Therapist says we are busy doing and not feeling

[Anonymous]

OP, what are the words you would use to describe any emotions you have had in the last 24 hrs?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At the second family therapy session the therapist said I hear a lot about what you are doing but not what you are feeling on a day to day basis. All of our issues are follow through, action-oriented implementation issues which then result in feelings because something went wrong and someone gets stressed and then communication breaks down. Someone didn't clean something up, didn't pay something on time etc. I don't really understand her assertion that somehow we should be feeling so much on a given day though so it's hard to respond to her. It's not like I don't have regular feelings, I just don't have strong feelings on a given day. If things are going well I feel mostly content and if things are not going well I feel somewhat stressed. I don't really feel anger and joy on a regular basis. I generally stay within the green and yellow zones of regulation. It has to be something really strong to feel really sad, mad, or joyous. Is there something I should be feeling on a regular basis in these columns? Why does it seem like this person thinks we should feel more on a standard day where work was ok, dinner happened, kids got to classes, and all that happened was a water bottle went missing. If no one dies or I don't get a promotion I don't see the reason to be in these zones.

Honestly, screw therapists. Most are so harmful to people and their relationships. They are meddlesome shits and most are so effed up in their own lives they have no business counseling others.

Well I'm sure she has a point that I have to meet my kids emotionally more but I just wish it was at a different place like perhaps meeting on things they care about and want support on rather than the dishes for the night. I'm tired of something like the dishes being an emotionally charged activity

But as someone said earlier, they are bottling up their emotional needs and it is coming out at the wrong time. Y’all are out of sync in terms of emotions

Probably true. Adhd tends to have dysregulated emotion. But I don't think the answer is be more emotional about washing your dish as a teenager. Its more about voicing your emotional needs with some calmness and fulfilling your own emotional needs to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, what are the words you would use to describe any emotions you have had in the last 24 hrs?

Happy when life went well. Frustrated when they didn't. Angry when someone else got angry at me by making a small issue bigger. . But 90 percent of the day was just happiness or anxiety or frustration or peace. More od the green and yellow areas of regulation

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what are the words you would use to describe any emotions you have had in the last 24 hrs?

Happy when life went well. Frustrated when they didn't. Angry when someone else got angry at me by making a small issue bigger. . But 90 percent of the day was just happiness or anxiety or frustration or peace. More od the green and yellow areas of regulation

Where did you learn the “green and yellow” terminology? (Are you aware that this framework for thinking about emotions is not universal?)

Who in your family is in the non-green, non-yellow zone?

[Anonymous]

OP, you are still avoiding addressing your reason for therapy directly. If the answer is "to work on communication" then say so. But it kind of sounds like there is actually a lot of resentment and conflict under the surface in your family. You are annoyed because someone didn't let you know - that's the feeling here. Repeats of that annoyance (as would happen if it's a pattern entrenched enough to send you to therapy) will absolutely result in you having feelings that the family member in question is not reliable, doesn't care enough to let you know they're safe, offers BS apologies to excuse poor behavior. Those may be facts based on actions, but they are also emotional impressions that affect family life. Maybe most of the time you are fine and you do not experience acute joy. I think that's normal. But your posts have a really "but it's fine, it's all fine" flavor to them. I think the therapist can either sense the resentment building underneath for the family members in question or is confused about why you are in therapy at all if it's all so fine.

I also find it a little suspect that you won't identify roles in the family as well as the problem. Kind of a difference whether the "problem" is a parent or a child, a big kid or a little one, etc.

[Anonymous]

My kids are teenagers so it really isn't that different from one person to another. My husband can be more immature than them. It's mostly just adhd issues with executive function and communication difficulties. How to have better social and emotional conversations before they get worse. Just a lot of irritations over small stuff that I am hoping can be fixed with better communication

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP said
All of our issues are follow through, action-oriented implementation issues which then result in feelings because something went wrong and someone gets stressed and then communication breaks down.

You know that mistakes are going to happen in life. And people are going to drop the ball sometimes. If your emotional state hangs on everything going according to plan, you're setting up for volatility. It's better to become more familiar with your feelings as they are regularly.

