Critically ill MIL/upcoming vacation/transportation issues with FIL …

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This rang a few bells. Is this you, OP?

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1174345.page

If so, it sounds like the dynamic has been a sh*t show for a while. The SIL in that older thread was asked to do a lot of elder care, almost tricked into it and the FIL treated her pretty terribly. I can see why she’d be stressed and over it.

op here - yes! That was me. Hopefully this thread won’t get deleted now because I’ve posted about my inlaws and their dynamic in the past. I think Jeff wants threads to continue rather than create new ones …

But yes, there’s multiple dynamics here. The SIL in that post is not the biological daughter, she married my BIL (my husbands brother) and they all live together.

My other SIL who is the daughter of MIL has taken FMLA and lives down the road.

ughh OP don’t get pulled down by these losers. just say “sorry I have to work.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This post reads mostly as if this whole thing is an inconvenience for you rather than the impending tragedy of losing a close family member. Glad you posted it here rather than taking it up with the family.

It’s also worth accepting that since these are your in-laws there will be dynamics you will never be able to understand. One of the gifts you can give your grieving husband is to stop demanding that he explain it to you.

If this was jeopardizing your position at work, all of you people telling this to OP would sing a different tune. She's a manager, and can't take off daily if her team is understaffed. That's just not possible.

OP needs to preserve goodwill for when she REALLY needs it. In the future, it will be FIL or OP's own parents, or God forbid something closer to home. Every time something happens, the family circle will get smaller and there will be fewer people able to help.

Here there are at least TWO other adults who have taken leave but need to be pushed to drive FIL!

You are being complete and utter jerks for putting this all on OP and her husband.

OP, talk to your husband, talk to the BIL and FIL. Sometimes there is no good time to put your foot down, but you still have to.

[Anonymous]

What is the brother doing while his father and brother are at the hospital?
No DH should not be doing all this.
I do think BIL and SIL needing to take all this time off work is crazy too though, be different if she was at home needing care. But she’s in hospital.
DH needs to man up and say no at least a couple nights a week and let it play out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This rang a few bells. Is this you, OP?

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1174345.page

If so, it sounds like the dynamic has been a sh*t show for a while. The SIL in that older thread was asked to do a lot of elder care, almost tricked into it and the FIL treated her pretty terribly. I can see why she’d be stressed and over it.

op here - yes! That was me. Hopefully this thread won’t get deleted now because I’ve posted about my inlaws and their dynamic in the past. I think Jeff wants threads to continue rather than create new ones …

But yes, there’s multiple dynamics here. The SIL in that post is not the biological daughter, she married my BIL (my husbands brother) and they all live together.

My other SIL who is the daughter of MIL has taken FMLA and lives down the road.

Definitely don't ask anything of BIL's wife, she's suffered already. But the other two had better step up!

[Anonymous]

So the real answer is that your ILs have burned out your BIL and SIL?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This rang a few bells. Is this you, OP?

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1174345.page

If so, it sounds like the dynamic has been a sh*t show for a while. The SIL in that older thread was asked to do a lot of elder care, almost tricked into it and the FIL treated her pretty terribly. I can see why she’d be stressed and over it.

op here - yes! That was me. Hopefully this thread won’t get deleted now because I’ve posted about my inlaws and their dynamic in the past. I think Jeff wants threads to continue rather than create new ones …

But yes, there’s multiple dynamics here. The SIL in that post is not the biological daughter, she married my BIL (my husbands brother) and they all live together.

My other SIL who is the daughter of MIL has taken FMLA and lives down the road.

Thanks OP, I was the poster that referenced the earlier thread. It wasn’t meant as a gotcha, just further clarified that there are all kinds of things going on with multiple family members. I know your FIL is upset and grieving, but it seems unsustainable that your DH is doing all the driving when other options have been shot down by your FIL and his other children won’t step up. Maybe your husband can try to set some limits so others will have to pitch in. And your FIL should tell the doctor that your DH can ask about your MIL’s condition. Being kept in the dark about it doesn’t help anyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This rang a few bells. Is this you, OP?

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1174345.page

If so, it sounds like the dynamic has been a sh*t show for a while. The SIL in that older thread was asked to do a lot of elder care, almost tricked into it and the FIL treated her pretty terribly. I can see why she’d be stressed and over it.

op here - yes! That was me. Hopefully this thread won’t get deleted now because I’ve posted about my inlaws and their dynamic in the past. I think Jeff wants threads to continue rather than create new ones …

But yes, there’s multiple dynamics here. The SIL in that post is not the biological daughter, she married my BIL (my husbands brother) and they all live together.

My other SIL who is the daughter of MIL has taken FMLA and lives down the road.

Well, that is one heck of a dynamic your DH’s family has (just read the other thread). No wonder you’re exhausted and frustrated. DH is probably falling into old habits as he’s facing the loss of his mother, his Dad is being secretive and weird, and his brother is checked out (giving SIL a pass).

All you can do is offer your emotional support to DH while also having a CTJ regarding what’s realistically doable without endangering your livelihoods. Then DH can let his family know.

The signs are bleak, OP, the trip is probably off the table. Review your cancellation terms and see what/when you can cancel.

[Anonymous]

Geez. All of you folks saying this lady’s husband should not be going out of his way to help his father at a time where the FIL is facing the loss of his life partner and the DH is facing the loss of his mother. Good heavens. Have you no compassion? I’m sure you’ll be the first person on DCUM complaining about ungrateful children when your kids treat you the way you’re suggesting this woman’s DH treat his father.

