MIL always wants to randomly stop by

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don’t listen to all these posters, OP. This situation would drive me and my spouse crazy. In fact, we were in this situation with my own mother, who would force these seemingly well-meaning soup drop offs as a way to insert herself in our lives when we first got married. I wasn’t good at setting boundaries back then and it really upset my spouse, who talks about it to this day. Your DH has to tell his mother that these unscheduled food drop offs and visits are unwelcome and disruptive to the daily flow of your family life and she should wait to be invited for a visit. Then ignore the tantrums, guilt, whining etc that will inevitably come. Another option is to move. Seriously.

Good advice.
I think one question I have about how to think of this in my own case: "inserting herself into our life" can also be thought of "being a part of our lives." Which is lovely in theory. But even if you substract the busy-bodyness of it all (which may to not be there), I think it's also 100% legit to want to be "just" a nuclear family during the weeks (or most of the time, or whatever time metric there is). Right? Which may be deeply understandably insulting to the MIL, who has different ideas.

So my point / question isn't how you frame it externally (although I DO think yhou could say, " we need time to est ourselves as a small family" if that's applicalbe) but how you frame it internally? MIL wants more than I want, and I am in charge and have veto rights over what she wants from me?

[Anonymous]

*the busy-body ness "may or may not be there"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Note how these topics are never about moms, only about MILs.
Gatekeeping is the new American pastime

Are husbands getting calls at work? No, just the wives? Got it.

Are these expectations and demands about both spouses, or just the wives? Got it.

It’s actually sexism that is the old American pastime.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MIL lives about two miles away and is always finding little reasons to stop by, things like, can she drop off muffins she made, can she swing by and deliver some soup she made, is it ok if she stops by and says hello to our children. Mind you, we do plan weekly or at least every other week visits, so she sees us. If we say it’s not a good time, or can we try for tomorrow, she gets upset and takes it as a personal affront, complains the muffins won’t be fresh, etc, or claims she won’t come in and will just drop it on the porch, and then lingers when we don’t come out. It’s so awkward. Is there a better way to handle this without hurting feelings?

Jesus C this place never ceases to amaze. She wants to randomly stop by with muffins and soup. The nerve. You are a sick puppy, OP. So is the PP who says, "Learn not to care about her hurt feelings." You are both damaged goods.

I swear that people on this board have no idea how to be a family! She sounds lovely and I wish I had someone to drop off muffins.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MIL lives about two miles away and is always finding little reasons to stop by, things like, can she drop off muffins she made, can she swing by and deliver some soup she made, is it ok if she stops by and says hello to our children. Mind you, we do plan weekly or at least every other week visits, so she sees us. If we say it’s not a good time, or can we try for tomorrow, she gets upset and takes it as a personal affront, complains the muffins won’t be fresh, etc, or claims she won’t come in and will just drop it on the porch, and then lingers when we don’t come out. It’s so awkward. Is there a better way to handle this without hurting feelings?

Jesus C this place never ceases to amaze. She wants to randomly stop by with muffins and soup. The nerve. You are a sick puppy, OP. So is the PP who says, "Learn not to care about her hurt feelings." You are both damaged goods.

Not OP, but I sympathize. Between 4:30pm and 8:30pm I often have multiple pick-ups, car pools, and activities. I am putting dinner on the table, reviewing what came out of unpacked backpacks, asking kids to practice instruments, checking homework, and making sure everyone has the sports equipment or special item for the next day’s school presentation. It is like a well choreographed dance and l literally do not have time to stand and chat for 15 min to say thank you for the muffins. I have a feeling MIL has been told multiple times that evenings are not a convenient time to stop by and is choosing not to listen. As long as OP is polite and firm, it is not her job to cater to MIL’s feelings. MIL is being rude and selfish by choosing not to listen and then pout.

OP. - your MIL is lonely. The way I fixed this with my own parents is to give them a job or set a fixed time to see them. When my kids were little they would pick them up from school and take them to swim lessons once a week and I’d have dinner ready when they got home. Now the kids are older, we have to change it up each season based on sports schedules, but I set a schedule and then can plan around it - like pizza after sports practices on Tuesday for the next 6 weeks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Note how these topics are never about moms, only about MILs.
Gatekeeping is the new American pastime

Depends on the relationships involved. My MIL is super judgmental, is civil but has never liked me, and her visits require “preparation”. Visits from my mom do not.

In my case, neither lives in drop-in distance anyway.

I suggested giving MIL a scheduled job that is ideally most out of the house- taking kid to soccer or swim practice etc. She can spend time with the grandkids and feel helpful, and with that assurance of seeing the kids- will hopefully stop the drop-ins.

