MIL always wants to randomly stop by

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unless my DH and I are swinging from the ceiling, I'd just have an open door policy. Just make sure she understands that you can't stop (whatever) when visitors show up. Have her take your kids for a walk or to the park or whatever.

Why have separate houses at all if your front door is a revolving door for your parents? If you are that compatible and if you feel no need to have your own personal space and privacy, why not just live with your parents? Seriously, you all could save a ton of money by living together.

Why attack her? You don’t have to want or like that arrangement for yourself, but why be so unkind?

I had a similar open door to the grandparents, great grandparents, great uncles/aunts, and various cousins. It was wonderful for me, for them, and for my older children. Now my caboose kid lost all of those wonderful people by kindergarten and only has a few far away senior family members. Really only one to engage with. I miss those days and I am sad my youngest doesn’t have that special bond.

We all have different experiences and different wants. Some people need more privacy. It’s fine. We don’t have to attack one another

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MIL lives about two miles away and is always finding little reasons to stop by, things like, can she drop off muffins she made, can she swing by and deliver some soup she made, is it ok if she stops by and says hello to our children. Mind you, we do plan weekly or at least every other week visits, so she sees us. If we say it’s not a good time, or can we try for tomorrow, she gets upset and takes it as a personal affront, complains the muffins won’t be fresh, etc, or claims she won’t come in and will just drop it on the porch, and then lingers when we don’t come out. It’s so awkward. Is there a better way to handle this without hurting feelings?

Back to the OP’s question. There really aren't any magic words to make your MIL not act affronted when you say no. She’s a manipulative person and will have picked up on your desire to be polite and not hurt feelings. The pretense of making muffins , acting affronted when you say no thank you, and hanging around your door are all manipulative techniques to get at a people pleaser.

Her desire to pop in for a quick visit is more important to her than respecting your no thank you. She isn’t hurt when you say no, she’s mad she didn’t get her way. You have to remind yourself that her inappropriate reactions and expectations are hers to deal with and not your problem.

It’s hard but so many boomers seem to devolve into these demanding and manipulative people as they age. You just need to realize that they are no longer normal functioning adults and ignore the games.

It is fine to treat people in your life as this poster suggests, but you have to keep in mind that it is likely in general that people will respond to and treat you in the same way.

Kindness engenders kindness; disdain and contempt for others will likely engender the same in return. People get back what they give in life.

Right, that's what we're saying, MIL. Keep being manipulative, rigid, nosy and self-focused, and you're not going to be welcomed warmly with open arms. Maybe you should try being open to communication, flexible, and capable of thinking about things from others' perspective if you want to be treated like a welcome, mature adult.

Maybe you should be capable of thinking about things from your DH's perspective. He loves his mother, and your MIL knows the only way to be a part of HIS life is to go around you and ignore your wishes. Because if you have your way, she'd never come over.

Believe me, your MIL knows her son -- your DH -- is kicking himself for marrying you but he's up to his chin in it so he's stuck. She's there for him, not you.

lol omg you are so delusional I can’t help but laugh! Awww so bitter too. No wonder your own son can’t stand you and doesn’t enjoy seeing you. You can pretend online that it’s all your evil DILs fault but when you lay awake at night you can’t hide from the truth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The OP and those supporting her are sociopaths. You are asking a heavy price of your DH to be married to you. You ask him to cut off his own family, pretend his own mother is no longer a member of his family. That's not a healthy demand and is a huge red flag for sociopathy. Imagine if your DD dated a guy who wanted her to cut off contact with family and friends HE did not get along with. That would be troubling wouldn't it. A massive red flag. That's you, OP.

You are completely insane.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Note how these topics are never about moms, only about MILs.
Gatekeeping is the new American pastime

Not true at all. It’s because we can tell our mothers not to do certain things and maintain those boundaries. Our husbands/spouses are the ones in charge of telling that to MILs and they often don’t do that. So mothers aren’t normally a problem. I don’t allow my mom to stop by but my MIL finds reasons to stop by every day. If I don’t answer text she comes by 15 minutes later because she lives next door.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The OP and those supporting her are sociopaths. You are asking a heavy price of your DH to be married to you. You ask him to cut off his own family, pretend his own mother is no longer a member of his family. That's not a healthy demand and is a huge red flag for sociopathy. Imagine if your DD dated a guy who wanted her to cut off contact with family and friends HE did not get along with. That would be troubling wouldn't it. A massive red flag. That's you, OP.

You are completely insane.

It’s the MILs who are writing the pissed off responses. Lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

otherwise everyone's late for all their work/school/activities, dinner is late and meltdowns happen

Sounds like things grandma can help with.

lol put her on dinner duty 2 days a week

[Anonymous]

This thread reminded me of the year we all had the flu at Easter. DH and I were well on the mend, but the kids were sick as dogs. Easter dinner cancelled. MIL was adamant she “quickly stop by” and leave Easter baskets on the front porch. I reminded her, we are all sick and will not be greeting you at the door, so maybe save it for the next time you see them, but she insisted. She was still beside herself when I wouldn’t gather the children from bed and have them to open their Easter baskets in the front picture window for her. She just could not believe it! She was all like, “I drove all the way over here for this?”

Yes, you did.