Do you feel you knew what you were getting into with marriage? How long did you date?

[Anonymous]

If you've been married at least 5 years (and especially if you've been married 10+), have there been any big surprises from your partner or from your marriage generally? Or is it basically what you expected, with maybe some adjustments as you've gotten older and wiser?

Also, if you don't mind sharing: how long did you date before getting engaged/married, did you cohabitate before marriage and for how long, and how old were you and your partner when you married?

Zero agenda here, just curious about people's answers. I'll post mine below in a minute.

[Anonymous]

No surprises. Dated 6 years, and lived together for four of those.

[Anonymous]

Married 15 years. DH and I dated for less than a year before marriage.

Absolutely zero surprises. Like none. Some people are that transparent.

[Anonymous]

We got married stunningly fast, within six months of meeting. For me there were no surprises. I assumed that he would get worse not better with time, and decided that I could be happy being married to him even if he was ten times worse. He is a very open and authentic person. He on the other hand was surprised. I tried to lead with my faults and was very transparent with how bad my depression could get, but I guess he didn’t really get it. The post-partum period was hard!!! Luckily he is very committed to commitment so he is rolling with it.

Overall things are good. We have been married 16 years, two kids, 11 and 14.

[Anonymous]

I was surprised that we got more mature. Our style of fighting was horrible and DH insisted on couples counseling. Revolutionary. I had no idea things could be this good.

Everything else was as expected.

[Anonymous]

Married 16 years. O surprises and things like I expected-good. Dated 2 years and 1 of those lived together.

[Anonymous]

Married 12 years. Dated about 1.5 years before getting engaged and married a little after the 2 year mark. Marriage is exactly what I expected. During the time we dated we went through a family medical emergency, a health scare, God awful jobs that made us very stressed out, and grad school (the tail end for him, the beginning for me) while working. He was exactly what I hoped and expected in a partner.

We aren't perfect but we are both pretty laid back people so kind of just go with the flow and don't get upset over small things.

[Anonymous]

Dated 2.5 years. One year was long distance. So many surprises. He lied about dealbreakers. No way I could have known in advance. Divorced after 10 years of marriage. I wanted a divorce immediately, but everybody told me to wait, which is my biggest regret —not getting out immediately, when true colors were finally shown.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Married 10 years. Dated 5 years before getting married and lived together for 4 years, though we were actually engaged after just one year cohabitating and then had an economic emergency and postponed until we could be in a more stable place financially and could afford a proper wedding. Everyone thought we were putting it off because of cold feet! Instead we were just really in sync and basically already made the commitment to each other, just wanted to be able to afford a bigger party and a real honeymoon, and wanted to have already purchased a home together before doing that.

No real surprises. I have been mildly frustrated with DH's tendency to check out a bit as a parent (not totally checked out, he's probably more involved than average, but less than I'd like). However, if I look back, this isn't a surprise as he has always had some tendency to avoid when uncomfortable. I think he was probably a little surprised of how much I ask of him emotionally since having kids, but ultimately I think that's been good for us. Overall very happy and I think our relationship has made us better people. Impossible to imagine being with someone else at this point.

[Anonymous]

Dated 4 years, married at 25. We’ve been married 14 years now. Zero surprises. Marriage has been better than I ever expected and I had high expectations

[Anonymous]

Dated five years, did not cohabitate. I was 40, spouse 52. The surprise for me is how much I enjoy every single day with my spouse after 20+ years.

[Anonymous]

OP, how old are you? I can think of plenty of couples (well-educated and successful) where sh*t hit the proverbial fan when one of the spouses was in their early or mid 40s (severe mental health symptoms, affairs, other situations that were insane deal breakers (e.g. crazy legal stuff)).

These were all people who could be your neighbors. You’re probably fine but sometimes things can be completely stable forever, and then just implode. 10 years ago, I would’ve said it was very rare. Now, I can think of several people to whom this happened. Still probably rare, but not nonexistent.

Also, people keep things quiet to the outside/to most people. But there can be a lot of darkness instead of marriage that most people don’t know about.

[Anonymous]

Dated two months. Eloped at 10 months. Absolutely nothing is as we expected. But it hasn’t mattered. We are the people for one another. May everyone be as lucky.

[Anonymous]

Married 14 years. Dated 5 years before. The surprise is myself- I have changed a lot and don’t feel like I have the same goals as DH anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Married 15 years. DH and I dated for less than a year before marriage.

Absolutely zero surprises. Like none. Some people are that transparent.

+1 my DH is pretty transparent. We dated 1 year, engaged for 6 months. No cohabitation prior and no real surprises. Deepening of understanding, sure. But I can’t hunk of anything I didn’t see traces of during the dating period.