Marriage not great-taking 5 day trip with DH to work on it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you get fat? Is he the bread winner?

Op here. I weigh the same as when we married.

I make a bit more than he does.

I doubt there will be any meaningful connection or conversating on this trip sans kids. If he avoids talking about life he won’t do so then. He’ll coast along with books, sight seeing, meals with superficially talks about nothing, on the trip.

You’d need a third party professional to get y’all to open up and see wtf his issue(s) are. Any mental disorders in his family tree? Is he familiar with how divorce and coparenting work? Or is he clueless about everything and potential lack of connection?

Op here. We’ve worked with third party professionals before (marriage therapists). If anything it made things worse. It didn’t help us at all.

DH doesn’t think about divorce and doesn’t believe me when I tell him I think that’s what is going to happen.

Part of why I stay is I don’t believe he would be competent to care for our kids alone. If I stay at least I’m able to keep our home clean and make sure they get meals and to school.

DH is just totally checked out of our life and has been for years. If we divorce I don’t believe he’d actually keep the kids half the time. He’d pretend he wanted to but wouldn’t follow through.

Most of his life he just avoids/pretends/says what he thinks people want to hear, etc.

He sounds depressed, OP. I’m sorry you have to deal with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. After reading the replies I think it makes the most sense to just go and try to enjoy without trying to change or fix anything. It will be nice just to sleep and go to restaurants and the beach.

Op - what is the fixing you think *should* happen in 5 days? It seems like relaxing and enjoying yourselves is a great improvement over your day to day life

Op here. You’re right. It’s probably not realistic to think we could change anything in 5 days.

I just really want things to be different in my marriage

We are also at a crossroads in terms of careers/geography/finances and need to figure out what we will do. So far I feel like I’m alone trying to solve our problems and I just want DH to collaborate with me.

He won’t collaborate with you.

He will however, do whatever you decide regarding relocating, etc. Trust me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well I think it is positive DH agreed to go on this trip. That shows part of him wants to enjoy life with you. There are men who are so checked out they would decline. Sometimes a change in environment can make a big difference.

No, it’s not going to fix your marriage and you shouldn’t get hopeful for that, but you can enjoy and work to reconnect with him.

No.

Not his profile.
He’s just passively tagging along and checking a box. He thinks that’s fooling everyone that’s he’s a real husband and partner. It’s certainly fooling himself.

[Anonymous]

Do whatever you can do to try to have sex everyday on your trip.

Can you openly discuss sex with him or things related to sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do whatever you can do to try to have sex everyday on your trip.

Can you openly discuss sex with him or things related to sex.

Op here. I’ve been rejected so many times that it’s hard for me to put myself out there. I can’t remember the last time we had sex. It’s been probably a year or more.

I’ve brought up that I’m unhappy about this but he doesn’t care or just keeps falling back on “it’s such a stressful time but it will get better” and then he does nothing to make it better. He keeps saying he’s tired and stressed. But he’s been saying it for 5 years without anything changing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you get fat? Is he the bread winner?

Op here. I weigh the same as when we married.

I make a bit more than he does.

I doubt there will be any meaningful connection or conversating on this trip sans kids. If he avoids talking about life he won’t do so then. He’ll coast along with books, sight seeing, meals with superficially talks about nothing, on the trip.

You’d need a third party professional to get y’all to open up and see wtf his issue(s) are. Any mental disorders in his family tree? Is he familiar with how divorce and coparenting work? Or is he clueless about everything and potential lack of connection?

Op here. We’ve worked with third party professionals before (marriage therapists). If anything it made things worse. It didn’t help us at all.

DH doesn’t think about divorce and doesn’t believe me when I tell him I think that’s what is going to happen.

Part of why I stay is I don’t believe he would be competent to care for our kids alone. If I stay at least I’m able to keep our home clean and make sure they get meals and to school.

DH is just totally checked out of our life and has been for years. If we divorce I don’t believe he’d actually keep the kids half the time. He’d pretend he wanted to but wouldn’t follow through.

