DH pressuring me to do something I can't

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you don't want to share, that's fine, but I do wonder from the way you talk about it if it's all or nothing - if you can't do it all the way, at the level you did before, then you don't want to do it at all.

Are there ways to do it that aren't all encompassing? Like, this isn't a great exmaple, but snorkeling for a while and not scuba? Or if it's skiing, doing the greens and not the blacks because you don't want knee surgery. Or maybe you don't jump horses, but you start trail riding or you start lessons or you volunteer at a stables or whatever.

It sounds like there are logistical hurdles - but sometimes people over inflate logistics just to say no, or their depression/anxiety over inflates logistics. Maybe thinking there's no time limit? So sure, you need surgery, but that's one step on the road to recovery. And if it takes months, well, that's ok.

ALl in all, I'd encourage you to rethink and all or nothing approach in general - seeking pleasure from what is, not from what you think it should be. And start to think of adjacent ways to get a fix of that hobby.

This is really helpful. Thanks.

A few years ago, I did try greens and not the blacks, to use your example. I got SO MUCH pushback from other participants because this is activity where it's clear I'm at a higher level. But maybe I need to push back at those people myself. That's a really good reminder.

I love this, OP! Love that you are already seeing the situation through a different lens. Frankly, I'd love re-engaging in something and people could see I was really good. And if you get pushback, just shrug and say something like: I'm certainly not where I was, but it's just good to be back doing X. And you love to see so many others who also love what you love. (That's the super nice version, when really I would want to say, Back off, batches.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you don't want to share, that's fine, but I do wonder from the way you talk about it if it's all or nothing - if you can't do it all the way, at the level you did before, then you don't want to do it at all.

Are there ways to do it that aren't all encompassing? Like, this isn't a great exmaple, but snorkeling for a while and not scuba? Or if it's skiing, doing the greens and not the blacks because you don't want knee surgery. Or maybe you don't jump horses, but you start trail riding or you start lessons or you volunteer at a stables or whatever.

It sounds like there are logistical hurdles - but sometimes people over inflate logistics just to say no, or their depression/anxiety over inflates logistics. Maybe thinking there's no time limit? So sure, you need surgery, but that's one step on the road to recovery. And if it takes months, well, that's ok.

ALl in all, I'd encourage you to rethink and all or nothing approach in general - seeking pleasure from what is, not from what you think it should be. And start to think of adjacent ways to get a fix of that hobby.

This is really helpful. Thanks.

A few years ago, I did try greens and not the blacks, to use your example. I got SO MUCH pushback from other participants because this is activity where it's clear I'm at a higher level. But maybe I need to push back at those people myself. That's a really good reminder.

I love this, OP! Love that you are already seeing the situation through a different lens. Frankly, I'd love re-engaging in something and people could see I was really good. And if you get pushback, just shrug and say something like: I'm certainly not where I was, but it's just good to be back doing X. And you love to see so many others who also love what you love. (That's the super nice version, when really I would want to say, Back off, batches.)

Batches Clearly auto-correct was helping me out.

[Anonymous]

Obviously, I don’t know the details, but I have had a couple of opportunities recently to do some thing that I’ve always really enjoyed and did not think was practical anymore since I had kids, and in both cases, my husband really pushed me to do it, and went out of his way to make it possible, and I am so glad because it has brought me great joy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you don't want to share, that's fine, but I do wonder from the way you talk about it if it's all or nothing - if you can't do it all the way, at the level you did before, then you don't want to do it at all.

Are there ways to do it that aren't all encompassing? Like, this isn't a great exmaple, but snorkeling for a while and not scuba? Or if it's skiing, doing the greens and not the blacks because you don't want knee surgery. Or maybe you don't jump horses, but you start trail riding or you start lessons or you volunteer at a stables or whatever.

It sounds like there are logistical hurdles - but sometimes people over inflate logistics just to say no, or their depression/anxiety over inflates logistics. Maybe thinking there's no time limit? So sure, you need surgery, but that's one step on the road to recovery. And if it takes months, well, that's ok.

ALl in all, I'd encourage you to rethink and all or nothing approach in general - seeking pleasure from what is, not from what you think it should be. And start to think of adjacent ways to get a fix of that hobby.

This is really helpful. Thanks.

A few years ago, I did try greens and not the blacks, to use your example. I got SO MUCH pushback from other participants because this is activity where it's clear I'm at a higher level. But maybe I need to push back at those people myself. That's a really good reminder.

I am SO curious what this mystery activity is and wish you would just tell us!

What kind of pushback? Like people you knew from your semi-pro days are disappointed you’re not pushing it to get back to it? From other people on the greens and blues pissed that you’re taking up space on their crowded slope when you could be on the empty other side of the mountain? It’s really hard to imagine why anyone else would care what you do with your own body/free time.

