Critically ill MIL/upcoming vacation/transportation issues with FIL …

[Anonymous]

How far away is the hospital? Can you order an Uber for the FIL? Or, can you outsource a driver for to and from the hospital?

[Anonymous]

What you actually have is a husband problem. He is failing to set any boundaries, which then puts a burden on you that is jeopardizing your job. I would ask him to sit down this weekend and start creating a family budget for when you lose your job. Perhaps that will help your husband see how serious this is.

And I would think about what kind of ultimatum you may or may not be willing to make. Perhaps at least put a timeline on this madness? If my husband was willing to jeopardize our family’s finances to drive someone that had completely reasonable other options available, it would be a very serious matter to me.

[Anonymous]

Take the kids on the planned vacation but let DH stay behind if he wants.
Let him drive FIL and hire someone to pick up your kid.
Judging by what you wrote your MIL won’t last more than 6 months or so.

[Anonymous]

Team OP here, but OP you need to talk to your DH. Specifically: would he want to be on vacation if MIL has just passed? Would he mind being gone when she does pass? Listen and then cancel the trip if appropriate.

Also, it seems obvious FIL wants emotional support more than the ride. Can your DH make other plans (like in the evening) to spend time with him? Take leave and adjust the hospital visit to also do school pickup?

I didn't read the entire other thread about your ILs: can BIL pick up your kids in exchange for DH dealing with FIL?

[Anonymous]

Your DH needs to tell FIL (and his siblings) he can drive him on an occasional basis or in an emergency but he can not be his daily driver. Your DH also need to go to the hospital and be there when the doctor comes by to find out more about her status and prognosis. You also keep your vacation scheduled for April. Sounds like she may pass soon in which there's no issue. If she passes while you're on vacation you deal with it when it happens (travel insurance will also help with this).

[Anonymous]

Did read the whole thread so perhaps this has been addressed, but why is it all or nothing when it comes to transporting FIL to the hospital. OP and husband should talk about what they CAN do and feel comfortable with. Two days a week? So OP takes two hours of PTO each week? OP's husband needs to speak up and say that the driving of FIL needs to be a shared responsibility with his siblings. And FIL should drive himself once a week? I mean, insist that their must be a middle ground.
Also, can the kids stay at daycare any later than 5 for a fee? Or does the place close at 5?

[Anonymous]

Op you come off sounding kind of awful. Cancel the trip so your dh has one less thing to worry about. Burn your pto to handle pick ups or hire a college kid/part time nanny to handle pick ups or night shifts ft so you can do extra work from home. Your dh wants/needs to be there for his family for a medical crisis. You need to support that. You don’t need to micromanage or judge what that looks like.

[Anonymous]

I asked my DH why he is being expected to take on the tasks of transporting his Dad to/from the hospital and he just said it’s his family dynamic

If DH won't change, you can't force it.

Re: The Trip. Making a tough decision doesn't change just because you make the decision earlier. Your family will deal with the decision when the time comes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Geez. All of you folks saying this lady’s husband should not be going out of his way to help his father at a time where the FIL is facing the loss of his life partner and the DH is facing the loss of his mother. Good heavens. Have you no compassion? I’m sure you’ll be the first person on DCUM complaining about ungrateful children when your kids treat you the way you’re suggesting this woman’s DH treat his father.

When my mother was dying, I drove an hour daily to pick up my dad and drive him to the hospital to be with her. He was distraught but trying to stay strong to support my mom. He admitted he couldn’t concentrate and didn’t trust his driving skills. And I wanted to be with him, to talk about our grief and to support each other. It is terrible to watch a parent or a partner die. That isn’t the time to be selfish or self-centered. OP should think about the message she’s sending to her husband.

OP cannot risk her employment. Nor can DH.

Get FIL an Uber account. Have DH say it's that and he can drive him on Saturday. You can't put your jobs at risk. She may linger for months. Alternatively, if you can hire a college student for daycare pickup that may be affordable? I agree the others should step up but they haven't and you can't control them. DH either needs a firm foot down re: weekday rides or to outsource driving or to outsource pickups. Those things you DO have control over.

I'd assume the vacation is unlikely and consider what you can do re: cancellations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Geez. All of you folks saying this lady’s husband should not be going out of his way to help his father at a time where the FIL is facing the loss of his life partner and the DH is facing the loss of his mother. Good heavens. [/b]Have you no compassion?[b] I’m sure you’ll be the first person on DCUM complaining about ungrateful children when your kids treat you the way you’re suggesting this woman’s DH treat his father.

When my mother was dying, I drove an hour daily to pick up my dad and drive him to the hospital to be with her. He was distraught but trying to stay strong to support my mom. He admitted he couldn’t concentrate and didn’t trust his driving skills. And I wanted to be with him, to talk about our grief and to support each other. It is terrible to watch a parent or a partner die. That isn’t the time to be selfish or self-centered. OP should think about the message she’s sending to her husband.

Have you no reading comprehension? There are 2 other siblings, one of whom LIVES with FIL and is not working. There is absolutely no reason OP’s DH should be the daily chauffeur. Call me selfish. I call it growing a backbone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Geez. All of you folks saying this lady’s husband should not be going out of his way to help his father at a time where the FIL is facing the loss of his life partner and the DH is facing the loss of his mother. Good heavens. Have you no compassion? I’m sure you’ll be the first person on DCUM complaining about ungrateful children when your kids treat you the way you’re suggesting this woman’s DH treat his father.

When my mother was dying, I drove an hour daily to pick up my dad and drive him to the hospital to be with her. He was distraught but trying to stay strong to support my mom. He admitted he couldn’t concentrate and didn’t trust his driving skills. And I wanted to be with him, to talk about our grief and to support each other. It is terrible to watch a parent or a partner die. That isn’t the time to be selfish or self-centered. OP should think about the message she’s sending to her husband.

I twisted myself in a pretzel and ran myself into the ground over and over for the elders in our family. I was a SAHM. These people each have jobs they need to keep, and especially if you read the other thread, there’s a weird dynamic here. I think what most people are saying is it’s ok to prioritize your livelihoods and then do what you can do.

Absolutely. Ignore the morons who haven't read all the details, or are purposefully playing devil's advocate. You will not be taking off work more than you think is fair and sustainable. Even if you get fired, your in-laws won't care one little bit. They won't ever be grateful. It will never be enough. So you might as well stop the gravy train right at this station. It's not like any of them will help you out when it's your parents' turn...

Op here. PP - you nailed it. If my job is on the line or I’m missing projects, IL’s won’t care. Both of her children are taking FMLA but neither are actually doing anything to help. I’m so irritated that I’m being asked to do anything when there’s two other kids who could step in before me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What you actually have is a husband problem. He is failing to set any boundaries, which then puts a burden on you that is jeopardizing your job. I would ask him to sit down this weekend and start creating a family budget for when you lose your job. Perhaps that will help your husband see how serious this is.

And I would think about what kind of ultimatum you may or may not be willing to make. Perhaps at least put a timeline on this madness? If my husband was willing to jeopardize our family’s finances to drive someone that had completely reasonable other options available, it would be a very serious matter to me.

That's very true. It seems all of FIL and MIL's children are doormats, which ultimately makes life very hard for everyone who married into this family.