DH pressuring me to do something I can't

[Anonymous]

Before we met, I had a hobby that I participated in at a semi-pro level, for lack of a better description. It was expensive, fairly risky, and health/opportunity-dependent. Think sky diving or scuba diving. It brought me so much joy, but seasons change, and for all those reasons, I no longer participate. I could, but it would take even more money and a lot of logistical hoops to start up again.

DH really wants me to go get back to it. I'm ambivalent. I like the idea, but not enough to jump through the hoops. The problem is, he sometimes made snide remarks about me quitting. I am 100% certain they're meant to jar me into action, but all they all know is annoy me.

How do I let him know this isn't going to happen again?

[Anonymous]

Why is he pressuring you? Does he think you miss it? Does he want to live vicariously through you?

[Anonymous]

He shouldn't pressure you.

But are you turning into a couch potato? Is he trying to cajole you into doing something active?

[Anonymous]

Why does he want you to get back to it?

And why can't you just say what it is, why be coy about it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is he pressuring you? Does he think you miss it? Does he want to live vicariously through you?

He knows I miss it. He knows how much joy it brought me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He shouldn't pressure you.

But are you turning into a couch potato? Is he trying to cajole you into doing something active?

I have no life anymore. Just driving kids around. I completely understand why he's doing it, but the logistical hurdles are immese and my desire to do it doesn't outweigh them.

[Anonymous]

First, decide if you “can’t” or “don’t want to” just to be consistent. Either is totally fine, but one opens the door for problem solving the other persuasion.

“Thanks for encouraging me, but I’m not interested in scuba diving anymore.”

“I know you’re trying to be helpful, but it bothers me that you keep pressuring me about it.”

“I’ve told you before that I don’t like you bringing up scuba diving. Please stop.”

“I’ve told you I don’t want you bringing up scuba diving again. Is there a reason you continue to bring it up?”

“When you mention me no longer scuba diving, it sounds like you are teasing me for quitting. Please stop.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is he pressuring you? Does he think you miss it? Does he want to live vicariously through you?

He knows I miss it. He knows how much joy it brought me.

He's looking for a solution for you. Are you telegraphing unhappiness and wistfulness?

[Anonymous]

There's two options, either you can just tell him what you've told us and he'll understand and drop it or he won't be. I don't think there's a magic formula that'll make him understand if the first paragraph here isn't enough.

I do think even your writing here suggests that you might want to get back to it ("I'm ambivalent. I like the idea"), I wonder if he's picking up on that and thinks that you want permission to spend the time and money. Most people would understand if you make that clear. If he doesn't, it isn't likely that there's some winning argument that will make him stop caring.

[Anonymous]

I don't understand why this is hard.

"I don't want to pursue that anymore. Please stop bringing it up."

[Anonymous]

We need to know what has caused this.

Does he wish for the days when you weren't boring? And if you have now become ordinary, do you like that? If not, is there something else you can take up to have a little more thrilling life?

I do get the idea of being sold a bill of goods. A person presenting as one thing before marriage and attracting people with that trait, then chucking it aside.

[Anonymous]

DH used to be passionate about horseback riding and doesn’t do it now for many reasons. He eventually picked up a new hobby: tennis, and is just as passionate about that. He is a good partner and I am happy he has something outside of work and kids that he loves to do with his friends.

Find a new hobby and ask DH for his support in making time for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is he pressuring you? Does he think you miss it? Does he want to live vicariously through you?

He knows I miss it. He knows how much joy it brought me.

So why not go back to it, and what is "it"? Why is this a mystery?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is he pressuring you? Does he think you miss it? Does he want to live vicariously through you?

He knows I miss it. He knows how much joy it brought me.

He's looking for a solution for you. Are you telegraphing unhappiness and wistfulness?

I'm very lonely and isolated. I've never had many interests outside of this particular activity, but like I said - hurdles. I know that sounds like depression, but it's not. It's just a LOT of hurdles. Example: if this was scuba diving, I would need ear surgery across the state, then months of healing, then all replacement gear, then academic work, then pool work...

You get the idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We need to know what has caused this.

Does he wish for the days when you weren't boring? And if you have now become ordinary, do you like that? If not, is there something else you can take up to have a little more thrilling life?

I do get the idea of being sold a bill of goods. A person presenting as one thing before marriage and attracting people with that trait, then chucking it aside.

No, he knows taking a backseat to his career has been tough on me. This is about what he thinks will make ME happy.