Marriage not great-taking 5 day trip with DH to work on it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My marriage is not in a great place. We have 2 kids, ages 5 and 7.

DH and I are supposed to go on a vacation together, just the two of us, next week.

The thing is, we don’t fight. We are just really living parallel lives and rarely interact. We don’t have sex anymore (DH’s choice-not mine).

I would love to improve the relationship but I don’t see how it’s possible. DH is extremely avoidant, to the point that it’s hard to have any kind of real conversation with him. He just refuses to engage or yes’s me to death and never follows through with what we agree on.

I guess I’m not sure how to approach this time together. We don’t do date nights and have had sex fewer than 10 times in the last 5 years. I don’t expect that DH will be open to sex. I’d like to try and talk to him, but I’m worried it will create bad feelings and then we are stuck on this trip together while miserable. I do have massive amounts of disappointment in our marriage and anger. I’d like things to get better but I’m afraid if we talk about our marriage, then I’ll get caught up in my anger.

We are pretty good at just coexisting on a superficial level and that tends to be our default. Should I just roll with that?

I should mention we are both also exhausted and burnt out and if nothing else we need sleep and rest.

He seems unwilling to change and you seem unwilling to end the marriage. So you need solo therapy for yourself to learn how to accept him for who he is and resign yourself to the state of your marriage (or learn techniques to improve the marriage, through modifying your own behavior not his). All of that resentment and anger is not good. You need to acknowledge to yourself that you are actively making the decision to stay with him despite his faults, and be at peace with that.

I would suggest making this a fun, pleasant trip. No hard discussions. Be light and superficial. Don’t put too much on the agenda. Rest and sleep can work wonders on mental health.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My marriage is not in a great place. We have 2 kids, ages 5 and 7.

DH and I are supposed to go on a vacation together, just the two of us, next week.

The thing is, we don’t fight. We are just really living parallel lives and rarely interact. We don’t have sex anymore (DH’s choice-not mine).

I would love to improve the relationship but I don’t see how it’s possible. DH is extremely avoidant, to the point that it’s hard to have any kind of real conversation with him. He just refuses to engage or yes’s me to death and never follows through with what we agree on.

I guess I’m not sure how to approach this time together. We don’t do date nights and have had sex fewer than 10 times in the last 5 years. I don’t expect that DH will be open to sex. I’d like to try and talk to him, but I’m worried it will create bad feelings and then we are stuck on this trip together while miserable. I do have massive amounts of disappointment in our marriage and anger. I’d like things to get better but I’m afraid if we talk about our marriage, then I’ll get caught up in my anger.

We are pretty good at just coexisting on a superficial level and that tends to be our default. Should I just roll with that?

I should mention we are both also exhausted and burnt out and if nothing else we need sleep and rest.

He seems unwilling to change and you seem unwilling to end the marriage. So you need solo therapy for yourself to learn how to accept him for who he is and resign yourself to the state of your marriage (or learn techniques to improve the marriage, through modifying your own behavior not his). All of that resentment and anger is not good. You need to acknowledge to yourself that you are actively making the decision to stay with him despite his faults, and be at peace with that.

I would suggest making this a fun, pleasant trip. No hard discussions. Be light and superficial. Don’t put too much on the agenda. Rest and sleep can work wonders on mental health.

I agree, the stakes seem too high to have such serious conversations or expectations. But personally from what OP writes I would be working on an exit strategy.

[Anonymous]

he agreed to go on the trip or did he just yes you? If so, that's some good news, right?

[Anonymous]

OP-Do you want to have sex with him or just want to have sex? YOU sound depressed - and checked out on joy. This isn’t good for you or your kids. Concentrate on solo therapy going forward. For this trip-go ahead and do it and approach it as a break from day to day stress and just enjoy yourself as much as you can. A trip doesn’t fix a marriage but you may find a glimmer of yourself still there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My marriage is not in a great place. We have 2 kids, ages 5 and 7.

DH and I are supposed to go on a vacation together, just the two of us, next week.

The thing is, we don’t fight. We are just really living parallel lives and rarely interact. We don’t have sex anymore (DH’s choice-not mine).

I would love to improve the relationship but I don’t see how it’s possible. DH is extremely avoidant, to the point that it’s hard to have any kind of real conversation with him. He just refuses to engage or yes’s me to death and never follows through with what we agree on.

I guess I’m not sure how to approach this time together. We don’t do date nights and have had sex fewer than 10 times in the last 5 years. I don’t expect that DH will be open to sex. I’d like to try and talk to him, but I’m worried it will create bad feelings and then we are stuck on this trip together while miserable. I do have massive amounts of disappointment in our marriage and anger. I’d like things to get better but I’m afraid if we talk about our marriage, then I’ll get caught up in my anger.

We are pretty good at just coexisting on a superficial level and that tends to be our default. Should I just roll with that?

