MIL always wants to randomly stop by

[Anonymous]

MIL lives about two miles away and is always finding little reasons to stop by, things like, can she drop off muffins she made, can she swing by and deliver some soup she made, is it ok if she stops by and says hello to our children. Mind you, we do plan weekly or at least every other week visits, so she sees us. If we say it’s not a good time, or can we try for tomorrow, she gets upset and takes it as a personal affront, complains the muffins won’t be fresh, etc, or claims she won’t come in and will just drop it on the porch, and then lingers when we don’t come out. It’s so awkward. Is there a better way to handle this without hurting feelings?

[Anonymous]

Learn not to care about her hurt feelings.

My MIL used to call me at work to chat, in the early days of my marriage, until my husband explained that I had a JOB, and was just as busy as he (she never called him at his workplace!).

This is the moment when your husband reiterates, firmly, that his modern family is extremely busy and that it's now considered gauche to drop by unannounced, because it throws off a finely tuned schedule that has to run like clockwork otherwise everyone's late for all their work/school/activities, dinner is late and meltdowns happen.

And if she has tantrums and complains about you to everyone... well then, that's HER problem. You don't care.

[Anonymous]

otherwise everyone's late for all their work/school/activities, dinner is late and meltdowns happen

Sounds like things grandma can help with.

[Anonymous]

She sounds lonely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:MIL lives about two miles away and is always finding little reasons to stop by, things like, can she drop off muffins she made, can she swing by and deliver some soup she made, is it ok if she stops by and says hello to our children. Mind you, we do plan weekly or at least every other week visits, so she sees us. If we say it’s not a good time, or can we try for tomorrow, she gets upset and takes it as a personal affront, complains the muffins won’t be fresh, etc, or claims she won’t come in and will just drop it on the porch, and then lingers when we don’t come out. It’s so awkward. Is there a better way to handle this without hurting feelings?

Jesus C this place never ceases to amaze. She wants to randomly stop by with muffins and soup. The nerve. You are a sick puppy, OP. So is the PP who says, "Learn not to care about her hurt feelings." You are both damaged goods.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She sounds lonely.

I thought this said lovely - which also seems true.

[Anonymous]

I think DH needs to tell her that you will always connect with her a few minutes when one (or both) of you can, but when you can’t, you really can’t. DH should say that if she can’t understand that when you say no you really do mean it’s not possible, and if there’s going to be grumbling and whining, then you’re going to have to set once or twice a week, and stick to set times only. Her choice: does she want set times only, or will she be understanding that you always say yes when you can, and when you can’t, you truly can’t. Her choice, which does she choose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MIL lives about two miles away and is always finding little reasons to stop by, things like, can she drop off muffins she made, can she swing by and deliver some soup she made, is it ok if she stops by and says hello to our children. Mind you, we do plan weekly or at least every other week visits, so she sees us. If we say it’s not a good time, or can we try for tomorrow, she gets upset and takes it as a personal affront, complains the muffins won’t be fresh, etc, or claims she won’t come in and will just drop it on the porch, and then lingers when we don’t come out. It’s so awkward. Is there a better way to handle this without hurting feelings?

Jesus C this place never ceases to amaze. She wants to randomly stop by with muffins and soup. The nerve. You are a sick puppy, OP. So is the PP who says, "Learn not to care about her hurt feelings." You are both damaged goods.

I'm the PP you castigate so roundly. Because there is such a thing as busy families, and there is such a thing as people who overstay their welcome. It is extremely anxiety-inducing to be forced to make time and be polite to lovely, kind, generous people who also slow things down, make you late, make you distracted and error-prone because they are dividing your attention. Not only is your life made more difficult, but you feel guilty on top of it because the person seems so generous on the surface (also clueless, and in that cluelessness, rather rude, all things considered).

Maybe you're thinking of someone who knows to read the room and understands when to leave. If OP had such a MIL, she wouldn't be posting. She'd be so thankful to have someone help out! I know I would.

Clearly we're talking about a person who overstays their welcome.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MIL lives about two miles away and is always finding little reasons to stop by, things like, can she drop off muffins she made, can she swing by and deliver some soup she made, is it ok if she stops by and says hello to our children. Mind you, we do plan weekly or at least every other week visits, so she sees us. If we say it’s not a good time, or can we try for tomorrow, she gets upset and takes it as a personal affront, complains the muffins won’t be fresh, etc, or claims she won’t come in and will just drop it on the porch, and then lingers when we don’t come out. It’s so awkward. Is there a better way to handle this without hurting feelings?

Jesus C this place never ceases to amaze. She wants to randomly stop by with muffins and soup. The nerve. You are a sick puppy, OP. So is the PP who says, "Learn not to care about her hurt feelings." You are both damaged goods.

I'm the PP you castigate so roundly. Because there is such a thing as busy families, and there is such a thing as people who overstay their welcome. It is extremely anxiety-inducing to be forced to make time and be polite to lovely, kind, generous people who also slow things down, make you late, make you distracted and error-prone because they are dividing your attention. Not only is your life made more difficult, but you feel guilty on top of it because the person seems so generous on the surface (also clueless, and in that cluelessness, rather rude, all things considered).

