S/O is anyone not bothered by the “mental load”?

[Anonymous]

I organize and plan pretty much everything for my family and it doesn’t bother me. My husband and I work FT - he’s WAH, I’m WOH - about equal hours, but he makes three times what I do. We have three kids and share most of the housework (just hired cleaners to come every two weeks), but I do all of the cooking and he does all of the laundry. He does a lot of the hands on parenting while I am the one enrolling in camps, organizing birthday parties, planning vacations etc. (and also staying on top of our finances). I’m pretty Type A and a natural planner so it really doesn’t bother me and I don’t feel bogged down by it. I guess it’s hard for me to understand why some people feel like it’s so intolerable - it’s just part of being an adult! You would have a mental load even if it were just you!

[Anonymous]

I do all the mental load and I'm OK with it. I'm a control freak though, so it suits me just fine!

[Anonymous]

Yes, normalcy is not valued
That said, congratulations on your executive functioning skills

[Anonymous]

I plan all our trips, appts, clothes, camps, school registration. But my husband does all drop offs and pickups! And he will take dd to appts if instructed.

DH does the mental load for the house and car though so I can’t complain.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I organize and plan pretty much everything for my family and it doesn’t bother me. My husband and I work FT - he’s WAH, I’m WOH - about equal hours, but he makes three times what I do. We have three kids and share most of the housework (just hired cleaners to come every two weeks), but I do all of the cooking and he does all of the laundry. He does a lot of the hands on parenting while I am the one enrolling in camps, organizing birthday parties, planning vacations etc. (and also staying on top of our finances). I’m pretty Type A and a natural planner so it really doesn’t bother me and I don’t feel bogged down by it. I guess it’s hard for me to understand why some people feel like it’s so intolerable - it’s just part of being an adult! You would have a mental load even if it were just you!

He is doing a lot of the mental load though.

[Anonymous]

Because when women complain about this, it’s often because they ALSO do most of the hands-on parenting, housework, etc. It’s the division of labor that matters. Also relative salaries shouldn’t necessarily determine the division of labor at home, but it especially grates when the woman earns or outearns her lazy-*ss husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I organize and plan pretty much everything for my family and it doesn’t bother me. My husband and I work FT - he’s WAH, I’m WOH - about equal hours, but he makes three times what I do. We have three kids and share most of the housework (just hired cleaners to come every two weeks), but I do all of the cooking and he does all of the laundry. He does a lot of the hands on parenting while I am the one enrolling in camps, organizing birthday parties, planning vacations etc. (and also staying on top of our finances). I’m pretty Type A and a natural planner so it really doesn’t bother me and I don’t feel bogged down by it. I guess it’s hard for me to understand why some people feel like it’s so intolerable - it’s just part of being an adult! You would have a mental load even if it were just you!

It is not the mental load itself that is intolerable. It is living with another adult day in and day out who isn't being a partner, but rather a mooch, and who feels like an additional child. And then you lose attraction for this man-child because he seems so inept/weak/not supportive. Then he becomes resentful too. Some marriages feel this way. Yours does not because your partner pitches in. Congrats.

[Anonymous]

We split it. He loves signing the kids up for camps and planning vacations. I love clothing shopping and gift-shopping and party planning. I do our laundry, he does our cooking. We're both Type A and it runs very smoothly.

[Anonymous]

I was fine w the mental load while my DH appreciated me. Then we had a few serious health and financial issues come up, and I realized he couldn’t and wouldn’t step up when I needed more support. I wish he had done more or at least been aware of all I did, so that I could have gotten help when I needed it. It bothered me all along that he didn’t do more than just work. I was his secretary, chef, personal shopper and entertainment in addition to doing and being everything for two very busy kids, now grown. We didn’t even know the term “mental load” when my kids were young, but now that I know about weaponized incompetence, gaslighting, etc, I wish I had done things differently.

[Anonymous]

A good couple divides and conquer, not cheat and compete.

[Anonymous]

It doesn’t bother you because you have a partner that is also fully participating in your kids’ lives. The mental load is burdensome when you carry that that PLUS all the other stuff your husband is doing. That being said, if you have to micromanage your husband to do all that stuff, that’s a problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I organize and plan pretty much everything for my family and it doesn’t bother me. My husband and I work FT - he’s WAH, I’m WOH - about equal hours, but he makes three times what I do. We have three kids and share most of the housework (just hired cleaners to come every two weeks), but I do all of the cooking and he does all of the laundry. He does a lot of the hands on parenting while I am the one enrolling in camps, organizing birthday parties, planning vacations etc. (and also staying on top of our finances). I’m pretty Type A and a natural planner so it really doesn’t bother me and I don’t feel bogged down by it. I guess it’s hard for me to understand why some people feel like it’s so intolerable - it’s just part of being an adult! You would have a mental load even if it were just you!

It is not the mental load itself that is intolerable. It is living with another adult day in and day out who isn't being a partner, but rather a mooch, and who feels like an additional child. And then you lose attraction for this man-child because he seems so inept/weak/not supportive. Then he becomes resentful too. Some marriages feel this way. Yours does not because your partner pitches in. Congrats.

Eh, I'm the control freak above. I'm in charge of all the investments, money, kids, vacations, house, etc. I have way more time at my desk job to manage everything. He works on his feet and does not have a lot of down time. He will do things when I ask/create a list/schedule. I guess I like it this way and I'm good at it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I organize and plan pretty much everything for my family and it doesn’t bother me. My husband and I work FT - he’s WAH, I’m WOH - about equal hours, but he makes three times what I do. We have three kids and share most of the housework (just hired cleaners to come every two weeks), but I do all of the cooking and he does all of the laundry. He does a lot of the hands on parenting while I am the one enrolling in camps, organizing birthday parties, planning vacations etc. (and also staying on top of our finances). I’m pretty Type A and a natural planner so it really doesn’t bother me and I don’t feel bogged down by it. I guess it’s hard for me to understand why some people feel like it’s so intolerable - it’s just part of being an adult! You would have a mental load even if it were just you!

It’s hard for you to understand because your spouse is sharing the mental load.

[Anonymous]

I do the mental load and most of the hands on parenting, and my husband recognizes I do it and thanks me regularly. Like, “wow I’m so glad you are keeping track of all this stuff so I don’t have to think about it, I couldn’t do what I do without you.” It helps that his job involves shouldering a huge mental load for work so he understands that keeping track of everything that needs done is work too, not just the doing! I would not be as happy doing it if it were not appreciated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do all the mental load and I'm OK with it. I'm a control freak though, so it suits me just fine!

Same. I love researching and organizing and am fine with owning it.