Do you feel you knew what you were getting into with marriage? How long did you date?

[Anonymous]

Married 20-plus years. Got engaged after about a year of dating and married 8 months after that. Did not live together.

The biggest surprise for me was how deeply and pervasively the emotional abuse DH received from his father would affect a wide range of things in our relationship and DH's approach to parenting. I knew his father had died from alcoholism (long before we met), that the alcoholism was a major factor in his parents' divorce, and that his father had not been nice to his mother when drunk. But I was told repeatedly what a great father he was to DH and his brother.

After we were married, DH would tell stories that in his mind were funny memories but to me sounded cruel, like purposely continuing to do something that terriified a kid to see them freak out. DH was in deep denial, and it wasn't until we had been married several years that DH, after listening to a random podcast about a family with an emotionally abusive father, admitted to himself and me that his own father had been emotionally abusive.

DH tries really hard not to be his father, and on the whole, he is a good dad. But there have been times where he has overracted to kid behaviors, especially in the tween years.

There were also some financial things that we discussed before marriage where I thought we were on the same page, but after marriage he changed his tune. I felt coerced into some decisions but went along to keep the peace because it was obvious that he was (and still is) incapable of understanding that you can have a healthy marriage even if not every financial account is shared jointly.

[Anonymous]

Married 21 years. No real red flags with wife for a good 12 or so years. When we got together it became apparent after a couple years that her mom is exceptionally irresponsible with money, spending more than she has coming in, now cant afford to buy a house and is renting.

My wife has developed very concerning financial habits and has no respect for saving money. Believes you don’t achieve financial security by saving. She spends everything she makes and maxes out every credit card she has access to. I cancelled all joint CC and have to have separate checking account that I will put money in as needed, so that it doesn’t get wasted.

I am 52 and make 500k a year approx, she makes 60k. I pay every bill, tuition and such, she blows her 60k and was recently trying to have less taxes taken out so she could bring home more weekly, putting the burden of paying her taxes on me.

If she has access to 5k it will be gone in a week. A cc with a 10k limit will be maxed out in a month. Learned behavior from mom, who spent them out of owning a home and set the example to always lie about money and purchases to husband.

This may be a case where “cheaper to keep her” doesn’t apply.

[Anonymous]

Two weeks before engaged, two years before married, no cohabitation. Now married nearly fifteen years. Pretty successful so far.

Spouse resembles his parents and the rest of his family, so make sure you get along with them, bc they are not the ones your hormones will burble at when you first meet. Try to find someone whose annoying tendencies are complimentary to yours. Or at least will not bother you too much. And the same in the other direction.

[Anonymous]

Lots of surprises, some wonderful, some not. To me that’s life. We are both different than we were 20+ years ago. The biggest surprise is how much we each have changed since we met. Fortunately we still like each other. I read once that people underestimate how much they will change in adulthood and that has been true for me. And will continue to be true I think.

[Anonymous]

Married 14 years and we’re together almost 4 years when we got married.

The biggest surprise came from my MIL who flipped a switch to being downright mean to my DH and thus me. Literally she came up with several grudges at the wedding itself and the way she acted in the years afterward has damaged our relationship. Now it has its ups and downs, but it’s more neutral than it was.

I was not expecting that curve ball when we first got married though. She has biggest the pain point in our marriage. I’m sure she has no idea. It’s made me spend a lot of time thinking how I can love and respect my own kids as they grow into adults.

[Anonymous]

Married for 12 years — I was 26 and he was 30. Dated for 3 years together for 1 year. 3 kids and we each have a “big” job.

Marriage is easier than expected. We really pour ourselves into each other — our marriage comes first and that works best. DH has matured significantly beyond what I expected (quit drinking, really worked on himself). He’s a better dad than I could have imagined (which doesn’t surprise me because his own father is selfless and a fantastic example). Of course there have been ups and downs, but very happy with what we have built. I am also aware that we have been lucky financially and physically, so we haven’t faced very many challenges.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, how old are you? I can think of plenty of couples (well-educated and successful) where sh*t hit the proverbial fan when one of the spouses was in their early or mid 40s (severe mental health symptoms, affairs, other situations that were insane deal breakers (e.g. crazy legal stuff)).

These were all people who could be your neighbors. You’re probably fine but sometimes things can be completely stable forever, and then just implode. 10 years ago, I would’ve said it was very rare. Now, I can think of several people to whom this happened. Still probably rare, but not nonexistent.

Also, people keep things quiet to the outside/to most people. But there can be a lot of darkness instead of marriage that most people don’t know about.

Yep. And when we go out people still say “I can’t see you guys ever fighting. You are so great together…blah blah”.

I get an old girlfriend who is not in a good marriage tell us how envious she is of our relationship. I was blunt. We have fun when we are out and are similar yes—but told her what really it’s like. Certainly not all roses. He cheated. Dealbreaker. He went through an awful midlife crisis. I just will never feel the same way about him or our marriage.

[Anonymous]

^ oh married 25 years. It was year 18 when he changed. He is back like himself—but trust is gone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Married 20-plus years. Got engaged after about a year of dating and married 8 months after that. Did not live together.

