Therapist says we are busy doing and not feeling

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are repeatedly stating how you perceive the situation in your family.
How about how the other people in your family perceive it?
Do you hear them if their perception does not align with yours? Do you "allow" them to express their feelings/ideas openly?
Is this what the therapist is trying to get at?

If the communication in your family is not working, something needs to change. Why not let the professional you hired try to address the issue, even if it is not the way you would address it (which, according to you, is not working)?

That is the plan to listen. I am just wondering why if we have too many impulsive emotions like most ADHD families do, the issue is not enough emotions. Guess I'll find out. Have another session this week.

Honestly, you need to switch therapists.

[Anonymous]

Reminds me of this quote from six feet under:
“Time flies when you’re having fun”
“No, time flies when you’re pretending to have fun”

Many people I’ve met who are constantly busy are avoiding facing some hard truths.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP said
All of our issues are follow through, action-oriented implementation issues which then result in feelings because something went wrong and someone gets stressed and then communication breaks down.

You know that mistakes are going to happen in life. And people are going to drop the ball sometimes. If your emotional state hangs on everything going according to plan, you're setting up for volatility. It's better to become more familiar with your feelings as they are regularly.

OP here. My thoughts exactly. But the problem is that whenever anyone drops the ball, instead of just seeing it as a ball to pick up it becomes a character disagreement. That is what is annoying and while there could be some autistic traits, the more prevalent issue in the family is adhd. Mostly hyperactive adhd. So people are impulsive and reactive snd dont think their words qnd axrions through while also wanting to be as good as Michael Phelps type mentality in their area of focus
But they don't have the discipline. So it's really a cognitive issue to keeping things together and less emotionality around each ball dropped or trying not to drop balls. This is why it's confusing with the therapist because the issues are small and yet they are getting larger than necessary emotional reactions if anyone calls them even just calmly on a ball that is dropped. But instead of the therapist helping the family have a lessee reactive behavior to small issues she's saying that we don't focus enough on feelings and I'm thinking all I asked was for him to clean his plate and put it in the dishwasher. Or if there is a safety issue I'm wondering why people are focused on feelings and not ensuring themselves and others that they are safe.

Everyone is over scheduled and burnt out, that is why they meltdown over dirty plates. As a parent your job is to prioritize family health and harmony not cater to future olympians or Ivy leaguers. Drop activities and electronics. Focus on chores and family dinners and downtime.

[Anonymous]

Maybe she means there is focus on getting the correct needed action to happen (plate in dishwasher, follow map directions, etc), and not dialogue around the guilt, shame and frustrations of constantly forgetting these things in and ADHD household and having it impact other people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are repeatedly stating how you perceive the situation in your family.
How about how the other people in your family perceive it?
Do you hear them if their perception does not align with yours? Do you "allow" them to express their feelings/ideas openly?
Is this what the therapist is trying to get at?

If the communication in your family is not working, something needs to change. Why not let the professional you hired try to address the issue, even if it is not the way you would address it (which, according to you, is not working)?

That is the plan to listen. I am just wondering why if we have too many impulsive emotions like most ADHD families do, the issue is not enough emotions. Guess I'll find out. Have another session this week.

Honestly, you need to switch therapists.

+1. This therapy isn’t going to help you guys. You need major practical help — which is things like medication, executive functioning coaches and someone to help organize your home and your schedule.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are repeatedly stating how you perceive the situation in your family.
How about how the other people in your family perceive it?
Do you hear them if their perception does not align with yours? Do you "allow" them to express their feelings/ideas openly?
Is this what the therapist is trying to get at?

If the communication in your family is not working, something needs to change. Why not let the professional you hired try to address the issue, even if it is not the way you would address it (which, according to you, is not working)?

Everyone in the family expresses their emotions openly. It's just a bit exhausting to have big emotions for small things regularly.

How is saying sorry for getting the location wrong a big emotion? The only one who seems to have big emotions is you, about what you think others emotions are.

[Anonymous]

OP, I don't know what the therapist is seeing during the sessions. Maybe when the others get emotionally activated you swing into a less emotional/more practical space. And, ironically, your moving into that space is an emotion-based response (to internal frustration). Therapist could be trying to get you to recognize and label what's going on inside with yourself when everyone is ramping up.

[Anonymous]

I agree with those who think you need to switch therapists.

But I am also the weirdo who sees nothing wrong with using exercise and other endorphin producing activities to manage my emotions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I don't know what the therapist is seeing during the sessions. Maybe when the others get emotionally activated you swing into a less emotional/more practical space. And, ironically, your moving into that space is an emotion-based response (to internal frustration). Therapist could be trying to get you to recognize and label what's going on inside with yourself when everyone is ramping up.

Yes that's it. And also letting go more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe she means there is focus on getting the correct needed action to happen (plate in dishwasher, follow map directions, etc), and not dialogue around the guilt, shame and frustrations of constantly forgetting these things in and ADHD household and having it impact other people.

Yes. Less dialog.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Reminds me of this quote from six feet under:
“Time flies when you’re having fun”
“No, time flies when you’re pretending to have fun”

Many people I’ve met who are constantly busy are avoiding facing some hard truths.

Such as what? Why would a kid not be busy? The world is fascinating and its fascinating as an adult as well. We find the world fascinating. So what? What hard truths are we missing? We hang out at home some and find equally stimulating ways to do things as a family together.
People I know who don't do much are often heavy and depressed. And jealous and angry. They also have a lot of narcissistic traits and I think they don't do some stuff because they can't figure out how to be amazing at it and also cook. They have difficulty with interpersonal skills and being vulnerable around others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Who is it with all this emotionally reactivity? Your husband? A kid? Both? Because you are really trying to hide the ball here on what is going on.

People with ADHD don’t like being reminded of what a hot mess they are. Some of them get really, really angry. Are the people with ADHD in this scenario on medication? If not, meds will help you a lot more than therapy will.

Do the people with ADHD think they have things to work on? Would they talk to an executive functioning coach?

Family therapy seems like a strange strategy without more insight into what else you are doing to solve ADHD problems.

OP, you need a therapist/coach with expertise re: executive function challenges, not talk therapy. You can't communicate out of ADHD. Get a good meds strategy in place for ADHD and anxiety FIRST or you are wasting your time and money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who is it with all this emotionally reactivity? Your husband? A kid? Both? Because you are really trying to hide the ball here on what is going on.

People with ADHD don’t like being reminded of what a hot mess they are. Some of them get really, really angry. Are the people with ADHD in this scenario on medication? If not, meds will help you a lot more than therapy will.

Do the people with ADHD think they have things to work on? Would they talk to an executive functioning coach?

Family therapy seems like a strange strategy without more insight into what else you are doing to solve ADHD problems.

OP, you need a therapist/coach with expertise re: executive function challenges, not talk therapy. You can't communicate out of ADHD. Get a good meds strategy in place for ADHD and anxiety FIRST or you are wasting your time and money.

The people in the family that it affects more are on medication. Others aren't and it seems a lot to go on medication for small issues during the day. But worth considering a low dose for the others. Anxiety meds have caused more problems than they have solved in my family. I have heard more omega 3 helps so we've been trying this all as a family.

[Anonymous]

Therapist is just saying she doesn't know what to tell you but has to say something to get paid. Run from that con artist.

[Anonymous]

Many therapists have no idea what they are doing and are just grasping at straws and trying to keep the conversation going.