Therapist says we are busy doing and not feeling

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Reminds me of this quote from six feet under:
“Time flies when you’re having fun”
“No, time flies when you’re pretending to have fun”

Many people I’ve met who are constantly busy are avoiding facing some hard truths.

I remember thinking that show was sad, full of pathetic characters who just kept wallowing in their own self pity.

[Anonymous]

OP, I’m a adhd parent with adhd kids.

I have no idea if this is the right therapist or approach for your family. But I would encourage you to try to tune into the more subterranean emotions like fear, remorse, and shame. Over the years, I’ve realized that a lot of my reactivity has stemmed from fear — the fear that if my kid can’t do X now, they won’t be able to do Y in 5 years and Z in ten years. And that means disastrous things for their whole life. The fear taps into my own childhood too; I had pretty non-functional parents, whom I suspect desperately needed diagnoses themselves, so I have these living models for what happens when people don’t manage to get their sh*t together. Now the fear has the mass not only of an opaque future, but also of my ickiest past. It’s like a black hole, sucking everything in.

Meanwhile, the same situation — and my responses to it — can tap into my kids’ sense of shame about who they are and what they struggle with, and that shame has is own story that is much, much larger than the circumstances at hand.

All this means that an argument over the dishes can be, on the subterranean level, about something much bigger: whether they are okay, and whether they will *be* okay, and whether they are lovable, and loved, etc etc.

Michael Phelps-type goals can get mixed up in all of this, too — sometimes those goals take on meaning related to these questions. “If I can do ____, I’ll have proof that I’m worthy.” Which of course complicates things even further.

Like I say, I have no idea of this is the approach or therapy you need. But a question I’ve asked started asking myself, and that I try to encourage the kids to ask themselves, is “what am I making this mean?” I’ve found that very helpful for identifying the harder, less obvious emotions that are lurking beneath the surface.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kids are teenagers so it really isn't that different from one person to another. My husband can be more immature than them. It's mostly just adhd issues with executive function and communication difficulties. How to have better social and emotional conversations before they get worse. Just a lot of irritations over small stuff that I am hoping can be fixed with better communication

Just love your kids. Mistakes and all. Your trying to control everything is the problem.

Small things become escalated when there is a pattern of negative outcomes. Life is lived in small moments. That’s why emotions are tied to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I’m a adhd parent with adhd kids.

I have no idea if this is the right therapist or approach for your family. But I would encourage you to try to tune into the more subterranean emotions like fear, remorse, and shame. Over the years, I’ve realized that a lot of my reactivity has stemmed from fear — the fear that if my kid can’t do X now, they won’t be able to do Y in 5 years and Z in ten years. And that means disastrous things for their whole life. The fear taps into my own childhood too; I had pretty non-functional parents, whom I suspect desperately needed diagnoses themselves, so I have these living models for what happens when people don’t manage to get their sh*t together. Now the fear has the mass not only of an opaque future, but also of my ickiest past. It’s like a black hole, sucking everything in.

Meanwhile, the same situation — and my responses to it — can tap into my kids’ sense of shame about who they are and what they struggle with, and that shame has is own story that is much, much larger than the circumstances at hand.

All this means that an argument over the dishes can be, on the subterranean level, about something much bigger: whether they are okay, and whether they will *be* okay, and whether they are lovable, and loved, etc etc.

Michael Phelps-type goals can get mixed up in all of this, too — sometimes those goals take on meaning related to these questions. “If I can do ____, I’ll have proof that I’m worthy.” Which of course complicates things even further.

Like I say, I have no idea of this is the approach or therapy you need. But a question I’ve asked started asking myself, and that I try to encourage the kids to ask themselves, is “what am I making this mean?” I’ve found that very helpful for identifying the harder, less obvious emotions that are lurking beneath the surface.

Thank you. Can you be my therapist? LOL. But yes that's probably what she means. hiding the bigger emotions below everything. Although I have to say tiredness is a lot of what I feel. There is real physicality to adhd struggles that probably all of us feel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At the second family therapy session the therapist said I hear a lot about what you are doing but not what you are feeling on a day to day basis. All of our issues are follow through, action-oriented implementation issues which then result in feelings because something went wrong and someone gets stressed and then communication breaks down. Someone didn't clean something up, didn't pay something on time etc. I don't really understand her assertion that somehow we should be feeling so much on a given day though so it's hard to respond to her. It's not like I don't have regular feelings, I just don't have strong feelings on a given day. If things are going well I feel mostly content and if things are not going well I feel somewhat stressed. I don't really feel anger and joy on a regular basis. I generally stay within the green and yellow zones of regulation. It has to be something really strong to feel really sad, mad, or joyous. Is there something I should be feeling on a regular basis in these columns? Why does it seem like this person thinks we should feel more on a standard day where work was ok, dinner happened, kids got to classes, and all that happened was a water bottle went missing. If no one dies or I don't get a promotion I don't see the reason to be in these zones.

