DH pressuring me to do something I can't

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is he pressuring you? Does he think you miss it? Does he want to live vicariously through you?

He knows I miss it. He knows how much joy it brought me.

He's looking for a solution for you. Are you telegraphing unhappiness and wistfulness?

I'm very lonely and isolated. I've never had many interests outside of this particular activity, but like I said - hurdles. I know that sounds like depression, but it's not. It's just a LOT of hurdles. Example: if this was scuba diving, I would need ear surgery across the state, then months of healing, then all replacement gear, then academic work, then pool work...

You get the idea.

Different PP. Why not come up with something else then? It sounds like he is trying to help, even if it is coming across as pressure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is he pressuring you? Does he think you miss it? Does he want to live vicariously through you?

He knows I miss it. He knows how much joy it brought me.

So why not go back to it, and what is "it"? Why is this a mystery?

agreed. could you just share what the hobby is?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is he pressuring you? Does he think you miss it? Does he want to live vicariously through you?

He knows I miss it. He knows how much joy it brought me.

He's looking for a solution for you. Are you telegraphing unhappiness and wistfulness?

I'm very lonely and isolated. I've never had many interests outside of this particular activity, but like I said - hurdles. I know that sounds like depression, but it's not. It's just a LOT of hurdles. Example: if this was scuba diving, I would need ear surgery across the state, then months of healing, then all replacement gear, then academic work, then pool work...

You get the idea.

Different PP. Why not come up with something else then? It sounds like he is trying to help, even if it is coming across as pressure.

Lack of interest in most things, really. Again, not depression talking. I'm just super picky about what my trips my brain, I guess. A book club isn't going to cut it, know what I mean?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is he pressuring you? Does he think you miss it? Does he want to live vicariously through you?

He knows I miss it. He knows how much joy it brought me.

He's looking for a solution for you. Are you telegraphing unhappiness and wistfulness?

I'm very lonely and isolated. I've never had many interests outside of this particular activity, but like I said - hurdles. I know that sounds like depression, but it's not. It's just a LOT of hurdles. Example: if this was scuba diving, I would need ear surgery across the state, then months of healing, then all replacement gear, then academic work, then pool work...

You get the idea.

OP, this is an anonymous forum. No one is going to identify you if you just say the activity, because people want to come up with solutions and that’s hard because we’re all wondering why you can’t do this thing that you were so passionate about.

[Anonymous]

The snide comments make me wonder whether this is about DH’s attraction for OP. He likes telling everyone his wife sky dove, thought that was hot, etc.

Is that why can’t let it go, OP, even though he’s trying to put it in terms as though it’s about you. Have you changed so much over the years?

(By the way, this kind of pressure would turn me right off, but we are all different).

[Anonymous]

It sounds like his heart is in the right place in trying to nudge you into doing something purely for yourself, something he thinks will bring you joy. You said ‘season change’ but didn’t really explain what happened that makes this activity not an option for you - you don’t want to spend the money? It would involve lots of effort to get back into physical shape? If it’s just that it’s time consuming and expensive, I think it’s nice that he is telling you that it’s okay to prioritize your own happiness and not just the kids. Unless he has ulterior motives - he wants you to get back into Scuba to justify trips to tropical locals, or so he can brag about your accomplishments or something?

But if you just don’t want to do it anymore, just tell him that. You used to enjoy it, but now it sounds stressful and your body is older and you don’t want to. I do think you should try to find some other hobby or something else for yourself though. Maybe he is trying to tell you that you’re miserable to be around when your life revolves 100% around the kids and home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is he pressuring you? Does he think you miss it? Does he want to live vicariously through you?

He knows I miss it. He knows how much joy it brought me.

He's looking for a solution for you. Are you telegraphing unhappiness and wistfulness?

I'm very lonely and isolated. I've never had many interests outside of this particular activity, but like I said - hurdles. I know that sounds like depression, but it's not. It's just a LOT of hurdles. Example: if this was scuba diving, I would need ear surgery across the state, then months of healing, then all replacement gear, then academic work, then pool work...

You get the idea.

Different PP. Why not come up with something else then? It sounds like he is trying to help, even if it is coming across as pressure.

^^^ As an example, my DH was a big marathoner. He had to stop running due to an injury. To run again he would have to have major surgery with no guarantee he wouldn't end up worse off. So he took up mountain biking.