[Anonymous]

Do not satisfy the curiosity of random. I don't understand why some posters here got on the bandwagon of pressuring op. What triggers some people to insist others do things they explicitly say no to?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you don't want to share, that's fine, but I do wonder from the way you talk about it if it's all or nothing - if you can't do it all the way, at the level you did before, then you don't want to do it at all.

Are there ways to do it that aren't all encompassing? Like, this isn't a great exmaple, but snorkeling for a while and not scuba? Or if it's skiing, doing the greens and not the blacks because you don't want knee surgery. Or maybe you don't jump horses, but you start trail riding or you start lessons or you volunteer at a stables or whatever.

It sounds like there are logistical hurdles - but sometimes people over inflate logistics just to say no, or their depression/anxiety over inflates logistics. Maybe thinking there's no time limit? So sure, you need surgery, but that's one step on the road to recovery. And if it takes months, well, that's ok.

ALl in all, I'd encourage you to rethink and all or nothing approach in general - seeking pleasure from what is, not from what you think it should be. And start to think of adjacent ways to get a fix of that hobby.

This is really helpful. Thanks.

A few years ago, I did try greens and not the blacks, to use your example. I got SO MUCH pushback from other participants because this is activity where it's clear I'm at a higher level. But maybe I need to push back at those people myself. That's a really good reminder.

I am SO curious what this mystery activity is and wish you would just tell us!

What kind of pushback? Like people you knew from your semi-pro days are disappointed you’re not pushing it to get back to it? From other people on the greens and blues pissed that you’re taking up space on their crowded slope when you could be on the empty other side of the mountain? It’s really hard to imagine why anyone else would care what you do with your own body/free time.

Not OP, but I used to do a form of martial arts and was pretty advanced and won quite a few competitions. After taking time off to have DS and an injury, I couldn't go back to the level I was at so I joined the beginner/intermediate classes at my local studio. Definitely got some pushback/gossip from some people who knew the level I had been at.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you don't want to share, that's fine, but I do wonder from the way you talk about it if it's all or nothing - if you can't do it all the way, at the level you did before, then you don't want to do it at all.

Are there ways to do it that aren't all encompassing? Like, this isn't a great exmaple, but snorkeling for a while and not scuba? Or if it's skiing, doing the greens and not the blacks because you don't want knee surgery. Or maybe you don't jump horses, but you start trail riding or you start lessons or you volunteer at a stables or whatever.

It sounds like there are logistical hurdles - but sometimes people over inflate logistics just to say no, or their depression/anxiety over inflates logistics. Maybe thinking there's no time limit? So sure, you need surgery, but that's one step on the road to recovery. And if it takes months, well, that's ok.

ALl in all, I'd encourage you to rethink and all or nothing approach in general - seeking pleasure from what is, not from what you think it should be. And start to think of adjacent ways to get a fix of that hobby.

This is really helpful. Thanks.

A few years ago, I did try greens and not the blacks, to use your example. I got SO MUCH pushback from other participants because this is activity where it's clear I'm at a higher level. But maybe I need to push back at those people myself. That's a really good reminder.

I am SO curious what this mystery activity is and wish you would just tell us!

What kind of pushback? Like people you knew from your semi-pro days are disappointed you’re not pushing it to get back to it? From other people on the greens and blues pissed that you’re taking up space on their crowded slope when you could be on the empty other side of the mountain? It’s really hard to imagine why anyone else would care what you do with your own body/free time.

Just out of college, I flew for a charter outfit for 6 months. I immediately knew it wasn't the lifestyle I wanted, so I quit, found a normal job, and went back to flight instructing on the weekends. Then the normal job transferred me, I wasn't able to find new students afterward, couldn't afford it on my own, then I got married, had kids, developed a health problem (T1D) that isn't insurmountable but would take effort to clear, and so on. Then there's the kids' schedules and my constant exhaustion and lack of free time. Literally, it's just a ton of stupid hurdles that are a nightmare put together.

Last year, I walked into the local flight school and asked if I could do a few flights with an instructor. They were happy to oblige twice, then got pushy about me getting the T1D worked out so I could go alone. I suppose I was taking time away from real students.

That's where I am.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do not satisfy the curiosity of random. I don't understand why some posters here got on the bandwagon of pressuring op. What triggers some people to insist others do things they explicitly say no to?

I don't think anyone is pressuring OP. People are giving suggestions. Op says she misses the activity, is lonely and isolated and seems pretty unhappy. Those can be pretty significant mental roadblocks to seeing the situation from a different perspective. BTDT and I'm so glad DH kept pushing and encouraging me to get back into my hobby. Looking back now I 100% recognize it was depression and that that was a big part of what held me back from my hobby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We need to know what has caused this.

