Marriage not great-taking 5 day trip with DH to work on it
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Anonymous
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Hi OP, I could have written your post, except my kids are a few years older. My DH has extremely terrible anxiety that makes him almost nonfunctioning. He rarely leaves the house (also wfh), doesnt talk to anyone when he does leave the house, does the bare minimum at home, we haven’t had sex in years, it sucks.
We tried working on it on our own. We tried marriage counseling, now we are divorcing. I can’t imagine not only spending the rest of my life feeling unloved and unwanted and unappreciated and generally always angry, but I also don’t want my kids to think this is the norm for a marriage/life. I believe my husband also suffers from low t and depression, in addition to anxiety, but I cant make him be honest with his doctors/therapist and I cant make him do what he should be doing to help his anxiety. I tried for years to make it better for him but he isnt helping himself or being honest with himself. Or his doctors. There is nothing else I can do. I get where you are coming from re worrying about the kids when they are with him without me, but he does love his kids and is ok w a routine. He can get them out the door in the morning to school, feed them dinner at night and get them to bed. Will their teeth always be brushed, will they always get baths, will they always eat a vegetable? No. Will they spend their weekends doing more than screentime (outside of planned activities like sports)? Also no. Will I always be the one doing all appointments, activity scheduling, school appointments, etc.? Yes. But I accept it. They are my kids and I love them and our life isnt what I envisioned but it is what it is. As soon as I finally decided that I’d had enough and started the separation/divorce process, I got so much happier almost immediately. Instead of focusing on my anger and unhappiness and the overall unfairness of it all, I can focus on making the life my kids deserve. And I deserve. Good luck! It stinks. But you arent the only one going through this. |
Anonymous
| I understand OP. My DH is quite similar. Introverted, no libido, and doesn't want to get help. He has ADHD but he doesn't want to get treated. He has only been working full-time for a year in our 11 years of marriage. He has gotten worse over time, and now belittles me or just doesn't talk at all. I have come to accept that this is what it is. He connects with our kids on a very superficial level. He plays legos with them and reads to them sometimes. No substantive conversations, no emotional connection. Puts them to bed late regularly and gives them unhealthy meals regularly and doesn't support any of their extracurricular activities. I am choosing to stay until the kids are older. I am in therapy on my own. Good luck. |
Anonymous
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Op here. I’ve been in individual therapy for the entire duration of the marriage. I go every week.
I’m also on 2 different daily antidepressants. I’m doing my part to work on myself. |
Anonymous
| Op here. After reading the replies I think it makes the most sense to just go and try to enjoy without trying to change or fix anything. It will be nice just to sleep and go to restaurants and the beach. |
Anonymous
Op - what is the fixing you think *should* happen in 5 days? It seems like relaxing and enjoying yourselves is a great improvement over your day to day life |
Anonymous
I think this is what you need to do. Most posters are ignoring the low T/depression. If he refuses treatment for the low T, nothing is ever going to improve. I’m curious whether he’s been checked for a pituitary tumor as well. My exDH was very difficut, then came the pituitary tumor which no’s exponentially worse. He had a pretty lucky recovery, although was never the same. Low T was absolutely miserable and it took me a year to get him to accept treatment. Can you insist on counseling and then draw a line in the sand regarding)g the low T. The counseling at this point is not really for progress, it’s more of a safe, contained space for you to address the low T. |
Anonymous
Op here. You’re right. It’s probably not realistic to think we could change anything in 5 days. I just really want things to be different in my marriage 
We are also at a crossroads in terms of careers/geography/finances and need to figure out what we will do. So far I feel like I’m alone trying to solve our problems and I just want DH to collaborate with me. |
Anonymous
You are so insensitive and sexist. |
Anonymous
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I would try to relax and recapture semblance of enjoying each other’s company for the first few days. That will be healthy irrespective of what happens longterm.
Then maybe have a discussion (not angry or ominous) about how you wish you guys could be closer like you were at one time. See if he agrees or has an explanation for the change that you may not have considered. Goals coming out of the trip may be an agreement to start marriage counseling or make ONE change (not a laundry list) that would be encouraging to you (such as monthly date nights or sometime else ). But if he does not follow through, I would go to therapy alone to decide if you two should stay together Good luck. |
Anonymous
| A vacation isn't going to solve this, OP. I'm very sorry you're in this place. |
Anonymous
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Well I think it is positive DH agreed to go on this trip. That shows part of him wants to enjoy life with you. There are men who are so checked out they would decline. Sometimes a change in environment can make a big difference.
No, it’s not going to fix your marriage and you shouldn’t get hopeful for that, but you can enjoy and work to reconnect with him. |
Anonymous
Yuck I don’t think he’d do 50/59, he’d walk it back fast so leave that door wide open so he can save face. He seems to only care about his image outside the house. Talk him up like too busy and important to do the silly kid stuff. One dinner a week out and carnival weekend trips will be appealing to him. |
Anonymous
You know he’s mentally disordered. That or you’re a troll mashing up previous HFA threads. |
Anonymous
He’s not NT, no it’s no news. A previous PP have excellent advice: see an NT/AS specialist yourself and learn to detach from normal expectations of him. It shouldn’t be “angering” you that he can do normal stuff or conversate. He can’t! He won’t! He has no energy, ever! So what does that make you? Constantly expecting that from him? You need to grieve the marriage you’ won’t have with him, and plan your exit for now, later, or way later. Meanwhile spend a ton of time with the kids, at work and socializing with normal people. Your kids need that too. Sign them up for everything. |
Anonymous
Yes don’t lose your sense of self. Dont let yourself get aspergated. Act “as if.” Act as if you’re having a very good time, socializing with a social man, telling fun stories. Often these passive aspie guys will mimic your behaviors - when dating, when married, when you’re sad or happy. So act happy and with it. He might too. But don’t give him anything major to do or figure out, he’ll fake it and you’ll have a mess to fix. |