MIL always wants to randomly stop by

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The OP and those supporting her are sociopaths. You are asking a heavy price of your DH to be married to you. You ask him to cut off his own family, pretend his own mother is no longer a member of his family. That's not a healthy demand and is a huge red flag for sociopathy. Imagine if your DD dated a guy who wanted her to cut off contact with family and friends HE did not get along with. That would be troubling wouldn't it. A massive red flag. That's you, OP.

I think that for those of us who have raised their sons to be fully functioning adults, we feel less inclined to stick our noses intrusively into their business and respect healthy boundaries. Our kids have a right to privacy in their own homes.

I absolutely would not expect my DIL to drop everything she's in the middle of to have a "quick" little social visit with me. Nor would I use my role as a mother/grandmother as an excuse to bother them like that. Talk about being narcissistic.

If you made soup, text your SON and say "Hey, I made your favorite soup. You can stop by my house to pick it up when it's convenient or let me know when I can drop it off at your house". Then let your son pick it up or you can drop it off - but don't use it as an excuse to treat your son or DIL as a captive audience.

Why do they have to be a captive audience? Why do they have to drop everything to focus on MIL? Can't they just relax, even around their own family?This sounds like PTSD -- always having to be alert, always on guard. This is not healthy in a family.

If I'm in the middle of bathing a kid, helping with homework, cleaning the bathroom, training the dog, doing my nails or I just put the baby down for a nap and I finally get a few minutes to myself I do not want visitors interrupting me spur of the moment. "I made soup! I'm going to pop by now to drop it off before it gets cold!!" - eh, just ask when you can drop it off or when they can pick it up. It's soup, not an emergency.

Oddly enough the people who "get" what boundaries are usually see their adult kids and grandchildren far more frequently than the ones who frequently intrude on their adult children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The OP and those supporting her are sociopaths. You are asking a heavy price of your DH to be married to you. You ask him to cut off his own family, pretend his own mother is no longer a member of his family. That's not a healthy demand and is a huge red flag for sociopathy. Imagine if your DD dated a guy who wanted her to cut off contact with family and friends HE did not get along with. That would be troubling wouldn't it. A massive red flag. That's you, OP.

I think that for those of us who have raised their sons to be fully functioning adults, we feel less inclined to stick our noses intrusively into their business and respect healthy boundaries. Our kids have a right to privacy in their own homes.

I absolutely would not expect my DIL to drop everything she's in the middle of to have a "quick" little social visit with me. Nor would I use my role as a mother/grandmother as an excuse to bother them like that. Talk about being narcissistic.

If you made soup, text your SON and say "Hey, I made your favorite soup. You can stop by my house to pick it up when it's convenient or let me know when I can drop it off at your house". Then let your son pick it up or you can drop it off - but don't use it as an excuse to treat your son or DIL as a captive audience.

So is MIL's son allowed to say "sure, come on over" then? Because that's what I (female) would do if my mom texted me that. And I certainly would not make her drop it at the door and leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The OP and those supporting her are sociopaths. You are asking a heavy price of your DH to be married to you. You ask him to cut off his own family, pretend his own mother is no longer a member of his family. That's not a healthy demand and is a huge red flag for sociopathy. Imagine if your DD dated a guy who wanted her to cut off contact with family and friends HE did not get along with. That would be troubling wouldn't it. A massive red flag. That's you, OP.

I think that for those of us who have raised their sons to be fully functioning adults, we feel less inclined to stick our noses intrusively into their business and respect healthy boundaries. Our kids have a right to privacy in their own homes.

I absolutely would not expect my DIL to drop everything she's in the middle of to have a "quick" little social visit with me. Nor would I use my role as a mother/grandmother as an excuse to bother them like that. Talk about being narcissistic.

If you made soup, text your SON and say "Hey, I made your favorite soup. You can stop by my house to pick it up when it's convenient or let me know when I can drop it off at your house". Then let your son pick it up or you can drop it off - but don't use it as an excuse to treat your son or DIL as a captive audience.

So is MIL's son allowed to say "sure, come on over" then? Because that's what I (female) would do if my mom texted me that. And I certainly would not make her drop it at the door and leave.