Your subject line makes sense

The body of this is quite rambling.

I think you need to stop being check the box and start paying attention, living and seeing others’ needs, then fulfilling those needs. That will be rewarding and enrich the relationships and connection - with your kids, your spouse, friends, family:

[Anonymous]

There are more emotions that what extreme ones you list OP (joy; anger, sadness).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If emotions aren't an issue, why are you in therapy?

This. It sounds like she thinks you're not being honest with how you feel about it. Like you say something is no big deal and act like you aren't upset about it, but really you are just stewing and building resentment because it actually bothers you more than you're saying.

It’s sounds like OP’s safe space is to ignore others’ emotions or reactions to things. Ie lack of empathy. And lack of compassion, since compassion is “empathy is action.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Busy, busy, busy to avoid having any real relationships? Is one of your children causing you worry?

More like being busy so they don’t have to deal with real issues. Immature and annoying

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why you're in therapy. We are similar, we don't get mad or upset over little things. We don't need therapy because we are all happy and communicate well. Is your issue that you all say everything is no big deal but really you're letting resentment and annoyance fester? I'm confused as to why therapy is in play here.

It’s either OP minimizes and invalidates others’ feelings or vice versa.

Which one is it OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Like today someone went to the wrong place and said sorry about getting it wrong after I corrected them when they already had the correct info but couldn't bother to let me know they were safely at the right place. To me that is too much focus on emotion. Not enough on safety. I appreciate the apology. I'd rather know they were safe and not guessing where they are.

WTF r u even saying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP said
All of our issues are follow through, action-oriented implementation issues which then result in feelings because something went wrong and someone gets stressed and then communication breaks down.

You know that mistakes are going to happen in life. And people are going to drop the ball sometimes. If your emotional state hangs on everything going according to plan, you're setting up for volatility. It's better to become more familiar with your feelings as they are regularly.

OP here. My thoughts exactly. But the problem is that whenever anyone drops the ball, instead of just seeing it as a ball to pick up it becomes a character disagreement. That is what is annoying and while there could be some autistic traits, the more prevalent issue in the family is adhd. Mostly hyperactive adhd. So people are impulsive and reactive snd dont think their words qnd axrions through while also wanting to be as good as Michael Phelps type mentality in their area of focus
But they don't have the discipline. So it's really a cognitive issue to keeping things together and less emotionality around each ball dropped or trying not to drop balls. This is why it's confusing with the therapist because the issues are small and yet they are getting larger than necessary emotional reactions if anyone calls them even just calmly on a ball that is dropped. But instead of the therapist helping the family have a lessee reactive behavior to small issues she's saying that we don't focus enough on feelings and I'm thinking all I asked was for him to clean his plate and put it in the dishwasher. Or if there is a safety issue I'm wondering why people are focused on feelings and not ensuring themselves and others that they are safe.

Ok.

Ball being dropped, deal with it.

PATTERN of balls being dropped, equals mental disorder, deal with that. Improve.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I also feel like I had a lot more rules than my kids have now and so did society. It's confusing because society seems torn on whether kids need more or less discipline in their lives.

Society is dictating your parenting and values and style! Oh Lordy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what are the words you would use to describe any emotions you have had in the last 24 hrs?

Happy when life went well. Frustrated when they didn't. Angry when someone else got angry at me by making a small issue bigger. . But 90 percent of the day was just happiness or anxiety or frustration or peace. More od the green and yellow areas of regulation

Yikes.
Textbook lack of understanding another’s perspective of feelings.
Also signifies lack of taking responsibly for one’s own behaviors and actions and decisions. Which obviously hurt or upset another person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what are the words you would use to describe any emotions you have had in the last 24 hrs?

Happy when life went well. Frustrated when they didn't. Angry when someone else got angry at me by making a small issue bigger. . But 90 percent of the day was just happiness or anxiety or frustration or peace. More od the green and yellow areas of regulation

Ie Passive and reactive

Who’s driving the bus for your family zoo? Anyone? Dumping on one parent?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kids are teenagers so it really isn't that different from one person to another. My husband can be more immature than them. It's mostly just adhd issues with executive function and communication difficulties. How to have better social and emotional conversations before they get worse. Just a lot of irritations over small stuff that I am hoping can be fixed with better communication

WHO is irritated? Everyone?

This riddle of disclosures is piss poor communication style. Yuck. Spit it out already OP.