Do you feel you knew what you were getting into with marriage? How long did you date?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We dated for a year before getting engaged and then another 1.5 years before getting married.

The big surprise was DH was upfront that he had career goals that would require the wife to put their own career on hold and probably quit, and that was OK to me at the time as I certainly had no plans to be director one day... but it ended up not going so well.

Turns out, I got so bored and hated being trapped with screaming kids for 12 hours every single day. Covid lockdowns were the final straw. I felt DH sort of lost respect for me at the time as well; he always seemed annoyed and short with me. I ultimately worked very hard to get back into the workplace part time and now there is more balance. He seems to appreciate not having to be the sole provider and I appreciate not being the sole caregiver. Everyone seems a lot happier at the end of the day.

Your kids scream 12 hours a day?! Smh…

[Anonymous]

Met as freshman in college (19), married at 29 after an 8 month engagement. Our kids were born 5 years and 9 years after we married. Now married 15 years. I think the thing that was the hardest / biggest surprise was that I’d always envisioned moving out of our tiny apartment and away from our crappy budget once he finished his (very long) PhD because our studio was the only thing I wasn’t loving about DC. He applied to and got his “dream job” (now does something else) in another state. I was surprised how angry I was and wonder if I would have stayed with him if we didn’t have our first kid at the time. I also feel like we’ve never aged up well - I still love hanging out with him and we have a good sex life and a lot of fun, but we’re not very good at juggling the realities of meal planning and carpooling and laundry etc. The disorder tends to bother me more than him. Extended family dynamics have changed as our parents have aged in ways that are too. And I wish now in our 40s I could solve his snoring. I am not surprised (or maybe pleasantly surprised) but what a playful dad he is and I feel like our values generally align well. Oh - we didn’t live together but spent most nights at one person’s home or the other. Actually, after we got married his lease had another month and I had work travel so he just stayed in his apartment and moved when his lease ended, so we didn’t live together the first month we were married!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dated 2.5 years. One year was long distance. So many surprises. He lied about dealbreakers. No way I could have known in advance. Divorced after 10 years of marriage. I wanted a divorce immediately, but everybody told me to wait, which is my biggest regret —not getting out immediately, when true colors were finally shown.

I want to know about then surprises and lies and dealbreakers ...

That he believed in God.
That he would go to church once a month.
That we would only move twice.
That not having kids is what he wanted (my dealbreaker is that I would not have kids with him because of certain things)
That he would I be supportive of my starting a business while I worked full time.

Other surprises:
We did not have sex after we were married except when he decided he changed his mind about kids

He was on the computer every night as soon as he was done with work

We barely spoke

Divorce threats for years for no reason

I was not allowed to go to the grocery store because he wanted to control food coming into the house.

NP. Re: the bold above -- please tell us you did not get pregnant by this lying lunatic. Was he just without any libido, or was he punitively withholding sex from you in hopes you would cave and let him get you knocked up just out of desperation to have sex?? Whatever was going on about sex and kids, it was unhealthy and warped on his side. Wow.

Low T. Yes, he forced a pregnancy when I got tired of saying no once. He admitted to what he was doing. Had an accident one other time years later. No sex between the conceptions or after. Married a decade. Stayed for kids until I could not stay any longer.

[Anonymous]

Pp here. Typo: should have said in ways that are challenging

[Anonymous]

We met when I was very young (23) and got married 18 months later after living together pretty much immediately. Marriage has been a lot harder and more work than we both expected. But, we’ve powered through and have been married 24 years. We’ve discussed divorce multiple times, mostly because I was unhappy, but marriage counseling has helped enormously.

The first 5 years were pretty easy but there surprises: his money anxiety and anxiety generally, the amount of time & energy it took for him to self-regulate, differences in our his lack of empathy, and how difficult his family would be. Then, we added kids and I was surprised by his approach to parenting. I think he was surprised by my moodiness (I had horrible PMS for decades despite working with multiple docs to find solutions), how hard I found parenting to be, my standards around parenting (very high, turns out his parents had no standards), and my overall life outlook that you need to take chances and life will turn out fine.