Does he wish for the days when you weren't boring? And if you have now become ordinary, do you like that? If not, is there something else you can take up to have a little more thrilling life?

I do get the idea of being sold a bill of goods. A person presenting as one thing before marriage and attracting people with that trait, then chucking it aside.

No, he knows taking a backseat to his career has been tough on me. This is about what he thinks will make ME happy.

Could it also be about him not wanting to feel guilty? IDK what your hobby is, or how depression is affecting your view of everything, but I know my DH has the annoying habit of suggesting things for me that don't make sense when he wants to feel less guilty about something. Like if he's going to be out of town and I have to do all the kid stuff solo, he'll tell me that I should "get myself special take out every night" even though that would be more work than just getting a pizza or heating up leftovers. It would be so much nicer for him just to say "I know this is inconvenient for you and I appreciate what your doing." (Yes, I have said that).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you don't want to share, that's fine, but I do wonder from the way you talk about it if it's all or nothing - if you can't do it all the way, at the level you did before, then you don't want to do it at all.

Are there ways to do it that aren't all encompassing? Like, this isn't a great exmaple, but snorkeling for a while and not scuba? Or if it's skiing, doing the greens and not the blacks because you don't want knee surgery. Or maybe you don't jump horses, but you start trail riding or you start lessons or you volunteer at a stables or whatever.

It sounds like there are logistical hurdles - but sometimes people over inflate logistics just to say no, or their depression/anxiety over inflates logistics. Maybe thinking there's no time limit? So sure, you need surgery, but that's one step on the road to recovery. And if it takes months, well, that's ok.

ALl in all, I'd encourage you to rethink and all or nothing approach in general - seeking pleasure from what is, not from what you think it should be. And start to think of adjacent ways to get a fix of that hobby.

This is really helpful. Thanks.

A few years ago, I did try greens and not the blacks, to use your example. I got SO MUCH pushback from other participants because this is activity where it's clear I'm at a higher level. But maybe I need to push back at those people myself. That's a really good reminder.

I am SO curious what this mystery activity is and wish you would just tell us!

What kind of pushback? Like people you knew from your semi-pro days are disappointed you’re not pushing it to get back to it? From other people on the greens and blues pissed that you’re taking up space on their crowded slope when you could be on the empty other side of the mountain? It’s really hard to imagine why anyone else would care what you do with your own body/free time.

Just out of college, I flew for a charter outfit for 6 months. I immediately knew it wasn't the lifestyle I wanted, so I quit, found a normal job, and went back to flight instructing on the weekends. Then the normal job transferred me, I wasn't able to find new students afterward, couldn't afford it on my own, then I got married, had kids, developed a health problem (T1D) that isn't insurmountable but would take effort to clear, and so on. Then there's the kids' schedules and my constant exhaustion and lack of free time. Literally, it's just a ton of stupid hurdles that are a nightmare put together.

Last year, I walked into the local flight school and asked if I could do a few flights with an instructor. They were happy to oblige twice, then got pushy about me getting the T1D worked out so I could go alone. I suppose I was taking time away from real students.

That's where I am.

This seems like something that isn't a huge hurdle to jump through.

[Anonymous]

Rock climbing? Free climbing? Just guessing at the hobby...

OP, your marriage sounds like it is set up as a competition between two people instead of cooperation between two people. That competitive undertow is what is going on here. When one person in the marriage taunts the other in a "what, are you gonna be a loser?" kind of way, the whole thing goes pear shaped. Not to mention exhausting.

Are your two competitors toward each other, or are you cooperative? Are you two individuals, or are you a team? Teams cooperate.

The whole foundation of your marriage sounds like it needs re-doing in order for your house to sit well. Or it will sink.

[Anonymous]

I 💯% believe hobbies are as important as exercise and therapy and community for mental health. I am really bad at mindfulness type activities but can easily reach that state of “being in the present moment” while doing my hobby. I don’t get that centered feeling doing anything else; fortunately it is an easy hobby to do anywhere (art) but getting away from my family and taking a class were the only way I could devote real time to it.

[Anonymous]

Well, you have a lot of incentive to deal with the T1D. I think you will feel better just by working on that, and so will your DH. And then get back to flying. Having something to look forward to post-kids being at home is huge to manage empty nest. GL!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, you have a lot of incentive to deal with the T1D. I think you will feel better just by working on that, and so will your DH. And then get back to flying. Having something to look forward to post-kids being at home is huge to manage empty nest. GL!

It's under control. Convincing the FAA of that is another matter.

But you're right about the empty nest. I hadn't considered that.

[Anonymous]

Here I am thinking I was going to be reading a thread about swinging and swapping. bummer