Most of his life he just avoids/pretends/says what he thinks people want to hear, etc.

Yuck

I don’t think he’d do 50/59, he’d walk it back fast so leave that door wide open so he can save face. He seems to only care about his image outside the house. Talk him up like too busy and important to do the silly kid stuff. One dinner a week out and carnival weekend trips will be appealing to him.

Op here. Yes this exactly. So long as I act as if he’s a great dad but don’t hold him accountable for anything, I think he’d be content seeing the kids once a week for dinner or for a short period on the weekends. There is zero chance he’d be able to maintain a safe and clean residence for the kids to sleep in. As it is now, I’ve conceded a bedroom and bathroom to him and the garage. Those places are literally uninhabitable. Like you can’t walk in them there is so much junk and trash. The rest of our house is clean and orderly because I absolutely insist on it and spend a ton of time maintaining it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do whatever you can do to try to have sex everyday on your trip.

Can you openly discuss sex with him or things related to sex.

Op here. I’ve been rejected so many times that it’s hard for me to put myself out there. I can’t remember the last time we had sex. It’s been probably a year or more.

I’ve brought up that I’m unhappy about this but he doesn’t care or just keeps falling back on “it’s such a stressful time but it will get better” and then he does nothing to make it better. He keeps saying he’s tired and stressed. But he’s been saying it for 5 years without anything changing.

OP - your DH sounds a lot like my XH. He would “reassure” me with words - but as time went on (and now in hindsight after divorce) I can see that he knew it was issue but he didn’t actually know how to remedy it because, basically, he wasn’t that sexually motivate / interested as I was. He literally is wired differently, and really was not an attentive lover to begin with. I was willingly naive in ignoring initial signs of this because I wanted to be with him for other reasons.

[Anonymous]

I've had to work on my marriage recently and wouldn't necessarily recommend a trip for this (except maybe for a couple with kids who still adore each other but just haven't been able to connect in forever because of other commitments).

For most of us, the work needs to be in the day-to-day. I've made a huge effort over the last several months to do everything I can to show love and be a good partner, and it has totally worked. It's little stuff -- take out the trash when I know he's getting home late and will be tired, stop at the store to pick up a bunch of his favorite yogurt when he's running low or make sure he has his favorite fruits to take to work, ask him about how lunch went with the friend he didn't feel like meeting, I've been de-cluttering even though I didn't feel like it because he mentioned certain areas in our house were annoying him and it was mostly my stuff, I've stopped piling all my work stuff on the kitchen table so it's free and clear where he likes to sit and read the news in the morning, suggesting that we take the dogs to the park to walk together instead of just relying on him to walk them, picking up a new book for him when he mentioned he was almost done reading the one he had (he likes for me to choose books for him), sharing my own small victories with him (I recently got a cpap and the app gives me a "score" every morning and I've been showing them to him everyday), and showing interest in his small victories. I've also tried hard to show affection -- I've been giving a lot more hugs, kisses, and telling him how much I appreciate him. This kind of stuff. The mundane day-to-day stuff that adds up, for better or for worse.

This effort, after a couple of very rough years (mainly due to health issues and some depression) has totally worked. DH's now making a huge effort towards me as well, and I can see his smiles and happiness to see me and spend time with me coming back.

A five-day trip would not have done this. In fact it could have made things worse.

YMMV.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've had to work on my marriage recently and wouldn't necessarily recommend a trip for this (except maybe for a couple with kids who still adore each other but just haven't been able to connect in forever because of other commitments).

For most of us, the work needs to be in the day-to-day. I've made a huge effort over the last several months to do everything I can to show love and be a good partner, and it has totally worked. It's little stuff -- take out the trash when I know he's getting home late and will be tired, stop at the store to pick up a bunch of his favorite yogurt when he's running low or make sure he has his favorite fruits to take to work, ask him about how lunch went with the friend he didn't feel like meeting, I've been de-cluttering even though I didn't feel like it because he mentioned certain areas in our house were annoying him and it was mostly my stuff, I've stopped piling all my work stuff on the kitchen table so it's free and clear where he likes to sit and read the news in the morning, suggesting that we take the dogs to the park to walk together instead of just relying on him to walk them, picking up a new book for him when he mentioned he was almost done reading the one he had (he likes for me to choose books for him), sharing my own small victories with him (I recently got a cpap and the app gives me a "score" every morning and I've been showing them to him everyday), and showing interest in his small victories. I've also tried hard to show affection -- I've been giving a lot more hugs, kisses, and telling him how much I appreciate him. This kind of stuff. The mundane day-to-day stuff that adds up, for better or for worse.