OP here. My thoughts exactly. But the problem is that whenever anyone drops the ball, instead of just seeing it as a ball to pick up it becomes a character disagreement. That is what is annoying and while there could be some autistic traits, the more prevalent issue in the family is adhd. Mostly hyperactive adhd. So people are impulsive and reactive snd dont think their words qnd axrions through while also wanting to be as good as Michael Phelps type mentality in their area of focus
But they don't have the discipline. So it's really a cognitive issue to keeping things together and less emotionality around each ball dropped or trying not to drop balls. This is why it's confusing with the therapist because the issues are small and yet they are getting larger than necessary emotional reactions if anyone calls them even just calmly on a ball that is dropped. But instead of the therapist helping the family have a lessee reactive behavior to small issues she's saying that we don't focus enough on feelings and I'm thinking all I asked was for him to clean his plate and put it in the dishwasher. Or if there is a safety issue I'm wondering why people are focused on feelings and not ensuring themselves and others that they are safe.

You don’t know how to perceive, understand, and manage feelings. You therapist is trying to help you. You are trying to get the therapist to train your family to react and behave the way you want and your family is sick of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kids are teenagers so it really isn't that different from one person to another. My husband can be more immature than them. It's mostly just adhd issues with executive function and communication difficulties. How to have better social and emotional conversations before they get worse. Just a lot of irritations over small stuff that I am hoping can be fixed with better communication

Cannot communicate feelings if you keep denying them.

[Anonymous]

Who is it with all this emotionally reactivity? Your husband? A kid? Both? Because you are really trying to hide the ball here on what is going on.

People with ADHD don’t like being reminded of what a hot mess they are. Some of them get really, really angry. Are the people with ADHD in this scenario on medication? If not, meds will help you a lot more than therapy will.

Do the people with ADHD think they have things to work on? Would they talk to an executive functioning coach?

Family therapy seems like a strange strategy without more insight into what else you are doing to solve ADHD problems.

[Anonymous]

CBT and DBT are far more effective for ADHD and anxiety than psychoanalysis talk therapy. My daughter was always more upset, anxious and frustrated after her sessions with a talk therapist and happy, motivated after sessions with a good DBT therapist. I think the first therapist was pretty bad but the difference in training also makes a difference.

[Anonymous]

You are repeatedly stating how you perceive the situation in your family.
How about how the other people in your family perceive it?
Do you hear them if their perception does not align with yours? Do you "allow" them to express their feelings/ideas openly?
Is this what the therapist is trying to get at?

If the communication in your family is not working, something needs to change. Why not let the professional you hired try to address the issue, even if it is not the way you would address it (which, according to you, is not working)?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Who is it with all this emotionally reactivity? Your husband? A kid? Both? Because you are really trying to hide the ball here on what is going on.

People with ADHD don’t like being reminded of what a hot mess they are. Some of them get really, really angry. Are the people with ADHD in this scenario on medication? If not, meds will help you a lot more than therapy will.

Do the people with ADHD think they have things to work on? Would they talk to an executive functioning coach?

Family therapy seems like a strange strategy without more insight into what else you are doing to solve ADHD problems.

We all have ADHD. I don't know what other therapy helps with communication for an entire family of ADHD people

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are repeatedly stating how you perceive the situation in your family.
How about how the other people in your family perceive it?
Do you hear them if their perception does not align with yours? Do you "allow" them to express their feelings/ideas openly?
Is this what the therapist is trying to get at?

If the communication in your family is not working, something needs to change. Why not let the professional you hired try to address the issue, even if it is not the way you would address it (which, according to you, is not working)?

Everyone in the family expresses their emotions openly. It's just a bit exhausting to have big emotions for small things regularly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who is it with all this emotionally reactivity? Your husband? A kid? Both? Because you are really trying to hide the ball here on what is going on.

People with ADHD don’t like being reminded of what a hot mess they are. Some of them get really, really angry. Are the people with ADHD in this scenario on medication? If not, meds will help you a lot more than therapy will.

Do the people with ADHD think they have things to work on? Would they talk to an executive functioning coach?

Family therapy seems like a strange strategy without more insight into what else you are doing to solve ADHD problems.

We all have ADHD. I don't know what other therapy helps with communication for an entire family of ADHD people

Right, you need meds, executive functioning coaches and an organizer — not therapy. Unless therapy is for a particular individual with comorbid anxiety and

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are repeatedly stating how you perceive the situation in your family.
How about how the other people in your family perceive it?
Do you hear them if their perception does not align with yours? Do you "allow" them to express their feelings/ideas openly?
Is this what the therapist is trying to get at?

If the communication in your family is not working, something needs to change. Why not let the professional you hired try to address the issue, even if it is not the way you would address it (which, according to you, is not working)?

That is the plan to listen. I am just wondering why if we have too many impulsive emotions like most ADHD families do, the issue is not enough emotions. Guess I'll find out. Have another session this week.