S/O is anyone not bothered by the “mental load”?

[Anonymous]

Meh to each her own. I don't like having to tell my grown husband what to buy for groceries or book a doctors appointment or text his mom or buy a gift for so and so. If you're happy to manage your life, your kids life and your husbands life that is great. There are many people that dont like parenting our partners.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband just left 20 minutes early for sports practice so as not to help get ready for the cleaning lady. Be grateful for all the help you get.

Get ready for the cleaning lady? What?

[Anonymous]

I have really great executive function skills. DH’s are terrible. I handle everything. He makes a lot of money. It works for us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have really great executive function skills. DH’s are terrible. I handle everything. He makes a lot of money. It works for us.

lol he doesn’t have “terrible EF skills.” he doesn’t prioritize it because you do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have really great executive function skills. DH’s are terrible. I handle everything. He makes a lot of money. It works for us.

lol he doesn’t have “terrible EF skills.” he doesn’t prioritize it because you do it.

I am sure there is learned incompetence there. But mine are really great. And I like doing that kind of stuff. I handled stuff for my parents when I was a kid! I would make an awesome executive assistant.

[Anonymous]

I married a man who is much more organized and type A than me. He keeps our Google calendar and sends me invites so I don’t forget kids lessons, rehearsals, practices, and dinners. I do everything as spontaneously as possible, from whipping up dinner with whatever is in hand to taking the kids by bus to nyc or by plane to Atlanta or wherever. I’m a professional and my job requires some planning of course, but have always been a by the seat of the pants type. I have a million emails— he has inbox zero. At the moment I’m at a rock concert with my kids on a school night.

[Anonymous]

I think it's extra hard if your job has a big mental load component. Mine does.

[Anonymous]

Agree the mental load isn't nearly as big a deal as some people here make it out to be.

Obv this is different than having to do all or most of the parenting and housework yourself.

[Anonymous]

You, PPs, seem to have husband's who either pitch in or at least appreciate you doing it all.

I do all the parenting and the housework myself. My husband does NOTHING. I don't mind. What I do mind, however, is his complete lack of understanding and appreciation of what it takes to raise a child.

For example, back when our daughter was in daycare, he didn’t understand the effort to get her ready in the mornings. He kept saying: "Just stop celebrating and take her to the daycare!"

I work part-time (lawyer) because he leaves at 5 a.m. and comes home in the evening, too tired to do anything.

To top it all, he is pressuring me to start earning significantly more, an amount approaching his salary. I currently earn 200k, he averages almost 1m. When I point out the child-related duties, his reply:"It's your fault, hire a nanny!"

You can imagine my resentment. I just hope that my daughter will not end up thinking that this setup is normal.

[Anonymous]

I'm not bothered by it but my husband has his own mental load as well, plus many things we do jointly.

My mental load:
- I buy all the kids' clothes (we have all girls, not that this really matters but I do think it makes it easier for it to be my job)
- I handle the logistics for the kids' sport (it's one I also do so again, it makes the most sense for me to do it)
- I handle grocery ordering (I keep a list and everyone writes on it and then we discuss weekly meals but I place the actual order)
- I sign the kids up for summer camps (but the ones they do involve their sport so again it makes more sense for me to do it)
- I communicate with the weekly cleaners
- I plan the parties we host
- I deal with my aging mother (my dad died years ago and I'm an only child)

My husband's mental load:
- He deals with all things outside the house (i.e. gardeners, lighting, security, maintenance)
- He deals with all HOA-related things (our HOA is insanely picky)
- He schedules the dogs' vet appointments (I wanted and love the dogs as much as he does)
- He handles everything electrical/mechanical in the house (wifi, cable, electricity, HVAC, light bulbs, etc.)
- He fixes whatever is broken inside or outside of the house (toilet clogged, leaves in gutters, broken garage door, whatever)
- He does all things trash and recycling-related (i.e. weekly pickup and disposal of large items)
- He handles everything related to the cars (except I do put my own gas in when I'm driving or charge when I get home, depending on which car I'm driving)
- He deals with everything related to his family

