Unhappy with family gift

[Anonymous]

I could go either way on this. My sister and I live a flight apart but make an effort to see each other often. If we lived closer and she gave us a family experience it could go either way

If it was an escape room which is in theory a great family activity and “everyone” likes, I’d give her major side eye. Her family loves it, my kids are technically in age minimum but too young for it and I find it miserable trying to keep them occupied and not destructive in a small room and don’t get a chance to enjoy it at all

If she was like “hey I know your family loves that xyz activity near you, I’d love to treat you guys to it and we can come join you!” Then great! I’d be thankful and happy for that

[Anonymous]

Our experiences HAVE included low key family movie/board game nights with activities for the littles (like new coloring books), it’s included snow tubing (BEFORE young kids), bowling, painting and lunch at OUR HOUSE. We’re not taking everyone to the ballet for godsakes.

I’ve extended the offer to them to share what they’d like to do. And everyone time we choose a family gift, we always message everyone before to see if they’d be up for it. But whatever, I’m just a controlling narcissist that wants everyone to spend time with me. Couldn’t be farther from the truth

[Anonymous]

You are putting a lot of thought into not receiving a text back from a text that really didn't need an answer other than "ok". Maybe they were busy. Maybe they didn't feel the need to say "ok". It is almost like you're offended that she didn't gush back about how nice and thoughtful it was to get them a physical gift, and have now worked yourself up into believing that they don't even want the experience gift. All because she didnt text back "ok, thanks".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our experiences HAVE included low key family movie/board game nights with activities for the littles (like new coloring books), it’s included snow tubing (BEFORE young kids), bowling, painting and lunch at OUR HOUSE. We’re not taking everyone to the ballet for godsakes.

I’ve extended the offer to them to share what they’d like to do. And everyone time we choose a family gift, we always message everyone before to see if they’d be up for it. But whatever, I’m just a controlling narcissist that wants everyone to spend time with me. Couldn’t be farther from the truth

I don't get where this reaction is coming from. How did you leap from not getting a response back from a text saying you'd still give the kids gifts just not as many, to them not wanting the experience gift either. It's such an overreaction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our experiences HAVE included low key family movie/board game nights with activities for the littles (like new coloring books), it’s included snow tubing (BEFORE young kids), bowling, painting and lunch at OUR HOUSE. We’re not taking everyone to the ballet for godsakes.

I’ve extended the offer to them to share what they’d like to do. And everyone time we choose a family gift, we always message everyone before to see if they’d be up for it. But whatever, I’m just a controlling narcissist that wants everyone to spend time with me. Couldn’t be farther from the truth

Is this OP? Are you saying their Christmas gift is to come to your house for activities?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our experiences HAVE included low key family movie/board game nights with activities for the littles (like new coloring books), it’s included snow tubing (BEFORE young kids), bowling, painting and lunch at OUR HOUSE. We’re not taking everyone to the ballet for godsakes.

I’ve extended the offer to them to share what they’d like to do. And everyone time we choose a family gift, we always message everyone before to see if they’d be up for it. But whatever, I’m just a controlling narcissist that wants everyone to spend time with me. Couldn’t be farther from the truth

Actually, what would be farthest from that truth is if you took a back seat and let your husband deal directly with his sister. You know, his sibling? The person he's known since infancy? That one. And then you just go with their flow. THAT would be "farthest from the truth" of you meddling and centering yourself.

Bet you won't, though. Bet you can't.

[Anonymous]

It is totally fine to give them a gift. It is totally fine to host them for something at their convenience. But honestly, you seem to want them to fawn over this or something.

I generally like my in laws a lot. But if my MIL was like “my gift to you is having you to the house for pizza,” I likely would not fawn over it. I would say “thank you.”

And it honestly frustrates me sometimes when my ILs get all hell bent on doing things with ALL OF US. It is hard to coordinate three families, and the best actual gift to me would be for my husband and kids to go and leave me in my house blissfully alone. Once my husband says “oh wife can’t make it, but the kids and I will be there,” it turns into trying to get new date after new date. And makes me insane. You cannot get everybody all the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I actually agree with this.

Anonymous wrote:I’m OP. If someone isn’t willing to spend a few hours with family, why should I even get a regular gift? That seems crazy to me.

And yes, my point in family experiences is that it’s one time of the year we can all make time together. It’s something we can count on.