If it's a good time for MIL to drop by, sure. If kids are being bathed, the house is a wreck or it's simply not a good time then - no. And it's not cool to consistently put your kids in the position of accommodating your visits. Be considerate and you will get consideration in return. Be pushy and you will get push back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The OP and those supporting her are sociopaths. You are asking a heavy price of your DH to be married to you. You ask him to cut off his own family, pretend his own mother is no longer a member of his family. That's not a healthy demand and is a huge red flag for sociopathy. Imagine if your DD dated a guy who wanted her to cut off contact with family and friends HE did not get along with. That would be troubling wouldn't it. A massive red flag. That's you, OP.

I think that for those of us who have raised their sons to be fully functioning adults, we feel less inclined to stick our noses intrusively into their business and respect healthy boundaries. Our kids have a right to privacy in their own homes.

I absolutely would not expect my DIL to drop everything she's in the middle of to have a "quick" little social visit with me. Nor would I use my role as a mother/grandmother as an excuse to bother them like that. Talk about being narcissistic.

If you made soup, text your SON and say "Hey, I made your favorite soup. You can stop by my house to pick it up when it's convenient or let me know when I can drop it off at your house". Then let your son pick it up or you can drop it off - but don't use it as an excuse to treat your son or DIL as a captive audience.

So is MIL's son allowed to say "sure, come on over" then? Because that's what I (female) would do if my mom texted me that. And I certainly would not make her drop it at the door and leave.

If it's a good time for MIL to drop by, sure. If kids are being bathed, the house is a wreck or it's simply not a good time then - no. And it's not cool to consistently put your kids in the position of accommodating your visits. Be considerate and you will get consideration in return. Be pushy and you will get push back.

What if the son doesn't care if the house is a mess for his mom? My mom is welcome any time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The OP and those supporting her are sociopaths. You are asking a heavy price of your DH to be married to you. You ask him to cut off his own family, pretend his own mother is no longer a member of his family. That's not a healthy demand and is a huge red flag for sociopathy. Imagine if your DD dated a guy who wanted her to cut off contact with family and friends HE did not get along with. That would be troubling wouldn't it. A massive red flag. That's you, OP.

I think that for those of us who have raised their sons to be fully functioning adults, we feel less inclined to stick our noses intrusively into their business and respect healthy boundaries. Our kids have a right to privacy in their own homes.

I absolutely would not expect my DIL to drop everything she's in the middle of to have a "quick" little social visit with me. Nor would I use my role as a mother/grandmother as an excuse to bother them like that. Talk about being narcissistic.

If you made soup, text your SON and say "Hey, I made your favorite soup. You can stop by my house to pick it up when it's convenient or let me know when I can drop it off at your house". Then let your son pick it up or you can drop it off - but don't use it as an excuse to treat your son or DIL as a captive audience.

So is MIL's son allowed to say "sure, come on over" then? Because that's what I (female) would do if my mom texted me that. And I certainly would not make her drop it at the door and leave.

If it's a good time for MIL to drop by, sure. If kids are being bathed, the house is a wreck or it's simply not a good time then - no. And it's not cool to consistently put your kids in the position of accommodating your visits. Be considerate and you will get consideration in return. Be pushy and you will get push back.

What if the son doesn't care if the house is a mess for his mom? My mom is welcome any time.

That’s fine, as long as no one but YOU is expected to entertain your mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The OP and those supporting her are sociopaths. You are asking a heavy price of your DH to be married to you. You ask him to cut off his own family, pretend his own mother is no longer a member of his family. That's not a healthy demand and is a huge red flag for sociopathy. Imagine if your DD dated a guy who wanted her to cut off contact with family and friends HE did not get along with. That would be troubling wouldn't it. A massive red flag. That's you, OP.

I think that for those of us who have raised their sons to be fully functioning adults, we feel less inclined to stick our noses intrusively into their business and respect healthy boundaries. Our kids have a right to privacy in their own homes.

I absolutely would not expect my DIL to drop everything she's in the middle of to have a "quick" little social visit with me. Nor would I use my role as a mother/grandmother as an excuse to bother them like that. Talk about being narcissistic.

If you made soup, text your SON and say "Hey, I made your favorite soup. You can stop by my house to pick it up when it's convenient or let me know when I can drop it off at your house". Then let your son pick it up or you can drop it off - but don't use it as an excuse to treat your son or DIL as a captive audience.

