Therapist says we are busy doing and not feeling
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Anonymous
| At the second family therapy session the therapist said I hear a lot about what you are doing but not what you are feeling on a day to day basis. All of our issues are follow through, action-oriented implementation issues which then result in feelings because something went wrong and someone gets stressed and then communication breaks down. Someone didn't clean something up, didn't pay something on time etc. I don't really understand her assertion that somehow we should be feeling so much on a given day though so it's hard to respond to her. It's not like I don't have regular feelings, I just don't have strong feelings on a given day. If things are going well I feel mostly content and if things are not going well I feel somewhat stressed. I don't really feel anger and joy on a regular basis. I generally stay within the green and yellow zones of regulation. It has to be something really strong to feel really sad, mad, or joyous. Is there something I should be feeling on a regular basis in these columns? Why does it seem like this person thinks we should feel more on a standard day where work was ok, dinner happened, kids got to classes, and all that happened was a water bottle went missing. If no one dies or I don't get a promotion I don't see the reason to be in these zones. |
Anonymous
| Get a new therapist |
Anonymous
| If emotions aren't an issue, why are you in therapy? |
Anonymous
This. It sounds like she thinks you're not being honest with how you feel about it. Like you say something is no big deal and act like you aren't upset about it, but really you are just stewing and building resentment because it actually bothers you more than you're saying. |
Anonymous
| What brought you to therapy? Why on earth did you go? |
Anonymous
| She probably thinks you’re over scheduled or avoiding family dynamics by keeping the troops in motion. |
Anonymous
Right, because otherwise it just sounds like time management and division of labor issues. Maybe just sit with the idea for a while. |
Anonymous
| I see no problem with how you operate but from a therapy perspective it’s not helpful bc they focus on feelings over action. |
Anonymous
We are a bit overscheduled but people in my family have high goals and high goals take some work. It's hard to just turn off the activities already committed to as well. Sometimes people in the family become too demanding or too self-centered and then they say things that aren't considerate, or they say things without thinking or get impatient. Or they do something and then don't take responsibility for it or don't want to work with the other person who has the issue. One thing we'd done is try to reduce some activities for some additional family time but then people just go on phones and become even more moody and impulsive. It results in more feelings but not the positive kind. We went to therapy to learn how to converse better. How to stay in the green and yellow zones of regulation without getting into the red or blue zones over minor issues. |
Anonymous
| Busy, busy, busy to avoid having any real relationships? Is one of your children causing you worry? |
Anonymous
| I like being busy and I don't feel like I don't have relationships because of it. The people who are too emotional are the ones I feel it's very hard to have relationships with and quite frankly they are the ones who also never have time for my own feels. When I have a major problem and need to vent or get help on, these are the people that are most likely to be dismissive or avoid me because they can't handle another person's feels. If a child or my husband has a significant issue, I am more than happy to cancel things to work on the issue, but I'm not going to get worked up and pretend someone is being mean because they didn't clean up their plate or because someone told them to clean up their plate nor am I going to just let it go like it doesn't matter if they clean their plate. I don't see how everything has a major emotion tied to it. A lot of life is just daily maintenance, interpersonal civility, safety, and personal growth. |
Anonymous
OK |
Anonymous
| I don't understand why you're in therapy. We are similar, we don't get mad or upset over little things. We don't need therapy because we are all happy and communicate well. Is your issue that you all say everything is no big deal but really you're letting resentment and annoyance fester? I'm confused as to why therapy is in play here. |
Anonymous
| Like today someone went to the wrong place and said sorry about getting it wrong after I corrected them when they already had the correct info but couldn't bother to let me know they were safely at the right place. To me that is too much focus on emotion. Not enough on safety. I appreciate the apology. I'd rather know they were safe and not guessing where they are. |
Anonymous
| You have avoided revealing why you are in family therapy. That’s kind of the thing the therapist is saying. |