Unhappy with family gift

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Isn’t Christmas Dinner a family experience? If I cook Christmas dinner for everyone, you all are calling me controlling bc I’m trying g to get everyone together at the same time?

If I offer to take my family on a horse drawn hay ride with hot chocolate for the kids I’m a controlling narcissist?

It’s ok not to come. Really.

I haven’t done this, but honestly, I’m sick of stuff, having to buy stuff, having an obligation to buy stuff, seeing people buy me stuff I don’t need bc they feel obligated.

I love giving gifts when I find just the right thing for someone.

Give OP a break, she seems perfectly flexible.

I'm not sure OP really feels, at her core, it's "OK not to come." The tone of the posts seems rather offended that this part of the family doesn't think attending an event with the entire family is as great as OP feels it is. Maybe OP genuinely is fine if they don't want to come, but we don't know if this part of the family feels they're just tired of having to do an outing every year, especially if they have kids in tow. Maybe just OP hosting people at home for hot chocolate would be more of a break for those parents than having to be up for an event.

[Anonymous]

You said they have little kids - do you have older kids/no kids? I can understand why they might not be thrilled with the family experience gift…I’ve had to do stuff like that with my small kids. Thinking of one year when it was the nutcracker…man, for my adhd kid (& me), that was a nightmare.
I love my family, but with small kids, holiday dinners at home are the best. Kids can play with cousins in a bedroom or basement, watch a Christmas movie, eat snacks, etc, & grownups can actually relax a little & socialize.

Just wanted to throw out there that maybe they would love to spend time with you, but a family experience may not be the best way for them- they will most likely be more focused on helping small kids participate in the experience, behave appropriately in the setting, etc.

This reminds me of going to family summer bbq/pool parties when we were the only ones with small kids - it is a much different experience vs when you have older/no kids.

[Anonymous]

Why are you inserting yourself? This is your husband’s lead, it’s his family.

You seem to be looking for a problem. DH handles it, there’s no problem. Are you bored? Lonely? Jealous? Unfulfilled in some way? Why are you poking your nose into this situation?

[Anonymous]

Yeah I’m not poking my nose, DH wants to do this for his family, it’s our choice as a family. Not mine. It’s also the most cost effective choice for us.

This is what we have chosen to do, my initial question was “it doesn’t seem like they are totally into it, so should I offer an out?”

I didn’t ask if you felt the gift was appropriate. We believe as a family experiences are more important than someone sending a list of gifts and we just buy stuff off that. We will have the memories, if they don’t want that, that’s ok. I’m okay. I’m not forcing anyone to come.

We can all be adults and decline or better yet, you have a real issue with me or DH, you reach out.

I really am amazing by DCUM and can’t even begin to imagine what kind of friendships/relationships you lunatics have. I’m sad for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah I’m not poking my nose, DH wants to do this for his family, it’s our choice as a family. Not mine. It’s also the most cost effective choice for us.

This is what we have chosen to do, my initial question was “it doesn’t seem like they are totally into it, so should I offer an out?”

I didn’t ask if you felt the gift was appropriate. We believe as a family experiences are more important than someone sending a list of gifts and we just buy stuff off that. We will have the memories, if they don’t want that, that’s ok. I’m okay. I’m not forcing anyone to come.

We can all be adults and decline or better yet, you have a real issue with me or DH, you reach out.

I really am amazing by DCUM and can’t even begin to imagine what kind of friendships/relationships you lunatics have. I’m sad for you.

Yet, your family doesn't appreciate your gift or seemingly want to spend time with you. Hmmmm, wonder why that would be? Any ideas?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah I’m not poking my nose, DH wants to do this for his family, it’s our choice as a family. Not mine. It’s also the most cost effective choice for us.

This is what we have chosen to do, my initial question was “it doesn’t seem like they are totally into it, so should I offer an out?”

I didn’t ask if you felt the gift was appropriate. We believe as a family experiences are more important than someone sending a list of gifts and we just buy stuff off that. We will have the memories, if they don’t want that, that’s ok. I’m okay. I’m not forcing anyone to come.

We can all be adults and decline or better yet, you have a real issue with me or DH, you reach out.

I really am amazing by DCUM and can’t even begin to imagine what kind of friendships/relationships you lunatics have. I’m sad for you.

So this is all about you you you. Why aren’t you considering the gift recipient?

[Anonymous]

The problem, OP, is that it comes across as: my gift to you this year is that you get to spend time with MEEEEEE!!!! It’s just over the top narcissistic.

If it’s family gathering time you care about, host the event. If it’s an activity that you think they really care about, give them a certificate to do it, no strings attached. Don’t make a gift to them revolve around you.

And FWIW, I am usually in the camp of adult family members don’t even need to give each other gifts. Kids only would be fine. I’d prefer that over the idea of gifting “time together”, which sets up all kinds of expectations on the receiver.

[Anonymous]

Yes, I think you should ask them what they prefer. That is the ultimate goal of a gift, to make the recipient happy.

So ask sibling if they would prefer to join you all for the experience, or would rather another gift (suggestions welcome). I know what you would prefer, but as this thread shows, there are many different opinions on the subject - so just ask sibling. They will probably be happy to be asked.