Why do they have to be a captive audience? Why do they have to drop everything to focus on MIL? Can't they just relax, even around their own family?This sounds like PTSD -- always having to be alert, always on guard. This is not healthy in a family.

If I'm in the middle of bathing a kid, helping with homework, cleaning the bathroom, training the dog, doing my nails or I just put the baby down for a nap and I finally get a few minutes to myself I do not want visitors interrupting me spur of the moment. "I made soup! I'm going to pop by now to drop it off before it gets cold!!" - eh, just ask when you can drop it off or when they can pick it up. It's soup, not an emergency.

Oddly enough the people who "get" what boundaries are usually see their adult kids and grandchildren far more frequently than the ones who frequently intrude on their adult children.

Can confirm your last paragraph!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:MIL lives about two miles away and is always finding little reasons to stop by, things like, can she drop off muffins she made, can she swing by and deliver some soup she made, is it ok if she stops by and says hello to our children. Mind you, we do plan weekly or at least every other week visits, so she sees us. If we say it’s not a good time, or can we try for tomorrow, she gets upset and takes it as a personal affront, complains the muffins won’t be fresh, etc, or claims she won’t come in and will just drop it on the porch, and then lingers when we don’t come out. It’s so awkward. Is there a better way to handle this without hurting feelings?

Depends on how much your family likes the soup and muffins. Does she do laundry or wash/fold/put away for the kids? If your family likes the stuff pre-arrange a day /time for drop off ...That will give her a task and should take all day at her house.

Chicken soup from total scratch is 5 hours so I doubt that's what MIL is doing for a random pop in. Plus the shopping/chopping time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, if she's nice to you and at least gives you a heads up, I don't understand the problem. I mean, why can't she be a part of your family? Now my MIL would be a different story completely - she shows up with no notice, completely takes over the house, moves my things around without asking, changes my decor, and basically makes a huge nuisance of herself. Plus, she treats me badly and is a bully. But if she were nice and just wanted too see her son and grandkids? I wouldn't have a problem with it, as long as she didn't complain that I'm too busy to chat and the house is messy.

Because some people don't always want random visitors. And yes a MIL, despite being family showing up unplanned is "random visitor".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The OP and those supporting her are sociopaths. You are asking a heavy price of your DH to be married to you. You ask him to cut off his own family, pretend his own mother is no longer a member of his family. That's not a healthy demand and is a huge red flag for sociopathy. Imagine if your DD dated a guy who wanted her to cut off contact with family and friends HE did not get along with. That would be troubling wouldn't it. A massive red flag. That's you, OP.

I think that for those of us who have raised their sons to be fully functioning adults, we feel less inclined to stick our noses intrusively into their business and respect healthy boundaries. Our kids have a right to privacy in their own homes.

I absolutely would not expect my DIL to drop everything she's in the middle of to have a "quick" little social visit with me. Nor would I use my role as a mother/grandmother as an excuse to bother them like that. Talk about being narcissistic.

If you made soup, text your SON and say "Hey, I made your favorite soup. You can stop by my house to pick it up when it's convenient or let me know when I can drop it off at your house". Then let your son pick it up or you can drop it off - but don't use it as an excuse to treat your son or DIL as a captive audience.

So is MIL's son allowed to say "sure, come on over" then? Because that's what I (female) would do if my mom texted me that. And I certainly would not make her drop it at the door and leave.

If it's a good time for MIL to drop by, sure. If kids are being bathed, the house is a wreck or it's simply not a good time then - no. And it's not cool to consistently put your kids in the position of accommodating your visits. Be considerate and you will get consideration in return. Be pushy and you will get push back.

What if the son doesn't care if the house is a mess for his mom? My mom is welcome any time.

NP. Two people own the house and get to decide. Maybe MIL can figure out how to text BEFORE her next baking project so that muffins aren’t some “emergency.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The OP and those supporting her are sociopaths. You are asking a heavy price of your DH to be married to you. You ask him to cut off his own family, pretend his own mother is no longer a member of his family. That's not a healthy demand and is a huge red flag for sociopathy. Imagine if your DD dated a guy who wanted her to cut off contact with family and friends HE did not get along with. That would be troubling wouldn't it. A massive red flag. That's you, OP.

