth looking insecure over. Imagine caring how you look when you’re hurting inside and too scared to talk to your spouse because “it’s unattractive”. Pass.

Bravo OP! Remember what you’ve written here and use it to guide your actions. I hate the posters trying to bludgeon you into submission and gaslight you. You are not wrong and your sense of inner peace and comfort absolutely matter. For what it’s worth, I think what your husband do it is doing is bananas.

[Anonymous]

I have a male business partner who is also a friend. I told him I was getting a divorce before I told any of my non-work friends because if affects our business and my performance. However, after expressing normal sympathy, our conversation was about redistribution of work load and other things that applied to our business together. I have a ton of respect for him and trust him, glad he is my business partner, but both of us have boundaries with personal stuff.

Trust your gut, OP. If it's uncomfortable, you need to discuss it with your DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband has a female business partner, and I am uncomfortable by the amount of communication they have and how much personal information is shared.

Every single day, the two of them have a one-on-one meeting for an hour where they just have coffee, discuss what they did the night before, chat about personal things (“Oh, did you do yoga on the beach when you were on vacation?”, “If you could eat one thing forever, what would it be?”, “what’s your middle name?”), and laugh.

After that, they are in near constant contact from 9 am to 7 pm. She calls him around 7 times a day. They chat on Slack when they’re not on the phone. They call each other before meetings to plan, call after meetings to discuss how it went, and any questions she may have during the day, she calls him. It’s never less than 30 minutes.

Now, she’s pregnant. She told him when she was about 6-7 weeks, which is way early for work. He’s been mentioning things like, “Oh, She came to the meeting today but she was so nauseous” or I’ll overhear her whining to him about how nauseous she feels or how unwell she feels.

I have talked to him numerous times about how the excessive communication makes me feel like he does nothing but spend his days giggling and flirting with her. If there’s a question, I think email or slack is appropriate. It doesn’t need to be an hour long phone call. If you need to plan meetings, do it during your hour long morning call when you do nothing but just chat about your lives and how much you have in common. The pregnancy stuff is really throwing me off too— that’s stuff I would never, ever share with a boss or coworker; I’d text my husband if I was feeling morning sickness.

I am preparing to talk to him about it again today because I’ve gotten to the point where it deeply bothers me. His response is always that he’s doing nothing wrong except running a business and if I have a problem with the way he’s doing it, THAT is a problem.

Any advice? Am I overreacting?

It honestly sounds like you are overreacting. She's married and having a baby, he's married to you. Daily one-on-ones are not excessive for business partners. Constantly being on Slack is normal for anyone who works remotely. Pre- and post-meeting plannings and debriefs are 100% normal.

The bolded jumped out at me because it's a real flaw in how you're thinking about this - he's not her boss. They're partners. They're both responsible for making sure this business is profitable and it's a very different role than contributor/boss. I'm a woman in a business partnership and I told my partner (/friend) earlier than I told my boss at my last job, because if I have complications, illness, etc. it impacts both of us. He'll have to step up and handle things that I do for the day-to-day in a way that is very different from having an individual contributor take a week off.