MIL always wants to randomly stop by

[Anonymous]

Yeah, I wouldn’t allow my mother-in-law to do this either. She tries to act like she’s just going to pop by or something like that but then there’s a hissy fit if we don’t greet her, formally escort her out the door when she leaves, make a big fuss over her presence, etc. for example, she’ll say she’s just stopping by at the last minute and then, when everyone doesn’t stop what they’re doing because everyone’s busy after school and work, she makes declarations like “well I guess everybody is too busy for me” or “ these teenagers never spend time with me anymore”. Meanwhile, we see her almost weekly or bi- weekly for planned visits.

[Anonymous]

I would just stop making muffins and soup for you all.

And the next time you might ask me to watch my grandchild on a day when day care is closed, I might not see the text for hours and hours, or I might say, oh that’s not a good day, how about tomorrow?

I’ll just learn not to care about your hurt feelings. If you throw tantrums and complain about me to everyone, that will be YOUR problem.

Because it’s all about setting boundaries, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t listen to all these posters, OP. This situation would drive me and my spouse crazy. In fact, we were in this situation with my own mother, who would force these seemingly well-meaning soup drop offs as a way to insert herself in our lives when we first got married. I wasn’t good at setting boundaries back then and it really upset my spouse, who talks about it to this day. Your DH has to tell his mother that these unscheduled food drop offs and visits are unwelcome and disruptive to the daily flow of your family life and she should wait to be invited for a visit. Then ignore the tantrums, guilt, whining etc that will inevitably come. Another option is to move. Seriously.

Good advice.
I think one question I have about how to think of this in my own case: "inserting herself into our life" can also be thought of "being a part of our lives." Which is lovely in theory. But even if you substract the busy-bodyness of it all (which may to not be there), I think it's also 100% legit to want to be "just" a nuclear family during the weeks (or most of the time, or whatever time metric there is). Right? Which may be deeply understandably insulting to the MIL, who has different ideas.

So my point / question isn't how you frame it externally (although I DO think yhou could say, " we need time to est ourselves as a small family" if that's applicalbe) but how you frame it internally? MIL wants more than I want, and I am in charge and have veto rights over what she wants from me?

What do you all think?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would just stop making muffins and soup for you all.

And the next time you might ask me to watch my grandchild on a day when day care is closed, I might not see the text for hours and hours, or I might say, oh that’s not a good day, how about tomorrow?

I’ll just learn not to care about your hurt feelings. If you throw tantrums and complain about me to everyone, that will be YOUR problem.

Because it’s all about setting boundaries, right?

Yes, actually

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would just stop making muffins and soup for you all.

And the next time you might ask me to watch my grandchild on a day when day care is closed, I might not see the text for hours and hours, or I might say, oh that’s not a good day, how about tomorrow?

I’ll just learn not to care about your hurt feelings. If you throw tantrums and complain about me to everyone, that will be YOUR problem.

Because it’s all about setting boundaries, right?

Yes this would be preferable. If the cost of back up daycare, is allowing you to waltz in whenever you want and play stupid muffin games, then I’d quickly find a better back up childcare provider.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would just stop making muffins and soup for you all.

And the next time you might ask me to watch my grandchild on a day when day care is closed, I might not see the text for hours and hours, or I might say, oh that’s not a good day, how about tomorrow?

I’ll just learn not to care about your hurt feelings. If you throw tantrums and complain about me to everyone, that will be YOUR problem.

Because it’s all about setting boundaries, right?

Yes this would be preferable. If the cost of back up daycare, is allowing you to waltz in whenever you want and play stupid muffin games, then I’d quickly find a better back up childcare provider.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would just stop making muffins and soup for you all.

And the next time you might ask me to watch my grandchild on a day when day care is closed, I might not see the text for hours and hours, or I might say, oh that’s not a good day, how about tomorrow?

I’ll just learn not to care about your hurt feelings. If you throw tantrums and complain about me to everyone, that will be YOUR problem.

Because it’s all about setting boundaries, right?

I think that this would be fair, yes indeed. You are allowed to invite and contribute and do what you want when requested. Others are allowed the same. If you want to be petty about it -- to get back by pulling back what YOU want to contribute (or not)-- that may spite you or them more.

[Anonymous]

also, do you really think this is tit-for-tat? You are allowed to waltz in whenever you want in exchange for "paying" by babysitting?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would just stop making muffins and soup for you all.

