Therapist says we are busy doing and not feeling

[Anonymous]

Communication breakdowns because honestly too much emotion and not enough standards

[Anonymous]

Are you autistic?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I like being busy and I don't feel like I don't have relationships because of it. The people who are too emotional are the ones I feel it's very hard to have relationships with and quite frankly they are the ones who also never have time for my own feels. When I have a major problem and need to vent or get help on, these are the people that are most likely to be dismissive or avoid me because they can't handle another person's feels. If a child or my husband has a significant issue, I am more than happy to cancel things to work on the issue, but I'm not going to get worked up and pretend someone is being mean because they didn't clean up their plate or because someone told them to clean up their plate nor am I going to just let it go like it doesn't matter if they clean their plate. I don't see how everything has a major emotion tied to it. A lot of life is just daily maintenance, interpersonal civility, safety, and personal growth.

It sounds like not all your family members have this approach to life and emotions and you may be overly rigid about insisting everyone be like you. If small things are resulting in big blowups, that usually means people have emotional needs that aren't being met. So like the feel ignored or unheard all week and then someone doesn't clear plates from the table when asked and it's a big meltdown because it sends them over the edge.

To put it in your color parlance, you may think people are in the green or yellow zone but they are actually on orange and it's being ignored, so it's a surprise when the suddenly go red. The therapist wants you guys to be more in touch with the yellow/orange feelings and address them soon to reduce how often things ratchet up to red or blue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Communication breakdowns because honestly too much emotion and not enough standards

Saying sorry because they got the location wrong isn't too much emotion lol. The issue is that you're annoyed (emotion) that they didn't check in when they got to the right location. Which is easily solved by saying "no need to say you're sorry. But next time please let me know youve gotten to the right location". Are you autistic by chance? In your few responses here you kind of remind me of my brother and how he thinks. Which definitely causes communication issues at times.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Like today someone went to the wrong place and said sorry about getting it wrong after I corrected them when they already had the correct info but couldn't bother to let me know they were safely at the right place. To me that is too much focus on emotion. Not enough on safety. I appreciate the apology. I'd rather know they were safe and not guessing where they are.

Ok this is fascinating because it sounds like they were safe-- they are fine now, yes? So actually this story is about YOUR feelings-- your fear when you didn't know they were safe and your frustration when you found out they had made a mistake.

I think this is what your therapist is talking about. You are not recognizing your own feelings and you are looking only at external factors and not how your own feelings are impacting the situation (and increasing the intensity and stress).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She probably thinks you’re over scheduled or avoiding family dynamics by keeping the troops in motion.

We are a bit overscheduled but people in my family have high goals and high goals take some work. It's hard to just turn off the activities already committed to as well. Sometimes people in the family become too demanding or too self-centered and then they say things that aren't considerate, or they say things without thinking or get impatient. Or they do something and then don't take responsibility for it or don't want to work with the other person who has the issue. One thing we'd done is try to reduce some activities for some additional family time but then people just go on phones and become even more moody and impulsive. It results in more feelings but not the positive kind. We went to therapy to learn how to converse better. How to stay in the green and yellow zones of regulation without getting into the red or blue zones over minor issues.

Who are the ones with high goals and who is go8ng along to get along?

[Anonymous]

You sound really controlling

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If emotions aren't an issue, why are you in therapy?

Even after subsequent posts, this is still my question, and I'm new here.

[Anonymous]

OP said
All of our issues are follow through, action-oriented implementation issues which then result in feelings because something went wrong and someone gets stressed and then communication breaks down.

You know that mistakes are going to happen in life. And people are going to drop the ball sometimes. If your emotional state hangs on everything going according to plan, you're setting up for volatility. It's better to become more familiar with your feelings as they are regularly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP said
All of our issues are follow through, action-oriented implementation issues which then result in feelings because something went wrong and someone gets stressed and then communication breaks down.

You know that mistakes are going to happen in life. And people are going to drop the ball sometimes. If your emotional state hangs on everything going according to plan, you're setting up for volatility. It's better to become more familiar with your feelings as they are regularly.