Maybe you're thinking of someone who knows to read the room and understands when to leave. If OP had such a MIL, she wouldn't be posting. She'd be so thankful to have someone help out! I know I would.

Clearly we're talking about a person who overstays their welcome.

You should stop making yourself miserable trying to control everything and everyone. Just unclench.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MIL lives about two miles away and is always finding little reasons to stop by, things like, can she drop off muffins she made, can she swing by and deliver some soup she made, is it ok if she stops by and says hello to our children. Mind you, we do plan weekly or at least every other week visits, so she sees us. If we say it’s not a good time, or can we try for tomorrow, she gets upset and takes it as a personal affront, complains the muffins won’t be fresh, etc, or claims she won’t come in and will just drop it on the porch, and then lingers when we don’t come out. It’s so awkward. Is there a better way to handle this without hurting feelings?

Jesus C this place never ceases to amaze. She wants to randomly stop by with muffins and soup. The nerve. You are a sick puppy, OP. So is the PP who says, "Learn not to care about her hurt feelings." You are both damaged goods.

I'm the PP you castigate so roundly. Because there is such a thing as busy families, and there is such a thing as people who overstay their welcome. It is extremely anxiety-inducing to be forced to make time and be polite to lovely, kind, generous people who also slow things down, make you late, make you distracted and error-prone because they are dividing your attention. Not only is your life made more difficult, but you feel guilty on top of it because the person seems so generous on the surface (also clueless, and in that cluelessness, rather rude, all things considered).

Maybe you're thinking of someone who knows to read the room and understands when to leave. If OP had such a MIL, she wouldn't be posting. She'd be so thankful to have someone help out! I know I would.

Clearly we're talking about a person who overstays their welcome.

You should stop making yourself miserable trying to control everything and everyone. Just unclench.

I am who I am. OP's MIL would drive me crazy. I also work in cancer research, where my perfectionism and ability to hyper focus on the task at hand is beneficial to my work. Our personalities all make us suited for certain activities and not others. Isn't it wonderful that we're all so different?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MIL lives about two miles away and is always finding little reasons to stop by, things like, can she drop off muffins she made, can she swing by and deliver some soup she made, is it ok if she stops by and says hello to our children. Mind you, we do plan weekly or at least every other week visits, so she sees us. If we say it’s not a good time, or can we try for tomorrow, she gets upset and takes it as a personal affront, complains the muffins won’t be fresh, etc, or claims she won’t come in and will just drop it on the porch, and then lingers when we don’t come out. It’s so awkward. Is there a better way to handle this without hurting feelings?

Jesus C this place never ceases to amaze. She wants to randomly stop by with muffins and soup. The nerve. You are a sick puppy, OP. So is the PP who says, "Learn not to care about her hurt feelings." You are both damaged goods.

I'm the PP you castigate so roundly. Because there is such a thing as busy families, and there is such a thing as people who overstay their welcome. It is extremely anxiety-inducing to be forced to make time and be polite to lovely, kind, generous people who also slow things down, make you late, make you distracted and error-prone because they are dividing your attention. Not only is your life made more difficult, but you feel guilty on top of it because the person seems so generous on the surface (also clueless, and in that cluelessness, rather rude, all things considered).

Maybe you're thinking of someone who knows to read the room and understands when to leave. If OP had such a MIL, she wouldn't be posting. She'd be so thankful to have someone help out! I know I would.

Clearly we're talking about a person who overstays their welcome.

You should stop making yourself miserable trying to control everything and everyone. Just unclench.

I am who I am. OP's MIL would drive me crazy. I also work in cancer research, where my perfectionism and ability to hyper focus on the task at hand is beneficial to my work. Our personalities all make us suited for certain activities and not others. Isn't it wonderful that we're all so different?

Stop winning me over. It's pissing me off.

[Anonymous]

I agree with PP who said you need to not worry about her reactions. When you can let her stop by, go ahead and say yes. When it doesn’t work, so no. Don’t worry about her reaction to it. Keep scheduling what works for your family. That’s the best you can do. You can only countrol yourself in this situation. Be kind, but don’t be a doormat. And stop caring about unreasonable reactions.

[Anonymous]

Why can’t she stop by with muffins or soup? Does her coming by cause problems?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

otherwise everyone's late for all their work/school/activities, dinner is late and meltdowns happen

Sounds like things grandma can help with.

+1

She probably wants to see the kids or is just trying to help. Is there something she can help with (driving Larlo to soccer practice on Tuesday nights, etc)? Or plan for her to bring dinner and stay to eat say, every Wednesday night? (Since it seems that is what she is trying to do anyway- making soup etc.) Whatever it is you would find useful.

I am a planner and don’t like last minute visitors so I totally understand that piece- may be easier to just schedule something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why can’t she stop by with muffins or soup? Does her coming by cause problems?

Not OP. Sometimes people don’t want more muffins or soup. Sometimes someone stopping by right as you are trying to do something or get something done does cause problems.

I’m imagining the type of person that doesn’t understand this and I feel really sad for PP.