I think that for those of us who have raised their sons to be fully functioning adults, we feel less inclined to stick our noses intrusively into their business and respect healthy boundaries. Our kids have a right to privacy in their own homes.

I absolutely would not expect my DIL to drop everything she's in the middle of to have a "quick" little social visit with me. Nor would I use my role as a mother/grandmother as an excuse to bother them like that. Talk about being narcissistic.

If you made soup, text your SON and say "Hey, I made your favorite soup. You can stop by my house to pick it up when it's convenient or let me know when I can drop it off at your house". Then let your son pick it up or you can drop it off - but don't use it as an excuse to treat your son or DIL as a captive audience.

Why do they have to be a captive audience? Why do they have to drop everything to focus on MIL? Can't they just relax, even around their own family?This sounds like PTSD -- always having to be alert, always on guard. This is not healthy in a family.

If I'm in the middle of bathing a kid, helping with homework, cleaning the bathroom, training the dog, doing my nails or I just put the baby down for a nap and I finally get a few minutes to myself I do not want visitors interrupting me spur of the moment. "I made soup! I'm going to pop by now to drop it off before it gets cold!!" - eh, just ask when you can drop it off or when they can pick it up. It's soup, not an emergency.

Oddly enough the people who "get" what boundaries are usually see their adult kids and grandchildren far more frequently than the ones who frequently intrude on their adult children.

Yup, amazing that most of us actually want to spend more time with people who respect boundaries and are not self centered and actually respect us as grown adults and realize that we have our "family" and might not be able to randomly accommodate them whenever they want

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Such lovely responses. Plenty of people besides your MIL will be celebrating when your DH files for divorce.

Insults on that theme seem really important to you. I wonder why.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MIL lives about two miles away and is always finding little reasons to stop by, things like, can she drop off muffins she made, can she swing by and deliver some soup she made, is it ok if she stops by and says hello to our children. Mind you, we do plan weekly or at least every other week visits, so she sees us. If we say it’s not a good time, or can we try for tomorrow, she gets upset and takes it as a personal affront, complains the muffins won’t be fresh, etc, or claims she won’t come in and will just drop it on the porch, and then lingers when we don’t come out. It’s so awkward. Is there a better way to handle this without hurting feelings?

Depends on how much your family likes the soup and muffins. Does she do laundry or wash/fold/put away for the kids? If your family likes the stuff pre-arrange a day /time for drop off ...That will give her a task and should take all day at her house.

Chicken soup from total scratch is 5 hours so I doubt that's what MIL is doing for a random pop in. Plus the shopping/chopping time.

LOL yes, the MIL should have to do laundry and fold and put it away for the kids if she wants to come inside the house with the muffins. If not, she has to leave them on the porch, take a picture and text it to you. Then walk away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MIL lives about two miles away and is always finding little reasons to stop by, things like, can she drop off muffins she made, can she swing by and deliver some soup she made, is it ok if she stops by and says hello to our children. Mind you, we do plan weekly or at least every other week visits, so she sees us. If we say it’s not a good time, or can we try for tomorrow, she gets upset and takes it as a personal affront, complains the muffins won’t be fresh, etc, or claims she won’t come in and will just drop it on the porch, and then lingers when we don’t come out. It’s so awkward. Is there a better way to handle this without hurting feelings?

Depends on how much your family likes the soup and muffins. Does she do laundry or wash/fold/put away for the kids? If your family likes the stuff pre-arrange a day /time for drop off ...That will give her a task and should take all day at her house.

Chicken soup from total scratch is 5 hours so I doubt that's what MIL is doing for a random pop in. Plus the shopping/chopping time.

LOL yes, the MIL should have to do laundry and fold and put it away for the kids if she wants to come inside the house with the muffins. If not, she has to leave them on the porch, take a picture and text it to you. Then walk away.

You know, she could also be a normal person and just text/call to as if now was a good time. And then listen.

Or do your weird persecution fantasies. Either way.

[Anonymous]

^^to ask

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why can’t she stop by with muffins or soup? Does her coming by cause problems?

+1
Sounds great. I would love if my family dropped by.