I should mention we are both also exhausted and burnt out and if nothing else we need sleep and rest.

He seems unwilling to change and you seem unwilling to end the marriage. So you need solo therapy for yourself to learn how to accept him for who he is and resign yourself to the state of your marriage (or learn techniques to improve the marriage, through modifying your own behavior not his). All of that resentment and anger is not good. You need to acknowledge to yourself that you are actively making the decision to stay with him despite his faults, and be at peace with that.

I would suggest making this a fun, pleasant trip. No hard discussions. Be light and superficial. Don’t put too much on the agenda. Rest and sleep can work wonders on mental health.

NP. PP makes such a profound point that I believe will be key to moving forward and managing your overwhelming anger and resentment. It really sounds like you have done everything possible to improve your marriage, and he’s a brick wall; he does not have the capacity for connection. It is not going to happen. Ever.

So here’s what PP says that really resonated: you need to acknowledge that you are actively making the choice to stay with him (and I mean this as a positive, not a negative, in this context). So while he is immovable, mute, even useless to you and the kids beyond his income and literal physical presence, stuck in his status quo in perpetuity, **you always have a choice, and have the ability to exercise it every day.** Hopefully that can give you some peace, in a paradoxical way.

It sounds like he would be blindsided if you left, which further reflects his absolute cluelessness…and the way you describe it indicates perhaps neurodivergence or just a different wiring of his brain, rather than active/willful avoidance (are there any clues in his childhood or family of origin? Was he different when you married, or was he always like this, to some degree?). So I worry a bit about his mental health if you leave him; he is checked out, yet dependent on you to structure a “normal” life and connect with the outside world. I suspect you’re right that you would end up with primary custody.

So I agree with PP - go away with the goal of resting and relaxing. I guess you can see if you and your DH can connect outside of the context of the grind of daily life, but I’d approach it with curiosity rather than hope. Take care of your own mind and body and give yourself the care and attention that is lacking in your relationship.

Enjoy your vacation!

[Anonymous]

Read The Empowered Life. It will change your marriage for the better (though what she says is not fashionable).

[Anonymous]

Any trip where you TRY and fix your marriage will be a one way trip to fighting and divorce. You need to focus on getting enough sleep, reading a book you like, and taking a long shower. Marriage therapy and “fix the marriage trips” have the opposite effect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Read The Empowered Life. It will change your marriage for the better (though what she says is not fashionable).

Sorry the empowered wife (not life). That book has saved so many marriages and vastly improved mine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Any trip where you TRY and fix your marriage will be a one way trip to fighting and divorce. You need to focus on getting enough sleep, reading a book you like, and taking a long shower. Marriage therapy and “fix the marriage trips” have the opposite effect.

Hate to say it but there’s some truth to this

A friend went with her DH on a trip like this and they got stuck an additional week due to a natural disaster and canceled flights. Papers were filed when they got back

Anyway see if you can find one of those really intrusive games with a lot of questions about personal preference like how often do you want intimacy, how do you initiate etc and do that one night to get some answers out of him. Make your own and somehow make a game of it like strip truth or date or something picking questions out a bowl. Have some slutty game planned for every night of this vacation. Hope you get lucky at least once.

[Anonymous]

OP - is your DH any different than when you first met? Was your relationship? Was sex fun and intimate for years and then dropped off? Or was it always kind of meh but a bit better in the beginning because of new relationship energy?

The PPs writing about treatment are off/point if this is who he really is - and if you want him to be sometime different. Read about radical acceptance. Free yourself from trying fix him / your relationship. Focus on your own thoughts and nourishment. You will figure out waste nextcright steps are.

And - being divorced as a single / solo mom if he contributes $$ could be a beautiful thing. You can have sex with people who actually want sex.

Xoxo - speaking from experience

[Anonymous]

DH and I went through a rough period in our marriage and subsequent to that, he refused to have sex with me, out of resentment and unresolved anger against me. Fast forward a few more years, we are doing slightly better, and do share intimacy. I would suggest making the trip about enjoying time away from kids and usual home pressures/duties. Try to replicate the time when you two first met and were dating and getting to know each other. Don't delve into the tough discussions until you both are more relaxed and can engage on a less charged manner. I would not put sex on the agenda, and let it happen naturally.

[Anonymous]

How was life before kids ?
Was he more interested in sex ?

[Anonymous]

You seem as avoidant as he does. Get a divorce. You will end up with the kids 85% or more of the time. You don’t have to martyr yourself here. Your husband has serious mental health issues that you are not going to fix. And cancel this trip or just go and mostly ignore each other.

[Anonymous]

why did you marry this guy?

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t try to fix anything on the vacation, personally. Just relax and have fun as the people and couple you are now. There’s no abuse, it sounds like, no yelling. Just have a good time on your own and as companions.

Will he do weekly couples therapy? I think it’s really helpful to know there’s a designated time to face the issues, and you can kind of put it down the rest of the time.