Marriage not great-taking 5 day trip with DH to work on it

[Anonymous]

Read some Dr Kathy Marshack or schedule some zooms with her. She may have some good coping methods for you, Dx or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've had to work on my marriage recently and wouldn't necessarily recommend a trip for this (except maybe for a couple with kids who still adore each other but just haven't been able to connect in forever because of other commitments).

For most of us, the work needs to be in the day-to-day. I've made a huge effort over the last several months to do everything I can to show love and be a good partner, and it has totally worked. It's little stuff -- take out the trash when I know he's getting home late and will be tired, stop at the store to pick up a bunch of his favorite yogurt when he's running low or make sure he has his favorite fruits to take to work, ask him about how lunch went with the friend he didn't feel like meeting, I've been de-cluttering even though I didn't feel like it because he mentioned certain areas in our house were annoying him and it was mostly my stuff, I've stopped piling all my work stuff on the kitchen table so it's free and clear where he likes to sit and read the news in the morning, suggesting that we take the dogs to the park to walk together instead of just relying on him to walk them, picking up a new book for him when he mentioned he was almost done reading the one he had (he likes for me to choose books for him), sharing my own small victories with him (I recently got a cpap and the app gives me a "score" every morning and I've been showing them to him everyday), and showing interest in his small victories. I've also tried hard to show affection -- I've been giving a lot more hugs, kisses, and telling him how much I appreciate him. This kind of stuff. The mundane day-to-day stuff that adds up, for better or for worse.

This effort, after a couple of very rough years (mainly due to health issues and some depression) has totally worked. DH's now making a huge effort towards me as well, and I can see his smiles and happiness to see me and spend time with me coming back.

A five-day trip would not have done this. In fact it could have made things worse.

YMMV.

I'm glad for you, but I hate the idea of having to meet someone 90 percent of the way. Why do we neee to coddle and cajole? Infuriating.

PP here. I have no idea why you think I'm meeting him 90 percent of the way. I told you about what I'm doing -- not about what he is doing, which has been substantial. My aim has been for us to meet each other in the middle. And if anything, he's coming farther than I am. Our marriage has suffered not because of his failure to put work in, but mine.

I don't coddle/cajole at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. He’s not gay. He might watch porn but claims he doesn’t. He has a viagra prescription and it has worked well for him in the past with no side effects. But it doesn’t create desire or drive where there is none.

He was more effective at life before we had kids. Once our life got more complicated, he lost his ability to cope and/or any drive.

He might have ASD, but I hesitated to say that just because he hasn’t been diagnosed with it and it annoys me when people act like they can diagnose these things. I’m not qualified to make that diagnosis and he has never received it. Of course I think that’s likely a factor here.

You seriously need to read The Empowered Wife.

[Anonymous]

OP, I feel for you. My spouse doesn't want to have sex (or show any care, interest or affection) and I don't even remember how many years. We are in our late 40s with a 6 and an 8 year old kiddos. Conversations only revolve around kids and logistics. We live like roommates and sleep separately. I've been rejected so many times and so many false promises have been made. I've given up hope for love or marriage to ever be restored. I am only doing this until the kids get to about 15 YO so we don't shake up their world at this moment, however fake and far from a model their world, which is our dysfunctional family dynamics, arguments,.screaming and disgust toward one another.

[Anonymous]

OP, he may be neurodivergent and/or deeply traumatized. It sucks not to have the partnership that you want, but consider that his passivity, people pleasing, etc. might be maladaptive coping mechanisms and he is too scared to be authentic with you, therapists, doctors. It's a very hard place to be. If he is indeed ND, he may have been punished to things he couldn't help as a child and being undiagnosed never got any supports or understanding of his profile, or peers he could relate to. Dissociation from reality might be his "safe place". I don't have any brilliant advice, but if you're chosing to stay with this person, have some compassion and meet them where they are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, he may be neurodivergent and/or deeply traumatized. It sucks not to have the partnership that you want, but consider that his passivity, people pleasing, etc. might be maladaptive coping mechanisms and he is too scared to be authentic with you, therapists, doctors. It's a very hard place to be. If he is indeed ND, he may have been punished to things he couldn't help as a child and being undiagnosed never got any supports or understanding of his profile, or peers he could relate to. Dissociation from reality might be his "safe place". I don't have any brilliant advice, but if you're chosing to stay with this person, have some compassion and meet them where they are.

