In-laws bizarre dynamic: living together edition

[Anonymous]

My FIL/MIL sold their home to my BIL and his wife last year. It was sold about $300K under market value (appraised at around ~700K but sold for 400K). The home was (and still is) quite outdated and needed several repairs and a new roof. They made a very informal agreement that in exchange for selling the home far under value, that my MIL/FIL would "always have a room if they needed it." The "always have a room" was never defined.

My MIL has ongoing, progressive health issues. Their plan was to live in a remote, rural area in their 1 bedroom cabin that doesn't have cell service. That plan has fallen through. Elderly in-laws did not make any plans or provisions for my MIL's increasing healthcare needs. My SIL (who occupies the home) is now being asked to provide occasional elder care to my MIL when my FIL goes out of town or runs errands. MIL is a fall and seizure risk with memory issues.

FIL/MIL never fully moved out. They left all of their furniture there and occupy the main bedroom. My BIL and his wife live upstairs, in his small childhood bedroom. FIL/MIL are needing to visit more frequently, as they never transferred pharmacies, physicians, etc., and my MIL has frequent hospitalizations and needs to come into the city for her healthcare. They stay for a week or so at a time, probably about 1 week out of the month or longer, plus holidays and regular doctors appointments.

There is constant tension in the home. Recently my FIL and SIL had a big fight over some dishes, that ended up in my FIL cursing at my SIL and storming out. My SIL has set up stockings for her immediate family (her sisters, mother, etc) at the home and neglected to include my MIL/FIL. My FIL is fuming, feels shoved out of the family and is considering consulting an attorney. Although he has no legal rights to the home, never set it up as a tenant in kind situation (not sure if that applies here).

My FIL feeds he is owed access to the home because he sold it far under value. My (other) SIL feels my BIL and his wife need to bend to the parent's wishes because of the sentimental and nostalgic ties to the home. My FIL and MIL did not have strong affection for my SIL prior to the sale of the home, they've only ever kind of tolerated her as part of their family and she's not really regarded as in their inner circle.

It's a bizarre dynamic to observe from the outside. No one made plans, had hard discussions or discussed how this plan would continue indefinitley. They are all very emotional and passive aggressive over the perceived slights and stepping on eachother's toes in the home. My MIL often returns from the hospital and asks for peace and quiet while she is recovering from an episode, so everyone has to tip-toe around her or my SIL avoids inviting her own family and friends over (in her own home).

My BIL (who purchased the home) is regarded as "very kind" in the family, however he was in my perception, steam rolled into this transaction by my FIL. He is so kind to the point where he becomes passive and lets other people make decisions for him. My SIL and FIL are quite bull headed in this regard and constantly bumping heads.

The odd part is my FIL offered the same arrangement to my husband and I years ago, and I strongly declined after he failed to establish clear terms of what their ongoing casual tenancy would look like: what would be their plan as they age, what if FIL had a stroke and needed long-term care, who would care for MIL in the event of FIL's incapacity, how often would they actually visit? FIL did not want to answer the hard questions and sweep it all under the rug under the guise of "family takes care of each other" and grumbled about it.

[Anonymous]

What a mess. OP, thank your lucky stars every day that you had the good judgment to decline this arrangement. I’d stay out of it.

[Anonymous]

Oof, yes, you are so lucky you didn't get sucked in!
Your ILs are lucky that BIL and SIL aren't vindictive people as they hold all the cards.

[Anonymous]

I was waiting for the part where you were personally asked in some way to intervene, fix anything, do anything, mediate, etc. I was then waiting for the part where your husband was expected to get involved. Then I realized you were just spending your time and ours typing out this pointless, gossipy diatribe that has naught to do with you.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like a nightmare that you are well out of!

[Anonymous]

Is SIL the same person as brother’s wife?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was waiting for the part where you were personally asked in some way to intervene, fix anything, do anything, mediate, etc. I was then waiting for the part where your husband was expected to get involved. Then I realized you were just spending your time and ours typing out this pointless, gossipy diatribe that has naught to do with you.

OP may be a gossip but you are rude.

[Anonymous]

At this point and considering interest rates the best fix might be a renovation to install an in law suite to help make everyone more comfortable.

[Anonymous]

I'm glad outcomes like this can be discussed in an anonymous forum like this. Thanks, OP.

It is really easy to slide unknowingly into these sorts of situations when you buy into "everything will surely work out." But sometimes (or often?) it doesn't.

Clear roles and expectations would be more kind to everyone involved in the long run.

[Anonymous]

Put the house on the market and everyone finds a new living arrangement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At this point and considering interest rates the best fix might be a renovation to install an in law suite to help make everyone more comfortable.

OP here, this is actually a great suggestion. I’m going to mention it to my husband. There is a vacant, unfinished basement.

[Anonymous]

Is there unfinished attic space that could be turned too? Might help. Or a bump out.

[Anonymous]

How does SIL feel about having to provide care?

[Anonymous]

I have a different take on it, OP. The BIL you perceive as "kind" has in reality contributed badly to this present crisis by not exercising critical thinking like you did, in the moment it mattered.

My BIL is like this too. He's very generous, but very vague and overly optimistic. He keeps getting taken advantage of by contractors, co-workers, relatives of his (now ex-)wife, friends who need help.... because he's that sort of person. He ends up in crazy situations that my husband (his brother) warned him would happen, but that he thought would turn out all right.

I have sympathy for BIL's wife here. Was she kept out of the loop when your FIL proposed this to his son? If I were her, I would refuse to live with my in-laws, and refuse to be their eldercare support. That sort of job isn't worth whatever discount they got on the house! I suppose there isn't enough money to buy another house or build an addition?

[Anonymous]

I'm... kind of going to side the parents here. They don't have a legal right (they should have done some kind of life estate or trust situation), but they made it super clear what the plan was. "Always" have a room available, as long as they "need" it and the MIL clearly has health issues.

Deal was clear enough that OP saw it and wisely refused the offer. BIL and SIL took the deal and all that it entails.