[Anonymous]

Put some thought into it. If he really wants to see you enjoy it again, ask for his help with the logistics. If the main hurdle is time and arranging care/transportation for your kids, ask for his input on a solution.

My DH never stopped devoting time to his hobbies, even when our kids were tiny. When I get wistful, he'd always say, go, take the time, I'll hold own the fort. I don't know why (actually I do), but a combination of inertia and feeling needed by the kids have held me back. I've taken small steps, but really should jump in with both feet to reclaim my past passions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like his heart is in the right place in trying to nudge you into doing something purely for yourself, something he thinks will bring you joy. You said ‘season change’ but didn’t really explain what happened that makes this activity not an option for you - you don’t want to spend the money? It would involve lots of effort to get back into physical shape? If it’s just that it’s time consuming and expensive, I think it’s nice that he is telling you that it’s okay to prioritize your own happiness and not just the kids. Unless he has ulterior motives - he wants you to get back into Scuba to justify trips to tropical locals, or so he can brag about your accomplishments or something?

But if you just don’t want to do it anymore, just tell him that. You used to enjoy it, but now it sounds stressful and your body is older and you don’t want to. I do think you should try to find some other hobby or something else for yourself though. Maybe he is trying to tell you that you’re miserable to be around when your life revolves 100% around the kids and home.

It's the bolded, plus it's risky. Much of my desire to do this (not all, no) disappeared once my oldest was born.

[Anonymous]

He is saying you are mopey and depressed. Find something anything that brings you joy and show him you are ok.

[Anonymous]

If you don't want to share, that's fine, but I do wonder from the way you talk about it if it's all or nothing - if you can't do it all the way, at the level you did before, then you don't want to do it at all.

Are there ways to do it that aren't all encompassing? Like, this isn't a great exmaple, but snorkeling for a while and not scuba? Or if it's skiing, doing the greens and not the blacks because you don't want knee surgery. Or maybe you don't jump horses, but you start trail riding or you start lessons or you volunteer at a stables or whatever.

It sounds like there are logistical hurdles - but sometimes people over inflate logistics just to say no, or their depression/anxiety over inflates logistics. Maybe thinking there's no time limit? So sure, you need surgery, but that's one step on the road to recovery. And if it takes months, well, that's ok.

ALl in all, I'd encourage you to rethink and all or nothing approach in general - seeking pleasure from what is, not from what you think it should be. And start to think of adjacent ways to get a fix of that hobby.

[Anonymous]

Despite what you say, OP, you sound depressed without realizing that is shading how you present.

Sometimes you just have to do something, and then keep doing it, to jar your brain out of the groove it is in that keeps you from being able to do something different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you don't want to share, that's fine, but I do wonder from the way you talk about it if it's all or nothing - if you can't do it all the way, at the level you did before, then you don't want to do it at all.

Are there ways to do it that aren't all encompassing? Like, this isn't a great exmaple, but snorkeling for a while and not scuba? Or if it's skiing, doing the greens and not the blacks because you don't want knee surgery. Or maybe you don't jump horses, but you start trail riding or you start lessons or you volunteer at a stables or whatever.

It sounds like there are logistical hurdles - but sometimes people over inflate logistics just to say no, or their depression/anxiety over inflates logistics. Maybe thinking there's no time limit? So sure, you need surgery, but that's one step on the road to recovery. And if it takes months, well, that's ok.

ALl in all, I'd encourage you to rethink and all or nothing approach in general - seeking pleasure from what is, not from what you think it should be. And start to think of adjacent ways to get a fix of that hobby.

This is really helpful. Thanks.

A few years ago, I did try greens and not the blacks, to use your example. I got SO MUCH pushback from other participants because this is activity where it's clear I'm at a higher level. But maybe I need to push back at those people myself. That's a really good reminder.

[Anonymous]

I like what a PP was saying.
Do the surgery. Then recover. You are at least making a step forward.
Start doing some sort of exercise that puts you on the road to getting back in shape.
Steps to show yourself that you are not stuck.
If it is skydiving, then maybe trying a climbing wall nearby.
If it was scuba diving, maybe start swimming laps, join a masters team.

[Anonymous]

You sound miserable and despite all your claims otherwise, depressed. I don't blame him for trying to get you involved in something that brought you joy and you miss.