The biggest surprise for me was how deeply and pervasively the emotional abuse DH received from his father would affect a wide range of things in our relationship and DH's approach to parenting. I knew his father had died from alcoholism (long before we met), that the alcoholism was a major factor in his parents' divorce, and that his father had not been nice to his mother when drunk. But I was told repeatedly what a great father he was to DH and his brother.

After we were married, DH would tell stories that in his mind were funny memories but to me sounded cruel, like purposely continuing to do something that terriified a kid to see them freak out. DH was in deep denial, and it wasn't until we had been married several years that DH, after listening to a random podcast about a family with an emotionally abusive father, admitted to himself and me that his own father had been emotionally abusive.

DH tries really hard not to be his father, and on the whole, he is a good dad. But there have been times where he has overracted to kid behaviors, especially in the tween years.

There were also some financial things that we discussed before marriage where I thought we were on the same page, but after marriage he changed his tune. I felt coerced into some decisions but went along to keep the peace because it was obvious that he was (and still is) incapable of understanding that you can have a healthy marriage even if not every financial account is shared jointly.

I really relate to this one even though we dated much longer and lived together for several years before marriage. The difference with us is that DH's abusive dad died about 5 years into our marriage and that is when the denial regarding his abusive behavior started. Before his dad died, DH was clear eyed about his dad's shortcomings as a father and a person. They often disagreed about things and DH would stand up to his dad. I think after he died, this guilt set in that he had not been kind or generous enough to his dad before he died (and he died from a painful battle with cancer, which I think compounded a lot of these issues because it's so hard to watch someone close to you go through that).

Suddenly DH decided that some of his dad's "parenting methods" that he'd previously known were highly problematic were maybe not so bad after all. This created a ton of friction in our marriage over parenting. I also had abusive parents and our relationship and decision to have kids was premised on the idea that neither of us intended to parent as we had been parented, and the importance of breaking those chains of abuse. DH also became weird about money in the same way his dad always was (part of the abuse pattern in his family was his dad taking "frugality" to an extreme that bordered on child neglect, sometimes refusing even to spend money on basic needs like food or shoes -- they were firmly middle class and this was a choice, not a necessity, plus his dad actually did not work for much of his childhood while his mom supported the family as a school teacher). Suddenly we were fighting over basic spending habits, like buying a bike helmet for a kid or buying a new bed after a kid had outgrown their crib. It was incredibly stressful.

I ultimately won that battle and now 4 years since his dad's death, we're back to a better place and on the same page with both parenting and money. But it really did feel like he became a different person there for a time, and it was particularly hard to co-parent with him when I felt I was often working against these new impulses of his to become a much more militant, unfeeling, emotionally closed off dad. He now acknowledges that it was his way of working through grief regarding someone with whom he had a complicated relationship, but it really took me by surprise.

[Anonymous]

^ I’m another pp that relates. FIL was a bad alcoholic. Home life was messed up.

It wasn’t apparent how much that would be an issue until after we had kids and had been together over a decade.

As someone from a very stable childhood with happy, loving fantastic parents. It was tough.

[Anonymous]

We only dated a year before we got married and after 34 years there have been no surprises except maybe positives. As a husband and father he’s been all that I could have hoped for and he’s been incredibly successful in business without sacrificing home life. He’s certainly not perfect but I’m more than happy to live with those flaws.

[Anonymous]

The problem is, people change. They do not show their whole, real selves during courtship. You don't know what pitfalls are going to show up and how your spouse will react to them.

And what do you do when they DO show you bad behavior, but you have a mortgage, and a kid, and they are entitled to half your retirement? Ooops you should have seen it coming.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The problem is, people change. They do not show their whole, real selves during courtship. You don't know what pitfalls are going to show up and how your spouse will react to them.

And what do you do when they DO show you bad behavior, but you have a mortgage, and a kid, and they are entitled to half your retirement? Ooops you should have seen it coming.

Yes. Nobody is like they were 30 years into marriage. You can’t predict what will happen in life—or how somebody will react to things. Mental illness, addictions, not present in the beginning can also pop up later in life. People can change a lot. Some are luckier than others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The problem is, people change. They do not show their whole, real selves during courtship. You don't know what pitfalls are going to show up and how your spouse will react to them.

And what do you do when they DO show you bad behavior, but you have a mortgage, and a kid, and they are entitled to half your retirement? Ooops you should have seen it coming.

Yeah, this drives me crazy, when people respond with "why did you marry them? Why did you have kids with them?" People change, things aren't always obvious, and some (like my DH) hide things very, very well.
Our issue is parenting, and the fact that DH takes little to no responsibility in that area, and zero of his own initiative. He claimed to love kids, begged to start trying earlier than I planned, was super supportive through years of infertility,,desperately wanted a second child to try for a son...then just completely dropped the ball after our 2nd was born a few years ago (surprise: not a boy). I have to practically beg for him to help, to run a child to an activity, to fix food for them, to give me even an hour to myself. My older child has started asking why he isnt doing things with them, and I have to make up excuses to not show him in a poor light to our kids. And we both work full time hybrid, so it isn't due to a disparity in work situation or finances. How exactly was I supposed to have seen that coming before we married 10 years ago?

[Anonymous]

NOPE! I year and a half.