Those are a lot of surprises! Add to that: we had no clue how to communicate when in conflict. But, thankfully, we always adored one another, really enjoyed spending time together, enjoyed being with and raising our kids and we’ve always been highly connected, physically. We’re both loyal and were committed to the relationship so we made it work most of the time.

25+ years later we’re both grateful that we made the investment in counseling and we’re enjoying life as empty nesters. It would have been nice if it had been easier for the middle decade but we learned a lot and one of the biggest unexpected gifts has been watching each other grow and build skills. I had a lot to learn about enmeshment and co-dependency. It sounds cheesy but I’m very proud of both of us for evolving and we’re in a place now where I have zero doubts about our ability to live happily together for the next 25 years despite what’s ahead of us (aging parents, our own aging).

[Anonymous]

I did because my parents modeled working together, good communication, setting values, working hard, etc.

My husband however, just said a bunch of Uh Huhs and cliches and I now know has very poor communication (as do his parents) and unrealistic expectations of everything from picking up after himself, to parenting, to planning a vacation.

Unf I was so good at it and so were his roommates and office, he just tags along and never developed life skills. But with a sr job, house and kids, he’s failing and we’re all suffering.

[Anonymous]

Met at 24. Married 8 years later. Lived together for about 3 years before marriage, so I thought I knew what I was getting into. He was attentive, loving, and divided household responsibilities with me evenly. He talked up being a parent and having kids but clearly didn’t understand the realities of those responsibilities. One the reality of parenthood hit he mentally checked out, so now I’m stuck with 95% of parenting responsibilities for 2 young kids. We both WFH full-time, and my job is the more demanding of the two. I’m burned out and drowning, but he doesn’t actually seem to care anymore. Everything is my fault.
I was blindsided. There were no warning signs but, looking back at things, I should have paid more attention to the dynamic between his parents. His mother carried all responsibilities for house and 3 kids while working full time, and his father never lifted a finger to help her. Turns out, DH is exactly like his dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you've been married at least 5 years (and especially if you've been married 10+), have there been any big surprises from your partner or from your marriage generally? Or is it basically what you expected, with maybe some adjustments as you've gotten older and wiser?

Also, if you don't mind sharing: how long did you date before getting engaged/married, did you cohabitate before marriage and for how long, and how old were you and your partner when you married?

Zero agenda here, just curious about people's answers. I'll post mine below in a minute.

My second husband and I are fine, but my first marriage was a disaster. Disregarding the abuse, I was otherwise unprepared for a spouse that would always put his family of origin first and resent if I ever put my family of origin first. We dated 4 years and were engaged one. I was always very naive about mental illness.

[Anonymous]

We got engaged at nine months and married at 16 months. We did not live together. There have been some things — both good and bad — that we could not truly anticipate. For example, I could not see quite how bad his ADHD was until we had kids. But the reality is that he is super involved and does lots of cleaning and kid stuff. But I am the great orchestrator of it all and definitely have to do all the cooking. I think we ultimately have a more equitable labor split than most couples.

I could never have really predicted just how incredibly supportive he is of my career. I would not have anticipated that I would outearn him by several multiples. Most men would freak out about a wife who travels and works as much as I have over the years. And then they get all insecure when their wife makes more than them — I don’t have this problem.

I also could never have predicted how he would have dealt with having one kid with profound intellectual disability and another kid with cancer. He has been amazing when many men bail under such ridiculously challenging circumstances.

But overall, there haven’t really been “surprises”. I knew I was marrying a fundamentally good man and that we had a shared values system. Nothing about that has changed. Married now for almost 20 years.

[Anonymous]

I'm so envious reading these replies, and also a little bitter wondering if all these PPs who got married to people they barely knew are the same people who smugly post "couldn't you tell that when you were dating?" on every thread. But I'm guilty of once being that smug person too, if I'm honest.

Ex-H and I became friends in high school and began dating at 19. Bought a house together at 27, officially got engaged at 28, married at 29. Mutually decided we did not want children. We had a great group of friends we'd had since high school and a really nice life. We never fought, had great communication and mutual respect. Shared chores and cooking evenly. Our world views and day-to-day habits were in sync. I felt so lucky that my love life had come so easily.