[Anonymous]

Team BIL and SIL. You sound very "our way or the highway" OP. I would be hoping for a different SIL as my Christmas gift if I were them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah I’m not poking my nose, DH wants to do this for his family, it’s our choice as a family. Not mine. It’s also the most cost effective choice for us.

This is what we have chosen to do, my initial question was “it doesn’t seem like they are totally into it, so should I offer an out?”

I didn’t ask if you felt the gift was appropriate. We believe as a family experiences are more important than someone sending a list of gifts and we just buy stuff off that. We will have the memories, if they don’t want that, that’s ok. I’m okay. I’m not forcing anyone to come.

We can all be adults and decline or better yet, you have a real issue with me or DH, you reach out.

I really am amazing by DCUM and can’t even begin to imagine what kind of friendships/relationships you lunatics have. I’m sad for you.

I think your tone is just coming off as a little intense. Holdays are stressful, everyone's tired - we get it.

Yes, offer an out. But don't put it that way. Just you text - or have your husband text - and be like: It's occurring to me that this experience might not be what everyone's excited about! I'd love to do it but we totally get it if this doesn't work for you. Let me know if not so I can pick up some extra gifts for the kids. Love you, can't wait to see you on Christmas.

I also wonder why, if they're only an hour away, it's such a big deal to all get together. That sounds like it's close enough for more regular stuff? Is there some tension between your fmaily and theirs that's stopping that from happening?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah I’m not poking my nose, DH wants to do this for his family, it’s our choice as a family. Not mine. It’s also the most cost effective choice for us.

This is what we have chosen to do, my initial question was “it doesn’t seem like they are totally into it, so should I offer an out?”

I didn’t ask if you felt the gift was appropriate. We believe as a family experiences are more important than someone sending a list of gifts and we just buy stuff off that. We will have the memories, if they don’t want that, that’s ok. I’m okay. I’m not forcing anyone to come.

We can all be adults and decline or better yet, you have a real issue with me or DH, you reach out.

I really am amazing by DCUM and can’t even begin to imagine what kind of friendships/relationships you lunatics have. I’m sad for you.

You still haven’t answered, do you have kids?

What’s the experience?

I think you should give them an out because those big events with little kids can be really stressful and not fun for the parents.

[Anonymous]

People are being over the top mean to OP, especially since there are so many posts here about how people with little kids would love experiences over more plastic toys (myself included). I also wouldn’t read too much into their lack of excitement, they may just have a lot going on and not be active on the family group text. If you said you’d get other presents and gave them an out, you’re fine, do that and they’ll come or not.

[Anonymous]

Get a clue, OP. Gifts are not about what you think people should want or should get, they are about what brings someone else joy.

Spending.
Time.
With.
You.
Does.
Not.
Bring.
Them.
Joy.

Got it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah I’m not poking my nose, DH wants to do this for his family, it’s our choice as a family. Not mine. It’s also the most cost effective choice for us.

This is what we have chosen to do, my initial question was “it doesn’t seem like they are totally into it, so should I offer an out?”

I didn’t ask if you felt the gift was appropriate. We believe as a family experiences are more important than someone sending a list of gifts [/quote

We have chosen to do family experiences for DH’s parents and siblings (and their families).

There's a lot of what you believe and what you have chosen, but your "we" doesn't seem to include the family you want to spend time with. You know, once a year.

You also seem to think that the only way to know what someone wants is to have a list. And sure, I ask for lists, but I can also think of things people would like because I talk to them.

I am sorry you feel piled on, but I think the one family is doing their best to let you know that they don't want to do this but they also don't want to hurt your feelings. Most of my siblings and I still go to my parents' for Christmas, and we spend time together because like you, that's how we make connections. But no one is paying for anyone else, and no one is scheduling team-building activities. There are some things we all like to do, but there's no enforced fun.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The problem, OP, is that it comes across as: my gift to you this year is that you get to spend time with MEEEEEE!!!! It’s just over the top narcissistic.

If it’s family gathering time you care about, host the event. If it’s an activity that you think they really care about, give them a certificate to do it, no strings attached. Don’t make a gift to them revolve around you.

And FWIW, I am usually in the camp of adult family members don’t even need to give each other gifts. Kids only would be fine. I’d prefer that over the idea of gifting “time together”, which sets up all kinds of expectations on the receiver.

Exactly. If you want to spend time together, host. I like visiting family in a low-stakes, casual, comfortable, relaxing way.

I do NOT want to spend time with them in ways that are stressful. I love my nieces and nephews, but to be honest, they squabble and I don't want them to ruin an outing to the zoo. If they squabble at home, well, they're a bit distracted by cousins, or they can go to their rooms or go play video games in the basement or whatever. Big activities that require travel, logistics, parking, etc., we want to do that with just-us to minimize stress and maximize enjoyment. A forced trip to the aquarium or a ballet performance with my sister/BIL/kids would NOT be the best way for us to enjoy time with them. A pizza night at their house would be great. The "gift" of a trip to the zoo with them would be a burden.

Your ILs clearly feel the same way; why are you trying to insert yourself and force this? Isn't this supposed to be a gift?