And the next time you might ask me to watch my grandchild on a day when day care is closed, I might not see the text for hours and hours, or I might say, oh that’s not a good day, how about tomorrow?

I’ll just learn not to care about your hurt feelings. If you throw tantrums and complain about me to everyone, that will be YOUR problem.

Because it’s all about setting boundaries, right?

I think that this would be fair, yes indeed. You are allowed to invite and contribute and do what you want when requested. Others are allowed the same. If you want to be petty about it -- to get back by pulling back what YOU want to contribute (or not)-- that may spite you or them more.

Wow, the point of that post went right over a lot of your heads.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would just stop making muffins and soup for you all.

And the next time you might ask me to watch my grandchild on a day when day care is closed, I might not see the text for hours and hours, or I might say, oh that’s not a good day, how about tomorrow?

I’ll just learn not to care about your hurt feelings. If you throw tantrums and complain about me to everyone, that will be YOUR problem.

Because it’s all about setting boundaries, right?

Yes this would be preferable. If the cost of back up daycare, is allowing you to waltz in whenever you want and play stupid muffin games, then I’d quickly find a better back up childcare provider.

+1
"I'll just stop doing all this stuff" - YES! Please do! That's the entire point of these gripes!

Good lord

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would just stop making muffins and soup for you all.

And the next time you might ask me to watch my grandchild on a day when day care is closed, I might not see the text for hours and hours, or I might say, oh that’s not a good day, how about tomorrow?

I’ll just learn not to care about your hurt feelings. If you throw tantrums and complain about me to everyone, that will be YOUR problem.

Because it’s all about setting boundaries, right?

If I ask my parents to help out with my kids they DO say “sorry, we’re busy” if they have plans. Because they are adults with their own lives and I would be horrified if they dropped everything on short notice to bail me out unless it was a serious emergency like my spouse in the hospital. But they do help out when they can and don’t keep score to guilt me about it. Just like I look ahead on the calendar and plan times to see them so they don’t have to make up excuses to stop by.

People who react like you think the muffins are innocent, but it’s the intention behind them. The MIL expects everyone to drop their plans and pay attention to her. Then she pouts when she doesn’t get what she wants. No one asked you to make the muffins Phyllis!

If you were thoughtful you’d text “I’m planning to make muffins tomorrow. I can double the recipe and drop some off. If you’ll be around tomorrow evening, let me know what time works for you.” Then if they said no thank you, a mature adult would not pout about stale muffins. They would say “Maybe next time. I’d love to see the kids this weekend. I’ll send some times that work to (kids father/MIL’s son)”

[Anonymous]

Team OP on this one. My own parents live down the road and it would drive me nuts if they randomly stopped by constantly. They will sometimes drive slowly down the street to see if we’re on our front porch, but they don’t want to impose so they’ll journey on if they don’t see us. They respect boundaries, and we see them plenty. OP’s MIL does not respect boundaries and is inserting herself too often.

Geography should not dictate frequency.

[Anonymous]

The issue is the tantrums when OP says it’s not a good time and to just drop off.

I would slow my responses. Let the calls go to voicemail and then call back when you’re ready. Or set your phone to silence text notifications.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would just stop making muffins and soup for you all.

And the next time you might ask me to watch my grandchild on a day when day care is closed, I might not see the text for hours and hours, or I might say, oh that’s not a good day, how about tomorrow?

I’ll just learn not to care about your hurt feelings. If you throw tantrums and complain about me to everyone, that will be YOUR problem.

Because it’s all about setting boundaries, right?

If you act like that, you only care about yourself and your wants/needs and not your family and their wants/needs, so I’d be more than happy to keep my kids away from you. Bye! Don’t let the door hitcha where the Lord splitcha.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would just stop making muffins and soup for you all.

And the next time you might ask me to watch my grandchild on a day when day care is closed, I might not see the text for hours and hours, or I might say, oh that’s not a good day, how about tomorrow?

I’ll just learn not to care about your hurt feelings. If you throw tantrums and complain about me to everyone, that will be YOUR problem.

Because it’s all about setting boundaries, right?

Yes this would be preferable. If the cost of back up daycare, is allowing you to waltz in whenever you want and play stupid muffin games, then I’d quickly find a better back up childcare provider.

+1

+100. My kids prefer their aftercare, which is also open on snow days and school closing days, because then they get to play with their friends and not whiny, selfish MeeMaw. You sure did try it, though.