Time together feels like the basis of most relationships. They live within an hour of us. What should I do, not talk to them all year, ask for a list and ship them gifts to show I “care”. That’s silly.

No, this is ridiculous. Spending time together as a family is not a gift. You invite them over for a dinner at your house and you spend time together. Spending the day at a spa with the entire family as a gifts is another story, maybe they don't like the spa or whatever experience you are gifting them. I have really litte vacation time and all family overseas so my time is really precious. For the 50th anniversary IL gave us as a gift staying at a resort in the middle of total nowhere rural wisconsin with a water park for a week. That year i had to give up going to see my family overseas because i did not have enough time, had to fly with a 6month old baby and spend time in a condo for a week in the middle or nowhere with w baby woule could not go to the water park. I went because i love my IL and wanted to celebrate their 50th but i did not see the staying as a gift to me, it was a nightmare i still remember and my kid is in HS. I love spending time with my IL but not doing activity they dictate as we have different habits

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let your husband handle it.

lol. That’s an idea that DCUM literally refuses to accept. How many of these stupid posts from women so confused about how to deal with her IL’s must we endure? Here’s a thought - let your freaking DH handle. But alas, just like all of the other stupid threads like this, people will respond for pages.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m OP. If someone isn’t willing to spend a few hours with family, why should I even get a regular gift? That seems crazy to me.

And yes, my point in family experiences is that it’s one time of the year we can all make time together. It’s something we can count on.

Time together feels like the basis of most relationships. They live within an hour of us. What should I do, not talk to them all year, ask for a list and ship them gifts to show I “care”. That’s silly.

OP, this response shows how much you want your family to play by your rules and what you want out of it. Not everyone wants the same thing. Not all family members want to be apart of a family experience. If that to you means then no gifts at all, you are the height of conceit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I could go either way on this. My sister and I live a flight apart but make an effort to see each other often. If we lived closer and she gave us a family experience it could go either way

If it was an escape room which is in theory a great family activity and “everyone” likes, I’d give her major side eye. Her family loves it, my kids are technically in age minimum but too young for it and I find it miserable trying to keep them occupied and not destructive in a small room and don’t get a chance to enjoy it at all

If she was like “hey I know your family loves that xyz activity near you, I’d love to treat you guys to it and we can come join you!” Then great! I’d be thankful and happy for that

I feel this way, as well, but I'm really close to my sister. I know that either of us would accommodate the other.

It doesn't sound like OP has this relationship with the ILs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have chosen to do family experiences for DH’s parents and siblings (and their families). We have done a lot of fun things over the years but I think DH’s one sibling and partner don’t seem really into it.

I feel like it’s the one time we can guarantee everyone can be together and it’s usually just for a few hours.

DH’s sibling and partner have two young kids, so we were planning to get the kids a few small kids since we are paying for a everyone’s family gift.

I let them know I would still have gifts for them but not as many since we will be having another family event. And I didn’t get a response.

Should I just offer an out and say, we are doing a family gift this year, would you prefer to receive other items? That feels so sterile to me but I also don’t want to force them into planned activities if they aren’t into group things. What to do?

A family experience is not a gift but something cheap people go!

[Anonymous]

OP, do you not see how a required family event an hour away may not feel like a gift to a family with young children?

This falls under the mandatory fun category, which, even if you have a good time, the mandatory part rips a lot of joy out of it.

Family gatherings should be tied to the idea that it is a gift to be grateful for to one person just because they arranged it. That’s the weird part of your thought process.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m OP. If someone isn’t willing to spend a few hours with family, why should I even get a regular gift? That seems crazy to me.

And yes, my point in family experiences is that it’s one time of the year we can all make time together. It’s something we can count on.

Time together feels like the basis of most relationships. They live within an hour of us. What should I do, not talk to them all year, ask for a list and ship them gifts to show I “care”. That’s silly.

How is it something you can count on, if you're giving them an "out" and you're totally fine with them not participating?

Your rationale does not make sense. It feels like you are trying to hold physical gifts hostage to coerce their attendance at your "experience". But it won't work, because they don't seem to want your "experience" or more toys either.

Here's a crazy idea-- why not try to involve them in planning something that actually works well for small children and isn't more pressure and stress at an already-difficult time of year?

[Anonymous]

Why don't you just host a family gathering at your house? It's not a gift to them, but it's an opportunity to spend time together. I don't understand how it has to be this separate experience that you pay for.