[Anonymous]

When I was in my late teens I dated a guy whose whole family was very close and spent lots of time together. I was crazy about the family as much as the guy, because my own was not like that and I longed for happy family togetherness.

We spent a lot of time with his brother and SIL, who I really looked up to. They lived in a deceased grandparent's house they'd bought and renovated, which was only a half mile away from the family camp on the pond, which his parents decided a few years later to winterize and move into full time.

When it was still a camp the SIL made a comment or two during my time around the family about how her in laws would just pop in whenever they wanted to do laundry and get a hot shower - basically they were like extra roommates who came in and out at will.

I broke up with the guy and actually was heartbroken over him for a lot of years, but I later learned that when brother and SIL finally had kids, they moved across country when the kids were still in grade/middle school. They had a home that was paid for and both had good jobs, so it wasn't because of a career opportunity that they just couldn't pass up.

It was obvious to me that the MIL I would have ended up with was the kind of answered prayer you end up crying over.

The idea of tight families who are always happy for an unannounced visit sounds just delightful - but few family are that tight and the reason the stereotypes of MILs are so abundant is because lots of women are controlling and unkind to their children in law, to the point that they drive them away to the other side of the continent. I have no doubt that many families on this board are in the exact same situation.

[Anonymous]

For anyone asking why it’s always the MILs and not the mothers. I think it’s because most women learned many of their mannerisms and habits that influence the way they “keep house” from their mothers. They also spent many years living in the same house, sharing a kitchen. In my case that means my mother is simply more helpful when she stops by because I don’t have to explain as much when she asks “how can I help?”. She also can read my mood and my stress level and can take a cue to either roll up her sleeves and pitch in or say “looks like you have your hands full, I’ll get out of your hair”.
I’m not sure if it’s because she’s my MIL or just because she is who she is, but my MIL as sweet and well meaning as she is, has a knack for making everything more complicated than necessary or standing in the exact spot I need to use to take something out of the oven or open a cabinet. FWIW, it’s not just me being exceptionally critical because she’s my MIL. Her daughter and my husband feel the same way. I love her very much and her heart is in the right place, but I don’t always have time to chat or let her “help” when it means it will take 3x as long. I prefer to have her included when we can enjoy and appreciate her instead of trying to work around her.

[Anonymous]

MIL is being manipulative. She’s wedging her way in, inviting herself over and announcing that she’s coming over using a pretense that she’s created..ie I made muffins or soup. When OP says no to the uninvited announcement that she is coming, MIL pouts, throws a little fit and leans back to the pretense of but the muffins won’t be fresh! MIL ignores that she’s been told no and proceeds to want to drop them on the porch but hangs around peering in the windows.

She is not making muffins out of kindness. Kindness has nothing to do with her motives. She’s doing it to get her way. She gets a little dopamine rush when she succeeds at this.

OP you have to say no thank you, we don’t want these and not give in. Do not give in. Repeat this. When you give in, she gets a little dopamine rush that makes her feel good. The next time you say no and she feels disappointed she’ll remember how good it felt when she was pushy and demanded she got her way until it worked.

[Anonymous]

My MIL is similar. We just say no if we're not into a visit. She pouts and gets passive aggerssive and we ignore it.

[Anonymous]

Feast or famine. I wish my parents or ILs were close enough to do this, but I know if they were I'd have my own petty grievances. Boundaries are an art few can master, but it's always better to be gracious. Our time with each other is short.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP—
Stop answering the phone or texts. Just stop. Let the calls go to voicemail. If she texts, don’t respond. Or send them to her son a couple of hours later. Or when you’re ready, respond back:”Just seeing this.” It could literally be hours and hours later.

And as another poster said, stop being afraid of hurting her feelings. Anyone who pouts and complains that you’re not available whenever she wants to visit is not being respectful of your time and space.

This is what I would do.

[Anonymous]

Listen, there are plenty of people that don’t want an extra family member (whether in-laws or their own family) around two plus days a week — myself included. I want to be able to walk around in my PJs with no bra. I want to be able to get frustrated with my husband and kid sometimes without judgment. I want to watch a junky show on TV. I want to have sex with my husband.

That doesn’t mean I don’t know how to love my family and be a family. I just don’t have to do this with extended family multiple times a week.

And MIL getting pissy when it isn’t a good day to drop off muffins means she is inherently difficult. A non-difficult person would be like “sure, I can bring them tomorrow.”

[Anonymous]

she gets upset

Too bad. She learns to live with it. You should not be allowing emotional manipulation.

[Anonymous]

If you say you're not available --- you do not answer the door.
If she knocks on the door --- you do not answer the door.
Even if she is likely to know you are at home. You do not answer the door.
Give it some time. It will work.