Critically ill MIL/upcoming vacation/transportation issues with FIL …
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Anonymous
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My MIL is critically ill and does not appear to be getting better, if not slowly worse. She is on a ventilator and FIL just signed her DNR. FIL is not entirely clear with her clinical state: if there’s hope for recovery or if she will likely continue to deteriorate. He gives one word answers and won’t give DH permission to talk to the clinical team about MIL’s state. She was in the ICU for over 10 days, and has been in a long-term acute hospital now for 30 days. She keeps getting worse: her mental status has not cleared, she’s had issues with blood pressure, vomiting, edema …
My SIL and BIL are both off work right now due to the grief and stress. DH is still working. FIL is expecting DH to drive him to the hospital everyday. It will add 1-1.5hrs to DH’s commute. DH will get home after daycare pickup time (5PM) and I’m being asked to leave work early to accommodate DH transporting FIL to the hospital. FIL can drive just fine. He just doesn’t want to deal with commuting to the city by himself. We have a trip planned to Germany and Switzerland in April. Parts of the vacation are not refundable at this point, we do have travel insurance but I’m not sure it would be covered. DH has asked FIL how serious the situation is and he just won’t answer. We have no idea if we should cancel our trip. I’m very sad for my DH losing his mom. I’m not really in a position to be adjusting my work schedule for FIL. I’m a manager in a government agency, we are understaffed and there really isn’t anyone able to step in and help with my work tasks. I would have to leave work an hour early everyday to pick up DS from daycare. SIL/BIL have made no efforts to step in and help with their dad’s transportation to and from the hospital. FIL does just fine driving out to his remote cabin 2+ hours away on the weekends to give himself a break, but can’t drive himself to the hospital. BIL and FIL live together!! I know I sound unsympathetic. I asked my DH why he is being expected to take on the tasks of transporting his Dad to/from the hospital and he just said it’s his family dynamic. |
Anonymous
| I would offer to pay for an airbnb walking/busing distance from the hospital for FIL for the duration. If he wants more help than that then he can allow your DH to discuss the situation with the care team so that you can actually understand what is happening. It’s unfair to refuse to give you the means to plan your lives around this health crisis AND expect you to drop everything. |
Anonymous
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Yeah, you have to deal, eat the PTO. Maybe you could hire a driver for MWF or something.
Please don’t ask your FIL to estimate when his wife will die so you can adjust your vacation plans. You have to just deal with this. Read your post back and imagine it’s about your parents, or about yourself. It’s pretty harsh. |
Anonymous
He was offered to stay in a "friend of a friends" Airbnb condo at a big discount for 30 days within walking distance of the hospital/restaurants/etc. He said no. It would have been around $1500. His mortgage is paid off and he gets around $9000/month in retirement from both him and MIL’s pensions. He is still persistent that DH should be picking him up/dropping him off at the hospital (in which he would be arriving at 6AM, 2 hours before visiting hours). When DH asks him direct questions about MIL’s care he is very cagey, non-direct and either gives non answers or says yes/no and changes the subject. DH is getting frustrated but also afraid to confront his Dad. |
Anonymous
I don’t understand why my DH is somehow responsible for his Dads transportation. FIL lives with one of his sons, who has taken FMLA. His other adult child (SIL) lives within a 1 mile radius and could also drive him. Both are on leave from work right now. FIL could also drive himself. |
Anonymous
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Your DH needs to insist that SIL/BIL do some of the driving. It sounds like your FIL does not feel comfortable driving on his own in the city and that's fair given his age and the stress he is under.
It seems like there's a lot of denial and stonewalling going on in this family. But sometimes you should know something without being told. 30 days in long-term acute, not getting better, signed DNR = your MIL is going to pass away. You don't need your FIL to say it. It's silly for your DH to ask "how serious". It's very serious! Obviously. That's what "acute" means. |
Anonymous
Maybe there's something going on that you don't know about (like a DUI). I think your DH needs to say no to driving on a particular day and let FIL decide whether to ask another sibling or to drive himself. Let whatever happens happen. As for the vacation, you'll just have to deal. Cancel it now if you don't want to lose your deposits. |
Anonymous
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For the immediate transportation situation, you need to do whatever it takes. Can you or your husband take FMLA for this? I get that things are tight at work but they'll get through it. Emergency situations are expected, so your supervisor should be able to figure out how to handle things. The government agency won't collapse because of you. I'm not trying to be flippant. I'm trying to help you shift your thinking.
The same goes for your husbands job. Why isn't he taking time off for this? I would arrange a dinner meeting with your SIL and BIL to coordinate transportation. It's possible your inlaws just feel too overwhelmed and they need your husband to take charge and tell them what to do. I say this from experience... And my husband and I were the ones who needed direction from SIL. As for future plans, has your husband called the doctors directly? |
Anonymous
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My gosh, FIL's wife is on a vent. We learned during Covid that vent usually means you are on the way out of this world. He wants his son to drive him to the hospital for support.
I'd look into a motel next to the hospital. They offer free shuttles to the hospitals. Sometimes the Ronald McDonald houses next to the hospitals will allow adults to stay for free if they have rooms open. They have free shuttles to the hospitals. That said, FIL probably feels more comfortable in his own home. EVERYONE WITH ELDERLY PARENTS SHOULD ALWAYS BOOK REFUNDABLE TRAVEL. It is a little pricier. If you have to cancel you get your money back. If you book non refundable you risk losing what you paid in if you have to cancel. ALWAYS BOOK REFUNDABLE TRAVEL. DH Mom is most likely dying. You need to back off and let him provide the support he needs to for his Dad. I guess you and the kids could go on the luxury non refundable trip to Europe while DH helps to support his Dad. Families support each other during tough times. I agree with a prior poster that your post comes across as harsh. |
Anonymous
| Also, if you work in the government this situation would qualify you for FMLA. If your husband works for the government he would also qualify for FMLA. |
Anonymous
| She will most certainly not be around in April. |
Anonymous
FIL may simply prefer to hang out in the car with DH while riding to the hospital as his wife is dying. If my spouse was dying in the hospital I'd prefer to have someone drive me to the hospital to see my spouse. |
Anonymous
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This post reads mostly as if this whole thing is an inconvenience for you rather than the impending tragedy of losing a close family member. Glad you posted it here rather than taking it up with the family.
It’s also worth accepting that since these are your in-laws there will be dynamics you will never be able to understand. One of the gifts you can give your grieving husband is to stop demanding that he explain it to you. |
Anonymous
\\ Yes but her funeral might happen during the trip. Not to be morbid but... seems like short of a miraculous recovery, this trip isn't happening. |
Anonymous
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I'll be the hard a$$. There is no reason your DH should have to drive 1.5 hours out of his way when his BROTHER (who is not working) lives in the same house as Dad and could drive. Or book an Uber for himself and Dad if for some reason brother can't drive. Why is this all on your DH? There are 3 siblings. They need to step up.
FWIW. I have elderly parents so I've dealt with health issues. Everyone has to pitch in. You don't get to throw your hands up in the air and leave it to the one person who decides to step up (because someone will). |