Unhappy with family gift

[Anonymous]

We have chosen to do family experiences for DH’s parents and siblings (and their families). We have done a lot of fun things over the years but I think DH’s one sibling and partner don’t seem really into it.

I feel like it’s the one time we can guarantee everyone can be together and it’s usually just for a few hours.

DH’s sibling and partner have two young kids, so we were planning to get the kids a few small kids since we are paying for a everyone’s family gift.

I let them know I would still have gifts for them but not as many since we will be having another family event. And I didn’t get a response.

Should I just offer an out and say, we are doing a family gift this year, would you prefer to receive other items? That feels so sterile to me but I also don’t want to force them into planned activities if they aren’t into group things. What to do?

[Anonymous]

Let your husband handle it.

[Anonymous]

They can come or not come to the family event. That doesn't obligate you to get them additional presents.

[Anonymous]

You did not ask a question, so you should not expect an answer. You could have received a "thank you for thinking of Larla and Larlo! Can't wait to get together!"... but as you say, either they're not into your gift practices, or they're just too busy in this holiday season, what with work, two kids and parties and events.

Either way, you don't have a choice but to do what you said: get the kids little gifts and a family experience, so I'm not sure why you're wondering what to do here.

Separately, considering that people's time is precious, maybe you should ask BEFORE "choosing to do family experiences" whether people would be OK with it, instead of agonizing after making that decision and announcing it.

[Anonymous]

Is it possible to get everyone together for a simple home gathering? What sort of family experience are you doing?

[Anonymous]

What experience gift are you gifting them?

[Anonymous]

I don't like people telling me how I ought to have fun

And then I have to be all appreciative, too.

[Anonymous]

Experiences aren't gifts. It is spending time together. If you are paying for it, you are treating them. I have those "gifts" as they are more for the giver than the receiver.

[Anonymous]

If it’s a gift, give them a certificate to do it on their own time. Otherwise it’s more of an obligation.

[Anonymous]

A gift should be a gift, ie, something that you think the receiver would like, not something you want.

And yes, if you're not sure this experience is something they want to do you should ask them. "We're planning on treating mom and dad to XYZ thing for Christmas. Would you be interested in that or would you prefer opening traditional gifts?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't like people telling me how I ought to have fun

And then I have to be all appreciative, too.

Yep. That's why I used to have to book a "drs appointment" during my office holiday party that was mandatory attendance. THEY thought it was great fun. I thought it was hell. Maybe that family hates bowling, or arcades or seeing a show or whatever the "family experience" is. Hell, maybe they hate spending time with you.

[Anonymous]

I kind of shake my head about people on here with all their IL drama. But I would not be happy if anyone in my family said they had gotten a Family Experience for us, which entails an expectation that we all attend. Yep, no.

If it is presented along the lines of: We are going to do X and we've gotten a package so that anyone who would like to join can--then fine. But OP sounds as if this is a great gift for everyone.

The point of gift giving is to give someone what they would like, not what the giver likes. If that doesn't work for giver, then don't give.

[Anonymous]

You should only be gifting “family experiences” if you’ve confirmed they are interested in the experience and that the date/timing/location work for them. (E.g., got my 3 nieces and their parents tickets to Disney on Ice this year AFTER asking if they’d enjoy that as a gift and what exact day and time we should purchase the tickets for).

[Anonymous]

If OP is conscientious enough to ask about this, I’m assuming she at least asked them if the event/date/time was good for them. At least I hope!

[Anonymous]

I’m OP. If someone isn’t willing to spend a few hours with family, why should I even get a regular gift? That seems crazy to me.

And yes, my point in family experiences is that it’s one time of the year we can all make time together. It’s something we can count on.

Time together feels like the basis of most relationships. They live within an hour of us. What should I do, not talk to them all year, ask for a list and ship them gifts to show I “care”. That’s silly.