Our joint mental load:
- We jointly plan vacations
- We both communicate with the nanny (we have a text chain with the three of us but also two separate chains in case I'm busy with work and they need to discuss something they're not blowing up my phone)
- We jointly handle the kids' medical/dental appointments (generally the one who takes them schedules the next appointment, otherwise either one of us will take them or call to make an appointment as necessary)
- We both read and respond to school emails

We both WFH, and we make around the same amount and always have (within about $75K of each other). We both get the kids up and ready in the mornings, we both walk/play with the dogs, we both take the kids to their sport (I just handle the logistics of it with scheduling, equipment, travel, etc.), we both cook, we both clean up, we both execute party prep and hosting duties (although I do the planning).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was fine w the mental load while my DH appreciated me. Then we had a few serious health and financial issues come up, and I realized he couldn’t and wouldn’t step up when I needed more support. I wish he had done more or at least been aware of all I did, so that I could have gotten help when I needed it. It bothered me all along that he didn’t do more than just work. I was his secretary, chef, personal shopper and entertainment in addition to doing and being everything for two very busy kids, now grown. We didn’t even know the term “mental load” when my kids were young, but now that I know about weaponized incompetence, gaslighting, etc, I wish I had done things differently.

Did you work?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do the mental load and most of the hands on parenting, and my husband recognizes I do it and thanks me regularly. Like, “wow I’m so glad you are keeping track of all this stuff so I don’t have to think about it, I couldn’t do what I do without you.” It helps that his job involves shouldering a huge mental load for work so he understands that keeping track of everything that needs done is work too, not just the doing! I would not be as happy doing it if it were not appreciated.

Do you work?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know my wife thinks she handles all the mental load because the things that mean a lot to her are “mental load” and the things that I handle “are things you were going to do anyway.”

This is a good point. I'm a wife, and I do try really hard to acknowledge when something is of my own doing. Sure, it adds to my mental load in total, but it's a separate mental load from the one related to our family. Of course, if the non-family mental load gets too heavy (whether it's work, elder care, or something else), I can ask my husband to step up, but in general, when discussing our various responsibilities, I am aware that some things aren't/shouldn't be his load to bear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I organize and plan pretty much everything for my family and it doesn’t bother me. My husband and I work FT - he’s WAH, I’m WOH - about equal hours, but he makes three times what I do. We have three kids and share most of the housework (just hired cleaners to come every two weeks), but I do all of the cooking and he does all of the laundry. He does a lot of the hands on parenting while I am the one enrolling in camps, organizing birthday parties, planning vacations etc. (and also staying on top of our finances). I’m pretty Type A and a natural planner so it really doesn’t bother me and I don’t feel bogged down by it. I guess it’s hard for me to understand why some people feel like it’s so intolerable - it’s just part of being an adult! You would have a mental load even if it were just you!

So you have a partner who does his fair share even if it's different than what you do, and you pretend to not understand why women who do it all feel bothered?

This is OP and I am referring specifically to those who complain about having to bear the mental load. Not those without an equal partner.

I think the point is, there is the mental load (thinking) and the load (doing). When you have to do both the thinking and the doing, it's a lot. In your case you get to do more of the thinking because your husband is doing more of the doing. The doing HAS to get done, but when you have to do all of that PLUS do the thinking, that's when people break and complain.

[Anonymous]

I think from the responses on this thread, it's not the mental load (planning vacations, planning appts, decorating, holiday planning, signing kids up for camps), it's the actual load that's hard.

DH does none of the mental load, but will he take the kids to a Dr. Appt? Does he do all the drop offs? Does he cook dinner and help clean? Yep. I just have to tell him to do it, but he's happy to do it. He actually asks me for a honey do list and he's not being sarcastic about that. I basically am his boss, but it's a job I'm good at. We both work the same amount, I'm just better at planning things out, especially with respect to kids, holidays, vacations and our house.

Oh and shopping for kids stuff? That's one of the top perks of being a parent!! Getting all the Christmas gifts, birthday gifts, stuffing the Easter basket? Super fun in my mind. Even clothes shopping for them is fun.