Marriage not great-taking 5 day trip with DH to work on it

[Anonymous]

What does your therapist suggest, OP? And do you have to go away for 5 days with him? I don’t see how to could help anything. If you’ve already booked, could you go with a female friend and just get a break?

[Anonymous]

Start dating. Tell him. Continue to be respectful coparents and roommates/housemates for now.

If wants to be the guy who dates you, he has an easy head start.

[Anonymous]

Why wouod you go on a trip and not actually go to a marriage retreat or something that will actually do something for you?

[Anonymous]

Your excuses for not divorcing are very flimsy. You enable his behavior. Get out, move on.

[Anonymous]

He sounds hopeless. Maybe divorce. I feel sorry for the oldest. And it might be better they spend more time with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do whatever you can do to try to have sex everyday on your trip.

Can you openly discuss sex with him or things related to sex.

Lol.

Yeah, that’ll cure his mental disorders!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've had to work on my marriage recently and wouldn't necessarily recommend a trip for this (except maybe for a couple with kids who still adore each other but just haven't been able to connect in forever because of other commitments).

For most of us, the work needs to be in the day-to-day. I've made a huge effort over the last several months to do everything I can to show love and be a good partner, and it has totally worked. It's little stuff -- take out the trash when I know he's getting home late and will be tired, stop at the store to pick up a bunch of his favorite yogurt when he's running low or make sure he has his favorite fruits to take to work, ask him about how lunch went with the friend he didn't feel like meeting, I've been de-cluttering even though I didn't feel like it because he mentioned certain areas in our house were annoying him and it was mostly my stuff, I've stopped piling all my work stuff on the kitchen table so it's free and clear where he likes to sit and read the news in the morning, suggesting that we take the dogs to the park to walk together instead of just relying on him to walk them, picking up a new book for him when he mentioned he was almost done reading the one he had (he likes for me to choose books for him), sharing my own small victories with him (I recently got a cpap and the app gives me a "score" every morning and I've been showing them to him everyday), and showing interest in his small victories. I've also tried hard to show affection -- I've been giving a lot more hugs, kisses, and telling him how much I appreciate him. This kind of stuff. The mundane day-to-day stuff that adds up, for better or for worse.

This effort, after a couple of very rough years (mainly due to health issues and some depression) has totally worked. DH's now making a huge effort towards me as well, and I can see his smiles and happiness to see me and spend time with me coming back.

A five-day trip would not have done this. In fact it could have made things worse.

YMMV.

This is really good advice. “Fake it until you make it” is real. Just go on this trip and have fun. No deep conversations about your relationship or sex life. That won’t help. You need to learn to have fun again together, with simple consideration. Let the resentment go. If you want it to work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do whatever you can do to try to have sex everyday on your trip.

Can you openly discuss sex with him or things related to sex.

Op here. I’ve been rejected so many times that it’s hard for me to put myself out there. I can’t remember the last time we had sex. It’s been probably a year or more.

I’ve brought up that I’m unhappy about this but he doesn’t care or just keeps falling back on “it’s such a stressful time but it will get better” and then he does nothing to make it better. He keeps saying he’s tired and stressed. But he’s been saying it for 5 years without anything changing.

This would drive me to have an affair. Tell him that he has to try taking an ED. You can probably get a prescription before this trip. I’m really sorry this has happened to you. Tell him to try this or you will look outside marriage to get this need met.

[Anonymous]

Oh my gosh, so he’s a hoarder too?

OP, he is hopeless. How could you even WANT s*x with this guy? Does he somehow look like George Clooney despite all this dysfunction?

How is he able to maintain his job?

[Anonymous]

What was he like when you married him, OP? What is his family like?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've had to work on my marriage recently and wouldn't necessarily recommend a trip for this (except maybe for a couple with kids who still adore each other but just haven't been able to connect in forever because of other commitments).

For most of us, the work needs to be in the day-to-day. I've made a huge effort over the last several months to do everything I can to show love and be a good partner, and it has totally worked. It's little stuff -- take out the trash when I know he's getting home late and will be tired, stop at the store to pick up a bunch of his favorite yogurt when he's running low or make sure he has his favorite fruits to take to work, ask him about how lunch went with the friend he didn't feel like meeting, I've been de-cluttering even though I didn't feel like it because he mentioned certain areas in our house were annoying him and it was mostly my stuff, I've stopped piling all my work stuff on the kitchen table so it's free and clear where he likes to sit and read the news in the morning, suggesting that we take the dogs to the park to walk together instead of just relying on him to walk them, picking up a new book for him when he mentioned he was almost done reading the one he had (he likes for me to choose books for him), sharing my own small victories with him (I recently got a cpap and the app gives me a "score" every morning and I've been showing them to him everyday), and showing interest in his small victories. I've also tried hard to show affection -- I've been giving a lot more hugs, kisses, and telling him how much I appreciate him. This kind of stuff. The mundane day-to-day stuff that adds up, for better or for worse.

This effort, after a couple of very rough years (mainly due to health issues and some depression) has totally worked. DH's now making a huge effort towards me as well, and I can see his smiles and happiness to see me and spend time with me coming back.

A five-day trip would not have done this. In fact it could have made things worse.

YMMV.

I'm glad for you, but I hate the idea of having to meet someone 90 percent of the way. Why do we neee to coddle and cajole? Infuriating.

DP - is this coddling and cajoling? It sounds like just being a thoughtful and warm partner, I would suffer without these kind of gestures in a relationship. (Maybe "acts of service" is my love language...)

[Anonymous]

Is he gay

[Anonymous]

He’s autistic

[Anonymous]

And not marriage material. Nor parent material.

[Anonymous]

Op here. He’s not gay. He might watch porn but claims he doesn’t. He has a viagra prescription and it has worked well for him in the past with no side effects. But it doesn’t create desire or drive where there is none.

He was more effective at life before we had kids. Once our life got more complicated, he lost his ability to cope and/or any drive.

He might have ASD, but I hesitated to say that just because he hasn’t been diagnosed with it and it annoys me when people act like they can diagnose these things. I’m not qualified to make that diagnosis and he has never received it. Of course I think that’s likely a factor here.