When my mother was dying, I drove an hour daily to pick up my dad and drive him to the hospital to be with her. He was distraught but trying to stay strong to support my mom. He admitted he couldn’t concentrate and didn’t trust his driving skills. And I wanted to be with him, to talk about our grief and to support each other. It is terrible to watch a parent or a partner die. That isn’t the time to be selfish or self-centered. OP should think about the message she’s sending to her husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Geez. All of you folks saying this lady’s husband should not be going out of his way to help his father at a time where the FIL is facing the loss of his life partner and the DH is facing the loss of his mother. Good heavens. Have you no compassion? I’m sure you’ll be the first person on DCUM complaining about ungrateful children when your kids treat you the way you’re suggesting this woman’s DH treat his father.

When my mother was dying, I drove an hour daily to pick up my dad and drive him to the hospital to be with her. He was distraught but trying to stay strong to support my mom. He admitted he couldn’t concentrate and didn’t trust his driving skills. And I wanted to be with him, to talk about our grief and to support each other. It is terrible to watch a parent or a partner die. That isn’t the time to be selfish or self-centered. OP should think about the message she’s sending to her husband.

the woman’s own children are being selfish and self-centered.

[Anonymous]

I’m going to be the voice of dissent and say to push back on DH. You can be supportive of your DH during this difficult time but you also cannot be put in the position to put your job at risk. I would tell the DH that you can only do daycare pick up X number of days per week and he has to figure out the rest. Whether it means he orders an Uber for his father, tells his siblings to drive him, takes FMLA himself or arranges childcare on those days, he has to figure it out. OP will no longer be enabling this dynamic. The DH also needs to demand the FIL allow him to speak to the medical team regarding his mother’s condition and prognosis if the FIL wants to continue to receive any rides. OP, I remember the other thread. Wishing you all luck as your FIL starts to decline himself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Geez. All of you folks saying this lady’s husband should not be going out of his way to help his father at a time where the FIL is facing the loss of his life partner and the DH is facing the loss of his mother. Good heavens. Have you no compassion? I’m sure you’ll be the first person on DCUM complaining about ungrateful children when your kids treat you the way you’re suggesting this woman’s DH treat his father.

When my mother was dying, I drove an hour daily to pick up my dad and drive him to the hospital to be with her. He was distraught but trying to stay strong to support my mom. He admitted he couldn’t concentrate and didn’t trust his driving skills. And I wanted to be with him, to talk about our grief and to support each other. It is terrible to watch a parent or a partner die. That isn’t the time to be selfish or self-centered. OP should think about the message she’s sending to her husband.

I twisted myself in a pretzel and ran myself into the ground over and over for the elders in our family. I was a SAHM. These people each have jobs they need to keep, and especially if you read the other thread, there’s a weird dynamic here. I think what most people are saying is it’s ok to prioritize your livelihoods and then do what you can do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Geez. All of you folks saying this lady’s husband should not be going out of his way to help his father at a time where the FIL is facing the loss of his life partner and the DH is facing the loss of his mother. Good heavens. Have you no compassion? I’m sure you’ll be the first person on DCUM complaining about ungrateful children when your kids treat you the way you’re suggesting this woman’s DH treat his father.

When my mother was dying, I drove an hour daily to pick up my dad and drive him to the hospital to be with her. He was distraught but trying to stay strong to support my mom. He admitted he couldn’t concentrate and didn’t trust his driving skills. And I wanted to be with him, to talk about our grief and to support each other. It is terrible to watch a parent or a partner die. That isn’t the time to be selfish or self-centered. OP should think about the message she’s sending to her husband.

I twisted myself in a pretzel and ran myself into the ground over and over for the elders in our family. I was a SAHM. These people each have jobs they need to keep, and especially if you read the other thread, there’s a weird dynamic here. I think what most people are saying is it’s ok to prioritize your livelihoods and then do what you can do.

Absolutely. Ignore the morons who haven't read all the details, or are purposefully playing devil's advocate. You will not be taking off work more than you think is fair and sustainable. Even if you get fired, your in-laws won't care one little bit. They won't ever be grateful. It will never be enough. So you might as well stop the gravy train right at this station. It's not like any of them will help you out when it's your parents' turn...

[Anonymous]

Sure, you can tell your DH to insist his siblings step up, but he probably won’t. Or he will, but his siblings won’t. Or you can tell his siblings to step up, but the won’t. Given what you’ve said about their family, nothing will change. And you can’t set boundaries for your husband. Doesn’t matter that the situation is ridiculous.

So, work under the assumption that your DH is out of the country for a month with no access to the internet and plan accordingly. Hire someone to take your daughter home (a hard thing to do, but maybe someone at the daycare can take her home and watch her for an hour) or make an accommodation at work, can you work from home for an hour after your daughter is asleep, make everything else as easy as possible at home, and cancel/reschedule the vacation.

The only things you can control are your actions and you can’t really drop the ball when it comes to picking up your daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, you have to deal, eat the PTO. Maybe you could hire a driver for MWF or something.

Please don’t ask your FIL to estimate when his wife will die so you can adjust your vacation plans. You have to just deal with this.

Read your post back and imagine it’s about your parents, or about yourself. It’s pretty harsh.

I don’t understand why my DH is somehow responsible for his Dads transportation. FIL lives with one of his sons, who has taken FMLA. His other adult child (SIL) lives within a 1 mile radius and could also drive him. Both are on leave from work right now. FIL could also drive himself.

Your husband has already answered that for you - it’s HIS family dynamic. You can vent all you want on an anonymous board, but this isn’t your issue to solve in real life.

[Anonymous]

I night of the other thread, I think it is time for you DH to do his part. BIL/SIL have earned it.