OP here. My thoughts exactly. But the problem is that whenever anyone drops the ball, instead of just seeing it as a ball to pick up it becomes a character disagreement. That is what is annoying and while there could be some autistic traits, the more prevalent issue in the family is adhd. Mostly hyperactive adhd. So people are impulsive and reactive snd dont think their words qnd axrions through while also wanting to be as good as Michael Phelps type mentality in their area of focus
But they don't have the discipline. So it's really a cognitive issue to keeping things together and less emotionality around each ball dropped or trying not to drop balls. This is why it's confusing with the therapist because the issues are small and yet they are getting larger than necessary emotional reactions if anyone calls them even just calmly on a ball that is dropped. But instead of the therapist helping the family have a lessee reactive behavior to small issues she's saying that we don't focus enough on feelings and I'm thinking all I asked was for him to clean his plate and put it in the dishwasher. Or if there is a safety issue I'm wondering why people are focused on feelings and not ensuring themselves and others that they are safe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At the second family therapy session the therapist said I hear a lot about what you are doing but not what you are feeling on a day to day basis. All of our issues are follow through, action-oriented implementation issues which then result in feelings because something went wrong and someone gets stressed and then communication breaks down. Someone didn't clean something up, didn't pay something on time etc. I don't really understand her assertion that somehow we should be feeling so much on a given day though so it's hard to respond to her. It's not like I don't have regular feelings, I just don't have strong feelings on a given day. If things are going well I feel mostly content and if things are not going well I feel somewhat stressed. I don't really feel anger and joy on a regular basis. I generally stay within the green and yellow zones of regulation. It has to be something really strong to feel really sad, mad, or joyous. Is there something I should be feeling on a regular basis in these columns? Why does it seem like this person thinks we should feel more on a standard day where work was ok, dinner happened, kids got to classes, and all that happened was a water bottle went missing. If no one dies or I don't get a promotion I don't see the reason to be in these zones.

Honestly, screw therapists. Most are so harmful to people and their relationships. They are meddlesome shits and most are so effed up in their own lives they have no business counseling others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If emotions aren't an issue, why are you in therapy?

Even after subsequent posts, this is still my question, and I'm new here.

Emotions are an issue. Too many of them for small things.

[Anonymous]

I also feel like I had a lot more rules than my kids have now and so did society. It's confusing because society seems torn on whether kids need more or less discipline in their lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At the second family therapy session the therapist said I hear a lot about what you are doing but not what you are feeling on a day to day basis. All of our issues are follow through, action-oriented implementation issues which then result in feelings because something went wrong and someone gets stressed and then communication breaks down. Someone didn't clean something up, didn't pay something on time etc. I don't really understand her assertion that somehow we should be feeling so much on a given day though so it's hard to respond to her. It's not like I don't have regular feelings, I just don't have strong feelings on a given day. If things are going well I feel mostly content and if things are not going well I feel somewhat stressed. I don't really feel anger and joy on a regular basis. I generally stay within the green and yellow zones of regulation. It has to be something really strong to feel really sad, mad, or joyous. Is there something I should be feeling on a regular basis in these columns? Why does it seem like this person thinks we should feel more on a standard day where work was ok, dinner happened, kids got to classes, and all that happened was a water bottle went missing. If no one dies or I don't get a promotion I don't see the reason to be in these zones.

Honestly, screw therapists. Most are so harmful to people and their relationships. They are meddlesome shits and most are so effed up in their own lives they have no business counseling others.

Well I'm sure she has a point that I have to meet my kids emotionally more but I just wish it was at a different place like perhaps meeting on things they care about and want support on rather than the dishes for the night. I'm tired of something like the dishes being an emotionally charged activity

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At the second family therapy session the therapist said I hear a lot about what you are doing but not what you are feeling on a day to day basis. All of our issues are follow through, action-oriented implementation issues which then result in feelings because something went wrong and someone gets stressed and then communication breaks down. Someone didn't clean something up, didn't pay something on time etc. I don't really understand her assertion that somehow we should be feeling so much on a given day though so it's hard to respond to her. It's not like I don't have regular feelings, I just don't have strong feelings on a given day. If things are going well I feel mostly content and if things are not going well I feel somewhat stressed. I don't really feel anger and joy on a regular basis. I generally stay within the green and yellow zones of regulation. It has to be something really strong to feel really sad, mad, or joyous. Is there something I should be feeling on a regular basis in these columns? Why does it seem like this person thinks we should feel more on a standard day where work was ok, dinner happened, kids got to classes, and all that happened was a water bottle went missing. If no one dies or I don't get a promotion I don't see the reason to be in these zones.

Honestly, screw therapists. Most are so harmful to people and their relationships. They are meddlesome shits and most are so effed up in their own lives they have no business counseling others.

Well I'm sure she has a point that I have to meet my kids emotionally more but I just wish it was at a different place like perhaps meeting on things they care about and want support on rather than the dishes for the night. I'm tired of something like the dishes being an emotionally charged activity

But as someone said earlier, they are bottling up their emotional needs and it is coming out at the wrong time. Y’all are out of sync in terms of emotions