Most likely his whole family is on the spectrum and never talking, never being affectionate, never understanding life is unfortunately their normal. They just stay in and watch screens, never conversating nor planning much ever. They can tag along with others when asked, but run out of gas after a day or two if that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, he may be neurodivergent and/or deeply traumatized. It sucks not to have the partnership that you want, but consider that his passivity, people pleasing, etc. might be maladaptive coping mechanisms and he is too scared to be authentic with you, therapists, doctors. It's a very hard place to be. If he is indeed ND, he may have been punished to things he couldn't help as a child and being undiagnosed never got any supports or understanding of his profile, or peers he could relate to. Dissociation from reality might be his "safe place". I don't have any brilliant advice, but if you're chosing to stay with this person, have some compassion and meet them where they are.

Most likely his whole family is on the spectrum and never talking, never being affectionate, never understanding life is unfortunately their normal. They just stay in and watch screens, never conversating nor planning much ever. They can tag along with others when asked, but run out of gas after a day or two if that.

Op here. I’m not on the spectrum. I continuously work on myself too-I’m in therapy and I also have a psychiatrist who I see regularly.

But what you describe is EXACTLY what I think DH would most prefer our life to look like, and all I can expect from him in the marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, he may be neurodivergent and/or deeply traumatized. It sucks not to have the partnership that you want, but consider that his passivity, people pleasing, etc. might be maladaptive coping mechanisms and he is too scared to be authentic with you, therapists, doctors. It's a very hard place to be. If he is indeed ND, he may have been punished to things he couldn't help as a child and being undiagnosed never got any supports or understanding of his profile, or peers he could relate to. Dissociation from reality might be his "safe place". I don't have any brilliant advice, but if you're chosing to stay with this person, have some compassion and meet them where they are.

Most likely his whole family is on the spectrum and never talking, never being affectionate, never understanding life is unfortunately their normal. They just stay in and watch screens, never conversating nor planning much ever. They can tag along with others when asked, but run out of gas after a day or two if that.

Op here. Omg I’m an idiot. You said HIS family lol. Yes, your description of his family is spot on.

[Anonymous]

OP - what was he like when you were just dating?

Also - please report back after this trip. I'm curious to how this goes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - what was he like when you were just dating?

Also - please report back after this trip. I'm curious to how this goes.

Op here. I answered this above. He was much more effective and tenacious before we had kids. Or really before we had the 2nd kid. After that he really has just sort of fallen apart.

My theory is that he was masking before and can’t mask effectively now that life is more complex and demanding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - what was he like when you were just dating?

Also - please report back after this trip. I'm curious to how this goes.

Op here. I answered this above. He was much more effective and tenacious before we had kids. Or really before we had the 2nd kid. After that he really has just sort of fallen apart.

My theory is that he was masking before and can’t mask effectively now that life is more complex and demanding.

Op, please report back. Your story is very similar to what’s happening with me and my DH. He wanted to take a trip too, but I nixed it because I’m not ready to be closed off with him for 5-6 days.

[Anonymous]

NP. I’m bringing to regret agreeing to go to a May college reunion with my aspie spouse. He’s such a bore and will be all Jekyl & Hyde like a totally different person at the functions in little spurts.

It always alarms our children to see how differently their father acts when out at external social events with people verses with us at home, silent or raging.

[Anonymous]

I am so sorry for you, OP. This is a hard situation to be in. I think you should ask for an open marriage at least, if you are unwilling to have a divorce.

[Anonymous]

I’d love an update from this OP on how the trip went!

[Anonymous]

Your upcoming vacation sounds miserable OP. 😢

So sorry you are dealing w/all of this.
If marital counseling is not helping you both out after multiple attempts then I would think your only option at this stage is to divorce.

That is if you want a better life for yourself + your children.

Sure the option also exists for you to just suck it up & remain married however life is really very short and why spend your best years feeling rejected and alone all the time??

Maybe divorce will make your husband see things are very serious…..but if not, then at least you know you tried therapy and didn’t just give up on your family.

There is only so much one can do in life - and it appears that you have done all you can up to this point. 💔
Wishing you and your children all the best.