This effort, after a couple of very rough years (mainly due to health issues and some depression) has totally worked. DH's now making a huge effort towards me as well, and I can see his smiles and happiness to see me and spend time with me coming back.

A five-day trip would not have done this. In fact it could have made things worse.

YMMV.

I'm glad for you, but I hate the idea of having to meet someone 90 percent of the way. Why do we neee to coddle and cajole? Infuriating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do whatever you can do to try to have sex everyday on your trip.

Can you openly discuss sex with him or things related to sex.

Gross.

That doesn’t matter to this guy. Nothing matters, he’s a stone in a wall. Just sits there. No emotions. No ideas. Not proactive. No utility or enjoyment. No understanding. And certainly no action.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is he cheating?

Op here. He’s not. We both WFH. He’s extremely introverted and rarely leaves the house without me (his choice, not mine).

Could he be gay?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've had to work on my marriage recently and wouldn't necessarily recommend a trip for this (except maybe for a couple with kids who still adore each other but just haven't been able to connect in forever because of other commitments).

For most of us, the work needs to be in the day-to-day. I've made a huge effort over the last several months to do everything I can to show love and be a good partner, and it has totally worked. It's little stuff -- take out the trash when I know he's getting home late and will be tired, stop at the store to pick up a bunch of his favorite yogurt when he's running low or make sure he has his favorite fruits to take to work, ask him about how lunch went with the friend he didn't feel like meeting, I've been de-cluttering even though I didn't feel like it because he mentioned certain areas in our house were annoying him and it was mostly my stuff, I've stopped piling all my work stuff on the kitchen table so it's free and clear where he likes to sit and read the news in the morning, suggesting that we take the dogs to the park to walk together instead of just relying on him to walk them, picking up a new book for him when he mentioned he was almost done reading the one he had (he likes for me to choose books for him), sharing my own small victories with him (I recently got a cpap and the app gives me a "score" every morning and I've been showing them to him everyday), and showing interest in his small victories. I've also tried hard to show affection -- I've been giving a lot more hugs, kisses, and telling him how much I appreciate him. This kind of stuff. The mundane day-to-day stuff that adds up, for better or for worse.

This effort, after a couple of very rough years (mainly due to health issues and some depression) has totally worked. DH's now making a huge effort towards me as well, and I can see his smiles and happiness to see me and spend time with me coming back.

A five-day trip would not have done this. In fact it could have made things worse.

YMMV.

I'm glad for you, but I hate the idea of having to meet someone 90 percent of the way. Why do we neee to coddle and cajole? Infuriating.

The old adage: would you rather be right or be married? Pp’s husband is not the only man who needed to be coddled for whatever reason (ask me how I know). That’s how the chips fall sometimes: we married manbabies and we are choosing to remain married to them for our own reasons and we have to facilitate success on our own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is he cheating?

Op here. He’s not. We both WFH. He’s extremely introverted and rarely leaves the house without me (his choice, not mine).

Hes watching tons of porn perhaps.
Getting his jollies online.

[Anonymous]

He’s ASD II, not even ASD I. Plus a bunch of comorbidities like ADD, anxiety, depression.

Just live parallel lives, do your own thing and get the kids older and more independent. Re-evaluate then.

Is he taking any Lexapro or Zoloft from his regular doctor?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do whatever you can do to try to have sex everyday on your trip.

Can you openly discuss sex with him or things related to sex.

Why? What will that fix? Having sex on a vacation fixes nothing if they don’t make changes once the vacation is over.