Marriage not great-taking 5 day trip with DH to work on it

[Anonymous]

Op here with an update. The trip was actually really nice! We didn’t necessarily solve anything or even really talk about anything. But we had a nice vacation together at the beach and enjoyed each other’s company. It was very peaceful and even nice to be together. We had some nice meals out and watched the sunset. I wouldn’t say it brought us closer together, but it was nice to know that when you remove all the stressors, we can just enjoy being together.

I am glad we had the chance to enjoy some time together but it did nothing whatsoever to improve things in a big picture way or reset the dynamic. It went right back to what it has always been the instant we started traveling home.

And now I feel maybe a bit more discouraged than before. Because there just doesn’t seem to be anything left to try and there is no way to make this relationship better.

The trip was pretty great though!

[Anonymous]

Kids are hard at that age and can change the dynamics of a relationship. I am glad you had a great trip OP. Best of luck to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What was he like when you married him, OP? What is his family like?

This is my question? You said you've been in therapy your entire marriage. So why did you marry him? Was he very different?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here with an update. The trip was actually really nice! We didn’t necessarily solve anything or even really talk about anything. But we had a nice vacation together at the beach and enjoyed each other’s company. It was very peaceful and even nice to be together. We had some nice meals out and watched the sunset. I wouldn’t say it brought us closer together, but it was nice to know that when you remove all the stressors, we can just enjoy being together.

I am glad we had the chance to enjoy some time together but it did nothing whatsoever to improve things in a big picture way or reset the dynamic. It went right back to what it has always been the instant we started traveling home.

And now I feel maybe a bit more discouraged than before. Because there just doesn’t seem to be anything left to try and there is no way to make this relationship better.

The trip was pretty great though!

Am in a similar situation with a work addict aspie spouse, kids, and nonexistent communications unless I take the secretary updating him on life role.

I work, took a big promotion, have fun with friends and my kids, and ignore him back.

[Anonymous]

Oh and I throw money around, including awesome vacations. His aspie parents think we’re crazy to travel anywhere so there are huge disconnects everywhere.

[Anonymous]

make sure to put your phones down

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here with an update. The trip was actually really nice! We didn’t necessarily solve anything or even really talk about anything. But we had a nice vacation together at the beach and enjoyed each other’s company. It was very peaceful and even nice to be together. We had some nice meals out and watched the sunset. I wouldn’t say it brought us closer together, but it was nice to know that when you remove all the stressors, we can just enjoy being together.

I am glad we had the chance to enjoy some time together but it did nothing whatsoever to improve things in a big picture way or reset the dynamic. It went right back to what it has always been the instant we started traveling home.

And now I feel maybe a bit more discouraged than before. Because there just doesn’t seem to be anything left to try and there is no way to make this relationship better.

The trip was pretty great though!

It's so great that you can have a good time when all the stressors are removed.

Perhaps you should consider doing more getaway weekends without the kids. If you have people to watch them.

And maybe you should do low stress monthly date nights. By low stress I mean, not a lot of effort to plan. Easy to get into restaurants, theater tickets or movie tickets you can buy a few days in advance, etc.

You need more successful and frequent time together to restore the relationship. Rare one-offs can be awkward.

I predict your kids will be easier at 9 and 7 than 7 and 5. If you can get a little happier with your marriage over the next two years, that may help you stay married long-term. Don't overschedule your kids with activities as that may add stress to your life and theirs.

Lots of relationships are imperfect. Lots of bad ones don't fix or get better when the couple is alone.

I hope you can find peace and optimism to weather this tough time. I really feel it's valuable to keep families intact if possible. The stressors of modern life and divorce also impact post-divorce subsequent relationships in tough to handle ways.

[Anonymous]

There is no “restoring the relationship” with a superficial and avoidant dude like this. He’s just along for the riiiiiiiide and Op better keep driving everything and everyone forward herself.

[Anonymous]

OP: did you guys have sex? I seem to recall this was also an issue.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry but he sounds gay. Nothing wrong with being gay but don't settle for no sex life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: did you guys have sex? I seem to recall this was also an issue.

Op here. We did! Just once. And it was okayish. I mean not great. But we both finished. It lasted less than 3 minutes. I guess it’s something. But it just feels really joyless and so different from the sec I had with other partners before I got married. It’s weird. Like it doesn’t make us feel more connected or bonded. Neither of us is really present. We’re just using each other to have an orgasm. Which I guess is better than nothing. But if it were up to me there would just be so much more play and joy and experimentation. DH is the most vanilla person on the planet and I’m very far from that.

[Anonymous]

See if he's willing to getting some bloodwork done. At his age low T can really affect mood/libido. If that's low there are a variety of options to bring that up a bit. Was a game changer in my own marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: did you guys have sex? I seem to recall this was also an issue.

Op here. We did! Just once. And it was okayish. I mean not great. But we both finished. It lasted less than 3 minutes. I guess it’s something. But it just feels really joyless and so different from the sec I had with other partners before I got married. It’s weird. Like it doesn’t make us feel more connected or bonded. Neither of us is really present. We’re just using each other to have an orgasm. Which I guess is better than nothing. But if it were up to me there would just be so much more play and joy and experimentation. DH is the most vanilla person on the planet and I’m very far from that.

How did you finish in 3 min? Glad you were able to connect its a start and may want to try and build on the momentum. Might seem weird for you to initiate but it's probably the only way to go at this point

A bit surprised you got married to this person in the first place if this is what's going on but its still progress

[Anonymous]

This isn't going to help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: did you guys have sex? I seem to recall this was also an issue.

Op here. We did! Just once. And it was okayish. I mean not great. But we both finished. It lasted less than 3 minutes. I guess it’s something. But it just feels really joyless and so different from the sec I had with other partners before I got married. It’s weird. Like it doesn’t make us feel more connected or bonded. Neither of us is really present. We’re just using each other to have an orgasm. Which I guess is better than nothing. But if it were up to me there would just be so much more play and joy and experimentation. DH is the most vanilla person on the planet and I’m very far from that.

OP he may have low T but when I was in this weird situation where DH had seemingly lost interest in sex, and in me, I focused on initiating and making the sex really really good for him, all the stuff he likes, specifically. Eventually he wanted and expected sex again and is an enthusiastic participant.