In year 12 of marriage, he gave me an STD and admitted he'd had sex with men (three of them to be exact). I later learned he'd been having sex with countless (hundreds?) of men our entire relationship, in our house, in our bed. (He worked from home.) Oh, and also that he enjoyed crossdressing and had started posing as a woman online in high school. In other words, he knew this about himself before we started dating.

He was masterful at hiding his double life. There wasn't a single time when something seemed off or his story didn't line up. In fact, steadiness, loyalty, and integrity were defining traits of his in my mind. And he was always interested in sex with me -- no clues there. Our one and only issue, and I suppose clue in retrospect, was that he treated me like a buddy outside of the bedroom. He wasn't touchy-feely with me unless it was during sex. But I just thought that was a consequence of us getting together young and having a deep friendship, more than lust, after so many years together.

I think I was just unlucky (in this -- but lucky in many other respects). Womp womp.

[Anonymous]

Met at 23 and 24, married 5 years later, been together for a total of 25 years. Two kids.

Yes a ton of surprises! Good and bad. I don’t think anyone can really be prepared for marriage, I think it’s really a second childhood at all about growing up. Getting over yourself and having someone to push and pull against helps you grow.

I’m a big fan but it is not always been easy. I think we have a solid marriage but it’s always something to work on and we are not always working on it. We go through phases and then get out of them.

[Anonymous]

Married 24 years, friends for ~8 before that, dated for ~4. Obviously, no surprises. Though, we did not live together before, so I guess it was a bit of a surprise that DH became much more domestic in our home than he was in his bachelor pad (thankfully!).

No surprises does not mean no change, though. You never really know how you yourself, let alone your spouse, is going to evolve with major changes like parenthood, job changes, location moves, menopause/midlife, retirement, injury/illness/death of self or loved ones. You have to be flexible and allow each other to grow and support each other through difficulties.

[Anonymous]

Dated 5 years, married 26.

After 11 years of knowing each other, 5 years of marriage my H developed PTSD. His personality completely changed.

I could never, ever, ever imagine the intense stress/abuse/turmoil that could just appear what seemed like out of nowhere.

I spent 13 years trying to get him help to no avail. I asked for a divorce and he started therapy but the amount of abuse I had undergone was just too much.

Luckily, the therapy helped him become a good person and good father.

Six years later he moved out. Three years later he filed for divorce.

We are very close friends, I'm sorry for his misfortune, I care deeply about him, but he still can't control his abusive ways.

I'm not sure if all my numbers add up exactly correctly.

[Anonymous]

No, not at all.

In fact, I thought I did but it turned out to be completely different from what I thought.

Dated 2 years.

Married 19

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm so envious reading these replies, and also a little bitter wondering if all these PPs who got married to people they barely knew are the same people who smugly post "couldn't you tell that when you were dating?" on every thread. But I'm guilty of once being that smug person too, if I'm honest.

Ex-H and I became friends in high school and began dating at 19. Bought a house together at 27, officially got engaged at 28, married at 29. Mutually decided we did not want children. We had a great group of friends we'd had since high school and a really nice life. We never fought, had great communication and mutual respect. Shared chores and cooking evenly. Our world views and day-to-day habits were in sync. I felt so lucky that my love life had come so easily.

In year 12 of marriage, he gave me an STD and admitted he'd had sex with men (three of them to be exact). I later learned he'd been having sex with countless (hundreds?) of men our entire relationship, in our house, in our bed. (He worked from home.) Oh, and also that he enjoyed crossdressing and had started posing as a woman online in high school. In other words, he knew this about himself before we started dating.

He was masterful at hiding his double life. There wasn't a single time when something seemed off or his story didn't line up. In fact, steadiness, loyalty, and integrity were defining traits of his in my mind. And he was always interested in sex with me -- no clues there. Our one and only issue, and I suppose clue in retrospect, was that he treated me like a buddy outside of the bedroom. He wasn't touchy-feely with me unless it was during sex. But I just thought that was a consequence of us getting together young and having a deep friendship, more than lust, after so many years together.

I think I was just unlucky (in this -- but lucky in many other respects). Womp womp.

I’m so sorry.

I’m PP, and the last man I dated before DH was a closeted gay man. I felt so naive when I found out…you’re definitely not the only person to fall for this.